Marriage and dating issue - need advice.

AJ84

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Look, perhaps offhand was the wrong word but if all it takes for a woman to dry up for a man is for him to say one wrong thing, any man may as well never get into any sort of serious relationship. If I held every stupid thing my wife has said against her, I'd already be divorced. She says something stupid, I try to move on with my life and my day. I say something stupid to her and now it is entered in the holy book of our marriage. Sounds an awful lot to me like most women are children who hold grudges and look for axes to grind in a relationship. If a woman is waiting for me to say something stupid to give some sort of justification for being an arrogant, entitled, self serving child, then don't go anywhere because it won't take long. However, funny thing is, women want a pass when they say something stupid. Seems like a pattern of misbehaving and general bad behavior to me.

Sure, communication can always be better but no one forced her to marry him as well. She wants to leave the kids and money behind, sure, walk but if not, she'd better dam well be a part of fixing the issues they have rather than withdrawing, that's p*ss poor behavior.
I agree she should be part of fixing the issues because stepping out of a marriage to have unmet needs met is a recipe for disaster.

And it’s not that he said the wrong thing, more so what he said specifically. It’s the same as a woman saying something that emasculates her husband. If your wife ever said anything that made you feel less of a man, I’m sure it didn’t make you want to have sex with her.

It’s like taking someone’s femininity or masculinity away. Two things a husband or wife should never do.

But it takes two to ruin a marriage, and she’s not helping the matter but not wanting to try.
 

highSpeed

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I agree she should be part of fixing the issues because stepping out of a marriage to have unmet needs met is a recipe for disaster.

And it’s not that he said the wrong thing, more so what he said specifically. It’s the same as a woman saying something that emasculates her husband. If your wife ever said anything that made you feel less of a man, I’m sure it didn’t make you want to have sex with her.

It’s like taking someone’s femininity or masculinity away. Two things a husband or wife should never do.

But it takes two to ruin a marriage, and she’s not helping the matter but not wanting to try.
Again, afraid I have to call BS. No offense but women are largely entitled. The legal system and western society in general has made them that way. They know who's going to come out on the losing end of a failed marriage way more often than not and it's not the woman. They've been incentivized to not care what happens in the relationship usually. Once kids are in the mix especially, the guy is usually at an extreme disadvantage to the woman. That gives them the upper hand in most cases. This is a recipe for disaster. My wife undermines me to the kids. The kids now call her the boss. She laughs it off and says they don't really mean that but they know who is in charge. That is extremely emasculating to me. However, what's the flipside/upside of me leaving? Alimony? Seeing my kids every weekend if I'm lucky? Losing my home? Child support?

Would I rather find a way to work it out with my wife? Sure I would. Wouldn't I love an in-depth and frequent sex life? Sure I would. If I held every stupid thing my wife has said or done towards me, I'd probably lose my mind. I hold out hope anyway, largely due to the situation I'm in, that things will improve. I'm losing hope fast though.
 

AJ84

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Again, afraid I have to call BS. No offense but women are largely entitled. The legal system and western society in general has made them that way. They know who's going to come out on the losing end of a failed marriage way more often than not and it's not the woman. They've been incentivized to not care what happens in the relationship usually. Once kids are in the mix especially, the guy is usually at an extreme disadvantage to the woman. That gives them the upper hand in most cases. This is a recipe for disaster. My wife undermines me to the kids. The kids now call her the boss. She laughs it off and says they don't really mean that but they know who is in charge. That is extremely emasculating to me. However, what's the flipside/upside of me leaving? Alimony? Seeing my kids every weekend if I'm lucky? Losing my home? Child support?

Would I rather find a way to work it out with my wife? Sure I would. Wouldn't I love an in-depth and frequent sex life? Sure I would. If I held every stupid thing my wife has said or done towards me, I'd probably lose my mind. I hold out hope anyway, largely due to the situation I'm in, that things will improve. I'm losing hope fast though.
Sorry to hear you are going through all of that. I understand, from your perspective, why you have those views.
Hope things work out for you.
 

highSpeed

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Sorry to hear you are going through all of that. I understand, from your perspective, why you have those views.
Hope things work out for you.
I'm not alone by any stretch. Many married guys put up with quite a bit of crappy behavior because their wives have an emotional and financial gun held to their head. You have no choice for the most part but to try to limp along for as long as you can.

It's not my view, it's reality of how many men are treated in serious relationships. For most married men, at least those who have achieved any level of success, it's do or die in relation to their marriage. If for some reason it doesn't work out, no matter whose fault it is, the man is punished.

If most of these women were so desperate to get out of a relationship to their crappy husbands, they'd be willing to leave more on the table. They're not and the state enforces and encourages this bad behavior.

I'm not disagreeing that what he said was stupid but in the course of a relationship, you have to expect that people say things sometimes that are stupid. Because of the situation, the anger or frustration level or whatever else is going on, people say dumb things, horrible things sometimes. If this is all it takes to seriously damage a relationship/marriage, then maybe that marriage should never have happened in the first place. That's part of marriage, forgiveness. If you're not in it to win it, maybe you shouldn't be in it and you should definitely figure that out before you get married.
 

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4evehayoung

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Well there is no earth shattering news following the weekend of talks. She still says it's OK for me to date/find sex. What she is unsure of is what's going to happen if/when I do hook up. The uncertainty that I would leave her or neglect my responsibilities to our family and spend a lot of time elsewhere. Neither of us can predict what is going to happen and there is a certain amount of trust going both ways that each of us are being honest about this experiment. We both are hoping that this will help make our relationship stronger and better. I'm getting what I need and she's not getting hounded all the time to do something she has no interest in doing. Everything else stays the same is what we both are hoping for. We are not at war and seam to both want to keep the other 90% of what's right with our marriage.

The comment about being a dbag is a little short sighted based on the fact that when I married her she had a killer body (7-8) and over the years let herself go. It's like the old bait and switch. I believe she has an obligation to me (and herself) to maintain a healthy body weight. I have no problem encouraging anyone I love that is carrying extra weight to trim down because I care about them. I am a health conscious person (your health is your wealth) and call it selfish that I would prefer the ones that I love live a long healthy life with me. That includes friends, family, employees, etc. There is no secret to loosing weight - you burn more calories than you take in, simple as that. As for the bag over my head, well as long as I can cut holes in it to see.......

So now what? I am back to square one with trying to find the right type of woman that would work for my situation, which is why I came to this forum for advice in the first place. Do you thing there are women out there not getting what they need that would bang a married guy like me just for the fun of it? Thanks again for everyone's input. I appreciate it.
 

LARaiders85

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If I held every stupid thing my wife has said or done towards me, I'd probably lose my mind.
Women don't really seem able to forgive anymore, it's like you have to be the perfect guy to avoid them building resentment while also not being a total cvck and causing boredom.
 

Spaz

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Well there is no earth shattering news following the weekend of talks. She still says it's OK for me to date/find sex. What she is unsure of is what's going to happen if/when I do hook up. The uncertainty that I would leave her or neglect my responsibilities to our family and spend a lot of time elsewhere. Neither of us can predict what is going to happen and there is a certain amount of trust going both ways that each of us are being honest about this experiment. We both are hoping that this will help make our relationship stronger and better. I'm getting what I need and she's not getting hounded all the time to do something she has no interest in doing. Everything else stays the same is what we both are hoping for. We are not at war and seam to both want to keep the other 90% of what's right with our marriage.

The comment about being a dbag is a little short sighted based on the fact that when I married her she had a killer body (7-8) and over the years let herself go. It's like the old bait and switch. I believe she has an obligation to me (and herself) to maintain a healthy body weight. I have no problem encouraging anyone I love that is carrying extra weight to trim down because I care about them. I am a health conscious person (your health is your wealth) and call it selfish that I would prefer the ones that I love live a long healthy life with me. That includes friends, family, employees, etc. There is no secret to loosing weight - you burn more calories than you take in, simple as that. As for the bag over my head, well as long as I can cut holes in it to see.......

So now what? I am back to square one with trying to find the right type of woman that would work for my situation, which is why I came to this forum for advice in the first place. Do you thing there are women out there not getting what they need that would bang a married guy like me just for the fun of it? Thanks again for everyone's input. I appreciate it.
Women in their 40's would be open towards what you seek.

Mingle around professional women, lawyers, accountants, mid level managers that's single/childless.
 

AJ84

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Well there is no earth shattering news following the weekend of talks. She still says it's OK for me to date/find sex. What she is unsure of is what's going to happen if/when I do hook up. The uncertainty that I would leave her or neglect my responsibilities to our family and spend a lot of time elsewhere. Neither of us can predict what is going to happen and there is a certain amount of trust going both ways that each of us are being honest about this experiment. We both are hoping that this will help make our relationship stronger and better. I'm getting what I need and she's not getting hounded all the time to do something she has no interest in doing. Everything else stays the same is what we both are hoping for. We are not at war and seam to both want to keep the other 90% of what's right with our marriage.

The comment about being a dbag is a little short sighted based on the fact that when I married her she had a killer body (7-8) and over the years let herself go. It's like the old bait and switch. I believe she has an obligation to me (and herself) to maintain a healthy body weight. I have no problem encouraging anyone I love that is carrying extra weight to trim down because I care about them. I am a health conscious person (your health is your wealth) and call it selfish that I would prefer the ones that I love live a long healthy life with me. That includes friends, family, employees, etc. There is no secret to loosing weight - you burn more calories than you take in, simple as that. As for the bag over my head, well as long as I can cut holes in it to see.......

So now what? I am back to square one with trying to find the right type of woman that would work for my situation, which is why I came to this forum for advice in the first place. Do you thing there are women out there not getting what they need that would bang a married guy like me just for the fun of it? Thanks again for everyone's input. I appreciate it.
If you are looking specifically for a no strings attached, non complicated no drama hook up I do think your best bet are married women who, like you, just want a little something on the side.

Ashley Madison website. It’s a site specifically for married people looking to hook up with others.

I’m sure there are also some couples with a cuck fetish where the husband likes to watch his wife get rammed by another man.

Good luck.
 

glass half full

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I find it hilarious how women are concerned about such things as when their men look elsewhere, yet they themselves don't ask us or discuss our needs, they just go find someone else, cash us in and divorce. And cuck someone else. Dam, what a concept? I want you guys to think about this...can you say "entitlement"?...

This kinda takes us back to the rules we learn when we first join this site. Don't remember the name of the threads, but some of you will know what I'm talking about. We men, as a whole seem much more caring about our partners in relationships than the "fairer sex"(pun intended)...

It's time we teach them to ante-up to the table and lay the cards out, and us to remind them that we too can trade the "economy model" in for a "sport performance model". Just like a car.
 

AJ84

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I find it hilarious how women are concerned about such things as when their men look elsewhere, yet they themselves don't ask us or discuss our needs, they just go find someone else, cash us in and divorce. And cuck someone else. Dam, what a concept? I want you guys to think about this...can you say "entitlement"?...

This kinda takes us back to the rules we learn when we first join this site. Don't remember the name of the threads, but some of you will know what I'm talking about. We men, as a whole seem much more caring about our partners in relationships than the "fairer sex"(pun intended)...

It's time we teach them to ante-up to the table and lay the cards out, and us to remind them that we too can trade the "economy model" in for a "sport performance model". Just like a car.
His wife doesn’t seem to concerned as she is telling him to go f**k other women. She’s basically saying it’s ok to trade her in for a sports performance model lol. Her, she’s initiating this stuff basically.
 

lamath

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His wife doesn’t seem to concerned as she is telling him to go f**k other women. She’s basically saying it’s ok to trade her in for a sports performance model lol. Her, she’s initiating this stuff basically.
Dont listen to what a women is saying look at what she is doing.

I still believe that once he start hooking up, the permission she gave him will turn into a poisoned gift
 

4evehayoung

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No doubt what GHF said, marriage for men, in the end, is a losing proposition - a no win situation. Just by it's very nature it goes against all biological laws. It's like selling your soul when you say "I do". The wife ends up being the pleasure giver or "dries up" with the slip of the tongue. Talk about abusive!

I do have concerns about the poisoned gift though. I think I may start a relationship with a good divorce lawyer just in case. Can't hurt to have some duck in order.
 

Tenzen

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Op, i’d take this from a different angle.

How much time have you spent away from your wife during the past year or so, when sex started going away?

My perspective on the situation is you see each other far too much and your needs create a situation where shes constantly presured by your presense to please you. You have your own business, why not use that as an excuse to go travel somewhere 2 weeks minimum for “business”, the longer the better. Even if you dont have clients wherever you go book some meetings with potential ones, etc. your kids are old enough to not require both parents watching them. And this way you have plently of time to hit on tail somewhere far from your wife, all the while gives your wife’s hamster wheel to start turning in a good way. She needs to experience what weeks / months feel without you for her to want to change things for the better such as her working out / working on herself. Also you wont have to agree to the trap of her allowing to have sex with another girl. Ideally you get your ego stroked / bang some girls on the trip And/or you come home to your wife begging for sex or the very least she has thought long and hard about what life is like without you, since you werent there, that she will actually try to drop those pounds, and make sex more regular. If a trip doesnt work, i’d get that lawyer ready for the worst case scenario.
 

Bible_Belt

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This much I am sure of (facts):

She has no desire for sex from another guy.
She has no desire for sex-period.
Then post her contact info and let the guys here chat with her. I would lay my money down against the idea that your wife cannot desire sex with anyone just because she does not desire it with you. It may be a fact that she told you that, and not a lie in that she likely believed what she is saying, but that is not the same as being the absolute truth.

Before you abandon ship on this relationship, have you asked yourself, maybe she's bored because you are boring? If your sex life has only been 'insert Tab A into Slot B. Repeat until Solution C appears,' then maybe that is the problem. Do something kinky with her that does not involve her vagina. Then jack off on her face. LTR sex life has to reinvent itself on occasion, or else it will inevitably go stale.
 
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AJ84

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No doubt what GHF said, marriage for men, in the end, is a losing proposition - a no win situation. Just by it's very nature it goes against all biological laws. It's like selling your soul when you say "I do". The wife ends up being the pleasure giver or "dries up" with the slip of the tongue. Talk about abusive!

I do have concerns about the poisoned gift though. I think I may start a relationship with a good divorce lawyer just in case. Can't hurt to have some duck in order.
Good idea. The more I read the more it seems like you want to check out of the marriage anyway.
 

4evehayoung

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I am not sure what gives you the idea that I want to check out. The whole concept behind this thread was to get feedback from the forum on the possibility of me dating and being married working. I was looking to see if anyone else has tried this because I have heard of "open" or "polygamous"marriages getting some traction. My last comment was to just "start" a relationship with a lawyer that knows what I can and cant do with this and be prepared if the poison apple shows up when I hook up. Look, the best case scenario would be this arrangement to work out and we both are happy and no messy divorce where the lawyers get all the money. Even though she gave me the hall pass, I am concerned with the way she said it. Sort of an unsure way but I attribute that to the uncertainty factor I mentioned before. RFK said "Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly". No doubt it's a risk (she's risking that I won't dump her if I find a steady piece of ass and I'm risking she won't turn hostile on me) but if we both think that this arrangement will help save our marriage then why not give it a try? We are assuming here that we are being honest. There is a certain amount of trust required for any LTR to work and we both need to be honest about what we desire the outcome to be. That outcome we agreed is to try to stay together and be happy and prosperous.
 

AJ84

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I am not sure what gives you the idea that I want to check out. The whole concept behind this thread was to get feedback from the forum on the possibility of me dating and being married working. I was looking to see if anyone else has tried this because I have heard of "open" or "polygamous"marriages getting some traction. My last comment was to just "start" a relationship with a lawyer that knows what I can and cant do with this and be prepared if the poison apple shows up when I hook up. Look, the best case scenario would be this arrangement to work out and we both are happy and no messy divorce where the lawyers get all the money. Even though she gave me the hall pass, I am concerned with the way she said it. Sort of an unsure way but I attribute that to the uncertainty factor I mentioned before. RFK said "Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly". No doubt it's a risk (she's risking that I won't dump her if I find a steady piece of ass and I'm risking she won't turn hostile on me) but if we both think that this arrangement will help save our marriage then why not give it a try? We are assuming here that we are being honest. There is a certain amount of trust required for any LTR to work and we both need to be honest about what we desire the outcome to be. That outcome we agreed is to try to stay together and be happy and prosperous.
When you wrote this:

“The fact is my marriage is somewhat difficult now and I am trying to change that now. I feel good about taking action instead of sitting around moaning about it. George Patton said "A good plan acted upon now is better than a perfect plan later." I am trying to be as careful as I can because there is a lot at stake. What's the saying - "It's cheaper to keeper 'er" ? I have seen it happen more than once. It may be cheaper but I'm not happy. What is the price for that?”

The condition for the marriage to continue is you sleeping with other women, based on a void that you have and it’s a real void and a very valid void (no sex). She knows she is being selfish by denying you sex and this is her way of letting you have it. But this decision, based on filling a void risks eroding the marriage.

There is a chance you will find someone and catch feelings because given the context with which this is all going down, you are vulnerable to having that happen.

That’s why is may be better to hook up with women who are married or in LTR and have zero intentions of leaving, or hook up with women already in long established poly relationships. At least that way there’s a better chance that there will be clear boundaries and more of an arrangement.
 

AJ84

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I think if you want to do this and minimize a lot of bad first dates or any emotional issues, you need to approach the demographic of women most likely to be fine with sleeping with a married man, and that’s sugar babies ( young hot women but you have to pay), married women, cuck fetish couples and swingers.

Because think about it, do you think the average woman is 1) going to believe you when you say your wife is letting you sleep with other woman and 2) be ok with that?

Really consider the most likely demographic of women where you will find the most success. What you are looking for is a clear, no strings arrangement. FWB, plates etc are not that, as you can see from over half the posts here on plates and FWBs.

Good luck.
 
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