The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[insertusernamehere]

Any books you guys could recommend to get through the pain?

 

[powersize]

Any books you guys could recommend to get through the pain?

1 - The Rational Male
2 - Book of Pook

Hit the gym in between of reading this books

 

[Raasay]

I plan to do the challenge asap but how do manage aspects like
1. we lived together for 4 years and splitting contracts, the things we own, financial things takes forever, i dont want to wait until this is done and its also tearing me apart to do this now.
2. we have 2 cats i love that stay with her and i dont want to lose them as well. maybe i should just not see them for 60 days...
3. in case we have to be in contact, how should i behave? if im very cold, distanced, serious she will see how much im hurt and i dont want that. I would rather like to be funny, relaxed, happy, maybe a bit flirty... or what do you think?
4. her birthday, if i dont wish her happy birthday same as above probably or she will simply think im an *******.

besides that, like everyone in my phase, i hope to get her back (lol) but i have to move on and get over it. at the same time i dont want to show myself in a way to de-value (sad, crying, desparate etc.) myself in her eyes, i know she is still somehow interested, but too much hurt and too little convinced that we can get better. i want to demonstrate that it was a mistake to let me go because i believe this will also help me to process it.

 

[Romanemp22]

I plan to do the challenge asap but how do manage aspects like
1. we lived together for 4 years and splitting contracts, the things we own, financial things takes forever, i dont want to wait until this is done and its also tearing me apart to do this now.
2. we have 2 cats i love that stay with her and i dont want to lose them as well. maybe i should just not see them for 60 days...
3. in case we have to be in contact, how should i behave? if im very cold, distanced, serious she will see how much im hurt and i dont want that. I would rather like to be funny, relaxed, happy, maybe a bit flirty... or what do you think?
4. her birthday, if i dont wish her happy birthday same as above probably or she will simply think im an *******.

besides that, like everyone in my phase, i hope to get her back (lol) but i have to move on and get over it. at the same time i dont want to show myself in a way to de-value (sad, crying, desparate etc.) myself in her eyes, i know she is still somehow interested, but too much hurt and too little convinced that we can get better. i want to demonstrate that it was a mistake to let me go because i believe this will also help me to process it.

Your biggest mistake here is that you are focusing only on her and what she want and not you. That is lack of confidence. Your move now is to not want her back rather you need to start speaking with new girls asap.

Put it this way, you drove a car which is old and it finally it broke down so ofcourse you sell it so you can buy new one which is cool, fresh and sexy.

Whatever you do just don't try to get her back because as she have mind on other d1cks, you should also think about new puzzys.

 

[dude99]

I plan to do the challenge asap but how do manage aspects like
1. we lived together for 4 years and splitting contracts, the things we own, financial things takes forever, i dont want to wait until this is done and its also tearing me apart to do this now.
2. we have 2 cats i love that stay with her and i dont want to lose them as well. maybe i should just not see them for 60 days...
3. in case we have to be in contact, how should i behave? if im very cold, distanced, serious she will see how much im hurt and i dont want that. I would rather like to be funny, relaxed, happy, maybe a bit flirty... or what do you think?
4. her birthday, if i dont wish her happy birthday same as above probably or she will simply think im an *******.

besides that, like everyone in my phase, i hope to get her back (lol) but i have to move on and get over it. at the same time i dont want to show myself in a way to de-value (sad, crying, desparate etc.) myself in her eyes, i know she is still somehow interested, but too much hurt and too little convinced that we can get better. i want to demonstrate that it was a mistake to let me go because i believe this will also help me to process it.

You be yourself and do your thing. You do not go out of your way for her at all. What she thinks doesn't matter because she isn't a priority to you any more.

1. Just cancel all things and then get your own accounts and she can do the same. No need to even deal with her. Just do your own thing.

2. How about you take one she takes the other. She has a problem with that then leave the cats and get your own. Oh but she will have a problem with that. She will see it as me moving on and not be able to manipulate my feelings for her by staying in my orbit using the cats. That's the point.

3. If you have contact, you be yourself. You give her 3 minutes you tell her nothing about yourself except that you are crazy busy and you don't have time, tell her we will catch up soon, (but continue no contact after) but take care.

4 her birthday is no longer a concern for you. It is just another day of the week..she is no longer a priority so wishing her a happy birthday is useless.

Stop over thinking things. Get busy with yourself. Trust me she not thinking about how she blew her chances with you and how to fix things, she is focusing all her energy on the next guy.

 

[andreihaha]

I plan to do the challenge asap but how do manage aspects like
1. we lived together for 4 years and splitting contracts, the things we own, financial things takes forever, i dont want to wait until this is done and its also tearing me apart to do this now.
2. we have 2 cats i love that stay with her and i dont want to lose them as well. maybe i should just not see them for 60 days...
3. in case we have to be in contact, how should i behave? if im very cold, distanced, serious she will see how much im hurt and i dont want that. I would rather like to be funny, relaxed, happy, maybe a bit flirty... or what do you think?
4. her birthday, if i dont wish her happy birthday same as above probably or she will simply think im an *******.

besides that, like everyone in my phase, i hope to get her back (lol) but i have to move on and get over it. at the same time i dont want to show myself in a way to de-value (sad, crying, desparate etc.) myself in her eyes, i know she is still somehow interested, but too much hurt and too little convinced that we can get better. i want to demonstrate that it was a mistake to let me go because i believe this will also help me to process it.

This "challenge" is about doing the best for you.
If instead you want to try to get her back, you're setting yourself up for more pain. Most of us experienced it and you probably did as well at some point in your life.

Be the smart man that learns from mistakes. Otherwise you're gonna fail again and again and you're not getting any younger.

Hope you'll have the will and balls to do the right thing. A new life awaits you.

 

[jamesfromhouston]

Hello gents.

Back again with my monthly update. Another month has gone by.

It is now:

NC 240 (8 Months)

For those who have followed (and those that have not) read my monthly updates, I have been doing well for months!

But things have been a bit tough and down lately (starting from month 6 - 7). Following my last update, I have sunk into a lower point because of an insane dry spell I've been going through. As I mentioned, I have moved somewhere with stricter Covid restrictions, for a period of time it has been strict lockdown. So I've not been able to really go out and date women. Being locked down has forced me to really be myself and I found my thoughts often going back to the high moments of my past relationship especially during moments when I have felt lonely. It doesn't help that recently a friend of mine had told me that the ex has moved to Barcelona, somewhere we talked about settling down in together. No doubt, she is starting her own life there.

At the same time, I am aware that I should not be thinking or feeling like this, I am consciously aware (from RP awakening) that the relationship was toxic, the girl had many red flags but it is hard to control the emotions at times. I feel pathetic and frustrated I cannot erase this person from my mind. In fact, to my very surprise, I have had 2 dreams about the ex within the past month (surprising since I've not dreamt about her for the whole year).

Interestingly, this resurfacing pain has recreated a momentum for me to amp up my self-improvement. (I talked about in earlier months that as I was recovering and the pain was gone, I've started to slack on my gym and self-help routines.) I am starting to amp up the frequency of my exercises, read and journal more. Also, it has really led to question the source of my self-esteem and value, maybe rather than focus it on the girl (or any girls), I should really draw value from within myself and learn to be happy being alone.

An interesting thought I had was on the idea of how women 'flow' into your life. When I was with that ex, I had women literally vying for my attention, a lot of plates were spun; top quality ones too. It was really really effortless. In a way because I was with the ex, I did not actively cared or chased. Now, that I am in a dry spell, it has been difficult to set up plates, requires so much effort. Even if I am trying deliberately now with much effort, the results have not been good at all. So I find it interesting how, when they come, they come in droves and when they're gone, they're gone in droves too.

Anyway, good news is, the restrictions for Covid are now gone and I am recently vaccinated, so I believe I will bounce back from the dry spell and get back to normal life again. I will keep you guys updated for sure.

For those who are reading this for a reference/indication of breadcrumbs; the ex has not left any, not after 8 months, not a single spec.

Take care brothers.

-James

 

[andreihaha]

Hello gents.

Back again with my monthly update. Another month has gone by.

It is now:

NC 240 (8 Months)

For those who have followed (and those that have not) read my monthly updates, I have been doing well for months!

But things have been a bit tough and down lately (starting from month 6 - 7). Following my last update, I have sunk into a lower point because of an insane dry spell I've been going through. As I mentioned, I have moved somewhere with stricter Covid restrictions, for a period of time it has been strict lockdown. So I've not been able to really go out and date women. Being locked down has forced me to really be myself and I found my thoughts often going back to the high moments of my past relationship especially during moments when I have felt lonely. It doesn't help that recently a friend of mine had told me that the ex has moved to Barcelona, somewhere we talked about settling down in together. No doubt, she is starting her own life there.

At the same time, I am aware that I should not be thinking or feeling like this, I am consciously aware (from RP awakening) that the relationship was toxic, the girl had many red flags but it is hard to control the emotions at times. I feel pathetic and frustrated I cannot erase this person from my mind. In fact, to my very surprise, I have had 2 dreams about the ex within the past month (surprising since I've not dreamt about her for the whole year).

Interestingly, this resurfacing pain has recreated a momentum for me to amp up my self-improvement. (I talked about in earlier months that as I was recovering and the pain was gone, I've started to slack on my gym and self-help routines.) I am starting to amp up the frequency of my exercises, read and journal more. Also, it has really led to question the source of my self-esteem and value, maybe rather than focus it on the girl (or any girls), I should really draw value from within myself and learn to be happy being alone.

An interesting thought I had was on the idea of how women 'flow' into your life. When I was with that ex, I had women literally vying for my attention, a lot of plates were spun; top quality ones too. It was really really effortless. In a way because I was with the ex, I did not actively cared or chased. Now, that I am in a dry spell, it has been difficult to set up plates, requires so much effort. Even if I am trying deliberately now with much effort, the results have not been good at all. So I find it interesting how, when they come, they come in droves and when they're gone, they're gone in droves too.

Anyway, good news is, the restrictions for Covid are now gone and I am recently vaccinated, so I believe I will bounce back from the dry spell and get back to normal life again. I will keep you guys updated for sure.

For those who are reading this for a reference/indication of breadcrumbs; the ex has not left any, not after 8 months, not a single spec.

Take care brothers.

-James

Sometimes the only thing that can cure a broken heart is time...
And, more important than that, someone new.
In the end it is up to you to decide if you're willing to work towards meeting someone new or torturing yourself with the past.
To me, it seems like you think about her waaay too much after 8 months. It's not ok.
I do hope you'll get better bro, but in all honesty, it's all up to you. Man up and go out there!

 

[mjb3617]

Hello gents.

Back again with my monthly update. Another month has gone by.

It is now:

NC 240 (8 Months)

For those who have followed (and those that have not) read my monthly updates, I have been doing well for months!

But things have been a bit tough and down lately (starting from month 6 - 7). Following my last update, I have sunk into a lower point because of an insane dry spell I've been going through. As I mentioned, I have moved somewhere with stricter Covid restrictions, for a period of time it has been strict lockdown. So I've not been able to really go out and date women. Being locked down has forced me to really be myself and I found my thoughts often going back to the high moments of my past relationship especially during moments when I have felt lonely. It doesn't help that recently a friend of mine had told me that the ex has moved to Barcelona, somewhere we talked about settling down in together. No doubt, she is starting her own life there.

At the same time, I am aware that I should not be thinking or feeling like this, I am consciously aware (from RP awakening) that the relationship was toxic, the girl had many red flags but it is hard to control the emotions at times. I feel pathetic and frustrated I cannot erase this person from my mind. In fact, to my very surprise, I have had 2 dreams about the ex within the past month (surprising since I've not dreamt about her for the whole year).

Interestingly, this resurfacing pain has recreated a momentum for me to amp up my self-improvement. (I talked about in earlier months that as I was recovering and the pain was gone, I've started to slack on my gym and self-help routines.) I am starting to amp up the frequency of my exercises, read and journal more. Also, it has really led to question the source of my self-esteem and value, maybe rather than focus it on the girl (or any girls), I should really draw value from within myself and learn to be happy being alone.

An interesting thought I had was on the idea of how women 'flow' into your life. When I was with that ex, I had women literally vying for my attention, a lot of plates were spun; top quality ones too. It was really really effortless. In a way because I was with the ex, I did not actively cared or chased. Now, that I am in a dry spell, it has been difficult to set up plates, requires so much effort. Even if I am trying deliberately now with much effort, the results have not been good at all. So I find it interesting how, when they come, they come in droves and when they're gone, they're gone in droves too.

Anyway, good news is, the restrictions for Covid are now gone and I am recently vaccinated, so I believe I will bounce back from the dry spell and get back to normal life again. I will keep you guys updated for sure.

For those who are reading this for a reference/indication of breadcrumbs; the ex has not left any, not after 8 months, not a single spec.

Take care brothers.

-James

I hear you bro but stop analyzing your relationship through the RP lens. It's good to reflect and understand where you went wrong, but don't keep replaying it in your head.

What's in the past is in the past. Leave it there.

 

[Raasay]

Hi all,

2nd post, here, I'm Nico (30) from GER, was tired of my GF, made her dump me after 5 years, 3 months later a big crisis hit me, tried to get her back, failed, now I'm doing the challenge, this is day 1.

Yesterday, I had my final talk with her, pushed her to say, that it is over forever vs. she saying "over for now", "maybe in future" etc. Inside I knew it was over but somehow these "maybe in future" statements gave me some irrational hope. I was relieved, even in a good mood for some hours and ready to move on until I went to bed and memories started to haunt me all night, in the end I slept 3 hours before going to work. I will describe how miserable I feel, not to get your compassion but because it is part of the story and it somehow helps to write it dow here.

To be honest, I do not know whether it is good or bad that it is over, maybe it is even good, which this is hard to believe in my current situation. On the other hand I know that I am especially missing and loving the girl she used to be, I am missing an old version of her, old times that are in my memories and that are bound to places and all kind of things in my life and it is those memories that have turned my days into a nightmare for nearly 4 weeks now. I wish I could just put them in a box until I am over it. Interestingly it is not only old memories but also memories which happened just a few days before the break up. It seems to be a very selective perception of my mind, only showing me the great things and ignoring everything which was bad. But this insight does not help me emotionally - at least not now. It is also weird, that it was the exact opposite that lead me into the break up: my mind only showing me negative things and ignoring everything which was positive. I need to get this in control, else it has the potential to ruin further parts of my life.

In the last weeks after the break up I seem to have learned more about myself than ever before and I am grateful for this reflection but also deeply disappointed of myself at the same time. I was extremely arrogant, selfish, a coward, running away from problems, ignoring everything which was outside my comfort zone, always happy and overly confident (the confidence of an idiot who does not know himself), looking down on people who had problems I could not understand and more. I know I am not a terrible person but it scares me that I let myself become like this without consciously knowing, just pushing it all away.

I also learned a lot about my former girl friend and it feels that even a tiny part of what I know today about myself and herself could have made a huge difference in our relationship. It is sad that things like our break up have to happen for me to open my eyes.

Edit: I will take three weeks off work to be with myself and start getting over her. No update from me during that time.

 

[LoboSolitario]

1 - The Rational Male

I'd stay away from the ratinal male especially while your in pain. it will turn your pain into hatred as is evident with many posters here. Also I don't think it is relevant in today's climate.

I would read deeply on Stoicism.

Two lessons:
1. What do I control in this situation and what do I not control? focus on what you control and leave what's outside your control to the fate.
objective judgment: it is what it is.
2. dealing with emotions: Acknowledge the emotion without judgement or trying to run from it, explore where it is coming from, act on it in a rational way

Do not run from pain or try to block it out. Pain means you are processing. You may have become attached or even developed a codependent dynamic. If that is the case your goal would be to break the attachment and break the chains of codependence......aiming for healthy detachment and independence. This will take time and patience. Enjoy the journey.

There was a story before about a guy who was practicing meditation with a buddhist monk. They travelled to visit some botanical gardens but when the arrived the gates were locked. The guy started to get a little frustrated as they had travelled some way and now the gates were chained before them "this is terrible" he gasped. he even apologized to the Buddhist monk for "dragging him" all this way for nothing (subjective judgements ). The Buddhist monk just smiled and started to walk along the gates parameter. The guy looked at him and thought were the hell is he going we might as well just turn back. They kept walking. Eventually the fencing just ended and the gardens opened up, they could just simply walk in. It was just a facade. Despite facing a locked gate and fencing the Buddhist monk just smiled, remained present and walked forward.

Remain present and keep walking forward. Suddenly the pain will fade and better things will open up to you.

Perhaps No more mr nice guy could be a good option too. If codependence is an issue read codependence no more after.