The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[DarwinTaurus]

I don't know what's going on.

My ex contacted my on my Dad's birthday, two weeks ago (she broke up with me a few weeks prior to that). It was my Dad's first birthday since his passing, in early May. She said she was thinking of me. After thanking her for thoughts, left it at, and decided not to contact.

9 days later, she texted me out of the blue, while I was watching my friends band. Told her I was doing great, which I was. Then, since then, we've been texting pretty much every day. She has been giving me compliments, etc. She told me that when she was on the pill, it was messing with her hormones, and I think in hindsight she was going a bit crazy on it. Now she is off it. I get the sense she may be feeling regret over the break-up. Not sure what she wants, or what I should do at this point. I'm not going to pursue her. If she wants to rekindle the relationship, then, in my opinion, it is up to her to talk about that, as she was the one to break up with me.

 

[Barrister]

I don't know what's going on.

My ex contacted my on my Dad's birthday, two weeks ago (she broke up with me a few weeks prior to that). It was my Dad's first birthday since his passing, in early May. She said she was thinking of me. After thanking her for thoughts, left it at, and decided not to contact.

9 days later, she texted me out of the blue, while I was watching my friends band. Told her I was doing great, which I was. Then, since then, we've been texting pretty much every day. She has been giving me compliments, etc. She told me that when she was on the pill, it was messing with her hormones, and I think in hindsight she was going a bit crazy on it. Now she is off it. I get the sense she may be feeling regret over the break-up. Not sure what she wants, or what I should do at this point. I'm not going to pursue her. If she wants to rekindle the relationship, then, in my opinion, it is up to her to talk about that, as she was the one to break up with me.

This is called "bread-crumbing" and it sounds like you are falling for it. You provide instant validation for her by continuing to interact/respond to her. If you continue going down this path and thinking that your LTR can be rekindled, expect your difficulties to multiply tenfold. My advice is that next time she texts you you either (A) tell her that you appreciated her reaching out on your dad's birthday but think it is best that you go separate ways for good or (B) don't respond at all. If you don't feel you can bring yourself to tell her what you need to in option A - go with B. But do stop talking to her and putting on rose-colored glasses and thinking it must have been the pill that made your relationship fall apart.

Newsflash: it wasn't the pill.

 

[dude99]

I don't know what's going on.

My ex contacted my on my Dad's birthday, two weeks ago (she broke up with me a few weeks prior to that). It was my Dad's first birthday since his passing, in early May. She said she was thinking of me. After thanking her for thoughts, left it at, and decided not to contact.

9 days later, she texted me out of the blue, while I was watching my friends band. Told her I was doing great, which I was. Then, since then, we've been texting pretty much every day. She has been giving me compliments, etc. She told me that when she was on the pill, it was messing with her hormones, and I think in hindsight she was going a bit crazy on it. Now she is off it. I get the sense she may be feeling regret over the break-up. Not sure what she wants, or what I should do at this point. I'm not going to pursue her. If she wants to rekindle the relationship, then, in my opinion, it is up to her to talk about that, as she was the one to break up with me.

She broke up with you to go after or be with another guy. That didn't work out and now she is dropping bread crumbs to see if she can get some validation and free attention. She may regret breaking up with you but actions have consequences. I don't buy the BS about the pill being the problem. Breaking up with someome is something chicks think about for a long time so she had the plan to end things for a long time. If it was hormones then she would also have had moments where her hormomes would be telling her breaking up with you would be a big mistake.

What she has is regret. The grass was not greener, the sugar wasn't sweeter the sky wasn't bluer. When reality sunk in she realized she facked up.

You need to be too busy for her. All you are doing is validating her and when she yanks the rug out again because she will, you will be left with nothing but hurt.

Get busy, go after new women. She will do this to you again. Do not let her.

 

[DarwinTaurus]

She broke up with you to go after or be with another guy. That didn't work out and now she is dropping bread crumbs to see if she can get some validation and free attention. She may regret breaking up with you but actions have consequences. I don't buy the BS about the pill being the problem. Breaking up with someome is something chicks think about for a long time so she had the plan to end things for a long time. If it was hormones then she would also have had moments where her hormomes would be telling her breaking up with you would be a big mistake.

What she has is regret. The grass was not greener, the sugar wasn't sweeter the sky wasn't bluer. When reality sunk in she realized she facked up.

You need to be too busy for her. All you are doing is validating her and when she yanks the rug out again because she will, you will be left with nothing but hurt.

Get busy, go after new women. She will do this to you again. Do not let her.

Bit more of a backstory, she is going through a divorce (15yr marriage), which will finalize in August. She has two kids, works full time, plus has taken on full time study to change career. I think it became a bit too much, and I was the lowest priority. I don't think she is seeing anyone else. I'm only the 3rd person she has ever been with. 1st was a Lesbian relationship when she was young, then she met her soon to be former husband... and me.

 

[Barrister]

Bit more of a backstory, she is going through a divorce (15yr marriage), which will finalize in August. She has two kids, works full time, plus has taken on full time study to change career. I think it became a bit too much, and I was the lowest priority. I don't think she is seeing anyone else. I'm only the 3rd person she has ever been with. 1st was a Lesbian relationship when she was young, then she met her soon to be former husband... and me.

Not exactly the foundation for a successful relationship. I would tell you that you should have known better - but I have also been in a few spots that I am not proud of. Regardless, you are definitely better off moving on. I thought that even before you gave us the red-flag past she has. Good luck, brother.

 

[dude99]

Bit more of a backstory, she is going through a divorce (15yr marriage), which will finalize in August. She has two kids, works full time, plus has taken on full time study to change career. I think it became a bit too much, and I was the lowest priority. I don't think she is seeing anyone else. I'm only the 3rd person she has ever been with. 1st was a Lesbian relationship when she was young, then she met her soon to be former husband... and me.

Thanks for more background, you said a magic sentence in there that told me everything i needed to know.

"I was the lowest priority."

This tells me the relationship meant nothing to her. So when someone makes you their lowest priority, they become your lowest priority.

You are now too busy for her. She blew her chance. If you entertain her breadcrumbing now you will be teaching her, it is ok to do it to you again and again.

Stop going the extra mile for people who won't cross the street for you.

 

[DarwinTaurus]

Thanks for more background, you said a magic sentence in there that told me everything i needed to know.

"I was the lowest priority."

This tells me the relationship meant nothing to her. So when someone makes you their lowest priority, they become your lowest priority.

You are now too busy for her. She blew her chance. If you entertain her breadcrumbing now you will be teaching her, it is ok to do it to you again and again.

Stop going the extra mile for people who won't cross the street for you.

It still hurts. Perhaps I had oneitis. First relationship in a long time. We would usually see each other around 3 times a week. When we were with each other, it was amazing. And then all of a sudden, it just got too hard (I do think the final decision was a bit of a hormonal meltdown), and it was over. Yet a week before that, she gave me a gold keychain with an inscription stating she loved me, and the date we met. Bit of a headf!ck.

 

[Foe]

You are now too busy for her. She blew her chance. If you entertain her breadcrumbing now you will be teaching her, it is ok to do it to you again and again.

My Ex messaged me about a few days ago (3 weeks NC). I was weak and replied, didnt give a inch in the responses I gave but still I probably gave her the validation to move on that she needed. So be it, perhaps it was the last act of kindness I could offer.

To your point though this girl broke up with me over the 2.5 year relationship so many times I couldnt even tell you (average once a week). I took her back WAY WAY beyond what I should have which just re-enforced the idea that breaking up for her was acceptable. In someways I wish I was stronger and stood my ground 2 years ago but to be fair the sex was next level.

Hard to regret with that on tap. To be honest I'm so close to ringing her right now for another round. I wont but man I want to.

 

[dude99]

My Ex messaged me about a few days ago (3 weeks NC). I was weak and replied, didnt give a inch in the responses I gave but still I probably gave her the validation to move on that she needed. So be it, perhaps it was the last act of kindness I could offer.

To your point though this girl broke up with me over the 2.5 year relationship so many times I couldnt even tell you (average once a week). I took her back WAY WAY beyond what I should have which just re-enforced the idea that breaking up for her was acceptable. In someways I wish I was stronger and stood my ground 2 years ago but to be fair the sex was next level.

Hard to regret with that on tap. To be honest I'm so close to ringing her right now for another round. I wont but man I want to.

This is why i am a firm believer in you give a girl 1 chance. One. If she blows that chance she is history. Remember you are GIVING HER A CHANCE TO BE WITH YOU. You are the prize not her.

When you give them multiple chances you are teaching them to disrespect you. Bottom line, you are rewarding bad behaviour. When you reward bad behaviour you get more bad behaviour.

Sex with other girls will come along when you know you are the prize. Great sex will come along, and saying stuff like "the sex with her was next level," is putting her on a pedastle, you are making her the prize and this is why she disrespected you by dumping you weekly. She knew she could because you always took her back. You were in her frame and she was in control of the relationship. The mans job is to lead. When women lead the relationship turns into a schitt show. Also Never tell a chick how great they are in bed. Leave them wondering. It will make them second guess everything and they won't know they have you wrapped around their finger like your ex did.

If you are with a chick who suddenly shifts in attitude or goes colder than normal or even breaks up with you, you walk away and on to the next one. When they reach out breadcrumbing looking for free attention free validation at your epense remember, " i am too busy for this. I am moving forward. Not backwards."

If they call. Ignore. Delete the voice mail
If they text. Ignore. Delete.
If they email. Ignore delete
If they reach out in social media, block.
If you run into them on the street=
Her" hey i've been trying to contact you but its been impossible."
You " yeah my life has exploded! I've been crazy busy i have to make priorities and get to things when i have time."
Her " why are you so busy what's going on"
You" work, and play and family. A lot to do."
Her "maybe we should..........."
You - looking at the time " hey sorry to cut you off but i have a ton of stuff to get done before my date tonight. Bye!"

Then you walk away. Do not reach out to her do not recripricte any future trys from her.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Bit more of a backstory, she is going through a divorce (15yr marriage), which will finalize in August. She has two kids, works full time, plus has taken on full time study to change career. I think it became a bit too much, and I was the lowest priority. I don't think she is seeing anyone else. I'm only the 3rd person she has ever been with. 1st was a Lesbian relationship when she was young, then she met her soon to be former husband... and me.

Sounds like she was at a stressful time in her life. Sometimes in those times people end up withdrawing and pushing people away because it just becomes too much to deal with.

Perhaps that was the case, perhaps not. I would tread carefully here. She could be trying to make herself feel better about breaking up with you. Or she could be feeling regret at how things ended.

Perhaps she felt you were the right person to help her through this phase of her life but not the right person to move into the next phase of her life with and was feeling stuck. Like she couldn't move forward with you for whatever reason and only could do so if she broke up with you.

Either way, you constantly talking to her is making things easier for her and not serving you in any way.

 

[DarwinTaurus]

Sounds like she was at a stressful time in her life. Sometimes in those times people end up withdrawing and pushing people away because it just becomes too much to deal with.

Perhaps that was the case, perhaps not. I would tread carefully here. She could be trying to make herself feel better about breaking up with you. Or she could be feeling regret at how things ended.

Perhaps she felt you were the right person to help her through this phase of her life but not the right person to move into the next phase of her life with and was feeling stuck. Like she couldn't move forward with you for whatever reason and only could do so if she broke up with you.

Either way, you constantly talking to her is making things easier for her and not serving you in any way.

Thanks for your thoughts. She has put her two kids through counseling, as I believe they are finding the divorce hard. When my Ex moved out of the family home, her former-husband-to-be moved his new Girlfriend in the very next day. I think the kids are finding it tough with the Dad's new partner. The kids didn't know about me, but I think the eldest suspected. My Ex said she just wants to get her boys into their teenage years. So, I'm not sure if it was 'me' per se, but just the circumstances...

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Thanks for your thoughts. She has put her two kids through counseling, as I believe they are finding the divorce hard. When my Ex moved out of the family home, her former-husband-to-be moved his new Girlfriend in the very next day. I think the kids are finding it tough with the Dad's new partner. The kids didn't know about me, but I think the eldest suspected. My Ex said she just wants to get her boys into their teenage years. So, I'm not sure if it was 'me' per se, but just the circumstances...

Yeah that's the toughest part of the divorce...the Dad is probably also using the kids as pawns against her and making life difficult...

The stress is probably overwhelming at this point and she can't deal with also balancing you so she had to do what she felt was the only thing she could under the circumstances.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Thanks for more background, you said a magic sentence in there that told me everything i needed to know.

"I was the lowest priority."

This tells me the relationship meant nothing to her. So when someone makes you their lowest priority, they become your lowest priority.

You are now too busy for her. She blew her chance. If you entertain her breadcrumbing now you will be teaching her, it is ok to do it to you again and again.

Stop going the extra mile for people who won't cross the street for you.

No offense but I have no idea where guys on this forum are coming from who expect a woman is going to put a guy in front of their kids priority wise or make decisions based on him versus their kids needs.

IMHO, this would be a humongous red flag in terms of her not only being a garbage Mom, but also a garbage human being.

I have no earthly idea how guys complain about not finding quality women but then expect a woman to do the thing that would make her about the lowest quality woman they could be. It's in direct opposition to each other and it's makes absolutely no sense to me.

Clearly most guys here are not parents or don't have kids so they have no comprehension of how this actually works in real life. Only explanation I got, because if you have kids and you are expecting this, I feel bad for both you and your kids. And if you don't have kids and actually think like this...please don't have kids. There are enough deadbeat Dads as there are, no need to add another to the list.

 

[DarwinTaurus]

There was no way that I expected her to prioritize her kids over me. She had custody of her kids 4 days a week, and the 3 remaining days we would spend with each other (sometimes it was less, but that was due to me working shift work). I was happy with that arrangement. I thought we had a future, and in the long term, I would eventually meet her kids, which would lead to greater flexibility of when we could spend time together (she wanted to keep her kids, and our relationship separate).

 

[dude99]

No offense but I have no idea where guys on this forum are coming from who expect a woman is going to put a guy in front of their kids priority wise or make decisions based on him versus their kids needs.

IMHO, this would be a humongous red flag in terms of her not only being a garbage Mom, but also a garbage human being.

I have no earthly idea how guys complain about not finding quality women but then expect a woman to do the thing that would make her about the lowest quality woman they could be. It's in direct opposition to each other and it's makes absolutely no sense to me.

Clearly most guys here are not parents or don't have kids so they have no comprehension of how this actually works in real life. Only explanation I got, because if you have kids and you are expecting this, I feel bad for both you and your kids. And if you don't have kids and actually think like this...please don't have kids. There are enough deadbeat Dads as there are, no need to add another to the list.

No offence taken. I agree you don't want to date a dead beat mother that is Huge red flag. I 100% agree. Your kids rely on you they need you and being a proper parent they should be their first priority, but a woman can be a wonderful mother who loves and provides for and nurtures her kids AND treats her guy with love and respect too. That isn't too much to ask now is it?

His words "i was the lowest priority." Obvioisly SHE made him feel valueless and she treated him with disrespect and as he was in the way, or else he would have never made this statement. He spoke from the heart when he said that. The statement told me how he was feeling, how SHE treated him how she made him feel.

I agree. Don't date a dead beat mother. We agree on that but when a woman makes you feel worthless you don't reward her by sticking around.

 

[bcude]

I'm going to make this really simple.

100% of childless men (and women) want to feel prioritized when they look for something longer term
0% of single mothers can offer that, per definition, because of her child
100% of single mothers are bad partners for single childless men

So they are obviously excluded from the conversation about quality women which BackInTheGame78 seem to allude to in his last post.
That is why we say stay cleer from even dating one and if you do, know that you will never be a priority. So smash and have fun, but that's a dangerous path and the odds are against you not eventually catching any feelings, which leads down the path of coping and rationalizing.

That's only highlighting one of many issues that comes with dating one.

Your kids rely on you they need you and being a proper parent they should be their first priority, but a woman can be a wonderful mother who loves and provides for and nurtures her kids AND treats her guy with love and respect too. That isn't too much to ask now is it?

You would think so but it seems they become damaged from the whole experience so it's very very rare. They're way more conditional than normal and will act right as long as you provide but the genuine burning desire is not there, which is the heart of the problem.

 

[sickwithu]

It will be 7 months since the breakup. Since my last post, we didn't talk. I wasn't blocked on WhatsApp ( only fb, ig etc.). Sometimes I posted some statuses for my friends on WhatsApp ( ex was almost always the first one to see them, every each of them, I don't think this is relevant, people are just curious, I open status If i see it out of curiosity). One day I wanted to try something because I always thought my ex is a narcissist, her victim mentality and negativity, always blaming but never at fault for anything, selfishness.. so many patterns. So I put a bait and I was 100 percent sure she will write me after all those months. Guess what, it was true. I wrote this : Narcissists will destroy your life, erode your self-esteem, and do it with such stealth as to make u feel u are the one letting them down.

As soon as she sees it, she sends a message: "who is the narcissist ( I guess she was sure it was about her) haha. Then immediately deletes the message. I saw it on screen but I didn't open it, I pretended I didn't see it, so I asked, hey, did u want to ask me how I am, or maybe u wrote something by mistake.. Then she said, was this post about me.. I said, hell no, why would you think so.... LOL so we keep talking and I finally get the closure, finding out she is in a relationship ( probably was right after dumping me or dating someone while was with me) and she also said she "had sex ofc".. Well.. I was waiting for this.. I threw my best insults I could think of explaining how much respect I have for her.. I'm not proud of the things I say, but guess what, I felt great. I still do. She blocks me, after 2 hours of trying to "defend her honor" as she was saying.. I was just telling her, ok, slut just go away already. The next day she unblocks me to explain how she had every right to have sex as she is single ( ofc I don't deny it) and I'm a bad person. Of, she didn't say a single thing good about me or our past. And blocks me again. So, my question is... Do you guys think this is narcissistic behavior? I don't understand why she put so much effort to explain herself to me, It's my right if I hate her and if I choose not to respect her. It's still my process of moving on completely and releasing everything I wanted to say helped me. I don't understand the need to explain and defend. If someone tells me " I hate you" you are bad, blah blah, I'd say **** you, bye-bye.. She was so eager to explain and appear a good person in my eyes.. I don't get it, she is happy and in a new relationship and if it wasn't for this bait, she would never write. I guess it doesn't matter anyway, but I would love to hear some opinions.

 

[dude99]

It will be 7 months since the breakup. Since my last post, we didn't talk. I wasn't blocked on WhatsApp ( only fb, ig etc.). Sometimes I posted some statuses for my friends on WhatsApp ( ex was almost always the first one to see them, every each of them, I don't think this is relevant, people are just curious, I open status If i see it out of curiosity). One day I wanted to try something because I always thought my ex is a narcissist, her victim mentality and negativity, always blaming but never at fault for anything, selfishness.. so many patterns. So I put a bait and I was 100 percent sure she will write me after all those months. Guess what, it was true. I wrote this : Narcissists will destroy your life, erode your self-esteem, and do it with such stealth as to make u feel u are the one letting them down.

As soon as she sees it, she sends a message: "who is the narcissist ( I guess she was sure it was about her) haha. Then immediately deletes the message. I saw it on screen but I didn't open it, I pretended I didn't see it, so I asked, hey, did u want to ask me how I am, or maybe u wrote something by mistake.. Then she said, was this post about me.. I said, hell no, why would you think so.... LOL so we keep talking and I finally get the closure, finding out she is in a relationship ( probably was right after dumping me or dating someone while was with me) and she also said she "had sex ofc".. Well.. I was waiting for this.. I threw my best insults I could think of explaining how much respect I have for her.. I'm not proud of the things I say, but guess what, I felt great. I still do. She blocks me, after 2 hours of trying to "defend her honor" as she was saying.. I was just telling her, ok, slut just go away already. The next day she unblocks me to explain how she had every right to have sex as she is single ( ofc I don't deny it) and I'm a bad person. Of, she didn't say a single thing good about me or our past. And blocks me again. So, my question is... Do you guys think this is narcissistic behavior? I don't understand why she put so much effort to explain herself to me, It's my right if I hate her and if I choose not to respect her. It's still my process of moving on completely and releasing everything I wanted to say helped me. I don't understand the need to explain and defend. If someone tells me " I hate you" you are bad, blah blah, I'd say **** you, bye-bye.. She was so eager to explain and appear a good person in my eyes.. I don't get it, she is happy and in a new relationship and if it wasn't for this bait, she would never write. I guess it doesn't matter anyway, but I would love to hear some opinions.

Could be narcissists behaviour could be she is aware of her narcissistic behaviour could be someone had called her one before. She could have responded because they have increadibly fragil ego's and they do want to drag you into their drama to get their narcissistic supply, but in this case you dragged her into the drama. You had no communication with her for 7 months. You should have left it that way.

It could be she just loves drama and you gave her some.

All you did was tell her you are still pining over her and you still care which gave her the ego boost and narcissitic supply she needed, meanwhile she dragged you through the mud and ruined your night/day/next 3 weeks and set your healing back 7 months. She made sure to tell you she was having sex because she wanted to rub your nose in it. She wanted to say she was doing better without you (even if it isn't true) because she wants to hurt you and get validation.

The closure you needed is honestly moving on and living a good life without her. Not trying to entice her with shots about being a narcissist.

Her blocking then unblocking to get more words in is just that. Words. Useless words. She wants to feel she won the arguement so she insisted on having the last work then reblocking you.

If you feel she honestly is a narcissist the best way to hurt them is to move on without them. Live well without them. They think they are superiour to you and believe your life will end without them. Moving on will heal you the most and hurt them the most. Leave her blocked and do not reply or engage with her anymore.

 

[evolve98]

i have no regrets in meeting you

even tho we are no longer together

you continue to shine like gold in my memories

 

[Gameplayer007]

This is why i am a firm believer in you give a girl 1 chance. One. If she blows that chance she is history. Remember you are GIVING HER A CHANCE TO BE WITH YOU. You are the prize not her.

When you give them multiple chances you are teaching them to disrespect you. Bottom line, you are rewarding bad behaviour. When you reward bad behaviour you get more bad behaviour.

Sex with other girls will come along when you know you are the prize. Great sex will come along, and saying stuff like "the sex with her was next level," is putting her on a pedastle, you are making her the prize and this is why she disrespected you by dumping you weekly. She knew she could because you always took her back. You were in her frame and she was in control of the relationship. The mans job is to lead. When women lead the relationship turns into a schitt show. Also Never tell a chick how great they are in bed. Leave them wondering. It will make them second guess everything and they won't know they have you wrapped around their finger like your ex did.

These words couldn’t hold more truth than they already do.

I foolishly pursued someone who already rejected me. Back then I was only a bit red pilled, but way more blue pilled. And I can’t even express how dumb it is to give a woman more chances if you think it’s going to work. It won’t.

When you give her your attention freely, she won’t value you. You’re too easy to manipulate at her beck and call. When you make her the prize and not yourself, your attention isn’t of much value. But when you’re the prize and treat her like she’s the orbiter, things can be different. You have to put in the work on yourself, but honestly from personal experience and pain, it’s not worth pursuing a woman who rejected you.