The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

Mike41090

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Day 11, it is slowly gettin better. I have no urge to contact her whatsoever but I’m just preparing myself hearing through mutual friends that she’s either already dating or hooking up with someone. But I think I’ll be ok. At a stage where it’s really easy to remember the good times even though from an objective point of view, she didn’t treat me like anything special.
 
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dude99

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Day 1

this is my first day of the challenge, although i have been in NC since November 7th.

I was dumped by my ex-fiance in August. I got the usual "let's be friends. I don't see us having a future" etc. spill. Of course the real reasons were she no respected me as a man and was ****ing her co-worker but i digress. The utility of our relationship had ran its course. So her love did too.

I realize now how beta I allowed my feelings for her to make me. I completely shattered my frame to fit into her's. I see now how that led to our destruction. I spent so much time trying to make her happy instead of doing what I needed for myself. Never again. My sense of validation was completely based on how we were. Everything else became trivial at best and irrelevant at worse.

I did the typical begging and pleading and bargaining. However i am proud of the changes i have made. I'm working on my appearance... I've never been bad looking but we all could do better am i right? I've changed jobs, gotten back into writing, and moved. Funny... The laundry list of things she said were her reasons have all been checked off... Yet broke up we remain.

I honestly don't want her back at this point. I realize i don't want anything serious. Do i miss her? Of course. I just want to get back over this lingering feeling i have in the back of my mind. This place she still has in my heart. I had an sexy plate in my bed last night. She was with whatever. I sealed the deal; you don't pass up opportunities like that. But I still caught myself wishing it was her.
If she was cheating on you with a coworker, you dodged a bullet. Better it happened now before the marriage than after and her not only cheat but take half your assets too
 

Mike41090

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DAY 15. It’s starting to hit a little harder now that I’m past two weeks. Still have zero urge to contact her. I’m absolutely desperate to get over her. It just comes in waves where at one point I’m happy and content and feel fine that it’s over but the next second I’m missing her. Thinking about taking a break from even looking at social media in general. It just sucks that she’s legit constantly in my head. I feel like an addict lmao. Just want it to pass
 

bcude

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DAY 15. It’s starting to hit a little harder now that I’m past two weeks. Still have zero urge to contact her. I’m absolutely desperate to get over her. It just comes in waves where at one point I’m happy and content and feel fine that it’s over but the next second I’m missing her. Thinking about taking a break from even looking at social media in general. It just sucks that she’s legit constantly in my head. I feel like an addict lmao. Just want it to pass
Time, space and other women (when you feel like it) will get her out of your head.
It also helps to write down things that annoyed you about her, reasons that led to the breakup, all the negative stuff. Write it down and look at it whenever you become "soft" and romanticize her in your head, it will keep you straight. Nothing good comes out of social media unfortunately, but i understand the curiousity. Addiction, that's exactly what it is. That's why we advise you have to treat it as such and stay off the drug in any way or form.

Don't miss the opportunitity to learn something from the breakup though, learn but don't wallow in micro analysing everything. You have a golden opportunity here to use the motivation of pain to become better, it's a blessing in disguise.
 

gettinit

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@Mike41090. Having been here about 2.5 years ago, at the time, I was a mess. Completely distracted, losing weight, drinking more that I should have and thoughts popping into my head out of nowhere. Thankfully, I'm not a drug user except for occasional weed.

Chances are better than not that a strong urge to contact her WILL hit you. It didn't really hit me hard until about about 5 weeks in and I didn't feel fully myself for a few months. Up until 2-3 weeks, it was more: oh well. I actually installed a text ap that allowed you to set a delay time after the send button was pressed. I set it at 30 seconds and I can't tell you how many times that saved me from making a huge mistake. It was amazing to me how my head magically cleared after pressing that send button and having the 30 seconds to press the "X" ....
Priceless!

I can't stress the solid advice on here to not torture/tempt yourself by browsing social media. For me, doing so seemed to keep things alive instead of letting them slowly wither away as they should. She will be with another guy, just like you will eventually be with another girl. You knowing it will not change it, it will just slow the process. Don't be ashamed of taking time to mourn and strive to redirect the pain towards making yourself so awesome that she will be the one eventually regretting/living the past.

Something else that works for me:
I pick music in a new Genre and force myself to listen for a week, even if I hate it the whole time (I use Pandora). It not only prevents a memory inducing tune from entering your ears, but also opens your mind to new things. Being a lover of classic/modern rock and some post punk, I would never have thought that Roots Reggae and Country would ever appeal to me. On the other hand, if I never hear another Black Metal song, that is more than fine with me. An unexpected bonus to this was that I also found that an eclectic taste in music also helps to open up doors with more women since it not only helps me stand out, but offers more opportunity in conversation.

In the not too distant future, when this has passed, you will probably come back to this thread and see others with a current similar situation. The thought in your head will probably be similar to mine: "I can't believe that this was me on here" and then thank my lucky stars that this place exists. There is a treasure trove of solid info on here. Listen and stay the course.
 
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Mike41090

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I hear ya that’s some really good advice that I will defintely give a shot. I’m also having a hard time eating as much as I used to, lost a little bit of weight but getting back into the gym next week because I’m also keeping myself completely busy on my days off (ski trip this weekend). I feel like I’m on the cusp of not taking her back which is good. Kinda feels like a dreadful challenge in a way lol
 

gettinit

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Yes, it is a dreadful challenge, but the alternative could be a more painful one.

"I feel like I’m on the cusp of not taking her back which is good."

It is extremely rare that things go better the second time around as much as your mind tricks you into thinking that it will.
I have seen many on/off relationships, but only know of one that lasted and there was a four year gap between them being together.
"If" you are even slightly considering this if the opportunity arises, think long and hard about you repeating what you are going through now, again with the same person. I have been there and being an optimist and the type of person that hates to give up on any challenging thing, it was one of the hardest things to come to grips with.

Ski trip = Snow Bunnies
 

Mike41090

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Haha it’s funny you say that. This is actually the second time I dated her (approx 1 year break in between). We lasted longer the second time around and honestly I had some really good times with her and went to some really cool places. But I believe it was becoming too routine and the spark was fading. After the first go around, the breakup was very tough on me but I still managed to see other women and date around (she did the same). I also felt like pulling the chord a little bit this time around but I did not have the balls. Kinda like you said as well, when we broke up I stated that I don’t give up on things and it’s natural for me to keep trying (as it is for majority of men in my opinion) but it is what it is. But I’m trying to move towards being happy for her and kinda look on the whole relationship as a positive (which it was in regards to idea of silver linings lol). Once I reach that point, I feel like I’ll be set.
 

Mike41090

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I took her on some phenomenal dates that I can use in the future as well. Definitely outside the box and original.
 

bcude

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You know i hear you very well and i'm the biggest optimist myself. I never give up on investments i see potential in, that also means relationships that came to an end, but here is the problem. Once a woman decides to leave you, the respect/attraction/admiration is gone and she no longer sees you as the best she can get. She believes there is something better out there for her (if she hasn't already found him), that usually coincides with you behaving in a weakminded way. Is this fixable? In theory yes but the effort it takes is bad return on investment.
We all know that the only way a LTR can be sustainable and healthy is when she desires you, sees you as her king and she enters your world.

Now here comes the big problem with our positive thinking:

You cannot negotiate genuine desire

Which means whatever attempt we try once we have been dumped, means compromises and negotiated and is doomed to fail again.
It might only have any kind of chance in the future is if she comes back and puts in a real continuous effort to win you back and we choose to take her back.
But this isn't something endorsed by this forum since it's the opposite of the mindset of a high value man with an abundance mindset, which is mighty attractive to all women out there and will give you many many options, like her, and better. That's a good return on investment right there.
 
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Mike41090

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I’m basically at the point we’re im trying to get rid of the idea of hope. I feel like once I get rid of that, I will be free again so to speak lol
 

Mike41090

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Very true, I feel like my hope is slowlyyy shifting to enjoying single life and just not being bothered by anyone. I can feel the stress of the breakup slowly subsidize day by day too
 

Firestar786

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So it’s been 6 months and ten days
Oddly she has called several times
I haven’t answered
Coming into 2020 soon with things looking very bright hopefully...
there is no room or Time to make amends with an idiot who destroyed something not worth destroying

The long and short is that we often pair ourselves up with these idiotic women who ruin our lives for no apparent reason.

**** them and work on yourself.
 

rezarect

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It's Day 6. Haven't heard from my ex and I'm happy about it. The peace has been refreshing. I'm looking forward to seeing what's on the horizon. **** what I lost. I'll check back next week.
 
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Mike41090

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DAY 21 (3 week mark)- kinda in the acceptance phase right now and when she comes to
Mind I just consistently think of the negatives she brought to the relationship which is very helpful to
Me. I’ve begun to realize that she was a passive aggressive female. I had to initiate every hang out and date and something like that can really take a toll on someone/me. I’m already hearing of a girl that’s interested in me that I plan on checking out when I run into her which is nice. Other than that, everything is slowly getting better.
 

bcude

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Hey guys, i need some feedback to think straight. It's christmas time and i sense myself getting all introspective and soft, filled with much more empathy around this time of year.

Long story short, basically i was the opposite of needy and didn't make my ex feel valued in the relationship shown through my actions while she kept pushing for me, she kept going, even visiting therapy to talk about me until her feelings disappeared when i started to fail test after test and then it was too late for me to do anything anymore despite i told her i see a future with her and didn't want the breakup. Just before she broke up she admitted that we "never gave the relationship a real chance" and implied she wanted to, which made me think it's on but i guess it had gone too far already and she changed her mind again and broke up. It was a struggle for her for sure. We know how women don't want to hurt our feelings so officially she said that no one is to blame, we both did our best implying we were just in different stages of our lives and "timing" was the official breakup reason. I know it means i wasn't interesting and valuable enough for her to keep trying anymore, and i agree with her on that. It was the usual, communication ceased more and more. At the day of the breakup I made her answer if she saw any potential in us and she said no. I don't expect her to say anything else at that point though.
I know, i was living in her frame 100% and it felt like a soft version of NC before the real NC lol.

Since that day we parted on friendly terms and i went immediately into NC that i've kept for 8 months now, she reached out (indirectly) to me once after 4 months, full with questions about me and my life which made me think she cares a little bit too much to how i'm doing to want to cut the cord completely (still has my phone number, still friends on fb).

It takes a man to realise his mistakes and I'm just full of guilt how i handled the relationship right now and have the urge to write her a mature reflection on what i've realised about myself, that i agree the breakup was needed for growth and wish her well in life. No getting back or anything, just letting her know how i see things. To be honest i handled her very immaturely which is weighing me down.

But i don't know if that's better than to stay a mystery in NC. I somehow feel that all explaining or letters after the fact make you look pathetic but i'm not sure. She's also very traditional and hate it when men show weakness of any sort which makes me think i should skip it. My strong feeling is that she will reach out again sometime to check up on me out of curiosity and ego satisfaction. As far as i know she hasn't had anything serious after me and is still single.

Thoughts appreciated.
 

dude99

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Hey guys, i need some feedback to think straight. It's christmas time and i sense myself getting all introspective and soft, filled with much more empathy around this time of year.

Long story short, basically i was the opposite of needy and didn't make my ex feel valued in the relationship shown through my actions while she kept pushing for me, she kept going, even visiting therapy to talk about me until her feelings disappeared when i started to fail test after test and then it was too late for me to do anything anymore despite i told her i see a future with her and didn't want the breakup. Just before she broke up she admitted that we "never gave the relationship a real chance" and implied she wanted to, which made me think it's on but i guess it had gone too far already and she changed her mind again and broke up. It was a struggle for her for sure. We know how women don't want to hurt our feelings so officially she said that no one is to blame, we both did our best implying we were just in different stages of our lives and "timing" was the official breakup reason. I know it means i wasn't interesting and valuable enough for her to keep trying anymore, and i agree with her on that. It was the usual, communication ceased more and more. At the day of the breakup I made her answer if she saw any potential in us and she said no. I don't expect her to say anything else at that point though.
I know, i was living in her frame 100% and it felt like a soft version of NC before the real NC lol.

Since that day we parted on friendly terms and i went immediately into NC that i've kept for 8 months now, she reached out (indirectly) to me once after 4 months, full with questions about me and my life which made me think she cares a little bit too much to how i'm doing to want to cut the cord completely (still has my phone number, still friends on fb).

It takes a man to realise his mistakes and I'm just full of guilt how i handled the relationship right now and have the urge to write her a mature reflection on what i've realised about myself, that i agree the breakup was needed for growth and wish her well in life. No getting back or anything, just letting her know how i see things. To be honest i handled her very immaturely which is weighing me down.

But i don't know if that's better than to stay a mystery in NC. I somehow feel that all explaining or letters after the fact make you look pathetic but i'm not sure. She's also very traditional and hate it when men show weakness of any sort which makes me think i should skip it. My strong feeling is that she will reach out again sometime to check up on me out of curiosity and ego satisfaction. As far as i know she hasn't had anything serious after me and is still single.

Thoughts appreciated.
Hey guys, i need some feedback to think straight. It's christmas time and i sense myself getting all introspective and soft, filled with much more empathy around this time of year. make your decisions with rational thought. Not with emotions. You will regret it if you do this.

Long story short, basically i was the opposite of needy and didn't make my ex feel valued in the relationship shown through my actions while she kept pushing for me, she kept going, even visiting therapy to talk about me until her feelings it is what is is you learned from this disappeared when i started to fail test after test i am sorry but as soon as test begin you dump the woman. No excuses for tests and then it was too late for me to do anything anymore despite i told her i see a future with her and didn't want the breakup. Just before she broke up she admitted that we "never gave the relationship a real chance" and implied she wanted to, this was sprinkling sugar on the sheit sandwich. Aka blah blah blah to get her off the hook. it worked which made me think it's on but i guess it had gone too far already and she changed her mind again and broke up. It was a struggle for her for sure. We know how women don't want to hurt our feelingswhat they dont actually want to do is have a confrontation so officially she said that no one is to blame, we both did our best implying we were just in different stages of our lives and "timing" was the official breakup reason blah blah blah BS. I know it means i wasn't interesting and valuable enough for her to keep trying anymore,this. You seen through her blah blah and i agree with her on that. It was the usual, communication ceased more and more. At the day of the breakup I made her answer if she saw any potential in us and she said no. this was how she felt all along. she was finally honest I don't expect her to say anything else at that point though.
I know, i was living in her frame 100% and it felt like a soft version of NC before the real NC lol.

Since that day we parted on friendly terms and i went immediately into NC that i've kept for 8 months now, she reached out (indirectly) to me once after 4 months,this 3 to 4 month reach out id normal. After the break up women begin to wonder if they made the right decision or if they made the biggest mistake of their lives. Your no contact had her hamster wheel spinning. full with questions about me and my life which made me think she cares a little bit too much to how i'm doing to want to cut the cord completely (still has my phone number, still friends on fb). noseyness. she just wants to know if she won the break up. All she needs to know is you are doing great extremely busy and happy.

It takes a man to realise his mistakes and I'm just full of guiltyou learned from this. how i handled the relationship right now and have the urge to write her a mature reflection on what i've realised about myself, all she will see is you saying you have fallen to pieces and your life is a mess since she left. this will only validate her. dont bother you will regret it. it will feed her ego. that i agree the breakup was needed for growth and wish her well in life. No getting back or anything, just letting her know how i see things. To be honest i handled her very immaturely which is weighing me down.

But i don't know if that's better than to stay a mystery in NC.always. I somehow feel that all explaining or letters after the fact make you look patheticit will. but i'm not sure. She's also very traditional and hate it when men show weakness of any sort which makes me think i should skip it. My strong feeling is that she will reach out again sometime to check up on me out of curiosity and ego satisfactionand when she does give her 3 minutes and tell her you have to go you are busy getting ready for a date As far as i know she hasn't had anything serious after me and is still single. as far as you know she branch swung to the next guy after you. Branch broke that is why she reached out after the 4 month mark

Thoughts appreciated.
See comments in bold.
 

EyeOnThePrize

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Hey guys, i need some feedback to think straight. It's christmas time and i sense myself getting all introspective and soft, filled with much more empathy around this time of year.

Long story short, basically i was the opposite of needy and didn't make my ex feel valued in the relationship shown through my actions while she kept pushing for me, she kept going, even visiting therapy to talk about me until her feelings disappeared when i started to fail test after test and then it was too late for me to do anything anymore despite i told her i see a future with her and didn't want the breakup. Just before she broke up she admitted that we "never gave the relationship a real chance" and implied she wanted to, which made me think it's on but i guess it had gone too far already and she changed her mind again and broke up. It was a struggle for her for sure. We know how women don't want to hurt our feelings so officially she said that no one is to blame, we both did our best implying we were just in different stages of our lives and "timing" was the official breakup reason. I know it means i wasn't interesting and valuable enough for her to keep trying anymore, and i agree with her on that. It was the usual, communication ceased more and more. At the day of the breakup I made her answer if she saw any potential in us and she said no. I don't expect her to say anything else at that point though.
I know, i was living in her frame 100% and it felt like a soft version of NC before the real NC lol.

Since that day we parted on friendly terms and i went immediately into NC that i've kept for 8 months now, she reached out (indirectly) to me once after 4 months, full with questions about me and my life which made me think she cares a little bit too much to how i'm doing to want to cut the cord completely (still has my phone number, still friends on fb).

It takes a man to realise his mistakes and I'm just full of guilt how i handled the relationship right now and have the urge to write her a mature reflection on what i've realised about myself, that i agree the breakup was needed for growth and wish her well in life. No getting back or anything, just letting her know how i see things. To be honest i handled her very immaturely which is weighing me down.

But i don't know if that's better than to stay a mystery in NC. I somehow feel that all explaining or letters after the fact make you look pathetic but i'm not sure. She's also very traditional and hate it when men show weakness of any sort which makes me think i should skip it. My strong feeling is that she will reach out again sometime to check up on me out of curiosity and ego satisfaction. As far as i know she hasn't had anything serious after me and is still single.

Thoughts appreciated.
@dude99 did a good job. She may have been playing games by implying you never gave the relationship a real chance. She knows you're into it, she's the one that pushed you away, so she needs to be the one to come back, despite your mistakes. You can't force her back and deep down you're hoping your reflection letter to her will rekindle something, otherwise you would have done it already and not thought twice about it. The fact that she's always on your mind should be a huge flag to not do it. Do you know how good she'll feel to shoot you down after you spill your guts out for her or shower her with tons of attention? She may even come see you but push for just friends, and it sounds like you're too attached for that. You think you'll change her mind or make her feel better but you'll just push her away and prolong your suffering.

I've gone through similar cuckery and there's a simple mechanism you can use to gauge how ready you are to comfortably communicate with her. How often do you think about her? If the answer is almost all the time then you need to steer clear of communication. You'll end up overthinking every communication and feeling worse off long term.

The longer you hold your silence, the more distance you create, the more time you have to truly internalize what happened, and thus the more value you give yourself. Demonstrate don't explicate. Make peace with your past and remember that you learn best in a positive accepting state of mind. Guilt or fear won't help you learn. If she does come back remember that the same problems will resurface and you'll have to tackle them together just like before. If she dipped during that stage then she'll probably dip in that stage again. Be logical, be pragmatic, people rarely change. Over time you'll remember the things she didn't bring to the table and start seeing through her veil. This will again cause emotional reactions from you. Then you'll push on with your life and these things will begin to matter less and less until you can't remember your last communication. You will have finally taken her off the pedestal and hopefully regained a higher purpose in your life.

She's being unrealistic to think men shouldn't show weakness. We all have flaws and limitations. Sometimes something might break you. That doesn't mean you should make her your therapist but your behavior and mood is bound to have some flux. The more shapeless and adaptive we are, the easier time we have going through life. You can't take any of it with you, things will always change, that's the one constant of the universe. It's our relationship to change that defines us.

Date other women. You probably won't like most of them because you'll be making comparisons to your ex but keep going on dates. It's a simple exercise that will help instill an abundant mindset. Don't worry about having sex, just go enjoy yourself. Practice experiencing change as these women come into and out of your life, it'll force you to develop emotional independence and confidence.

Your duty is to lead yourself the best way you can. Never stop perfecting that.
 

bcude

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@dude99 did a good job. She may have been playing games by implying you never gave the relationship a real chance. She knows you're into it, she's the one that pushed you away, so she needs to be the one to come back, despite your mistakes. You can't force her back and deep down you're hoping your reflection letter to her will rekindle something, otherwise you would have done it already and not thought twice about it. The fact that she's always on your mind should be a huge flag to not do it. Do you know how good she'll feel to shoot you down after you spill your guts out for her or shower her with tons of attention? She may even come see you but push for just friends, and it sounds like you're too attached for that. You think you'll change her mind or make her feel better but you'll just push her away and prolong your suffering.

I've gone through similar cuckery and there's a simple mechanism you can use to gauge how ready you are to comfortably communicate with her. How often do you think about her? If the answer is almost all the time then you need to steer clear of communication. You'll end up overthinking every communication and feeling worse off long term.

The longer you hold your silence, the more distance you create, the more time you have to truly internalize what happened, and thus the more value you give yourself. Demonstrate don't explicate. Make peace with your past and remember that you learn best in a positive accepting state of mind. Guilt or fear won't help you learn. If she does come back remember that the same problems will resurface and you'll have to tackle them together just like before. If she dipped during that stage then she'll probably dip in that stage again. Be logical, be pragmatic, people rarely change. Over time you'll remember the things she didn't bring to the table and start seeing through her veil. This will again cause emotional reactions from you. Then you'll push on with your life and these things will begin to matter less and less until you can't remember your last communication. You will have finally taken her off the pedestal and hopefully regained a higher purpose in your life.

She's being unrealistic to think men shouldn't show weakness. We all have flaws and limitations. Sometimes something might break you. That doesn't mean you should make her your therapist but your behavior and mood is bound to have some flux. The more shapeless and adaptive we are, the easier time we have going through life. You can't take any of it with you, things will always change, that's the one constant of the universe. It's our relationship to change that defines us.

Date other women. You probably won't like most of them because you'll be making comparisons to your ex but keep going on dates. It's a simple exercise that will help instill an abundant mindset. Don't worry about having sex, just go enjoy yourself. Practice experiencing change as these women come into and out of your life, it'll force you to develop emotional independence and confidence.

Your duty is to lead yourself the best way you can. Never stop perfecting that.
I've already snapped out of it. Thanks @dude99 and @EyeOnThePrize for the mature sensible talk. Truly appreciate to get back on the ground again.
What is messing with my mind so much is that i didn't do the usual needy things that suffocated the relationship, i was rather too aloof and uncaring and with this NC it feels i'm just reinforcing this view of me. However i clearly stated to her i didn't want the relationship to end so the ball was in her court and you are right, she still occupies way to many thoughts in my mind. This "fading effect bias" is killing me, it's like i ignore the bad stuff with her alltogether and only remember the good things so i have to keep reminding myself all the time.

She was half russian, so their view of men are kinda like that. The man is supposed to be the strong alpha who never shows any weakness in any form and wrestles with bears on his free time lol. Kinda hilarious incident happened on our annivarsary where we went out with a bottle of wine to the pier having fun and i was having trouble with a lens in my eye that totally fcked up my eye to the point where i couldn't open it anymore (never happened before) while there was this tiny boat in the harbour coming towards the pier where we were sitting and she jokingly said "what if this boat is coming for us, can you protect me?" I was my usual teasing self and said "of course not". Anyway i heard about that incident way later that she didn't feel safe and protected over sh1tty things like that. I understand that was coming from a deeper problem or feeling she had, but come on.

I've to clearify this "we never gave the relationship a real chance".
After huge disagreements that lasted for a good while she started to withdraw and check out, to her saying let's reset and "see where we stand" by enjoying a weekend together abroad which according to her went much better than expected expressing her love for me, seemingly very into me, to her breaking up 2 weeks later, NC, to her crawling back 1 week later wanting "to talk". She said she remembered all our good times and said the ONLY thing she was sure about was that we hadn't given the relationship a real chance in her eyes and she wanted us to try again but before that she went on a long pre-planned vacation 1 month to reflect on her future (with no communication between us) and that's where she then told me it's over for real. With the help of validation and sex from another man i'm sure.
With that lingering thought in the back of her mind, i have a hard time believing i'm totally just out of the picture with no potential whatsoever, that kind of thought would kill me myself looking back on an ex-partner down the line, but you can't look into another human being and make sense out of women's feelings.
Oh, and she was post-wall freaking about time running out.

Time to continue to lead my life the best i can.
 
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