The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[soulforge]

I find it odd when women feel they have to hide the fact they have had a drink, I had to deal with that a few times and it happened when I was out for the day, she had people round and had drinks and tried to deny the whole thing, there were wine glasses in the sink when I come home and the music channels had been left on. Why not just be open and tell me what was going on? It's like a dark secret and made even more worse when treated in this manner. I didn't care if she had a drink but then it came across that there was a problem when she did and her friends began to believe I had an issue with it because she done it that way.

Exactly how I felt.

I know my exes family are massive drinkers.

So when she goes over, I know to some degree they are going to be getting drunk.

However with my ex, when I first started seeing her, we was seeing eachother casually getting to know each other.

One time she went out with her friend and they both got very drunk, how did she get home in that drunken state? Turns out a MALE friend of hers picked them both up.

Two attractive drunk girls, getting inside a dudes car who is much older than them both? I'm not buying that dude is just wanting to be freinds.

I came to realise that I simply don't trust my ex when alcohol is involved & this recent behaviour felt sneaky too.

 

[Designer Man]

Exactly how I felt.

I know my exes family are massive drinkers.

So when she goes over, I know to some degree they are going to be getting drunk.

However with my ex, when I first started seeing her, we was seeing eachother casually getting to know each other.

One time she went out with her friend and they both got very drunk, how did she get home in that drunken state? Turns out a MALE friend of hers picked them both up.

Two attractive drunk girls, getting inside a dudes car who is much older than them both? I'm not buying that dude is just wanting to be freinds.

I came to realise that I simply don't trust my ex when alcohol is involved & this recent behaviour felt sneaky too.

Alcohol has been a problem and it shouldn't be. It should be something enjoyed responsibly and with good intentions. Fortunately, mine isn't a big drinker, it affects her for days afterwards so she rarely drinks and it's maybe once/twice monthly but I know not to listen to anything she has beforehand. "Can't wait to see you tonight when I get home" "I won't be out too late". At first I would believe this was true and plan my whole evening around her coming back when she said she would but as I got to know her, it was just something she said. It drove a wedge between us when I would try and contact her to see if she was OK but it was deemed by her and her friends that I was checking up on her. I think a courtesy text now and again to let me know she is fine is not too much to ask for.

It got to a point I would dread her going out and it would cause a bit of tension. Towards the end, I stopped caring as much and wouldn't even bother texting her to see how she was. The latest she ever came home was about 3am so I don't have too much to grumble about. It's just when she says she'll back by midnight, I hadn't heard a peep and I was sat up waiting for her.

 

[soulforge]

Alcohol has been a problem and it shouldn't be. It should be something enjoyed responsibly and with good intentions. Fortunately, mine isn't a big drinker, it affects her for days afterwards so she rarely drinks and it's maybe once/twice monthly but I know not to listen to anything she has beforehand. "Can't wait to see you tonight when I get home" "I won't be out too late". At first I would believe this was true and plan my whole evening around her coming back when she said she would but as I got to know her, it was just something she said. It drove a wedge between us when I would try and contact her to see if she was OK but it was deemed by her and her friends that I was checking up on her. I think a courtesy text now and again to let me know she is fine is not too much to ask for.

It got to a point I would dread her going out and it would cause a bit of tension. Towards the end, I stopped caring as much and wouldn't even bother texting her to see how she was. The latest she ever came home was about 3am so I don't have too much to grumble about. It's just when she says she'll back by midnight, I hadn't heard a peep and I was sat up waiting for her.

Yeh that's harsh man, and I understand why you stopped caring.

But I will be honest with you, any girl I take seriously doesn't go out to bars/clubs full stop.

No nights out with the girls.. If she wants to go out for a drink, then I will take her out.

If she wants to party, hit the clubs with her friends, I put her back on the streets.

That's just my standard for a relationship.

 

[Designer Man]

I've broke NC, we text yesterday and today. She has told me how she felt unattractive and undesired and that I didn't love her and it knocked her confidence and she is right because I felt exactly the same and we both pulled away. The intimacy slacked off lately and none of us did anything to make it better or have a proper talk about it. I had no idea how she was feeling as I was putting myself first. I would be in the gym for 2 hours every day and hardly spending time with her. Its only know I can realise how she felt and what she must have been thinking. She thought I had my head turned by someone else. That was not the case, the lack of intimacy made me feel insecure and I felt down over it. It resulted in us breaking down.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

I've broke NC, we text yesterday and today.

Well, hopefully that 'talk' progresses in a healthy relationship.

 

[soulforge]

Woah what is going on in this thread? I thought we were all sticking with not contacting our exes then im reading about guys contacting there exes and alot of you are ok with this??? What happened to our plans guys?

Depends on the breakup and circumstances.

If the breakup was YOUR fault and there is room to fix things, then sticking with NC might be counterproductive.

If you got Dumped and she was toxic or not worth continuing with, then NC is the way forward.

 

[soulforge]

What if she dumped you and she wasnt toxic and shes worth continuing with? Then what?

NC is the only way.. She made a decision and negotiating with her will not work.

Only your absence will motivate her to reach out and have doubts about the decision.

Most girls feel relief at the early stages of the breakup, however after some time and distance, Sometimes months down the line, that's when the regret and second guessing her decision can happen.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Most girls feel relief at the early stages of the breakup, however after some time and distance, Sometimes months down the line, that's when the regret and second guessing her decision can happen.

Especially if you have actually moved on and are now happier than before; and with new women.

 

[Designer Man]

NC is the only way.. She made a decision and negotiating with her will not work.

Only your absence will motivate her to reach out and have doubts about the decision.

Most girls feel relief at the early stages of the breakup, however after some time and distance, Sometimes months down the line, that's when the regret and second guessing her decision can happen.

Just on the highlighted sentence, mine is texting and is apologetic and talking about how much she loves and how we went so wrong. There's no anger aimed towards me, I'm not sure if this is her way of putting things at peace and moving on or if she is opening up about solving our issues.

 

[Designer Man]

Well, hopefully that 'talk' progresses in a healthy relationship.

We have been discussing things openly and taking blame and responsibility. We have opened up about what went wrong and how we felt and things are making more sense. I can see why she felt unloved and unappreciated and it pieces everything together. We didnt allow each other time and space to reset and we just built tension around each other. Whether this means anything I don't know. The problem I have is her relatives. They intervened and got me away from her, they treated me appallingly. How do we get back together after something like that? I love her but I can't forgive her family members for how they behaved.

 

[Dr.Suave]

What if shes worth continuing with?

Is she? I dont think she is

 

[soulforge]

We have been discussing things openly and taking blame and responsibility. We have opened up about what went wrong and how we felt and things are making more sense. I can see why she felt unloved and unappreciated and it pieces everything together. We didnt allow each other time and space to reset and we just built tension around each other. Whether this means anything I don't know. The problem I have is her relatives. They intervened and got me away from her, they treated me appallingly. How do we get back together after something like that? I love her but I can't forgive her family members for how they behaved.

I think those happened to me too, my Exes family convinced her not to fix her relationship with me.

 

[Designer Man]

I think those happened to me too, my Exes family convinced her not to fix her relationship with me.

The same people in her family have all come from dysfunctional relationships, her Mother has been married and divorced three times. She is in no position to give any advice. The behaviour i have seen from them in regards to our relationship shows just how damaged they are. From what I know, they haven't told my ex not to give up, they seem like the kind of people who would rather you came back so they have some form of influence and power over you.

 

[Designer Man]

The only way I win is by not playing the game but it's so difficult.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Could it be that I was fooling myself that I was over her within a week and half?

Yes, of course.

 

[soulforge]

Yesterday and today have been weird. I thought I was fully over my ex then some things started coming to my mind. The first one is if I made a mistake by not taking her call on Halloween. The second one is I wonder if she will ever reach out to me again. The third one is I wonder if she is dating someone new. These thoughts are rushing through my head even though I have been dating a new girl recently. Could it be that I was fooling myself that I was over her within a week and half? I feel very edgy and anxious. I almost feel like reaching out to her but im too much of a mess right now. I was doing so good up until this point. Why am I getting weak all of a sudden?

Your emotions are going to be up and down bro.. just let them go through you.

It's still early days.. Another chick in your roster might help you take your mind a little. Keep talking to other girls.

One day you will look back at all this and laugh.

 

[ItsBeenAWhile]

Today is day 4 of my NC with her. I've been spending the days exploring new hobbies and trying out new stuff, and the evening's spent reading stuff on this forum, catching up with friends/family, and watching movies and some TV. I could barely eat and sleep properly the first few days of the NC and the days before but it seems to be fine now. Saw her in my dreams last night but now I can't even remember what the context was. Can't control it so I'm just letting it pass.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Chick wants to go on a trip we planned next month. I’m having her pay for the accommodations so I won’t get burned

Don't let her choose the accommodations or you might get burned in another way.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

I don’t want to be caught footing the bill if she flakes. I can figure something out if SHTF during the trip

I'm saying, make sure that she foots the bill, but you get to veto if the accommodation isn't to your liking.

 

[ItsBeenAWhile]

Day 5 of NC. The nights always seem to be the relatively hardest parts of the day because that's the only time I'm not preoccupied with something else. Unfortunately I learned of a post she put up through a friend. Happy, smiling, eating out. She's also been posting more frequently than when we were in the relationship. What do you guys think about this? I'm not sure if it had to do with this but had trouble sleeping after a few days of good sleep. Did manage to get some rest though. On to the next day... I'm planning on picking up a few more new hobbies today. I'll keep you guys updated.