Marriage and dating issue - need advice.

LARaiders85

Master Don Juan
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#22
I used to think this as well, until I have seen this scenario played out twice now with bad endings.

We like to think that when a woman says to go find sex elsewhere that she really is ok with it.

More often than not they get insecure, but not about the sex. It is about the resources she feels become at risk in the new arrangement.

Inevitably it will get uglier and this is just the first step in that direction.
That makes sense. He should prepare for that.
 
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#23
Thanks, I really appreciate all the input, it feels good knowing there is a community of like minded people interested in helping me.

This much I am sure of (facts):

She has no desire for sex from another guy.
She has no desire for sex-period.
She will not seek another LTR with another man even without sex.
She intentionally keeps herself unflattering to men as to keep sex out of her life. What I mean by unflattering is: cuts her hair short and leaves it gray, wears loose unflattering clothing, carries some extra weight (not terribly bad but it would not take much for here to have a killer bod), and wears no make up.
She is letting herself get old. Sedentary life style, don't like to play.
She believes that I should just take what she is offering (which now is nothing) and be happy.


What I am not sure of (we plan on talking this weekend about this stuff):

Does she value what we have enough to really be OK with this arrangement in an effort to preserve what we have build for 20 years?
Does she really believe that sex and love are 2 separate things?
Does she really love me enough to let me do this because it will make me happy?
Does she have a desire to make me happy?

You see, I have a very high regard for my right as an American to "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness." They are the only God given rights in the Constitution, the others that followed are all in the Bill of rights. My favorite is the "pursuing happiness" part. Our founders thought that much of it as to include it in one of the most influential documents ever written. It changed the coarse of Mankind. We only get one life (at least that's all we're sure of) and I intend on enjoying it. I don't understand how anybody wouldn't. Sex makes me happy, I know it's hard to believe, but it does.

I understand that I do have a lot at stake and the divorce laws are stacked against me. That's one good reason to stay together somehow. Another is the fact that there is a lot that I really am happy with regarding our relationship and what we built together. It's actually very good. I suggested a nuptial agreement that describes our arrangement and that she can not divorce me on the grounds of infidelity. It did throw a curve at her and started second guessing. This weekend my son is away at camp and we are going to discuss the above questions listed and based on those answers I will set my next coarse of action. I have to know for sure if she really is OK with my seeking physically intimate relationships with other women, and if she's not then what? I just spent the last 6 months preparing myself to get back in the game. I was actually getting psyched about getting out there. I checked out several "Dating Coaches" and their web sights. I started flirting and online dating sights, even had a coffee date last week (I totally blew it!). I had to start somewhere and I will certainly do better next time. But at least I am doing it and I'm feeling good about taking action. And so far, enjoying the company, Thanks DJ's.

On aside note - How does one get to be a Master DJ or Senior DJ, or even a DJ?

Best regards,
 

rando5495

Senior Don Juan
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#24
A proper conversation would be the right thing.

Only thing i'd add is to let her know, but steer clear of gory details. Keep other women at a big distance away from your "main" (and in this case, your family), if you do go down that road.

In that sense, it'd probably be similar to plate spinning.

Good luck.
 
Last edited:

AJ84

Master Don Juan
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#25
Thanks, I really appreciate all the input, it feels good knowing there is a community of like minded people interested in helping me.

This much I am sure of (facts):

She has no desire for sex from another guy.
She has no desire for sex-period.
She will not seek another LTR with another man even without sex.
She intentionally keeps herself unflattering to men as to keep sex out of her life. What I mean by unflattering is: cuts her hair short and leaves it gray, wears loose unflattering clothing, carries some extra weight (not terribly bad but it would not take much for here to have a killer bod), and wears no make up.
She is letting herself get old. Sedentary life style, don't like to play.
She believes that I should just take what she is offering (which now is nothing) and be happy.


What I am not sure of (we plan on talking this weekend about this stuff):

Does she value what we have enough to really be OK with this arrangement in an effort to preserve what we have build for 20 years?
Does she really believe that sex and love are 2 separate things?
Does she really love me enough to let me do this because it will make me happy?
Does she have a desire to make me happy?

You see, I have a very high regard for my right as an American to "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness." They are the only God given rights in the Constitution, the others that followed are all in the Bill of rights. My favorite is the "pursuing happiness" part. Our founders thought that much of it as to include it in one of the most influential documents ever written. It changed the coarse of Mankind. We only get one life (at least that's all we're sure of) and I intend on enjoying it. I don't understand how anybody wouldn't. Sex makes me happy, I know it's hard to believe, but it does.

I understand that I do have a lot at stake and the divorce laws are stacked against me. That's one good reason to stay together somehow. Another is the fact that there is a lot that I really am happy with regarding our relationship and what we built together. It's actually very good. I suggested a nuptial agreement that describes our arrangement and that she can not divorce me on the grounds of infidelity. It did throw a curve at her and started second guessing. This weekend my son is away at camp and we are going to discuss the above questions listed and based on those answers I will set my next coarse of action. I have to know for sure if she really is OK with my seeking physically intimate relationships with other women, and if she's not then what? I just spent the last 6 months preparing myself to get back in the game. I was actually getting psyched about getting out there. I checked out several "Dating Coaches" and their web sights. I started flirting and online dating sights, even had a coffee date last week (I totally blew it!). I had to start somewhere and I will certainly do better next time. But at least I am doing it and I'm feeling good about taking action. And so far, enjoying the company, Thanks DJ's.

On aside note - How does one get to be a Master DJ or Senior DJ, or even a DJ?

Best regards,
Master, senior, etc relates to the number of posts you make, quantity not quality lol.

Wow, I’m married too and I can’t imagine just giving up on my looks and not giving a f**k about my husband’s needs to the point where I suggest he just sleep with someone else.
What do you think changed for her to lose interest like that? Or was there always a bit of sexual incompatibility?
In any case, kodos for getting out there and having a coffee date even if it didn’t go as you wanted. We have a much younger member here who has been posting for months on getting a date and despite chatting with girls via text can’t even bring himself to make a simple move toward that direction.
 

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lamath

Master Don Juan
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#26
Thanks, I really appreciate all the input, it feels good knowing there is a community of like minded people interested in helping me.

This much I am sure of (facts):

She has no desire for sex from another guy.
She has no desire for sex-period.
She will not seek another LTR with another man even without sex.
She intentionally keeps herself unflattering to men as to keep sex out of her life. What I mean by unflattering is: cuts her hair short and leaves it gray, wears loose unflattering clothing, carries some extra weight (not terribly bad but it would not take much for here to have a killer bod), and wears no make up.
She is letting herself get old. Sedentary life style, don't like to play.
She believes that I should just take what she is offering (which now is nothing) and be happy.


What I am not sure of (we plan on talking this weekend about this stuff):

Does she value what we have enough to really be OK with this arrangement in an effort to preserve what we have build for 20 years?
Does she really believe that sex and love are 2 separate things?
Does she really love me enough to let me do this because it will make me happy?
Does she have a desire to make me happy?

You see, I have a very high regard for my right as an American to "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness." They are the only God given rights in the Constitution, the others that followed are all in the Bill of rights. My favorite is the "pursuing happiness" part. Our founders thought that much of it as to include it in one of the most influential documents ever written. It changed the coarse of Mankind. We only get one life (at least that's all we're sure of) and I intend on enjoying it. I don't understand how anybody wouldn't. Sex makes me happy, I know it's hard to believe, but it does.

I understand that I do have a lot at stake and the divorce laws are stacked against me. That's one good reason to stay together somehow. Another is the fact that there is a lot that I really am happy with regarding our relationship and what we built together. It's actually very good. I suggested a nuptial agreement that describes our arrangement and that she can not divorce me on the grounds of infidelity. It did throw a curve at her and started second guessing. This weekend my son is away at camp and we are going to discuss the above questions listed and based on those answers I will set my next coarse of action. I have to know for sure if she really is OK with my seeking physically intimate relationships with other women, and if she's not then what? I just spent the last 6 months preparing myself to get back in the game. I was actually getting psyched about getting out there. I checked out several "Dating Coaches" and their web sights. I started flirting and online dating sights, even had a coffee date last week (I totally blew it!). I had to start somewhere and I will certainly do better next time. But at least I am doing it and I'm feeling good about taking action. And so far, enjoying the company, Thanks DJ's.

On aside note - How does one get to be a Master DJ or Senior DJ, or even a DJ?

Best regards,
You have big relationship problem
Have a the talk with her but i think this will end up bad.
If i where you start to find way to protect myself incase of a divorce and im not saying making her signs paper letting you hooking up with other women. Id go see a lawyer, hope for the best but plan for the worst.

The description you made about your wife is making me wonder is she adding value, contributing anything to your lifestyle.
She seems unmotivated, boring and lazy.



I was somehow in a similar situation 12 years with same women
2 young girls, no sex for 1+ year, she let herself go gain 100lb ez , bad mood, bad lifestyle etc.....she was draining all my willpower and drive.

Took me a very long time to finally decide that this was not the way i wanted to live, i was never 100% sure that leaving was the right thing until i left
Now from a more neutral perspective i wonder why i was not seeing all the things that where bad/unfixable with our relationship.
I now see that i let some bad relationship dynamic establish themself and i was taking the ez way out instead of fixing things right away.

Think deeply about your relationship and try to see it from a more neutral point of view.
Maybe things are fixable, but i dont believe that leting you date is going to fix the problem


Gl sir
 

Von

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#27
You have big relationship problem
Have a the talk with her but i think this will end up bad.
If i where you start to find way to protect myself incase of a divorce and im not saying making her signs paper letting you hooking up with other women. Id go see a lawyer, hope for the best but plan for the worst.

The description you made about your wife is making me wonder is she adding value, contributing anything to your lifestyle.
She seems unmotivated, boring and lazy.



I was somehow in a similar situation 12 years with same women
2 young girls, no sex for 1+ year, she let herself go gain 100lb ez , bad mood, bad lifestyle etc.....she was draining all my willpower and drive.

Took me a very long time to finally decide that this was not the way i wanted to live, i was never 100% sure that leaving was the right thing until i left
Now from a more neutral perspective i wonder why i was not seeing all the things that where bad/unfixable with our relationship.
I now see that i let some bad relationship dynamic establish themself and i was taking the ez way out instead of fixing things right away.

Think deeply about your relationship and try to see it from a more neutral point of view.
Maybe things are fixable, but i dont believe that leting you date is going to fix the problem


Gl sir
The OP Girl sounds depressed. Find what made her depressed, solve it, she might get back on track.

It could be a post-menopause etc.. Work? She's blaming herself for something? Maybe she cheated and has a hard time dealing with it? ETc...

What you described reminds me of ME in my previous LTR where I got depressed cause the LTR was bad and work was hard.

A prenup - living together arrangement validated by a lawyer could ''help'' and protect you in the life style choices that will follow... since she ''legally'' agreed to the ''outside dating''
 
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#28
NEVER take a woman's words at face value. They live in the moment of their emotions. She wasnt in the mood for sex on the day she gave you the blessing to find a mistress. Do you really think that a woman who has invested a significant amount of time and energy into a relationship is going to feel NOTHING when you head out to fvck a hotter broad?

The day you head out for sex from someone else is the day that your marriage is going to get difficult
 

lamath

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#29
NEVER take a woman's words at face value. They live in the moment of their emotions. She wasnt in the mood for sex on the day she gave you the blessing to find a mistress. Do you really think that a woman who has invested a significant amount of time and energy into a relationship is going to feel NOTHING when you head out to fvck a hotter broad?

The day you head out for sex from someone else is the day that your marriage is going to get difficult
Wise word
 
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#30
The answer to your question is I do not know how she is going to feel. That is why I am discussing this with her this weekend. She started having second thoughts when I brought up the nuptial agreement idea. I fully understand what lamath and Desdinova's are saying and they are wise words indeed. I really appreciate the advice. The fact is my marriage is somewhat difficult now and I am trying to change that now. I feel good about taking action instead of sitting around moaning about it. George Patton said "A good plan acted upon now is better than a perfect plan later." I am trying to be as careful as I can because there is a lot at stake. What's the saying - "It's cheaper to keeper 'er" ? I have seen it happen more than once. It may be cheaper but I'm not happy. What is the price for that?
 
Read the 22 Rules for Massive Success with Women. Everything you need to know to become a huge success with women. And it's free!

lamath

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#31
Good if you want to fix it.

But imo going to look elswhere is not the anwser, lack of sex is usualy a symptom of more relationship problem
 
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#32
Talk to your lawyer before you will put anything anywhere.

Also, you must understand that going for another women will make her feel betrayed and no amount of rational conversations will change that.

I'd discuss with your lawyer the following possibilities:
a)divorce due to factual end of relationship (no sex)
b)how to get her permission to screw around that could be used as an evidence in case she would fill for divorce

Because, my friend, my uncle was in the same situation as you - he wanted sex, she did not. He didn't want to cheat and always had a temper so she Eveventually provoked him into a serious fight. She holder her arms too tight and pushed her once so she fall on the floor and just after the fight she went to police and after that filled for divorce.

Guess who got his ball chopped off?

Don't trust what she says.

Either act on your needs secretly or act like you are already on divorce-road. Old ladies can be cunning too.
 

Danger

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#33
The answer to your question is I do not know how she is going to feel. That is why I am discussing this with her this weekend. She started having second thoughts when I brought up the nuptial agreement idea. I fully understand what lamath and Desdinova's are saying and they are wise words indeed. I really appreciate the advice. The fact is my marriage is somewhat difficult now and I am trying to change that now. I feel good about taking action instead of sitting around moaning about it. George Patton said "A good plan acted upon now is better than a perfect plan later." I am trying to be as careful as I can because there is a lot at stake. What's the saying - "It's cheaper to keeper 'er" ? I have seen it happen more than once. It may be cheaper but I'm not happy. What is the price for that?
She started having second thoughts regarding the nuptial agreement because that is where your problems will grow as I stated earlier.

At this point you are a sack of money to her.
 

Ranger

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#34
Yes. I’d say go out solo. See if she steps up the looks and make up. You need to up
You’re sex rank and show her young ***** is possible.
Be careful on the cheating idea. Get caught and it’s big $$$
I’m a HUGE suporter of women being under competition anxiety. I think it’s vital to a happy relationship if that is what a man wants.

Women are wired to actually enjoy that shyt. They thrive on it. Men don’t do so well with it. The woman will become more attentive and want more sex from you when she is under competition anxiety. But when a man is under it and tries to do the same thing...it’s needy and feminine. He becomes more attentive. Wants sex. Works harder thinking he is exemplifying proper conduct when in fact...he’s being a girl. It’s the wrong model.

So yes. Put that woman under competition and do it right now. They thrive on that shyt.
 

lamath

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#35
I’m a HUGE suporter of women being under competition anxiety. I think it’s vital to a happy relationship if that is what a man wants.

Women are wired to actually enjoy that shyt. They thrive on it. Men don’t do so well with it. The woman will become more attentive and want more sex from you when she is under competition anxiety. But when a man is under it and tries to do the same thing...it’s needy and feminine. He becomes more attentive. Wants sex. Works harder thinking he is exemplifying proper conduct when in fact...he’s being a girl. It’s the wrong model.

So yes. Put that woman under competition and do it right now. They thrive on that shyt.
I agree that the competition might be good for him.
But i think he got to watch out how far he goes.
 
Read the 22 Rules for Massive Success with Women. Everything you need to know to become a huge success with women. And it's free!

AJ84

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#36
I’m a HUGE suporter of women being under competition anxiety. I think it’s vital to a happy relationship if that is what a man wants.

Women are wired to actually enjoy that shyt. They thrive on it. Men don’t do so well with it. The woman will become more attentive and want more sex from you when she is under competition anxiety. But when a man is under it and tries to do the same thing...it’s needy and feminine. He becomes more attentive. Wants sex. Works harder thinking he is exemplifying proper conduct when in fact...he’s being a girl. It’s the wrong model.

So yes. Put that woman under competition and do it right now. They thrive on that shyt.
Or, she could start dressing better, meet a new guy, divorce her husband and take half his money.
I totally think though what you said works when dating and no one is going to loose half their stuff to the other person and lawyers etc.
 

Ranger

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#37
Or, she could start dressing better, meet a new guy, divorce her husband and take half his money.
I totally think though what you said works when dating and no one is going to loose half their stuff to the other person and lawyers etc.
Being under competition anxiety wouldn’t be about having side girls actually. As long as she knows that others want him and that in itself is the dynamic. We already know an attractive woman will get hit on and has options. She doesn’t really have to do anything. Goody a$$ men will slobber all over the place.
This is about the man. Falling for a woman is ok. Turning into a noodle isn’t. I need to make that distinction.
Men will think they are safe and will fal into that mode. They might as well put their own head in the guillotine. He can NEVER stop being out there and succeeding at whatever it is that drives him.
 

Ranger

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#38
Or, she could start dressing better, meet a new guy, divorce her husband and take half his money.
I totally think though what you said works when dating and no one is going to loose half their stuff to the other person and lawyers etc.
Better to lose half ones stuff than to be in a passionless & sexless marriage with a crony. Of course the truth is...he created that passionless cohabitation. I think that’s the real point on this forum.
 

lamath

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#39
Or, she could start dressing better, meet a new guy, divorce her husband and take half his money.
I totally think though what you said works when dating and no one is going to loose half their stuff to the other person and lawyers etc.
What you are missing here is the fact the has no drive, dont want sex and she is letting herself go.
This is the problem.
She wants the status quo and he is unhappy in a situation like this.


Id seriously start making.plans to leave her in a way that i can keep as much of my stuff as possible.


Id still try to fix things but imo she not interested in changing
 

lamath

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#40
Better to lose half ones stuff than to be in a passionless & sexless marriage with a crony. Of course the truth is...he created that passionless cohabitation. I think that’s the real point on this forum.
Yes i agree on this.
On a long LTR the bigger problem that arise is the one we allowed to grow.
 
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