Look at it this way, with her wishy washy attitude she deserved your aloofness. She is lucky you gave her a commitment at all. She does not deserve a relationship. With her behaviour wanting you monday not sure tuesday breaking up wednesday to regretting it friday to we never gave it a chance, BS she deserved aloofness. What she actually deserved is for you to view her as a FB. not a girlfriend.I've already snapped out of it. Thanks @dude99 and @EyeOnThePrize for the mature sensible talk. Truly appreciate to get back on the ground again.
What is messing with my mind so much is that i didn't do the usual needy things that suffocated the relationship, i was rather too aloof and uncaring and with this NC it feels i'm just reinforcing this view of me. However i clearly stated to her i didn't want the relationship to end so the ball was in her court and you are right, she still occupies way to many thoughts in my mind. This "fading effect bias" is killing me, it's like i ignore the bad stuff with her alltogether and only remember the good things so i have to keep reminding myself all the time.
She was half russian, so their view of men are kinda like that. The man is supposed to be the strong alpha who never shows any weakness in any form and wrestles with bears on his free time lol. Kinda hilarious incident happened on our annivarsary where we went out with a bottle of wine to the pier having fun and i was having trouble with a lens in my eye that totally fcked up my eye to the point where i couldn't open it anymore (never happened before) while there was this tiny boat in the harbour coming towards the pier where we were sitting and she jokingly said "what if this boat is coming for us, can you protect me?" I was my usual teasing self and said "of course not". Anyway i heard about that incident way later that she didn't feel safe and protected over sh1tty things like that. I understand that was coming from a deeper problem or feeling she had, but come on.
I've to clearify this "we never gave the relationship a real chance".
After huge disagreements that lasted for a good while she started to withdraw and check out, to her saying let's reset and "see where we stand" by enjoying a weekend together abroad which according to her went much better than expected expressing her love for me, seemingly very into me, to her breaking up 2 weeks later, NC, to her crawling back 1 week later wanting "to talk". She said she remembered all our good times and said the ONLY thing she was sure about was that we hadn't given the relationship a real chance in her eyes and she wanted us to try again but before that she went on a long pre-planned vacation 1 month to reflect on her future (with no communication between us) and that's where she then told me it's over for real. With the help of validation and sex from another man i'm sure.
With that lingering thought in the back of her mind, i have a hard time believing i'm totally just out of the picture with no potential whatsoever, that kind of thought would kill me myself looking back on an ex-partner down the line, but you can't look into another human being and make sense out of women's feelings.
Oh, and she was post-wall freaking about time running out.
Time to continue to lead my life the best i can.
Reading this from the outside she blew it. Not you. She deserves NC. She deserves to see you living your life well. When she reaches out in 3 or 4 months with another "im confused so you think there is a chance for us?"do not bite. do not engage. Just say "nope. I gotta go." Then resume Nc
She gets one chance. She already blew hers