Hello Friend,

If this is your first visit to SoSuave, I would advise you to START HERE.

It will be the most efficient use of your time.

And you will learn everything you need to know to become a huge success with women.

Thank you for visiting and have a great day!

The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

Raasay

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She texted me again, this time about the castration of our youngest cat... Idk if there is a deeper meaning behind and tbh I don't really care.

But I thought about how to proceed in general and I see 2 paths. 1) Keep the cats, close all administrational stuff around the break up (she owes me also something around 2,5k-5k EUR) at the price of a minimum of contact with her and the pain attached to it.
2) Let go of everything and hopefully cut all ties for good. But even then she could simply walk over to my place ring and say whatever...

I want to try 1) because of the cats (let's not go too deep here, I might be just a bit crazy about them and I'm willing to take some pain if it works in the end) and even with 2) she can find a way to contact me anytime, be it just a letter that she drops in my mailbox.

For me the damage was done, once I received her messages, not replying was good and I'm still in no contact, but the damage is done once she reaches out to me and I cannot do much about it. So I'm thinking about having her come over, tell her again (...) in a friendly manner that I do not want to hear from her ever again, that she shall please respect it, pay my money back etc. We are in good terms and she paid pack around 8k EUR already. So chances are that it might work out... she also seems to think, that me wanting no contact is some kind of phase that will end at some point, so I could try to clarify that it is not. In the long-term the only contact I want to have is "hey, picking up the cats on date X, bringing them back on date Y, bye".

I'm not decided yet, for now still no contact, it's been around 30 days now I think.
 

dude99

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She texted me again, this time about the castration of our youngest cat... Idk if there is a deeper meaning behind and tbh I don't really care.

But I thought about how to proceed in general and I see 2 paths. 1) Keep the cats, close all administrational stuff around the break up (she owes me also something around 2,5k-5k EUR) at the price of a minimum of contact with her and the pain attached to it.
2) Let go of everything and hopefully cut all ties for good. But even then she could simply walk over to my place ring and say whatever...

I want to try 1) because of the cats (let's not go too deep here, I might be just a bit crazy about them and I'm willing to take some pain if it works in the end) and even with 2) she can find a way to contact me anytime, be it just a letter that she drops in my mailbox.

For me the damage was done, once I received her messages, not replying was good and I'm still in no contact, but the damage is done once she reaches out to me and I cannot do much about it. So I'm thinking about having her come over, tell her again (...) in a friendly manner that I do not want to hear from her ever again, that she shall please respect it, pay my money back etc. We are in good terms and she paid pack around 8k EUR already. So chances are that it might work out... she also seems to think, that me wanting no contact is some kind of phase that will end at some point, so I could try to clarify that it is not. In the long-term the only contact I want to have is "hey, picking up the cats on date X, bringing them back on date Y, bye".

I'm not decided yet, for now still no contact, it's been around 30 days now I think.

Here is my advice and i am sure most here will agree with me.

Get your own cat. Ignore her message. Delete her message. Block her number and go meet new women.

You are prolonging your own healing trying to hang in there for a cat.
.
 

Raasay

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I know you are right, and I genuinely appreciate your advice (!), I cannot explain it, I'm just attached to those little f*ckers and I do not want just any cat. Besides that the little one seems to be my ally, since I moved out he has started to p*ss and sh*t outside his toilet^^ Maybe I'll regret it, I can imagine, that in the end I'll suffer much more than I originally expected it...

I'm meeting new women, I will meet a girl this Sunday. Actually I have more girls available to meet than I have time - not bragging here, I have little time, they are decent but not as good as my ex gf (not in a oneitis sense, I'll have to work on myself and maybe need some luck if I want to date this league of girls in future, probably they are also just rare).
 

jamesfromhouston

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Hey gents.

Back again, with my monthly NC update! Nice to touch base.

Like I said, I'll be doing these updates for at least 12 months, hopefully some of you bros will get something out of my journey.

NC 270 (9 months)

As some of you bros know I was in a dark place in the past 2 months. Originally I was doing better but then I moved to a place that had some serious Covid restrictions which imprisoned me at home most of the time. I was unable to go out, meet and spin plates. It was probably one of the worst periods of the NC journey, almost on the same level as the first months of NC. I was feeling very miserable and lonely. Its really funny at times like that when you're going through a dry spell, your mind starts to rationalise how bad it is and exaggerates it. I literally became very desperate and tried OLD but I just had no luck. Desperation attracts desperation. During this time, my negative feelings about my ex came back, I was thinking about my ex loads.

GOOD NEWS is that the restrictions have gone. My life has been back to normal over the past couple of weeks. I immediately jumped on the opportunity to spin new plates and meet girls. I've met a lot since. Had a lot of fun. There was one recent and memorable week, I went out every single night and ended up making out with my first dates back to back every single time. I plan to lay some of those dates now. They've now become plates so let's see how I play it. This is a stark contrast of the loneliness that I was going through in lockdown.

So I guess note to self and to others here is: however miserable or desperate you feel because of NC added on with Covid, bear in mind that it isn't permanent. It might feel like one bad news after the other but once the wheel spins again, you'll be back in action. You might question whether you'll find the fun again; just be patient and keep pushing.

Dating Girls

So following this note, I've begun to experience some of the lethargy when it comes to dating. Now that I've met so many girls, had passionate moments. It does feel a bit tiring. Something I wrote about in my earlier NC's was how, hooking up always gives you an immediate high of the night but then it eventually dies down and I'll end up chasing it again in the next date. This cycle can be a bit tiring after awhile especially if like me, you've been going out every night. So it has re-empashized my earlier conclusions that new girls/dates cannot be your solution to get better after the break up. True happiness will have to come from other sources, probably more meaningful sources like working on yourself or spending time on yourself.

Online Dating

Beginning to feel that online dating is a massive waste of time with very small sliver of value. Girls there are super flakey, entitled and generally just bitches. Yet at the same time, most of my dates have come from girls from OLD since Covid. So basically you got to invest very carefully into it, most girls there will waste your time. I learnt that with first hand experience, had many girls who were apparently into me on OLD and Social Media yet when it came to meeting up, they flaked and just acted like princesses. Its all about identifying true interest level and fake ones.

Interest Levels & Chasing

A bit part of NC is about practising and applying my RP lessons into my life. One evident area I've changed and seen application is the importance of interest levels and how you chase. I used to be a very desperate and thirsty guy who would chase really hard to get the girls I want. Deep inside it made them the prize. Now, I'm more reactive. I've only fed attention to girls who seem interested in me. This has made a world of difference in my dating life and mental health. I've been able to close these high IL girls much more easily. They often give me attention and bend to my life rather than the other way round. It is such a relief that I don't need to exert so much effort to chase someone who might not have any interest me at all in the first place and wasting tiring energy to build that interest. This has been the biggest thing I've applied lately. Sure, it means your ideal dating pool might be smaller but it makes life so much easier and enjoyable.

Breadcrumbs & Getting Over Ex

So my ex has not yet contacted me in any form even after 9 months. Absolutely 0 bread crumbs. As I mentioned many times, comes to such a surprise since she was so into me. Surprising she can just turn off like that. Yet it doesn't really bother me anymore. I do still think about her time to time and have dreams about her but it doesn't really hurt. More so curiosity than anything else (e.g. how is she, what she is up to). I find that keeping my life busy, especially with the presence of other plates, women and dates definitely do help because I basically don't even think about her during those moments. But at the same time, I am looking to get to a point that even without the dates, and distraction of *****, I am not thinking about her. I feel like I am getting there but it takes time.

Anyway, hope my bros are good.

-James
 

Raasay

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As I mentioned many times, comes to such a surprise since she was so into me.
Read "War Brides" in Rationale Male if you are interested in a theory that might answer this. You can observe this behavior also in other mammals, e. g. lionesses so there seems to be something about it. Besides that, I don't know what happened between the 2 of you, but my experience is, if you hurt a girl very much, they won't come back because they have to protect themselves just like we do it here. For me, only the girls came back that hurt me.
 

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bcude

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Read "War Brides" in Rationale Male if you are interested in a theory that might answer this. You can observe this behavior also in other mammals, e. g. lionesses so there seems to be something about it. Besides that, I don't know what happened between the 2 of you, but my experience is, if you hurt a girl very much, they won't come back because they have to protect themselves just like we do it here. For me, only the girls came back that hurt me.
Something that most suffering men also seem to miss is the fact that women break up long before the actual "talk". By the point he finally hears about it and starts his grieving, she's already made her mind up in the months earlier and processed the break up while being together with him. The signs are usually there, yet we decide to ignore them only to be taken by surprise when she wants to have "the talk". When we go back to analyze the broken relationship and break it down to impressive level of detail - a common trait among men - we see the signs very clearly in hindsight. So men and women are usually on complete different paths when a relationship eventually ends.
I believe, however, that with the right amount of work and self-improvement we get better with every relationship on how to identify the signs of waning respect in our state of chemical induced madness (called love) and walk away before she does... because we all know how brutally cold women can be when they have to do the breaking up. That's also when you really get to know her true character.
 

jamesfromhouston

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Something that most suffering men also seem to miss is the fact that women break up long before the actual "talk". By the point he finally hears about it and starts his grieving, she's already made her mind up in the months earlier and processed the break up while being together with him. The signs are usually there, yet we decide to ignore them only to be taken by surprise when she wants to have "the talk". When we go back to analyze the broken relationship and break it down to impressive level of detail - a common trait among men - we see the signs very clearly in hindsight. So men and women are usually on complete different paths when a relationship eventually ends.
I believe, however, that with the right amount of work and self-improvement we get better with every relationship on how to identify the signs of waning respect in our state of chemical induced madness (called love) and walk away before she does... because we all know how brutally cold women can be when they have to do the breaking up. That's also when you really get to know her true character.
Beautifully said brother.
 

Raasay

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Interesting development here, as announced I didn't block her... she kept texting me, at some point I replied, that I won't text back, but if it is important I'm open to talk. Some drama from her side, we kept texting back and forth admin stuff, like selling things we owned together and agreed to meet on Nov. 20th. This is too late for her, she wants to see me earlier. I tell her, I'll see when it fits, I'll tell you where and when. At this point she had put an absolutely abnormal amount of effort and work into the conversation and into meeting me asap so I start getting confused what she is after. How much effort are women willing to invest for their validation when I refuse to provide it to her?

Anyways, I got weak and texted her although I said no personal issues via text, but the sheer amount of effort and all she's done puzzled me and I wanted to kill any irrational hope for her coming back. So I said, you realized we are broken up? You know that I suffered for the end of our relationship, that you are not the only person that has feelings and that I asked at least 10 times to leave me be? I guess you got a serious reason to keep texting me over and over again.

Then, via text and phone:
She: I'm not texting you that often and bla bla bla contradicting ****, she wants to close the breakup in a clean way but there is also more.
Me: You are no part of my life anymore + a friendly GTFO
She: Admits that she still loves me, misses me and stopped/ended the other dude. At the same time complains about not helping me through her breakup (lol). Also says, you were so mean to me (GTFO), now I don't want to meet you anymore... I love you but I don't know, bla bla bla. My feelings bla bla bla, I only know I still love you, but I don't know if I want to try it again, I'm confused bla bla, you are so mean, now I don't want to talk anymore, we should just break up bla bla bla.

This is absolutely fascinating, I'm 99% sure that she has no idea what she's doing here, I think that she has close to no control about it at all. Seriously, this is scary, like observing a sleep walker or schizophrenic person. But at the same time, it is like in the horror movies, I just have go there and look what it is... At the moment it is not giving me extra pain but I'm definitely stirred up... that's a pretty thin line that I'm trying to balance here... but I know her and I know the game, I should be able to handle her, I used to be good at this before.

I'm taking a big risk here, but I just have to examine it, for now I have to get my emotional sh*t in order so I can join her playing this weird game... any chance to win it or has she already won when I joined it?

I'm staying cool, relaxed, humorous, I laugh a lot (not faking it), she also knows, that I have some dates scheduled, so this shouldn't give her much validation right? At the same time, I'm honestly and seriously saying if there is still love, we should at least talk about it. Still think she is a good girl, good character (one says, in a break-up they show their true face, even during the break-up she kept cooking for me, caring, doing hundreds of things for me, being very fair, paying my money back etc.), good looking, good job, good salary, no financial discussions, faithful, honest, reliable... However, I don't know if it is still possible to repair something and even if, if that'd be a good idea... But I'm too curious to not see where this is going... I think the most probable scenario is, that she lures me in, until I somehow commit and say I want a relationship again, she has the validation she was after and then realizes that she doesn't have feelings for me anymore or so.
 

dude99

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Interesting development here, as announced I didn't block her... she kept texting me, at some point I replied, that I won't text back, but if it is important I'm open to talk. Some drama from her side, we kept texting back and forth admin stuff, like selling things we owned together and agreed to meet on Nov. 20th. This is too late for her, she wants to see me earlier. I tell her, I'll see when it fits, I'll tell you where and when. At this point she had put an absolutely abnormal amount of effort and work into the conversation and into meeting me asap so I start getting confused what she is after. How much effort are women willing to invest for their validation when I refuse to provide it to her?

Anyways, I got weak and texted her although I said no personal issues via text, but the sheer amount of effort and all she's done puzzled me and I wanted to kill any irrational hope for her coming back. So I said, you realized we are broken up? You know that I suffered for the end of our relationship, that you are not the only person that has feelings and that I asked at least 10 times to leave me be? I guess you got a serious reason to keep texting me over and over again.

Then, via text and phone:
She: I'm not texting you that often and bla bla bla contradicting ****, she wants to close the breakup in a clean way but there is also more.
Me: You are no part of my life anymore + a friendly GTFO
She: Admits that she still loves me, misses me and stopped/ended the other dude. At the same time complains about not helping me through her breakup (lol). Also says, you were so mean to me (GTFO), now I don't want to meet you anymore... I love you but I don't know, bla bla bla. My feelings bla bla bla, I only know I still love you, but I don't know if I want to try it again, I'm confused bla bla, you are so mean, now I don't want to talk anymore, we should just break up bla bla bla.

This is absolutely fascinating, I'm 99% sure that she has no idea what she's doing here, I think that she has close to no control about it at all. Seriously, this is scary, like observing a sleep walker or schizophrenic person. But at the same time, it is like in the horror movies, I just have go there and look what it is... At the moment it is not giving me extra pain but I'm definitely stirred up... that's a pretty thin line that I'm trying to balance here... but I know her and I know the game, I should be able to handle her, I used to be good at this before.

I'm taking a big risk here, but I just have to examine it, for now I have to get my emotional sh*t in order so I can join her playing this weird game... any chance to win it or has she already won when I joined it?

I'm staying cool, relaxed, humorous, I laugh a lot (not faking it), she also knows, that I have some dates scheduled, so this shouldn't give her much validation right? At the same time, I'm honestly and seriously saying if there is still love, we should at least talk about it. Still think she is a good girl, good character (one says, in a break-up they show their true face, even during the break-up she kept cooking for me, caring, doing hundreds of things for me, being very fair, paying my money back etc.), good looking, good job, good salary, no financial discussions, faithful, honest, reliable... However, I don't know if it is still possible to repair something and even if, if that'd be a good idea... But I'm too curious to not see where this is going... I think the most probable scenario is, that she lures me in, until I somehow commit and say I want a relationship again, she has the validation she was after and then realizes that she doesn't have feelings for me anymore or so.
You ask if you can win this or if she has already won. Only one answer :

She is sucking you back into her frame of drama. When you participate, she wins.

To quote the "Joshua computer" from the movie War Games, "the only winning move is not to play."
 

Raasay

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She's done with the other dude and now going crazy to get me back. She wants to evaluate if we can repair what is left between us. I'm open to talk but not decided yet.
 

dude99

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She's done with the other dude and now going crazy to get me back. She wants to evaluate if we can repair what is left between us. I'm open to talk but not decided yet.
Ignore. Block. Delete.

Stay that course. As soon as she is validated knowing she "could" have you back she will flake and leave you hanging again and again.

She had her chance. She blew it. Go date other women
 

bobafatt

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Back here after a 2.5 year relationship!

The last few months have a been a struggle, this weekend I think we've finally both cracked. There has been some real toxic and disrespectful behaviour on her part, I wanted to end the relationship soon and had plans to after she finished her course which we was struggling quite a bit with, she beat me too it. Both of us were in agreement that we weren't making each other happy.

I lost my centre and purpose in life but i could see everything failing in front of me without the communication from either of us, I have been working out and eating healthy for a while now, I guess, in a way mentally preparing for the situation I find myself in now.

If I'm honest, yes it does suck at times but not as bad as I thought - it does feel like a weight has been lifted.

We got into an argument over the weekend over nothing, i asked her what the problem was and that's we she came out with not knowing what she wanted and was unhappy. I asked her where she wanted to go from here and she didn't know. I proposed a break to test the waters and see how we both felt and this would also allow her to complete her course with less stress, she agreed.

Knowing this was a big mistake on my part, I rang her back and asked to meet the next day so we can properly chat about us and the future.

Cut a long story short I told her the break was a bad idea and the best thing for us both was to drop down tools and move on without each other. I told her this is something that's been coming for a while and even though I would try my best to make us work, I didn't feel like she would put the effort in as much as me. I told here there were no hard feelings but I will not be getting in contact with her again and that if she changed her mind. She knew where I was!

I walked away and that's been the last time I've seen or spoke to her in four days - the longest we've gone without speaking to each other.

If you've read this far down, thank you! I needed to vent somewhere and this is it.

I'm here if anyone else wants advice or a chat!
 

dude99

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Back here after a 2.5 year relationship!

The last few months have a been a struggle, this weekend I think we've finally both cracked. There has been some real toxic and disrespectful behaviour on her part, I wanted to end the relationship soon and had plans to after she finished her course which we was struggling quite a bit with, she beat me too it. Both of us were in agreement that we weren't making each other happy.

I lost my centre and purpose in life but i could see everything failing in front of me without the communication from either of us, I have been working out and eating healthy for a while now, I guess, in a way mentally preparing for the situation I find myself in now.

If I'm honest, yes it does suck at times but not as bad as I thought - it does feel like a weight has been lifted.

We got into an argument over the weekend over nothing, i asked her what the problem was and that's we she came out with not knowing what she wanted and was unhappy. I asked her where she wanted to go from here and she didn't know. I proposed a break to test the waters and see how we both felt and this would also allow her to complete her course with less stress, she agreed.

Knowing this was a big mistake on my part, I rang her back and asked to meet the next day so we can properly chat about us and the future.

Cut a long story short I told her the break was a bad idea and the best thing for us both was to drop down tools and move on without each other. I told her this is something that's been coming for a while and even though I would try my best to make us work, I didn't feel like she would put the effort in as much as me. I told here there were no hard feelings but I will not be getting in contact with her again and that if she changed her mind. She knew where I was!

I walked away and that's been the last time I've seen or spoke to her in four days - the longest we've gone without speaking to each other.

If you've read this far down, thank you! I needed to vent somewhere and this is it.

I'm here if anyone else wants advice or a chat!
If she is becoming disrespectful and toxic then you did the right thing. Just walk away.

What most men don't realize is if she can go toxic suddenly, this has been her true colours all along. She just chose to hide it and sadly you fell in love with a phony personality. The toxic personality is the real her. If you genuinely care for a person you do not deliberately disrespect them or be toxic towards them. You just don't. If she suddenly goes toxic then she is just showing her true colours.

Keep your head high and if she ever does reach out, do not fall for it. Once toxic always toxic. She just chosen to hide it

If she tries to contact you moving forward, just ignore and delete and move on.
 

Aurora Demon

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I need this. Heart broken. Let's go. I'm on about 60 days, I'll count sometime tonight.
 

bobafatt

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Regardless of what her thoughts were or lack of towards the end, we were both of the same mentality, I should of recognized the problems sooner and taken action myself but instead i stayed in the relationship to try and resolve the issues we had, I will put my hand up and say i made mistakes and now is a time to work on myself, find my centre and get back to my happy single life!

Im lucky to be a member of a site like this, I would also like to recommend coach corey wayne's book and youtube videos - they have helped out a lot. When you know exactly what to do after a break up it makes life a lot easier. I can be proud in myself knowing that after she bailed out mentally in the relationship that i owned up to my own self, valued my time and respect as a person to just walk away and mean it.

i advise anyone else in the same position to do the same!
 

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Aurora Demon

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Which book by Corey Wayne? And which videos?

Break ups are devastating for me if I actually like the girl. Like fall in love with her. It takes more than 6-9 months every single time.
 

bobafatt

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you tube coach corey wayne - his book 3% man is a great book but he also had loads of informative videos
 

Aurora Demon

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Hmmm.. I think I have the book. What would you rate it 1-10 in how much it helped you keep the 'no contact' and emotionally get over this pair-bond?
 

bobafatt

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Hmmm.. I think I have the book. What would you rate it 1-10 in how much it helped you keep the 'no contact' and emotionally get over this pair-bond?
The book is worth reading just to keep you in your centre and think about positive things. Remember to do NC for you and your own self improvement! There is also a good channel on youtube called coach lee - the videos and comments on there i find encouraging when im feeling down.
 

bobafatt

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It's coming up to two weeks of NC, the first week wasn't so bad but I have particularly found the last couple of days difficult. I have found myself thinking about her more than I should. I am very committed to eating healthy and exercising regularly but it's usually the time before bed or waking up first thing in the morning which are hard, especially when you know you've been dreaming about them all night.

I keep analyzing the break up, questioning whether I did the right thing or not. I have to remind myself that it was her who didn't know what she wanted, felt lost and needed space. Originally she agreed to the idea of a break but i couldn't bring myself to go through with that, that is why I met her two weeks ago and told her that it was best that we both moved on and let go. I told her in no uncertain terms that i would be keeping in contact with her and because of the way she felt that it would be up to her to get in contact with me.

She is very stubborn so even if she wanted to she probably wont get in touch, It has been a long two weeks, it's the longest we've gone in 2.5 years that we haven't spoken to each other. She has blocked me on the majority of social sites and i have deleted her number, luckily, i don't know it off by heart but yesterday i had a moment and nearly cracked in a messaged her. She was on my missed calls list on whatsapp and i clicked on the message symbol - she came online and stayed on line for the same amount of time as me, we must of been online together for over a two minutes. I closed whatsapp and immediately opened it again to see that she was offline too. Maybe its my brain looking for something that isn't there but it really felt like the was on the other side of the phone thinking and doing the same as me. LUCKILY I DIDNT CONTACT HER but it messed the rest of my day up! I deleted her number off the list so NOW there really is no way of getting in contact.

Here's to another two weeks! This thread has really helped!
 
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