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The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

Max Baker

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I stumbled on this video about Stoicism last night which was kind of interesting philosophy i never heard of before. The art of not caring, of controlling YOUR response to the things & events around you. Guess boiled down its IDGAF attitude which would aptly apply to being dumped.
Stoicism & The Art of Not Caring - YouTube
The art of not caring is a skill that i believe very few master. It's a lot harder said than done. They say you shouldn't allow yourself to get attached either.
 

dude99

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My first post on this site but a topic that resonates deeply with me. Lived with my ex for 4 years. I'll leave out a lot of details but she finally left my house just over a year and a half ago. She jumped into a new relationship within 2 months of leaving yet still continued to contact me under the guise of friendship. It was hard to cut her off but i was ready to until she called me and told me she had cancer. So i decided to keep in contact to support her as best as i could even though she had a new guy. She appreciated it and she initiated contact 8 times to mine 2. That was the ratio.
But i started to realise every time she called me she was alone. Didn't take me long to figure out it was all behind her partners back. I stopped contacting her and she continued to initiate contact for the next 7 months. She told me she was happy but i got the i miss you text, its never too late for us and etc... The last contact i had from her was for my birthday in October last year. So, I'm pushing towards 4 months of no contact. She is still on my mind, because she proved to be an emotional cheater, immature, hot and cold and overall toxic. There was a lot to decipher. Anyway, I'm getting there. Its hard because despite who she turned out to be, i did care for her. But i had no choice but to walk away.
Sounds like she is the type of entitled chick that feels even though you broke up and you owe her nothing, she still feels entitled to your attention and your validation.

The fact that she has cancer is a shame. I don't wish that on anyone. But she seems to be immature to think she can leave a book mark in her life on you and return to you whenever she feels she wants attention. Even 4 years later. I have an ex that does this from time to time and i never bite. I never validate.

I would remind her she is in a relationship and it "is" too late for you two, remind her she left, and you have moved on and you are seeing other women. It is too late. It was too late 4 years ago, and what she is trying to do to you isnt fair to you or to the guy she is seeing, and that just shows how immature she is

She is using the cancer guilt to make you the bad guy if you don't validate her / or give her the out she is looking for in her current relationship. Remind her her boyfriend should be the one offering her the emotional support she needs at this time. Not you.

I would wish her well and move on and nothing good will come from her
 
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matt_uk

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Day 19

Nearly caved today, but watched some RP vids are told myself I was a ***** and got over it. Feel much more clarity and sense of purpose now though which shows me that moving forward is the right thing to do.
 

Max Baker

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Sounds like she is the type of entitled chick that feels even though you broke up and you owe her nothing, she still feels entitled to your attention and your validation.

The fact that she has cancer is a shame. I don't wish that on anyone. But she seems to be immature to think she can leave a book mark in her life on you and return to you whenever she feels she wants attention. Even 4 years later. I have an ex that does this from time to time and i never bite. I never validate.

I would remind her she is in a relationship and it "is" too late for you two, remind her she left, and you have moved on and you are seeing other women. It is too late. It was too late 4 years ago, and what she is trying to do to you isnt fair to you or to the guy she is seeing, and that just shows how immature she is

She is using the cancer guilt to make you the bad guy if you don't validate her / or give her the out she is looking for in her current relationship. Remind her her boyfriend should be the one offering her the emotional support she needs at this time. Not you.

I would wish her well and move on and nothing good will come from her
Hey mate thanks for the reply. Appreciate it. You're right it is too late and i am seeing other women. She is very immature, deceitful and disrespectful. Thing is i haven't told her these things. I feel picking up the phone after all this time to tell her is a waste of time. Therefore i decided to silently walk away a long time ago. If she ever contacts me again I'll tell her then.
 
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NSX-R

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She reached out to me 4 months after our last contact back in August . Back then we weren’t as well on talking terms , i reached out to her 3 months after our then last contact because i had some things that was hers and couldn’t use the post to send them thanks to corona lockdown.
Back in December we had normal conversations, she was initiating 99% of the time , she was sending me hearts kisses and for a small moment it felt like we were back to how we used to be .No i wasn’t easy on her or sweet , i was thinking every move that i was doing and i was 99% neutral. One day very late at night i received a long text from her apologising for everything that she did and in that moment i thought she had changed a bit . I responded with “i reform my beliefs about you but i believe it’s better to discuss this further when we meet and not through texts”. She agreed , then we had no contact for like a week . I texted that i was close to where she was(we live far away each of us) and invited her if she wanted to hang out . She said she had to be somewhere else so i didn’t pressed her further, told her she should have some fun there , then after a while she started asking how i was going to be there meaning that she was interested to meet me . I counter offered her to come and stay with me for a few days after she return from where she was and she told me she couldn’t do it because of the lockdown. It felt strange cause how can she have an excuse to be in that other place and not where i was ? Anyway , i said alright we could meet a few days later if you would like to and she was positive.
Few days pass , i was again close to where she was and i texted her if she’d like to meet . She responded again with “ i can’t i have to much work to do” . It pissed me off cause it was a bad excuse (she works in her family business and nowadays she has a lot of free time) and told her “ it would sound better if you were more honest and told me that you don’t want to see me in reality “. She gave me a few cold responses. Then i asked her why she apologised in the first place back then even when we had completely no contact and asked her if she did it because she got rejected from some dude and turned back where she thought she might not be rejected.
Anyway i told her she should stop from contacting me ever again and wished her good luck .

There’s been 10 days since then and she’s been posting nonstop insta stories of her (very unusual) and also a photo that i took last year in a place that we went together .

Anyway i do strongly believe she won’t ever contact me again which means I’ll be able to move on easier and find inner peace finally. This thing has been going on for the last year and after the end of each interaction i always had the feeling that she was going to reach out again . Hopefully not this time . I escaped from a very toxic and bad woman rationally speaking .
 

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Baibars

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She reached out to me 4 months after our last contact back in August . Back then we weren’t as well on talking terms , i reached out to her 3 months after our then last contact because i had some things that was hers and couldn’t use the post to send them thanks to corona lockdown.
Back in December we had normal conversations, she was initiating 99% of the time , she was sending me hearts kisses and for a small moment it felt like we were back to how we used to be .No i wasn’t easy on her or sweet , i was thinking every move that i was doing and i was 99% neutral. One day very late at night i received a long text from her apologising for everything that she did and in that moment i thought she had changed a bit . I responded with “i reform my beliefs about you but i believe it’s better to discuss this further when we meet and not through texts”. She agreed , then we had no contact for like a week . I texted that i was close to where she was(we live far away each of us) and invited her if she wanted to hang out . She said she had to be somewhere else so i didn’t pressed her further, told her she should have some fun there , then after a while she started asking how i was going to be there meaning that she was interested to meet me . I counter offered her to come and stay with me for a few days after she return from where she was and she told me she couldn’t do it because of the lockdown. It felt strange cause how can she have an excuse to be in that other place and not where i was ? Anyway , i said alright we could meet a few days later if you would like to and she was positive.
Few days pass , i was again close to where she was and i texted her if she’d like to meet . She responded again with “ i can’t i have to much work to do” . It pissed me off cause it was a bad excuse (she works in her family business and nowadays she has a lot of free time) and told her “ it would sound better if you were more honest and told me that you don’t want to see me in reality “. She gave me a few cold responses. Then i asked her why she apologised in the first place back then even when we had completely no contact and asked her if she did it because she got rejected from some dude and turned back where she thought she might not be rejected.
Anyway i told her she should stop from contacting me ever again and wished her good luck .

There’s been 10 days since then and she’s been posting nonstop insta stories of her (very unusual) and also a photo that i took last year in a place that we went together .

Anyway i do strongly believe she won’t ever contact me again which means I’ll be able to move on easier and find inner peace finally. This thing has been going on for the last year and after the end of each interaction i always had the feeling that she was going to reach out again . Hopefully not this time . I escaped from a very toxic and bad woman rationally speaking .
Sounds like she breadcrumbed you and just wanted the validation/attention.
Who knows the reason she contacted you but most times it’s not about you, it’s about them being in a ****ty situation. Move on and delete her from your life. She had her chance.
 

dude99

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Hey mate thanks for the reply. Appreciate it. You're right it is too late and i am seeing other women. She is very immature, deceitful and disrespectful. Thing is i haven't told her these things. I feel picking up the phone after all this time to tell her is a waste of time. Therefore i decided to silently walk away a long time ago. If she ever contacts me again I'll tell her then.
You dont need to tell her she is a selfish immature... you know what. She will see that as you still having feelings and are acting butt hurt.

Best approach if she reaches out is just to have no time for her. Being too busy for her tells her you owe her nothing, not even your time. Nothing. It tells her she isnt even an afterthought in your life and you have moved on.
 

Barrister

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NC - Day 41

Ran into a couple of her good friends yesterday while I was shopping at the mall. They are an older couple and the husband actually called out to me and came up and talked to me for a bit about the Super Bowl and some other random things. There was no mention of the ex by either him or by me.

I would like to think I would be feeling better and more myself by Day 60 of this challenge. I AM doing better than I was 2-3 weeks ago, but I am still thinking about her far more than I would like. I am not sure why, even though the logical half of my brain knows it was the decision for the best, my emotional side cannot completely shake her and keeps hanging onto things. I am sure she has moved on and is probably seeing other men at this point (since she already was being inappropriately friendly with another at the end of our relationship). What the hell is wrong with me? Or is this normal since the LTR lasted 2.5 years (even though it was toxic)? Hoping to be able to completely shake her sooner than later.
 

NSX-R

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Sounds like she breadcrumbed you and just wanted the validation/attention.
Who knows the reason she contacted you but most times it’s not about you, it’s about them being in a ****ty situation. Move on and delete her from your life. She had her chance.
That’s what i also thought. I’ve been myself lately very active on social maybe as a side effect showing her that I’m living the most that is possible during this stupid pandemic, which is true , also posted a couple of insta stories showing off my brand new AMG with a glimpse of the very sexy legs from a hb8 that I’m fcking atm . Obvious move to make her jealous but i believe it worked as intended. Other than that she has been seeing my insta stories as soon as i post them , it feels like she has post notifications for whatever i post on .

But since i don’t want to entertain the idea of us talking again i blocked her in every available form of communication we had for the first time and i do not intend to take that decision back as she used to do 6 times half a year ago lmfao . It’s officially over with her.
 

Barrister

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NC - Day 43

We ran across each other at court again today. This time not from a distance. She walked into the attorney lounge where I already was and I was on a phone call. We again locked eyes and I gave just a polite "hey" as she walked by. She again said nothing but just raised her eyebrows at me. I started to kind of chuckle to myself. At this point I thought to myself I am not going to hang around in here while she tries a manipulation tactic of childishly ignoring me and talking to other attorneys to upset me since I am sure that is what this is. I grabbed my things and left and went into the courtroom to finish my court call in that court then went upstairs to a different court without going back to the lounge and ignored her the rest of the time. I left the court without speaking to her again.

I have to admit that these childish games of not even saying hello almost make it easier for me. It reinforces to me what a negative, insecure and manipulative person she is to not even being able to say "hello" and instead try to make me upset by saying nothing to me like I am some monster. So silly. It felt good to walk away from her today and not let her have any power over me to make me feel bad and to just ignore her. She looked like hell on top of it. Going to stay in NC. I am sure once she gets bored of whoever is giving her validation in the next few months I will get the inevitable "hey" text from her. Sh1t is so stupid and predictable.
 

dude99

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NC - Day 43

We ran across each other at court again today. This time not from a distance. She walked into the attorney lounge where I already was and I was on a phone call. We again locked eyes and I gave just a polite "hey" as she walked by. She again said nothing but just raised her eyebrows at me. I started to kind of chuckle to myself. At this point I thought to myself I am not going to hang around in here while she tries a manipulation tactic of childishly ignoring me and talking to other attorneys to upset me since I am sure that is what this is. I grabbed my things and left and went into the courtroom to finish my court call in that court then went upstairs to a different court without going back to the lounge and ignored her the rest of the time. I left the court without speaking to her again.

I have to admit that these childish games of not even saying hello almost make it easier for me. It reinforces to me what a negative, insecure and manipulative person she is to not even being able to say "hello" and instead try to make me upset by saying nothing to me like I am some monster. So silly. It felt good to walk away from her today and not let her have any power over me to make me feel bad and to just ignore her. She looked like hell on top of it. Going to stay in NC. I am sure once she gets bored of whoever is giving her validation in the next few months I will get the inevitable "hey" text from her. Sh1t is so stupid and predictable.
The best revenge is just moving on and living your life well.
 

Mauser96

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NC - Day 43

We ran across each other at court again today. This time not from a distance. She walked into the attorney lounge where I already was and I was on a phone call. We again locked eyes and I gave just a polite "hey" as she walked by. She again said nothing but just raised her eyebrows at me. I started to kind of chuckle to myself. At this point I thought to myself I am not going to hang around in here while she tries a manipulation tactic of childishly ignoring me and talking to other attorneys to upset me since I am sure that is what this is. I grabbed my things and left and went into the courtroom to finish my court call in that court then went upstairs to a different court without going back to the lounge and ignored her the rest of the time. I left the court without speaking to her again.

I have to admit that these childish games of not even saying hello almost make it easier for me. It reinforces to me what a negative, insecure and manipulative person she is to not even being able to say "hello" and instead try to make me upset by saying nothing to me like I am some monster. So silly. It felt good to walk away from her today and not let her have any power over me to make me feel bad and to just ignore her. She looked like hell on top of it. Going to stay in NC. I am sure once she gets bored of whoever is giving her validation in the next few months I will get the inevitable "hey" text from her. Sh1t is so stupid and predictable.
Are you in the gym,?

Losing weight and building muscle?

If not, why not.

The better you look, the more she hurts.

Best advice is to move on....but if you can sting her in the meantime, better yet :)
 

Barrister

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Are you in the gym,?

Losing weight and building muscle?

If not, why not.

The better you look, the more she hurts.

Best advice is to move on....but if you can sting her in the meantime, better yet :)
Yes - although I was very active throughout my relationship with her anyway. But I have stayed the course and have actually added in some additional routines for to be in better shape. Have gotten a new hairstyle that I think looks much better and have completely revamped my wardrobe with newer things. I definitely look sharper now than I did at the end of the relationship. She on the other hand, for her, looked pretty rough yesterday like she hadn't slept in days or spent all night boozing. Maybe both.
 

Baibars

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NC - Day 43

We ran across each other at court again today. This time not from a distance. She walked into the attorney lounge where I already was and I was on a phone call. We again locked eyes and I gave just a polite "hey" as she walked by. She again said nothing but just raised her eyebrows at me. I started to kind of chuckle to myself. At this point I thought to myself I am not going to hang around in here while she tries a manipulation tactic of childishly ignoring me and talking to other attorneys to upset me since I am sure that is what this is. I grabbed my things and left and went into the courtroom to finish my court call in that court then went upstairs to a different court without going back to the lounge and ignored her the rest of the time. I left the court without speaking to her again.

I have to admit that these childish games of not even saying hello almost make it easier for me. It reinforces to me what a negative, insecure and manipulative person she is to not even being able to say "hello" and instead try to make me upset by saying nothing to me like I am some monster. So silly. It felt good to walk away from her today and not let her have any power over me to make me feel bad and to just ignore her. She looked like hell on top of it. Going to stay in NC. I am sure once she gets bored of whoever is giving her validation in the next few months I will get the inevitable "hey" text from her. Sh1t is so stupid and predictable.
Yes - although I was very active throughout my relationship with her anyway. But I have stayed the course and have actually added in some additional routines for to be in better shape. Have gotten a new hairstyle that I think looks much better and have completely revamped my wardrobe with newer things. I definitely look sharper now than I did at the end of the relationship. She on the other hand, for her, looked pretty rough yesterday like she hadn't slept in days or spent all night boozing. Maybe both.
You still seem to care too much. She needs to get out of your mind as much as possible. You interpreted every move she did. That’s not healthy man. I’m also thinking about my Ex from time to time but it got lesser and will hopefully disappear.
 
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Barrister

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You're overthinking it and she probably doesn't care as much as you. I'm not fully over my Oneitis because i have to deal with the consequences being with that slvt for the next years but believe me when i say that women do not think as much about a guy they've been w


You still seem to care too much. She needs to get out of your mind as much as possible. You interpreted every move she did. That’s not healthy man. I’m also thinking about my Ex from time to time but it got lesser and will hopefully disappear.
I know brother. You're right -- I do still care too much. I am getting there. I am much better now than I was 2-3 weeks ago. Like I said earlier this was a 2.5 year LTR and we officially ended in mid-Dec. So it hasn't been very long. I have gone out with a few women since but I have had little interest in them (not my type and acknowledge I can be very picky). I know that will be key to moving on is finding some that I am into.
 

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Baibars

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I know brother. You're right -- I do still care too much. I am getting there. I am much better now than I was 2-3 weeks ago. Like I said earlier this was a 2.5 year LTR and we officially ended in mid-Dec. So it hasn't been very long. I have gone out with a few women since but I have had little interest in them (not my type and acknowledge I can be very picky). I know that will be key to moving on is finding some that I am into.
You have to be more self-centered and realise it’s all about you. Keep grinding and live a better life. If you only look for a girl you’re into, the cycle just repeats itself. That’s not solution bro.I believe women aren’t there to fill the void in us. I felt good when my ex came into my life and filled that void and when she branched away, my pain became worse. Trying to fill it with another woman is wrong. Women are there for sex, fun and kids. They are attracted to guys with that independent mindset.

I cut off all contact to my ex for a long time now and the more I focus on myself, the more she disappears from my mind.
 

Barrister

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You have to be more self-centered and realise it’s all about you. Keep grinding and live a better life. If you only look for a girl you’re into, the cycle just repeats itself. That’s not solution bro.I believe women aren’t there to fill the void in us. I felt good when my ex came into my life and filled that void and when she branched away, my pain became worse. Trying to fill it with another woman is wrong. Women are there for sex, fun and kids. They are attracted to guys with that independent mindset.

I cut off all contact to my ex for a long time now and the more I focus on myself, the more she disappears from my mind.
I agree with everything you said -- to be clear I am merely looking for women I am sexually attracted to to have fun with (plate spinning). I am not searching for another LTR right now to fill the void left by my ex. I am ways off before I will be ready for that again and I am putting no time table on it.
 

RyanMan

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Not sure if this is the right place to put this, but split up with my GF (well, she split up with me :lol:) a year ago. We hadn’t been going out long, but I was in a bad place at the time due to family problems (my brother had attempted suicide, but I couldn’t tell anyone as he made me promise, among other issues that had affected me)

Did everything you’re NOT supposed to do when she breaks up with you (“what did I do?”, “I’m crushed...” etc etc!), now it’s almost a year later, I’ve worked through everything, in a much better place and used this time to work on myself. New job, new car, new house, new look, finally learning to ride that motorbike I wanted to do, all of that.

I’m on OLD but truthfully I’m too busy to date them & most don’t even grab my attention, I’m doing my own thing and still working on myself. I do still think of my ex occasionally, & figured I’d give it another crack at some point now I’m ‘myself’, but other than a teasing ping text in December (which I didn’t get a reply to, admittedly!) I haven’t attempted to contact her since March last year.

My question guys, is do I message her in the next few weeks while we’re still in lockdown (I’m in the UK) or wait till the restrictions are lifted to try then? I figure she’s far more likely to be receptive before the world opens up again & everyone is sniffing round ha.

My mindset & everything has changed now, so if she says no then so what. I just figure I might as well give myself the best shot, & not sure if that means messaging before the world opens up or leaving it till afterwards.
 

Max Baker

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Not sure if this is the right place to put this, but split up with my GF (well, she split up with me :lol:) a year ago. We hadn’t been going out long, but I was in a bad place at the time due to family problems (my brother had attempted suicide, but I couldn’t tell anyone as he made me promise, among other issues that had affected me)

Did everything you’re NOT supposed to do when she breaks up with you (“what did I do?”, “I’m crushed...” etc etc!), now it’s almost a year later, I’ve worked through everything, in a much better place and used this time to work on myself. New job, new car, new house, new look, finally learning to ride that motorbike I wanted to do, all of that.

I’m on OLD but truthfully I’m too busy to date them & most don’t even grab my attention, I’m doing my own thing and still working on myself. I do still think of my ex occasionally, & figured I’d give it another crack at some point now I’m ‘myself’, but other than a teasing ping text in December (which I didn’t get a reply to, admittedly!) I haven’t attempted to contact her since March last year.

My question guys, is do I message her in the next few weeks while we’re still in lockdown (I’m in the UK) or wait till the restrictions are lifted to try then? I figure she’s far more likely to be receptive before the world opens up again & everyone is sniffing round ha.

My mindset & everything has changed now, so if she says no then so what. I just figure I might as well give myself the best shot, & not sure if that means messaging before the world opens up or leaving it till afterwards.
I know its easy for me to say this but i've been there. It's best to cut your losses and keep doing what you are doing. I still think of my ex occasionally but there is no chance id pick up the phone. If she contacts you then deal with it then. Look for someone new, a fresh start.
 

RyanMan

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I know its easy for me to say this but i've been there. It's best to cut your losses and keep doing what you are doing. I still think of my ex occasionally but there is no chance id pick up the phone. If she contacts you then deal with it then. Look for someone new, a fresh start.
I totally see where you’re coming from Max, & in most normal situations I’d totally agree with you.

My thing is we didn’t end on bad terms (at least I don’t think so!), but I had a lot going on outside my relationship at the time (my oldest sister got sick, my brother got AIDS, really heavy stuff you don’t talk about in the early stages of a relationship) which affected it.

I’m in a totally different place right now, I’d like to be able to say “hey, I’ve a new job working in the city you live now” (which I am) “i’ll be around in the area, if you want a drink feel free to join me...”

It’s not that I’m not still looking for someone new, but nobody else I’ve seen has interested me. I know we don’t always need or get resolution to everything in life, but I’d always wonder because I never got a chance to explain what was going on.

I just wonder if I should get in touch with her (or indeed anyone else) before lockdown ends & the world opens back up, or wait till it’s all back to normal before messaging girls again.
 
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