The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[BackInTheGame78]

UK

That might be even worse...isn't Squatters Rights still a thing there?

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Nah I’m saying they’ve been crucial at this time

That's good you realize that.

 

[mike465]

That might be even worse...isn't Squatters Rights still a thing there?

Not sure but anyway it’s all done now, this was about 2 and a half weeks ago, still difficult but getting better every day

 

[matt_uk]

Day 1

Just got dumped after she claimed her "insecurities got the better of her, and was worried I'd cheat". Feels strange as her IL has been consistently high throughout the two year relationship.
Disclaimer: she always struggled a bit with being a plate, couldn't get her head around that (very traditional Hindu girl), and I guess that's where the above may stem from... or she just wants to ride the CC/has already cheated. Who knows!

Anyway, I've got a good solid month's worth of work/personal dev/fitness planned so that should cover me off for now. Can't deny it's not sh*t though!

 

[Zontyy]

So things have gotten extremely stable with my baby mama and we entered into a LTR and things are going real well. She can be a bit crazy sometimes but all in all things are great and I see a future with her.

M ex must have stalked my facebook profile because she ended up blocking me and contacted me today to tell me that she wishes me happy life with my future partner and wished me the best. Then goes on to tell me how she hasn't had sex since me and now wants to identify as a male. She doesn't want to transition just to identify as a male and cut he hair short, tells me a few men have tried to get with her but she isn't attracted to men or women and is just dead inside. Then told me she always saw me with a foreign girl like her raising a family and not my current LTR baby mama. Then asked if I was still coming to visit her country which I told her no, apparently she coming back to my area. Told her she couldn't see me because of my relationship and to stay in touch.

Did our breakup **** her up to the point where she wants to be a man, I mean WTH. During our relationship she was very submissive and like to degraded so it confusing to have her tell me she wants to identify as a man.

 

[Barrister]

I hate the fact I have to post here but I suppose I’ve earned it. I wasn’t technically dumped but I have dumper’s remorse and reached out to the ex of a 2.5 year LTR on Monday (broke my 10 day No Contact at that point) and basically made a fool of myself by telling her I missed her and felt like I may have made a mistake. I gave her an ultimatum and told her she needed to tell me within 24 hours if we were going to make the relationship work and give it one last shot (again I had called it off 10 days before) or we just needed to move on. Of course, she didn’t contact me and it stung bad. I’ve now gone through the usual bullsh1t like imagining her out getting pounded by other dudes and feeling hurt she seemingly moved on far easier than me (even though she didn’t want to break up 2 weeks ago).

This is probably the worst I’ve felt following a breakup since the high school sweetheart a long time ago. I posted extensively about all the issues in this relationship here on the site. There were literally about a half dozen reasons the breakup was the right call. I keep reviewing those to remind myself why I made the right call. I definitely mindfu*cked myself by reaching out on Monday. Still, it’s been difficult and the New Year coming has made it more challenging.

Anyway, been in no contact now since Tuesday so this is officially my post to say I am on Day 3 and intend to stay NC now. I also am going to be reaching out to other women to start going on (casual) dates.

 

[bcude]

I hate the fact I have to post here but I suppose I’ve earned it. I wasn’t technically dumped but I have dumper’s remorse and reached out to the ex of a 2.5 year LTR on Monday (broke my 10 day No Contact at that point) and basically made a fool of myself by telling her I missed her and felt like I may have made a mistake. I gave her an ultimatum and told her she needed to tell me within 24 hours if we were going to make the relationship work and give it one last shot (again I had called it off 10 days before) or we just needed to move on. Of course, she didn’t contact me and it stung bad. I’ve now gone through the usual bullsh1t like imagining her out getting pounded by other dudes and feeling hurt she seemingly moved on far easier than me (even though she didn’t want to break up 2 weeks ago).

This is probably the worst I’ve felt following a breakup since the high school sweetheart a long time ago. I posted extensively about all the issues in this relationship here on the site. There were literally about a half dozen reasons the breakup was the right call. I keep reviewing those to remind myself why I made the right call. I definitely mindfu*cked myself by reaching out on Monday. Still, it’s been difficult and the New Year coming has made it more challenging.

Anyway, been in no contact now since Tuesday so this is officially my post to say I am on Day 3 and intend to stay NC now. I also am going to be reaching out to other women to start going on (casual) dates.

Sorry to hear about your breakup and your miserable feeling.

Need more info to why you broke it off but the act of dumping a girl and wanting her back after 10 days telegraphs to her that you don't stand by your decisions which makes you lose points in her eyes. I think you know by now that women need to fall into your frame and want you to take them back and then you have the decision to make, but hey we're just human beings with feelings, you'll learn something from this one too, especially since it hurts so much. I'm not sure what you tried to accomplish with the ultimatum however, that just screams of no empathy and weakness. Emotions will force you to do irrational things.

Relationships that lasted a long time and breaks are fvcking hard, no matter if you're the dumpée or the dumper. Some argue being the dumper is even harder. You just learn how to deal with them easier with every experience because you know there will be light at the end of the tunnel and know how to crawl out.
You've to be absolutely sure about your reaons when you dump her for this reason, no wishy washy. Wanting her back after only 10 days says to me you were either not certain you did the right thing, or you caved in from the emotional mayhem that dumpers experience.
In either case, you'll be better for the future.

 

[Barrister]

Sorry to hear about your breakup and your miserable feeling.

Need more info to why you broke it off but the act of dumping a girl and wanting her back after 10 days telegraphs to her that you don't stand by your decisions which makes you lose points in her eyes. I think you know by now that women need to fall into your frame and want you to take them back and then you have the decision to make, but hey we're just human beings with feelings, you'll learn something from this one too, especially since it hurts so much. I'm not sure what you tried to accomplish with the ultimatum however, that just screams of no empathy and weakness. Emotions will force you to do irrational things.

Relationships that lasted a long time and breaks are fvcking hard, no matter if you're the dumpée or the dumper. Some argue being the dumper is even harder. You just learn how to deal with them easier with every experience because you know there will be light at the end of the tunnel and know how to crawl out.
You've to be absolutely sure about your reaons when you dump her for this reason, no wishy washy. Wanting her back after only 10 days says to me you were either not certain you did the right thing, or you caved in from the emotional mayhem that dumpers experience.
In either case, you'll be better for the future.

Primary reason for me calling it off was that the relationship was going nowhere. We could never agree on what then next step is.

Another major issue, despite me talking to her about it numerous times, was her lack of any interest in having a relationship with my 5 year old daughter. She claims she “tried” but my daughter I could tell didn’t like having her around because my GF could be somewhat cold and ambivalent towards her. Basically if I had my daughter on my “days” my GF generally would not ever be with us unless it was very briefly for a lunch or something. This is fine in LTR in the early stages - but after 2.5 years.

Then - the relationship always came second. She had her own life and literally felt like everything took priority. She would become detached/distant frequently throughout the relationship (this was the source of some of my posts here about it in 2019). If I told her I thought that things weren’t going well and maybe we should move on she always would then put on a full court press for us to stay together - but this got exhausting and the change in behavior would only last about a week at most. This cycle had been going on for probably a good year and I was really tired. We had actually broken up in May and then for back together in June - so this isn’t even the first time

And yes - I know reaching out and saying what I did was incredibly weak and I hate that I did it. I felt guilt I called it off because I miss her companionship. I wasn’t (and even now I’m having trouble) keeping the reason for the breakup in my mind because I know even if we got back together those issues would not go away.

Last - the reason I gave the ultimatum was after we talked Monday she said she “wanted time to think about what I said but wanted to continue the conversation at a later time.” I felt that meant while she goes out and tests the waters with other men I sit around and wait for her to come back. I should have just done the NC right then and there and said “sure.” Like you said I was being emotional though when I gave the ultimatum because I didn’t want to feel like I had no closure because she could reach out at any time.

Anyway, thanks for the kind words. I appreciate it.

Edit: I should add too - I checked her phone earlier the end of the relationship and she had an older guy “friend” that she had been texting religiously each and every day. He supposedly was just a guy who helped her with “making connections” around town. However, he was sending her kissing emojis and telling her she could text him “late at night if she was up and needed someone to talk to.” It was inappropriate and definitely pushed me towards calling it off.

 

[bcude]

Another major issue, despite me talking to her about it numerous times, was her lack of any interest in having a relationship with my 5 year old daughter. She claims she “tried” but my daughter I could tell didn’t like having her around because my GF could be somewhat cold and ambivalent towards her. Basically if I had my daughter on my “days” my GF generally would not ever be with us unless it was very briefly for a lunch or something. This is fine in LTR in the early stages - but after 2.5 years.

I've personal experience on this one, but from the other side. I can tell you it's a red flag. When you decide to enter a LTR with a single parent, you accept the whole package and accept the child fully and whole heartedly from the start, everything else is compromising and settling. I wasn't and at the same time i was somewhat jealous of the attention always going to the child, instead of me, as a partner, to build on our relationship. The child became an obstacle in my mind. Even though it's abit different between the genders, it highlights one issue of being with a single parent - you're never no.1.
But just spending time with children, no matter whose child it is, will increase feelings. In men because of our protective instincts and for women the mother instincts kick in.
2.5 years in and acting like this, it's a huge problem and indicative of medium interest at best.
For me, i started to accept and like the child more and more as time went on just by spending time together, but i never made it 2.5 years.

Then - the relationship always came second. She had her own life and literally felt like everything took priority. She would become detached/distant frequently throughout the relationship (this was the source of some of my posts here about it in 2019). If I told her I thought that things weren’t going well and maybe we should move on she always would then put on a full court press for us to stay together - but this got exhausting and the change in behavior would only last about a week at most. This cycle had been going on for probably a good year and I was really tired. We had actually broken up in May and then for back together in June - so this isn’t even the first time

No genuine desire, feels more like she was settling and didn't want to be alone tbh.

It's only natural to miss someone you've been with for such a long time but trust me, this was for the best. Especially when it comes to your daughter, which is your biggest priority here. There are women out there who will give you what you want and die to get to know your daughter, i promise. As the old maxim goes - only be with high interest women. They will add value to your life.

Regarding the ultimatum; you acted from a place of fear, that's never good but you seem to have identified what happend and how you should have acted.
"sure, take the time you need".. then if she doesn't get back with you in reasonable amount of time, you detach and move on fully (the medium is the message).

 

[matt_uk]

Day 4

I’m back and only on day 4. Me and the ex LTR continued talking over Christmas but it became apparent that she didn’t appreciate me texting a girl friend who used to be a bit more than that (fvck buddy) a long time ago. (Context: we text a couple of times a year max, but the ex LTR hadn’t heard of her until a few weeks ago which I know makes me look shady albeit totally unintentional!)

I took the view that I was doing nothing wrong but understood her mistrust and rationalised it for her briefly but to no avail.

So I’ve deleted her number and this is day 4. It sucks after 2 years to discover trust issues but I don’t begrudge her decision. Going to move forward. She kept dangling the carrot of ‘just give me some time and we’ll see’, but it feels like a dangling carrot and I’m not really up for that. Am I being a total c**k? I don’t know what to think!

 

[Asseater]

Day 4

I’m back and only on day 4. Me and the ex LTR continued talking over Christmas but it became apparent that she didn’t appreciate me texting a girl friend who used to be a bit more than that (fvck buddy) a long time ago. (Context: we text a couple of times a year max, but the ex LTR hadn’t heard of her until a few weeks ago which I know makes me look shady albeit totally unintentional!)

I took the view that I was doing nothing wrong but understood her mistrust and rationalised it for her briefly but to no avail.

So I’ve deleted her number and this is day 4. It sucks after 2 years to discover trust issues but I don’t begrudge her decision. Going to move forward. She kept dangling the carrot of ‘just give me some time and we’ll see’, but it feels like a dangling carrot and I’m not really up for that. Am I being a total c**k? I don’t know what to think!

She wants to go bang other guys and keep you as a backup plan. You shouldn't give a **** if she's dead because you're too busy pulling newer younger girls.

 

[Barrister]

NC - DAY 7

Just posting here for myself more than anything but I suppose if it can help out anyone else then great. I have maintained no contact since making a fool of myself last week. A couple of days ago was really rough. Not because I felt an urge to reach out -- I didn't -- but because my mind kept playing all of the good memories we had together. Even though I knew that this was not an accurate depiction of the relationship as a whole (especially in the final few months which were especially crap), it did not make it any easier.

I am still thinking of her (hence why I am posting this of course), but I have felt a lot better today and last night from a couple of days ago. I also have set up dates with two different women for tomorrow night and Friday night. I am frustrated just from the standpoint that neither of them are as good looking as my ex is, but I suppose better to start dating somewhere. Something is better than nothing.

I also am taking action on a couple of fairly major life things that I had let languish for quite some time. One of these could affect my job but I feel like it is the right decision that I have just been too cautious about in the past. I believe positive life changes are coming and I know this needs to be my focus moving forward.

 

[dude99]

NC - DAY 7



I am frustrated just from the standpoint that neither of them are as good looking as my ex is, but I suppose better to start dating somewhere. Something is better than nothing.

Try to avoid this mentality. It is putting your ex on a pedestal, where she doesn't belong. This will delay your healing.

These girls may not be what you are looking for but your ex is your ex. She deserves no elevation.

Try this mentality next time. "Met two girls. They were nice. But neither of them are what i am looking for so i dont see a future with them. Time to go meet new women."

No need to even bring the ex up. No need to include her in anymore of your thoughts.

 

[Barrister]

Try to avoid this mentality. It is putting your ex on a pedestal, where she doesn't belong. This will delay your healing.

These girls may not be what you are looking for but your ex is your ex. She deserves no elevation.

Try this mentality next time. "Met two girls. They were nice. But neither of them are what i am looking for so i dont see a future with them. Time to go meet new women."

No need to even bring the ex up. No need to include her in anymore of your thoughts.

You’re absolutely right. Easier said than done but I know I need to change that mindset.

 

[matt_uk]

Day 7

I feel worse not better. Why the f**k is that? God I hope this gets easier. I’m talking to a lot of other women but continuing to feel pissed off about how it’s ended and the fact it’s ended. Putting this here so I don’t find a way of messaging her!

 

[bcude]

Day 7

I feel worse not better. Why the f**k is that? God I hope this gets easier. I’m talking to a lot of other women but continuing to feel pissed off about how it’s ended and the fact it’s ended. Putting this here so I don’t find a way of messaging her!

Because 7 days is nothing brother, hang in there. Some days will be easy, others will be incredibly hard. As time passes, it will be easier and easier, one foot in front of the other and soon you'll be able to walk again. I don't believe in jumping into new women immediately after a breakup since you won't be able to be present with them anyway, all of your thoughts will be on her, no matter how hard you try...
Do what works for you. Being so busy with stuff that you don't even have the time to think works like a charm for most, but i prefer to direct my attention towards work/passion/hobbies rather than new women after something serious.

 

[matt_uk]

Because 7 days is nothing brother, hang in there. Some days will be easy, others will be incredibly hard. As time passes, it will be easier and easier, one foot in front of the other and soon you'll be able to walk again. I don't believe in jumping into new women immediately after a breakup since you won't be able to be present with them anyway, all of your thoughts will be on her, no matter how hard you try...
Do what works for you. Being so busy with stuff that you don't even have the time to think works like a charm for most, but i prefer to direct my attention towards work/passion/hobbies rather than new women after something serious.

Cheers man. I’m not putting serious effort in with these women, but just having some fun. Yeah some days feel okay, but a lot of days feel absolutely awful!

 

[mike465]

More than 7 weeks, feeling a lot better, massive respect to this site. Ups and downs but you get there

 

[Barrister]

NC - Day 12

I’ve been trying to stay busy and have been setting a few things in motion in my life that were long overdue. If nothing else this breakup has been good to kind of wake me up in life and realize that I’ve kind of been going through the motions these past 2.5 years.

Last night sucked though - I randomly had a dream about her and woke up in middle of the night thinking about her and then wondered if she was somewhere in bed with another guy. Stupid, destructive thoughts. Today, I drove past her street and there was a small part of me that wanted to stop by and see her (which would have resulted in me making a total fool of myself I know and appearing very weak). I’m doing better right now than I was last night or this morning but thought I should post here since this was the strongest urge I had to break NC since I began.

Both of my scheduled dates last week fell through. One was legitimate and one was a flake. I have to admit though that I feel like I have very little motivation to date right now. Even though I know going out and getting laid would probably make me feel a lot better about things. I’m wondering if these falling through is partly why I’m feeling down again today. I want to WANT to go out date and meet new women. But it’s just not there right now. Do you force yourself to do it or should I take some more time?

The most frustrating part is I KNOW that going back to her even if she agreed would be dumb. The relationship was toxic and that is why I decided to end it. I know those things wouldn’t change if I went back now. Despite that there’s still a part of me that wants to be with her — which is dumb. I hope these feelings go away sooner than later.

Stream of consciousness I know - sorry about the rambling post.

 

[bcude]

I want to WANT to go out date and meet new women. But it’s just not there right now. Do you force yourself to do it or should I take some more time?

Why force something that isn't there at the moment? I believe it's especially important to focus on things that bring you joy fresh after a breakup. You have to care for yourself and do things that you want to do, not because it would be sensible or because this forum thinks it's the way forward. Listen to your inner voice and process the breakup in your own time and learn frorm it for the future, just don't grovel in it.