Marriage and dating issue - need advice.

AJ84

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#41
Better to lose half ones stuff than to be in a passionless & sexless marriage with a crony. Of course the truth is...he created that passionless cohabitation. I think that’s the real point on this forum.
Agreed.
Couples in a marriage should always strive to be the best version of themselves not only for themselves but each other.
I mean if the trade off is monogamy then step up lady lol. This is what I can’t get my head around, instead of trying to meet his needs because he’s her husband she’s passing it off almost like it’s a headache that she would rather not deal with.
Or Maybe they were never sexually compatible and now that the kids are grown she feels that part of the marriage is done. Maybe she just got tired of him for whatever reason. We don’t know and OP is not giving us much of a back story so I’m just speculating of course lol.

But this is like the stuff that happens when married couples stop dating each other and become roles, rather than two people who compliment each other and are connected as a couple, not just as parents living in the same home.

F**k that.
 

AJ84

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#42
What you are missing here is the fact the has no drive, dont want sex and she is letting herself go.
This is the problem.
She wants the status quo and he is unhappy in a situation like this.


Id seriously start making.plans to leave her in a way that i can keep as much of my stuff as possible.


Id still try to fix things but imo she not interested in changing
If she’s not interested in changing I think divorce would be the answer.
 

Ranger

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#45
What you are missing here is the fact the has no drive, dont want sex and she is letting herself go.
This is the problem.
She wants the status quo and he is unhappy in a situation like this.


Id seriously start making.plans to leave her in a way that i can keep as much of my stuff as possible.


Id still try to fix things but imo she not interested in changing
Oh we agree. Completely. I was commenting rhetorically for the sake of the thread.
 

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lamath

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#48
AJ's postings is always to perpetuate the feminine imperative and convince men to adhere towards it.
I like seeing the female opinion and i respect it

However even even with my limited experience using some common sense i feel that some.advice given are realy bad and can make a situation take a turn for the worst.
 
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#51
Good if you want to fix it.

But imo going to look elswhere is not the anwser, lack of sex is usualy a symptom of more relationship problem
I agree about lack of sex is a symptom because for the most part she has provide me with good sex for over 20 years whenever I asked. She always claimed that sex wasn't important to her (never got physical pleasure - orgasms) but was willing to keep me happy. We had regular "date nights" and I would try sometimes for an hour of foreplay and only a handful of times did I ever feel her "quiver" with what I thought could be an orgasm. Something changed in the last year or so and she started "taking away" parts of what I liked most such as I asked her to wear certain types of flattering lingerie to cover up her belly fat (says I should like her as she is), intercourse (says it hurts and was willing to give me head), then started complaining oral sex was taking to long (I liked marathon sessions). That's whenever I started talking about the option of finding sex through someone else (about 6 months ago). So yea, what changed and she started withdrawing that what I needed from her after 23 years of what I would appraise as a pretty good marriage? That's what I am trying to find out this weekend. There is the element of depression since our first child (she's 21 now) which has been a source of continuous friction because of my positive nature and belief that most depression cases are attitude self induced. I certainly do not claim to be an authority on the subject but it seams to me our culture is more than happy to medicate us into solving our problems. In some ways I feel it's a cop out for picking yourself up, kicking yourself in the ass, and get back to the land of the living.
 

AJ84

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#52
I agree about lack of sex is a symptom because for the most part she has provide me with good sex for over 20 years whenever I asked. She always claimed that sex wasn't important to her (never got physical pleasure - orgasms) but was willing to keep me happy. We had regular "date nights" and I would try sometimes for an hour of foreplay and only a handful of times did I ever feel her "quiver" with what I thought could be an orgasm. Something changed in the last year or so and she started "taking away" parts of what I liked most such as I asked her to wear certain types of flattering lingerie to cover up her belly fat (says I should like her as she is), intercourse (says it hurts and was willing to give me head), then started complaining oral sex was taking to long (I liked marathon sessions). That's whenever I started talking about the option of finding sex through someone else (about 6 months ago). So yea, what changed and she started withdrawing that what I needed from her after 23 years of what I would appraise as a pretty good marriage? That's what I am trying to find out this weekend. There is the element of depression since our first child (she's 21 now) which has been a source of continuous friction because of my positive nature and belief that most depression cases are attitude self induced. I certainly do not claim to be an authority on the subject but it seams to me our culture is more than happy to medicate us into solving our problems. In some ways I feel it's a cop out for picking yourself up, kicking yourself in the ass, and get back to the land of the living.
You asked her to wear lingerie to hide her belly fat?
You know what turns women on the most? Being desired and being made to feel sexy by the man in their life. Asking someone to hide what you don’t like about their body in order to have sex with them is the complete opposite of that.
How would you feel if she asked you to put a bag over your head before having sex?

Maybe you think that it would encourage her to lose the belly fat but you said she’s depressed, perhaps this is not how to encourage her to get in better shape I don’t know.

I can see why she may not want to have sex with you after that. But I can also see how she may be vulnerable to jumping into bed with the next guy who shows more desire towards her and makes her feel sexy.
And giving you the green light to find someone who meets your needs is giving her the green light to do the same, guilt free.

Word of advice now that you are out there dating: don’t say insensitive crap like that to anyone if you want to get laid lol.
 

lamath

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#53
You asked her to wear lingerie to hide her belly fat?.
Im not a expert but this might be a factor

i kind of did the same thing with ex ( she had been bugging me why i did not want as much sex as before lasted like 4 month until i told her it was a her weight) and man did the sex frequency drop, i felt bad about it for a long time.
 

highSpeed

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#54
I agree about lack of sex is a symptom because for the most part she has provide me with good sex for over 20 years whenever I asked. She always claimed that sex wasn't important to her (never got physical pleasure - orgasms) but was willing to keep me happy. We had regular "date nights" and I would try sometimes for an hour of foreplay and only a handful of times did I ever feel her "quiver" with what I thought could be an orgasm. Something changed in the last year or so and she started "taking away" parts of what I liked most such as I asked her to wear certain types of flattering lingerie to cover up her belly fat (says I should like her as she is), intercourse (says it hurts and was willing to give me head), then started complaining oral sex was taking to long (I liked marathon sessions). That's whenever I started talking about the option of finding sex through someone else (about 6 months ago). So yea, what changed and she started withdrawing that what I needed from her after 23 years of what I would appraise as a pretty good marriage? That's what I am trying to find out this weekend. There is the element of depression since our first child (she's 21 now) which has been a source of continuous friction because of my positive nature and belief that most depression cases are attitude self induced. I certainly do not claim to be an authority on the subject but it seams to me our culture is more than happy to medicate us into solving our problems. In some ways I feel it's a cop out for picking yourself up, kicking yourself in the ass, and get back to the land of the living.
You asked her to wear lingerie to hide her belly fat?
You know what turns women on the most? Being desired and being made to feel sexy by the man in their life. Asking someone to hide what you don’t like about their body in order to have sex with them is the complete opposite of that.
How would you feel if she asked you to put a bag over your head before having sex?

Maybe you think that it would encourage her to lose the belly fat but you said she’s depressed, perhaps this is not how to encourage her to get in better shape I don’t know.

I can see why she may not want to have sex with you after that. But I can also see how she may be vulnerable to jumping into bed with the next guy who shows more desire towards her and makes her feel sexy.
And giving you the green light to find someone who meets your needs is giving her the green light to do the same, guilt free.

Word of advice now that you are out there dating: don’t say insensitive crap like that to anyone if you want to get laid lol.
Yea, it's a dbag move to say that type of thing to your wife but if that's the worst thing that's happened in their marriage of 20+ years, I think they are doing pretty good. So we're going to pin the lack of sex now on one offhanded, stupid comment? Then she was looking for an excuse anyway. It could have been any other innocuous comment or disagreement over anything that she would use to drop her interest in sex. I used to think this type of stuff was random but I've learned it's not. You don't wake up one day and she's suddenly so upset over one comment that she's not interested in sex at all anymore. So she has no physical desires then? No, this was planned. Perhaps she got it in her head from one of her friends that she could get better on the market. Perhaps some other guy is showing her attention. Perhaps she got this silly idea all on her own (not likely but possible) but this was planned. She's wanting to get out there again and this is her way of forcing him out the door, plain and simple.
 

glass half full

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#55
Everyone has good advice here, take what you think is best and roll with it. I would try two or three of these things and see what feels good for you.
She has obviously checked out. I like the 20 years younger idea...escorts, single soccer moms...might be best to play in the next town, to cause less disruption with your teenager (or gossipy local women..). Quiet bar w/ an interesting bartender lady, bored from a slow night, might get you something going.
 
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AJ84

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#56
Yea, it's a dbag move to say that type of thing to your wife but if that's the worst thing that's happened in their marriage of 20+ years, I think they are doing pretty good. So we're going to pin the lack of sex now on one offhanded, stupid comment? Then she was looking for an excuse anyway. It could have been any other innocuous comment or disagreement over anything that she would use to drop her interest in sex. I used to think this type of stuff was random but I've learned it's not. You don't wake up one day and she's suddenly so upset over one comment that she's not interested in sex at all anymore. So she has no physical desires then? No, this was planned. Perhaps she got it in her head from one of her friends that she could get better on the market. Perhaps some other guy is showing her attention. Perhaps she got this silly idea all on her own (not likely but possible) but this was planned. She's wanting to get out there again and this is her way of forcing him out the door, plain and simple.
This is where men and women differ if guess, because a woman, I can tell you with 100% certainty, would never consider a comment like that off hand, nor would she forget it even if he said it only once.
One negative comment like that is all it takes to dry her up, for him anyway.
But I’m sure there are other things going on like you suggest, and not just this one thing. OP did mention that she took long to orgasm so I’m imagine there is some sexual incompatibility as well, coupled a lack of communication perhaps?
It’s not uncommon for a woman, believed to be frigid in the area of sex, to ‘magically’ awaken ‘down there’ with the right guy bringing the right kind of masculine sexuality that draws it out of her.
This is why when she says she’s done with sex as OP stated in an earlier post, as a woman, I’m calling BS on her because I know that it’s more likely that she just doesn’t want to have sex with him, probably realizes it’s selfish to deny him that (which it is), and is offering him a hall pass.
If they both commiticated better with each other about what was lacking and what they each needed to have a better sex life perhaps it would not have come to this point. Or maybe they have communicated it and this is the point they have come to. That’s sad on her end that she doesn’t seem to want to try but again, she may have her own agenda around that.
 

lamath

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#57
This is where men and women differ if guess, because a woman, I can tell you with 100% certainty, would never consider a comment like that off hand, nor would she forget it even if he said it only once.
One negative comment like that is all it takes to dry her up, for him anyway.
Surprisingly true,happened to me
 

Bible_Belt

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#58
Well, the whole idea of getting my wife's blessing to let someone else "do the dirty work" so to say, is not to cheat. If there is full disclosure on both ends (letting potential dates know I am married) then there is no cheating and no deception. My question is - Are there woman out there that want a "friends with benefits" type of relationship? And benefits part goes both ways go both ways, not just for me. There is a new concept of "open marriage" I discovered (at least new to me). If my wife has no problem separating sex and love and is happy with every other aspect of our relationship and wants to keep it, then it's her way of expressing her love for me by endorsing my petition for sex from another woman. It's almost like a relieve for her that I'm not constantly hounding her for it any more and it makes her happy. I am having a tough time getting back out there and beating the bushes (no pun intended) looking for women that could appreciate and accept a man in an open type marriage.
Don't be surprised if she silently makes the same terms for herself as she is offering to you. Is she no longer interested in sex, or no longer interested in sex with you?
 

highSpeed

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#59
This is where men and women differ if guess, because a woman, I can tell you with 100% certainty, would never consider a comment like that off hand, nor would she forget it even if he said it only once.
One negative comment like that is all it takes to dry her up, for him anyway.
But I’m sure there are other things going on like you suggest, and not just this one thing. OP did mention that she took long to orgasm so I’m imagine there is some sexual incompatibility as well, coupled a lack of communication perhaps?
It’s not uncommon for a woman, believed to be frigid in the area of sex, to ‘magically’ awaken ‘down there’ with the right guy bringing the right kind of masculine sexuality that draws it out of her.
This is why when she says she’s done with sex as OP stated in an earlier post, as a woman, I’m calling BS on her because I know that it’s more likely that she just doesn’t want to have sex with him, probably realizes it’s selfish to deny him that (which it is), and is offering him a hall pass.
If they both commiticated better with each other about what was lacking and what they each needed to have a better sex life perhaps it would not have come to this point. Or maybe they have communicated it and this is the point they have come to. That’s sad on her end that she doesn’t seem to want to try but again, she may have her own agenda around that.
Look, perhaps offhand was the wrong word but if all it takes for a woman to dry up for a man is for him to say one wrong thing, any man may as well never get into any sort of serious relationship. If I held every stupid thing my wife has said against her, I'd already be divorced. She says something stupid, I try to move on with my life and my day. I say something stupid to her and now it is entered in the holy book of our marriage. Sounds an awful lot to me like most women are children who hold grudges and look for axes to grind in a relationship. If a woman is waiting for me to say something stupid to give some sort of justification for being an arrogant, entitled, self serving child, then don't go anywhere because it won't take long. However, funny thing is, women want a pass when they say something stupid. Seems like a pattern of misbehaving and general bad behavior to me.

Sure, communication can always be better but no one forced her to marry him as well. She wants to leave the kids and money behind, sure, walk but if not, she'd better dam well be a part of fixing the issues they have rather than withdrawing, that's p*ss poor behavior.
 

lamath

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#60
Look, perhaps offhand was the wrong word but if all it takes for a woman to dry up for a man is for him to say one wrong thing, any man may as well never get into any sort of serious relationship. If I held every stupid thing my wife has said against her, I'd already be divorced. She says something stupid, I try to move on with my life and my day. I say something stupid to her and now it is entered in the holy book of our marriage. Sounds an awful lot to me like most women are children who hold grudges and look for axes to grind in a relationship. If a woman is waiting for me to say something stupid to give some sort of justification for being an arrogant, entitled, self serving child, then don't go anywhere because it won't take long. However, funny thing is, women want a pass when they say something stupid. Seems like a pattern of misbehaving and general bad behavior to me.

Sure, communication can always be better but no one forced her to marry him as well. She wants to leave the kids and money behind, sure, walk but if not, she'd better dam well be a part of fixing the issues they have rather than withdrawing, that's p*ss poor behavior.
I agree with you
But what you say is true and already an insecurity it hits harder.

Maybe thats not what happenedto me but her excuses
 
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