Charlie Brown (BPD) Experience

Roma

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Advice from the old lady:

Ok. You don’t want to take the obvious advice. Check. My recent ex BF is BPD. I get where you are coming from.

There is a series of Psychology Today articles online that can give you insight. Google “Borderline Provacations I”. Roman numeral 1 or part 1. There are parts 1-7. Read them in sequence. The author is a man & his perspective is interesting.

There are ways to mitigate the crazy making behavior but it requires tremendous self awareness and self control. It does get easier as you learn, but you have to look at yourself to see what of your own pathos is driving the behavior. Something in your psyche is drawn to this dynamic.

Look within & sort out what that is.
Thanks i ll read up on that... Yeah clearly something s wrong with me as well for always getting involved with the same type of women. This one just seems different from the others (more self aware of her condition) which makes me want to keep at it even though it's not the sanest thing to do.
 
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Black Widow Void

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Objectively speaking, most relationships do end. Assuming that this one eventually does, prepare yourself. Due to the dynamics that you've described, you'll end up feeling *very* depleted.

Although I do believe that women are far more illogical and emotional, we men are not exempt from this equation. In fact, when anyone becomes involved in a pattern, it can become a cycle that is difficult to break.

It seriously sounds like she has a lot of attractive qualities but unfortunately one quality that is attracting you (and you, to her) is highly unhealthy. From reading your postings, it sounds like you are very cognitive about the situation. However, awareness and objectivity does not always equate to making healthy decisions.

The sad reality is (and I say this with sincerity) while you both may crave a more cohesive relationship, those dopamine spikes that have occurred have become an addiction. Without these 'highs & lows' the relationship will never seem as interesting and passionate.
 

Roma

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Objectively speaking, most relationships do end. Assuming that this one eventually does, prepare yourself. Due to the dynamics that you've described, you'll end up feeling *very* depleted.

Although I do believe that women are far more illogical and emotional, we men are not exempt from this equation. In fact, when anyone becomes involved in a pattern, it can become a cycle that is difficult to break.

It seriously sounds like she has a lot of attractive qualities but unfortunately one quality that is attracting you (and you, to her) is highly unhealthy. From reading your postings, it sounds like you are very cognitive about the situation. However, awareness and objectivity does not always equate to making healthy decisions.

The sad reality is (and I say this with sincerity) while you both may crave a more cohesive relationship, those dopamine spikes that have occurred have become an addiction. Without these 'highs & lows' the relationship will never seem as interesting and passionate.
This makes a lot of sense, especially the last part. The spikes are addictive to both of us. We get such highs when things are good it needs to balance itself out in a way (breakups) Its already not easy since we both have busy lives and live thousands of miles away from each other. I am trying to prepare for the inevitability that this will end, but every time we meet it seems to restart the whole thing as we get along extremely well (not that its always peachy, we get into arguments but both agree that it just keeps a healthy dynamic when we do).

The worst part of it all is that there is no way of knowing when **** will hit the fan. IT might be in 5 min or in 3 weeks. There is no way of determining any triggers or any particular patterns. It just happens and its extremely annoying. I can deal with mood swings and insecurities and uncertainty but to put everything under a big question mark every two weeks is very draining.

Anyways it feels really good to vent to people who have been through similar experiences and understand where i m coming from.
 

btownbuck2012

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You sound relatively calm for being 6 months into it. Maybe you're able to not let it effect you that badly.

I personally have been totally devastated with both of my cluster b experiences in the aftermath. But I just cannot believe I got sucked in again. They are sooooo good at lowering your defenses even when the red flags are glaring at you in the face.

I guess as long as you're not suicidal or drinking/doing drugs to cope, things are OK. but if she admitted to being BPD why continue to take a chance with her? Especially, after you've been through it before?
 

Roma

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You sound relatively calm for being 6 months into it. Maybe you're able to not let it effect you that badly.

I personally have been totally devastated with both of my cluster b experiences in the aftermath. But I just cannot believe I got sucked in again. They are sooooo good at lowering your defenses even when the red flags are glaring at you in the face.

I guess as long as you're not suicidal or drinking/doing drugs to cope, things are OK. but if she admitted to being BPD why continue to take a chance with her? Especially, after you've been through it before?
Just too attached at this point i think... I dont exactly understand why am i still willing to go through it... I m pretty sure it will end soon as it's taking its toll on both of us and it's not like the dynamic will suddenly change. It sucks though because i still feel like i m failing her in a way. But at some point i cant keep doing this and live in a world of uncertainty (where she seems to thrive). I have done this before, but this "relationship" feels different from the other ones. Anywho i guess we ll see what happens next.. Stay tuned.. lol
 
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Roma

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My main problem besides the whole instability of the situation is her reasoning. I know its hard to understand due to the nature of her mental state but it still doesnt make any sense. She wants to settle down and have a stable relationship, she finds me very attractive and intelligent, we match on our core values, she says that she s in love with me, she misses me, we speak every single day and yet she says she s unsure (admits that partly cause of BPD) about us spending the rest of our lives together and she finds we are wasting our time. Yet every time we break up, we end up making up. To me that sounds absolutely retarded. If you are unsure and what to pursue other things, just do it! But somehow she always comes back around and we do our full circle again until out of the blue she shuts down and says she cant do this... She s not overly attached, she s not clingy and every time things go really well it seems like she just cant handle it and tries to run away from it. She is aware that she self sabotages and admits to it, but i guess its not enough for her to just chill the F*k out.

Anywho i guess there is no point of re hashing and over analyzing everything but i feel like if i can break the code, i can adopt a certain behavior that would prevent her from losing her **** every two weeks. Any ideas?
 

LARaiders85

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My main problem besides the whole instability of the situation is her reasoning. I know its hard to understand due to the nature of her mental state but it still doesnt make any sense. She wants to settle down and have a stable relationship, she finds me very attractive and intelligent, we match on our core values, she says that she s in love with me, she misses me, we speak every single day and yet she says she s unsure (admits that partly cause of BPD) about us spending the rest of our lives together and she finds we are wasting our time. Yet every time we break up, we end up making up. To me that sounds absolutely retarded. If you are unsure and what to pursue other things, just do it! But somehow she always comes back around and we do our full circle again until out of the blue she shuts down and says she cant do this... She s not overly attached, she s not clingy and every time things go really well it seems like she just cant handle it and tries to run away from it. She is aware that she self sabotages and admits to it, but i guess its not enough for her to just chill the F*k out.

Anywho i guess there is no point of re hashing and over analyzing everything but i feel like if i can break the code, i can adopt a certain behavior that would prevent her from losing her **** every two weeks. Any ideas?
How do you feel about her svcking other men's d1cks?
 

Roma

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How do you feel about her svcking other men's d1cks?
Harsh but fair question lol .
I am 100% she s not. She s a serial monogamist and she stayed single for a while cause she s just way too busy with work (roughly 70 hours per week) and doesnt want the hassle. She s also very selective and prefers taking care of her needs on her own rather than some randoms. Also we talk everyday and i know where she is pretty much at all times (not very healthy but at the end of the day we r very far apart n it makes us both feel better)

That would obviously be a deal breaker for me and she s aware of it. We have an agreement that works both ways so if ever one of us wants to do something we just let each other know.. simple courtesy.
 

billtx49

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She wants to settle down and have a stable relationship

she says she s unsure (admits that partly cause of BPD) about us spending the rest of our lives together and she finds we are wasting our time.

To me that sounds absolutely retarded.

but i feel like if i can break the code, i can adopt a certain behavior that would prevent her from losing her **** every two weeks.
She makes all the right noises and plans.

She can’t follow through on them.

No, its called chaos…

And now you’re considering changing your behavior to fit her chaos…

Get away from her.
 

LARaiders85

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We have an agreement that works both ways so if ever one of us wants to do something we just let each other know.. simple courtesy.
And have you tested this agreement? You know BPD's raison d'etre is to betray, right.
 
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Roma

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And have you tested this agreement? You know BPD's raison d'etre is to betray, right.
There is not really a way to test that... i guess the fact that we communicate by video every night and i know her location is the only proof i have. She s been cheated on in every relationship she s ever had so she does understand the pain and i ve tried catching her in lies but so far unsuccessfully and it came back to bite me in the @ss a few times..

I m not saying its impossible but at the end of the day i dont have any evidence (even reasonable doubt) therefore its enough for me. If ever she does, i believe she wouldnt hide it, it would give her the necessary push to just completely sabotage this thing. She s not a hoe, just really lost and desperately trying to navigate the right path.
 

LARaiders85

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Also, the few one night stands she s had before me kind of turned her off from having casual sex.
the way you test it is by telling her you want to sleep with someone else and see what happens.

Your problem is that you believe everything that a pathological liar has told you. it's literally building of the disorder that almost nothing they tell you is the full truth and usually quite the opposite especially in her case the cheating.
 

Roma

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the way you test it is by telling her you want to sleep with someone else and see what happens.

Your problem is that you believe everything that a pathological liar has told you. it's literally building of the disorder that almost nothing they tell you is the full truth and usually quite the opposite especially in her case the cheating.
Well... she was definitely not happy when she found out i was flirting with other girls... not sure if that's representative enough as it might just be possessiveness.
 
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