Advice from the old lady:
If she leaves you she leaves you. You do not want the risk of birth defects. We had Down Syndrome in my family, a distant aunt/uncle. Maternal age of my aunt for that birth? She was 44.
Risk of Down Syndrome and other serious genetic conditions exponentially increases with advancing maternal age. Highest risk? Women whose first term pregnancy is older than 40 years of age. My aunt met this criteria. That cousin was lucky. My aunt & uncle were straight up wealthy and could afford their disabled daughter. Down syndrome children often have congenital heart defects (my cousin did, but my relatives could afford the surgery) and usually cannot drive or live independently. Do you want your kid living with you until you die? My cousin lived to be in her mid sixties and was quite elderly for trisomy 21. A trust fund and trusted church members took care of her after her mother died just short of 100 years of age. My family was very fortunate. Many people in my cousin’s situation would have been institutionalized.
Rather sobering.
Women’s eggs are limited. A 45 year old woman is getting pregnant with 45 year old eggs. Eggs degrade over the years, nevermind whatever environmental toxins also build up in those tissues over time (heavy metals, pesticides, etc). Men make new sperm every week or so.
Amniocentesis is no magic bullet either. Often it will give a false result. Tell you a normal fetus is whack, tell you a whack fetus is normal.
Spontaneous abortion (miscarriage) often happens because the fetus is not viable or has serious defects. Raising even higher the specter of that woman having a child with problems.
I had my third child at age 39. Congenital cataract and blindness in the left eye. We were sweating it for years wondering if my daughter was going to have developmental disabilities because the eyes are at the ends of the second cranial nerves…neurological tissue in origin. We were lucky. She’s very smart & well adjusted.
So yeah. It’s real deal. I recall the doctors coming in to tell me “something is wrong with the baby….” My heart stopped knowing there is Downs in the family. Needless to say we were relieved it was *just* a bum eye.
But it’s not just the physical things. She’s a teen now. What do I worry about? Those conversations that are coming as she grows up about how her disability might affect her reproductive prospects…both from the standpoint of choices (mate selection) and the standpoint of potential to pass on defects.
Those are not going to be easy or simple conversations on a number of fronts. And she’s been raised as a normal, functional young woman for whom we apply the same standards as to the older two kids.
She will be driving age in two years. Teaching her to drive without binocular vision is daunting. Fortunately I can afford things, but even her prosthetic eye is an expense (at 5K + each new one) that many could not afford, and insurance companies will not cover it.
So yeah. Lots to consider in this.