The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

dude99

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Following up on this so we all can learn hopefully.
I did call her today, exactly 2.5 weeks after she called me (i didn't answer after 4 months NC).... and she says: "oh i called you by mistake and didn't know if it got through or not but i guess it did" (Yeah right lol). I replied i've been travelling (true story), to what she responded but didn't you have your phone with you, implying why it took me such a long time to call back.
Me: of course i had. <- if she called by mistake she wouldn't care if i call back or not and point this out.
Then she says... but it's good to hear your voice. <- more confirmation that she didn't call by mistake. Again, why would she say this if she didn't want anything to do with me since she broke up. No she couldn't wait and is inviting further contact imo.

Then light convo where she asks me about my family and how i'm doing etc etc.
Next funny moment where she asks if i've been to her city, where i reply yes, i ran into her best friend there so i'm sure she knows about it.
She then says "no, so did you meet up with her or what?" (like a date) i'm like wtf no i ran into her by chance at a festival and then she says "oh right i have some vague memory about that" (haha... sure.. your best friend runs into your ex and you have a vague memory about that but you have the best memory when it comes to everything else). I see this as some kind of women language: "so you went to my city without contacting ME? i'm frustrated/dissapointed about this since i'm not first priority to you."
Then back and forth, i got her laughing a few times and it was kinda light and superficial but i wanted to communicate i'm doing this and this now because i got alot of motivation from the breakup to better myself basically (true story [working out a ton is one of them]) and have been moving on with my life and she was like wtf, laughed and didn't seem to understand that a breakup gives you motivation to better yourself but said a few times she's happy i'm doing well (probably not happy). Then i told her i need to go and she was okay, alright and we hung up.
Think i handled it pretty well. Her motive?
I don't know but I guess NC made her hamster spin out of control of curiosity and to see how i'm doing/handling the breakup, if this is "breadcrumbs" i have no clue about either but maybe more experienced posters can tell.
My plan is not to contact her again until i'm in her city and suggest to "catch up" in about 1 month but i'm curious if she will follow this up.
Her motive is bread crumbs. She put her toe in the water to see how you would react. She is looking for validation, seeing if you are still on the hook. She wants to see if she still owns you, And also looking to see if she can stir old feelings and get back in your head.

If you "catch up, or contact her in a month," this will stroke her ego and give her what she is looking for.

If i were you i would just carry on with my life. If you happen to be in her city, call her friend. Meet her friend. Go for coffee with the friend. Ignore the ex. If the ex happens to "accidently" call again treat her with absolute indifference.
 
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Mauser96

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Her motive is bread crumbs. She put her toe in the water to see how you would react. She is looking for validation, seeing if you are still on the hook. She wants to see if she still owns you, And also looking to see if she can stir old feelings and get back in your head.

If you "catch up, or contact her in a month," this will stroke her ego and give her what she is looking for.

If i were you i would just carry on with my life. If you happen to be in her city, call her friend. Meet her friend. Go for coffee with the friend. Ignore the ex. If the ex happens to "accidently" call again treat her with absolute indifference.
:up::up::up:
 

bcude

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Her motive is bread crumbs. She put her toe in the water to see how you would react. She is looking for validation, seeing if you are still on the hook. She wants to see if she still owns you, And also looking to see if she can stir old feelings and get back in your head.

If you "catch up, or contact her in a month," this will stroke her ego and give her what she is looking for.

If i were you i would just carry on with my life. If you happen to be in her city, call her friend. Meet her friend. Go for coffee with the friend. Ignore the ex. If the ex happens to "accidently" call again treat her with absolute indifference.
Sure, but isn't a meetup something we want here? I mean that's where the re-attraction most likely can happen, where she can see you and feel you in a different light etc.? That's what the common advice seem to suggest when exes reach out -> ask to meet up or proceed into NC again = you get what you want.
I don't know what contacting the friend would do other than stir up bad blood.
 

bcude

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I'm also curious. Since women love covert means of communication, rarely overtly express themselves if they don't need to, especially in fear of facing REJECTION and this generally is a high pressure situation with substantial risk of facing rejection from the person they dumped and now know nothing about, it would seem quite logical they in many cases wont just say "i miss you, please come back to me" etc instead hit you up via indirect means, to see your interest level in them so they dont get directly rejected.
So how can you know if it's just an ego thing or her actually trying to sneak her way back in a slow and "safe" way?
 

Mauser96

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Sure, but isn't a meetup something we want here? I mean that's where the re-attraction most likely can happen, where she can see you and feel you in a different light etc.? That's what the common advice seem to suggest when exes reach out -> ask to meet up or proceed into NC again = you get what you want.
I don't know what contacting the friend would do other than stir up bad blood.
She dumped you. She dumped you, remember ? I don't recall if yo ever said why? But if she dumped YOU and is now calling YOU doesn't it make sense she should be the one to chase and earn you back?


As far as contacting the other friend for coffee and ignoring the ex - it would simply be a way to rub her face in the fact you don't care, and are moving on..

Tell me this:

1. Why did she dump you, what were her reasons?
2. Why does she deserve another chance after dumping you?
 
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dude99

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Sure, but isn't a meetup something we want here? I mean that's where the re-attraction most likely can happen, where she can see you and feel you in a different light etc.? That's what the common advice seem to suggest when exes reach out -> ask to meet up or proceed into NC again = you get what you want.
I don't know what contacting the friend would do other than stir up bad blood.
That sound like something you want, and in a pefect world it works that way but this world isn't perfect. this is why i only give women one chance per life time. When they break up with you and they know you will give them a second, third, fifth, chance all you are doing is teaching them to treat you badly.

You would think it would work like that where when you meet up she suddenly gets a new wave of feelings for you and suddenly sees the light, but sadly no it rarely works out like that. Seeing you will validate her. It will put her at ease, knowing you are stuck on her and she can leave you on the shelf and date/see/ride other guys, while you hope for the next bread crumb.

The only thing that will ever make her regret her decision is knowing you have moved on and she can not have you. She has to know she blew it and now she can not have you. The way to do that is to ignore her on every platform, and should your paths cross, indifference
 
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dude99

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I don't know what contacting the friend would do other than stir up bad blood.

It showes the ex that she no longer makes your list of priorities. And this is exactly what.

It shows you have moved on.
 

dude99

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I'm also curious. Since women love covert means of communication, rarely overtly express themselves if they don't need to, especially in fear of facing REJECTION and this generally is a high pressure situation with substantial risk of facing rejection from the person they dumped and now know nothing about, it would seem quite logical they in many cases wont just say "i miss you, please come back to me" etc instead hit you up via indirect means, to see your interest level in them so they dont get directly rejected.
So how can you know if it's just an ego thing or her actually trying to sneak her way back in a slow and "safe" way?
You know by ignoring their attempts. When they like a picture on your social media, that is nothing but bread crumbs.

When they text you 3 times a day saying they miss you, that is them trying to get in your head and mess with your feelings.

When they call and leave 3 messages that is them getting scared because you are not validating their ego like you used to.

When this stops, you know they were only trying to boost their ego and confidence at your expense.

Nothing boosts a chicks ego and confidence like knowing they can still own the guy they tossed aside. Or using and friendzoning the guy that they know cares for them.

If the effort continues, then maybe they are really sorry. But they have to learn their decisions have consequences.


You are not property for her to pick up and put back on the shelf on her whims. Remember she ended the relationship. She is expecting nothing to change. She needs to know, you and your world has changed. Show her it changed for the better.
 

bcude

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She dumped you. She dumped you, remember ? I don't recall if yo ever said why? But if she dumped YOU and is now calling YOU doesn't it make sense she should be the one to chase and earn you back?
Absolutely agree, she has to put in an effort to win us back since she ended things. However, the advice on how to approach this seem to differ here (see post further down).

As far as contacting the other friend for coffee and ignoring the ex - it would simply be a way to rub her face in the fact you don't care, and are moving on..

Tell me this:

1. Why did she dump you, what were her reasons?
2. Why does she deserve another chance after dumping you?
Do you see contacting the friend, (or sister in this case since she actually even told me to stay in touch) as an effective way of potentially getting her back, if you still feel like that after some time apart?
1. Distance, distance, distance not sustainable in the long run, turning small problems into huge ones and she chasing me for a long time with me being quite aloof. She admitted we have never given us a real chance before breaking up when i started to show real interest and her feelings started to fade, her reason for the breakup: timing.
So the reason being external factors (according to the Dating Guy's excellent advice you referred to earlier)
2. Amazing chemistry i find rare and cherish a ton. I've come to realise she is a good woman who would add alot to my life, she would complement me in alot of ways. There are many many amazing women out there but good women are rare and i'm not really ready to give one up where i feel i haven't explored it fully.
 

bcude

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That sound like something you want, and in a pefect world it works that way but this world isn't perfect. this is why i only give women one chance per life time. When they break up with you and they know you will give them a second, third, fifth, chance all you are doing is teaching them to treat you badly.

You would think it would work like that where when you meet up she suddenly gets a new wave of feelings for you and suddenly sees the light, but sadly no it rarely works out like that. Seeing you will validate her. It will put her at ease, knowing you are stuck on her and she can leave you on the shelf and date/see/ride other guys, while you hope for the next bread crumb.

The only thing that will ever make her regret her decision is knowing you have moved on and she can not have you. She has to know she blew it and now she can not have you. The way to do that is to ignore her on every platform, and should your paths cross, indifference
Isn't asking ourselves what WE want and go for what we want the way of the DJ? I mean of course chasing is not an option, but if external reasons have come in between i don't see why we have to stay to 1 chance per lifetime with a woman, although i see all the arguments for it (and agree it's much easier to start over).
If they have to work for you and at the same time realise their mistake it's really not teaching them to treat you badly since you have value in their eyes again, they have had to earn you back and so you will continue to have value as long as you keep the frame, hopefully better this time.

As various sources of advice out there suggest (craig kenneth, the love chat, blackdragonblog) when she finally comes to the conclusion to reach out after NC assume she wants to meet up with you and act accordingly not to waste any time, since we can't possibly know what she wants. Then we have the other side and not doing that and "making her work for your attention by putting in alot of effort", by investing more and more for you to even consider meeting up with her. This is what makes it confusing. I guess each to their own but i'm trying to learn.
 
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Mauser96

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Absolutely agree, she has to put in an effort to win us back since she ended things. However, the advice on how to approach this seem to differ here (see post further down).



Do you see contacting the friend, (or sister in this case since she actually even told me to stay in touch) as an effective way of potentially getting her back, if you still feel like that after some time apart?
1. Distance, distance, distance not sustainable in the long run, turning small problems into huge ones and she chasing me for a long time with me being quite aloof. She admitted we have never given us a real chance before breaking up when i started to show real interest and her feelings started to fade, her reason for the breakup: timing.
So the reason being external factors (according to the Dating Guy's excellent advice you referred to earlier)
2. Amazing chemistry i find rare and cherish a ton. I've come to realise she is a good woman who would add alot to my life, she would complement me in alot of ways. There are many many amazing women out there but good women are rare and i'm not really ready to give one up where i feel i haven't explored it fully.
Well, I am certainly not going to tell you whether to give things a second chance or not. That is 100% your choice.

Watch more Dating Guy vids and The Love Chat vids, it will help you to decide. Good Luck!
 

dude99

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Isn't asking ourselves what WE want and go for what we want the way of the DJ? I mean of course chasing is not an option, but if external reasons have come in between i don't see why we have to stay to 1 chance per lifetime with a woman, although i see all the arguments for it (and agree it's much easier to start over).
If they have to work for you and at the same time realise their mistake it's really not teaching them to treat you badly since you have value in their eyes again, they have had to earn you back and so you will continue to have value as long as you keep the frame, hopefully better this time.

As various sources of advice out there suggest (craig kenneth, the love chat, blackdragonblog) when she finally comes to the conclusion to reach out after NC assume she wants to meet up with you and act accordingly not to waste any time, since we can't possibly know what she wants. Then we have the other side and not doing that and "making her work for your attention by putting in alot of effort", by investing more and more for you to even consider meeting up with her. This is what makes it confusing. I guess each to their own but i'm trying to learn.
Actually it is what do "YOU" want. She ended things. You shouldn't care in the least what she wants.

I see break ups differently than you do obviously, and i put it that way because you seem keen to meet up with her and get with her and give her another chance. She will also know this and read you like a book. Aka you are giving her all the power.

My advice of one chance per life time cuts down on sh!t tests and game playing that most if not all women want to do. If they already know ahead of time that i am NOT there for their entertainment, they will get dumped, how many women will play games then? Zero. But like Mauser said, it is your choice if you choose to meet up with her again or give it another chance. I just see it going badly.

The assumption that she wants to meet up if she reaches out is also just that. an assumption. She is looking for validation. I have seen it a thousand times with coworkers and buddies that have "asked me how to handle the break up," after 2 or 3 weeks of NC and the first " i miss you" text comes in, i have told them " delete ignore " and carry on with your day. The ones who listened healed a lot quicker, moved on and found new rewarding relationships. the ones who didn't found themselves in emotional turmoil while she wanted them back then was confused, then wanted space, then wanted dates at their expense, then wanted to see other guys, then wanted them back only to dump them the next day ........rince repeat.......again and repeat.

Never assume just because they reach out, they want to fix things. That is your male "logical" thinking. That is your male brain making sense. Women do not think with logic. They do not think. They ride their emotions like a roller coaster and go where their emotions take them. Monday they will miss you. Tuesday they want you back. Wednesday they are confused, thursday they sleep with another dude when you think all is well, friday they ljbf you. Saturday you go no contact sunday is quiet then monday they miss you again.

Again, my caveat is this. I am just offering my 2 cents. But experience with 2 cents can be worth gold. I just hate to see a guy guy put through the ringer by a " confused" woman

Let us know how it goes.
 

bcude

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Actually it is what do "YOU" want. She ended things. You shouldn't care in the least what she wants.

I see break ups differently than you do obviously, and i put it that way because you seem keen to meet up with her and get with her and give her another chance. She will also know this and read you like a book. Aka you are giving her all the power.

My advice of one chance per life time cuts down on sh!t tests and game playing that most if not all women want to do. If they already know ahead of time that i am NOT there for their entertainment, they will get dumped, how many women will play games then? Zero. But like Mauser said, it is your choice if you choose to meet up with her again or give it another chance. I just see it going badly.

The assumption that she wants to meet up if she reaches out is also just that. an assumption. She is looking for validation. I have seen it a thousand times with coworkers and buddies that have "asked me how to handle the break up," after 2 or 3 weeks of NC and the first " i miss you" text comes in, i have told them " delete ignore " and carry on with your day. The ones who listened healed a lot quicker, moved on and found new rewarding relationships. the ones who didn't found themselves in emotional turmoil while she wanted them back then was confused, then wanted space, then wanted dates at their expense, then wanted to see other guys, then wanted them back only to dump them the next day ........rince repeat.......again and repeat.

Never assume just because they reach out, they want to fix things. That is your male "logical" thinking. That is your male brain making sense. Women do not think with logic. They do not think. They ride their emotions like a roller coaster and go where their emotions take them. Monday they will miss you. Tuesday they want you back. Wednesday they are confused, thursday they sleep with another dude when you think all is well, friday they ljbf you. Saturday you go no contact sunday is quiet then monday they miss you again.

Again, my caveat is this. I am just offering my 2 cents. But experience with 2 cents can be worth gold. I just hate to see a guy guy put through the ringer by a " confused" woman

Let us know how it goes.
Solid post with lots of experience behind, i appreciate it. Thank you for your time.
I'm not disagreeing with any of it but just to clearify. I'm not set on giving her a second chance or wanting her back blindly as of right now since i don't want to go back to what once was (only forward), but i do want to meet up with her and see how it would feel now, because i see the potential there and then decide what i want to do. This is how i feel, she is maybe and probably just looking for validation as you mentioned, or maybe not. Who knows. Time will tell. I'm however more in the camp of not suggesting anything but letting her earn her way back and i'm a firm believer in irl interaction and feelings that can arise there, it's a game changer. Especially where distance has been a thing and an obstacle.
I would think she feels she's not a priority anymore (anymore is wrong since she didn't feel it in the relationship either which made her frustrated) since i accepted the breakup and walked away. Stayed 100% NC for almost 5 months, during that time i visited her city for over 1 month (which she heard of) where i ignored her and ignored her birthday obviously and waited over 2 weeks to call back when she finally reached out. I would think that sends a message that she hasn't got the power anymore.

I am careful from now on to protect my heart.

So back to NC for now. Ill keep you posted.
 

Nokidsandfixed

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No contact: day one (second time I was dumped) first dumping was almost exactly two months ago.....cyclical....

I'm codependent and worried he'll commit suicide.
His number is blocked.
Mixed emotions but I'm content and feel serene except for the worry.

This thread is helpful.
 

HenBogan

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Day 12

The mornings are where I miss her the most; I am still in the realms of wanting to message her back.

I am already spinning plates, but part of the problem is she is up there with the most attractive gals I have dated.

My bro says “looks aren’t that important man”

My best mate “F**k mate; she is good looking”

I guess this is the male ego!

Can I just add The Rational Male – Dam that book cuts through you like a knife. I will update my other post.
 
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dude99

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No contact: day one (second time I was dumped) first dumping was almost exactly two months ago.....cyclical....

I'm codependent and worried he'll commit suicide.
His number is blocked.
Mixed emotions but I'm content and feel serene except for the worry.

This thread is helpful.
Keep his number blocked, and focus on yourself right now. He ended it. Twice. He is no longer your problem. Get busy focus on hobbies, exercise take care of you.
 

dude99

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Day 12

The mornings are where I miss her the most; I am still in the realms of wanting to message her back.

I am already spinning plates, but part of the problem is she is up there with the most attractive gals I have dated.

My bro says “looks aren’t that important man”

My best mate “F**k mate; she is good looking”

I guess this is the male ego!

Can I just add The Rational Male – Dam that book cuts through you like a knife. I will update my other post.
Dont focus on her looks. Focus on her behaviour. That will help clear your head.

Remember when the lights are out a 10 is the same as a 7.
 

xplt

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Dont focus on her looks. Focus on her behaviour. That will help clear your head.
Hammer that in your brain. It's easy to forget the bad things about her when time passes.

Make a list on your phone or whatever of the BS she put you through and her characteristics that bother you.
Read it when you think about the good times or about her.

But you also don't want to make the mistake of replaying past bad situations over and over, it will keep you stuck.
 

markfromeurope

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Day 11 from being dumped. I don't feel any sadness today, I'm just irritated that I put all eggs into one basket again in spite of getting the lesson way too many times already.

I feel nothing at all. I think that break up with my ex bpd years ago destroyed this part of me that could feel anything right now and that nothing can really hurt me again like that.

It's like A-bomb exploded again but this time in the vacuum of space. I understood this woman didn't really went under my skin. I didn't let her so I could let her go easily if she would have decided to leave me just like she did.

I wasn't in love in spite of saying "I love you" way too many times.

I'm an empty man with a hole in heart. I went on three dates with different women since the break up and felt nothing at all.

It's incredibly weird feeling of loneliness that's like cold air in the late autumn. I welcome it almost thankful that it is again with me.
 

the_cog

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Hello. This is Day 2 for me. The girl I was dating for 3 months, more like talking to because we met online and it was a LDR. Yeah, I know. Either way it still hurts. I got the it's not you it's me, you deserve someone better excuse.
Last night I deleted her off Discord and the online place where we met.

Here is what she wrote me,
"You’re a great guy and I like you and care about you a lot...I really do mean that. But as I reflect I feel there’s part of me that’s feeling I shouldn’t be worrying about relationships at all for a little while. I’m having some mental health struggles, and some that I haven’t told you about yet that makes me feel like I need to just take time and focus on addressing these issues. I feel like I can’t fully commit my heart and mind to any relationship right now and that’s not fair to you and I feel like I’m only able to give a shell of who I really am and you deserve better. There’s also some logistics of the future and how things would work out that make me scared to get too deep in. It’s nothing that you’ve done, you’re amazing. I just feel you deserve someone better and like I can’t really give you what you deserve"

I dodged a bullet. I have work to do with myself to get over the fear of meeting women locally. I need a good swift kick in the ass.
 
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