I put myself in an odd situation...

[RangerMIke]

I have no problem with trying but why would I waste more energy when she looks like she doesn't even want to talk?

It really doesn't take a lot of energy to ask her out. Takes less than a minute, and then you will know. I think your best course of action now is to just move on and forget about her.... There is a reason why you haven't taken action, trust your gut.

 

[gh0st_meth0d]

It really doesn't take a lot of energy to ask her out. Takes less than a minute, and then you will know. I think your best course of action now is to just move on and forget about her.... There is a reason why you haven't taken action, trust your gut.

This exactly.
I am trusting my gut on this and right now everything points towards not trying again. If I see her I will only acknowledge her but I won't be the one to initiate a conversation. At this point I am just being nothing more but polite. I saw her this morning, she stood right next to me in rush hour traffic but I didn't talk much other than just greeting her and moving on to my studies.

I said this before: I took my shot and I missed. Like a professional athlete, now I just wait for a better opportunity, but not in front of the same net.

 

[gh0st_meth0d]

Today I got on my train, didn't spot her, but a minute after I boarded, she moved down from the upper level coach and stood right next to me. I just asked her if she saw any open seats up there, she said she didn't look. I immediately went back to my book and started reading, on the way out she was right behind me when she could have just as easily gone the other way. I just said have a great day and went on my way.

She looked nervous standing right next to me though. More so than yesterday morning. The plan remains the same - I will not initiate a conversation, if she wants to talk she can come to me.

 

[gh0st_meth0d]

She was still being friendly last week, but this week there was no sign of her. It's now been 3 weeks since I asked her and I am done with her. If she does come back I won't entertain it she's had her chance. Case closed.

Moral of the story: Never waste time on someone who clearly only likes your attention and nothing else.

 

[gh0st_meth0d]

The moment I decided to mind my own business, she suddenly came back. We walked together in the same direction a couple of times, got to know one another and both of those times she waited for me after she got off the train. By now I no longer have interest in her, and am just being polite but at least now I know what to do if this ever happens again.

At this point I can see she really only likes my attention, so I do not freely give it anymore and the dynamic between us is changed. The few times I sat in the same coach as her I caught her looking my way, I just smiled and went back to reading my book.

 

[Travel memoir21]

The moment I decided to mind my own business, she suddenly came back. We walked together in the same direction a couple of times, got to know one another and both of those times she waited for me after she got off the train. By now I no longer have interest in her, and am just being polite but at least now I know what to do if this ever happens again.

At this point I can see she really only likes my attention, so I do not freely give it anymore and the dynamic between us is changed. The few times I sat in the same coach as her I caught her looking my way, I just smiled and went back to reading my book.

Sounds like you did the right thing and moved on. To be honest, this sounds like some typical chick flick off a movie or something lol. But yeah, brother, moved on, you shot your shot and she showed her true colors.

 

[gh0st_meth0d]

Two days after I asked her out I saw her running away, then a week after that she found me in the train. I was focused on my own intentions at the time, greeted her but didn't pay her any more attention even though she was standing right next to me less than a foot away for over 30 minutes.

A week later she stood next to me, poked me on the shoulder and said good morning, so I just kept the conversation going, she ended up walking with me - coincidentally the exact same way as when I asked her out but I didn't do it again. Same thing next day - again I do not care. Soft no is the same as a flat out no. If she changes her mind then I will need to think about it as well.

 

[Clockwerk50]

Two days after I asked her out I saw her running away, then a week after that she found me in the train. I was focused on my own intentions at the time, greeted her but didn't pay her any more attention even though she was standing right next to me less than a foot away for over 30 minutes.

A week later she stood next to me, poked me on the shoulder and said good morning, so I just kept the conversation going, she ended up walking with me - coincidentally the exact same way as when I asked her out but I didn't do it again. Same thing next day - again I do not care. Soft no is the same as a flat out no. If she changes her mind then I will need to think about it as well.

Not talking in absolutes here, but this is the other side of plate spinning. Just like men use attention to get sex, women can use the possibility of sex to get attention, and this is often how they spin their plates, keeping men engaged and orbiting with just enough closeness or flirtation to maintain interest without offering real progression. Women value attention while men value sex.

You already asked her out. The general consensus is that she is the one that has to ask you out next time to move forward.

 

[gh0st_meth0d]

Not talking in absolutes here, but this is the other side of plate spinning. Just like men use attention to get sex, women can use the possibility of sex to get attention, and this is often how they spin their plates, keeping men engaged and orbiting with just enough closeness or flirtation to maintain interest without offering real progression. Women value attention while men value sex.

You already asked her out. The general consensus is that she is the one that has to ask you out next time to move forward.

Yes - if she wants to spend time with me she has to ask for it. I am not doing this again - once is enough. The fact that she is talking to me is encouraging on its own, but I am not getting too far ahead of myself, not this time. Besides, there have been plenty of times so far where I either stood right next to her, or sat across from her in the same aisle, just reading my book and minding my own business. I've said this before but to me it feels like she is playing games and I have zero time for that.

And I know she works in the financial industry, we discussed our careers once before. Yet I am farther ahead of her in the money game, unlike many people (herself included) I have my money working for me every day. As of yesterday, I made my first $100 on the stock market without day trading - because I work full time otherwise I would try day trading - the way I see it right now is that my life is interesting enough without her in it, and if she can't see what she's missing in me than that is her loss, no skin off my back.

As of three weeks ago, I started a home workout regimen, coupled with a weekly gym session with a good friend of mine on Saturdays. That has been the highlight of my week so far. Plus there are plenty more better looking women at that gym than her, so there is no need for me to wait for her to make up her mind or stop playing games - again as per above I have no time nor the patience for that.

 

[gh0st_meth0d]

Didn't mean to resurrect an ancient post but I want to provide a bit more of a contextual update.

She ended up ghosting me, then using active avoidance whenever she'd spot me. I never chased after her, but on some occasions I would walk past her without saying a word. I just treat her as another commuter now she is no different than everyone else on the train.

The real rason why I resurrected this thread though - I have completed my physical transformation. Fully locked in now. I lost over 40 lbs in last 6 months, and ran my first 10k last saturday completing it with a somewhat respectable time of 62:47. Crossing that finish line was exactly what I needed to completely detach. So in this whole mess that I put myself into - I came out on top of it and became stronger than ever. I still see her daily on the platform but never make an effort to talk to her and she no longer uses active avoidance to dodge me. There are odd times when I'm standing literally right next to her, and rather than just act civil she immediately moves in the opposite direction. She is still uncomfortable but that is not my problem and not something I need to fix for her. She needs to grow out of it.

As for me - I've made a choice. I choose myself. There is only one way to deal with this level of avoidant behaviour, and that is by turning inward.

And for clarification - in the last 2 years alone I've:
a) Quit smoking (2 packs a day ... $900 a month habit - just quit cold turkey tomorrow is the anniversary of that date)
b) Went from being an overweight monstrosity for my height (5'7" 230 lbs) at his worst - during COVID, to a lean - athletic type. I weight 175 now, and am still cutting body fat % as my goal is to reach the state where my abs are clearly defined. At the moment, I can see the outline of my abs without having to flex to achieve this.
c) Quit heavy drinking which lasted for nearly 12 months (since my last breakup in November until literally 3 weeks ago...). I was at a point where drinking 12 tall cans would be a regular occurence. Now I just have an occasional beer and never on my own.

The secondary reason why I revived the thread: as a reminder to myself. A reminder of what I have built through hard work and sacrifice, and the work that still remains ahead of me.

And to add one more thing: the reason I got so fixated on her is because I desperately needed her to choose me - especially after my last breakup. I saw her as the cure...she was never going to be that for me.

TLDR: The loss was always hers, never mine. It just took me forever to arrive at that point. And as far as she is concerned: she simply showed me her true colours.

 

[UK manc]

Didn't mean to resurrect an ancient post but I want to provide a bit more of a contextual update.

She ended up ghosting me, then using active avoidance whenever she'd spot me. I never chased after her, but on some occasions I would walk past her without saying a word. I just treat her as another commuter now she is no different than everyone else on the train.

The real rason why I resurrected this thread though - I have completed my physical transformation. Fully locked in now. I lost over 40 lbs in last 6 months, and ran my first 10k last saturday completing it with a somewhat respectable time of 62:47. Crossing that finish line was exactly what I needed to completely detach. So in this whole mess that I put myself into - I came out on top of it and became stronger than ever. I still see her daily on the platform but never make an effort to talk to her and she no longer uses active avoidance to dodge me. There are odd times when I'm standing literally right next to her, and rather than just act civil she immediately moves in the opposite direction. She is still uncomfortable but that is not my problem and not something I need to fix for her. She needs to grow out of it.

As for me - I've made a choice. I choose myself. There is only one way to deal with this level of avoidant behaviour, and that is by turning inward.

And for clarification - in the last 2 years alone I've:
a) Quit smoking (2 packs a day ... $900 a month habit - just quit cold turkey tomorrow is the anniversary of that date)
b) Went from being an overweight monstrosity for my height (5'7" 230 lbs) at his worst - during COVID, to a lean - athletic type. I weight 175 now, and am still cutting body fat % as my goal is to reach the state where my abs are clearly defined. At the moment, I can see the outline of my abs without having to flex to achieve this.
c) Quit heavy drinking which lasted for nearly 12 months (since my last breakup in November until literally 3 weeks ago...). I was at a point where drinking 12 tall cans would be a regular occurence. Now I just have an occasional beer and never on my own.

The secondary reason why I revived the thread: as a reminder to myself. A reminder of what I have built through hard work and sacrifice, and the work that still remains ahead of me.

And to add one more thing: the reason I got so fixated on her is because I desperately needed her to choose me - especially after my last breakup. I saw her as the cure...she was never going to be that for me.

TLDR: The loss was always hers, never mine. It just took me forever to arrive at that point. And as far as she is concerned: she simply showed me her true colours.

215lbs at 5'7" is a lot bro. Never go back there. (My max was about 240lbs at 6'2" and that was bad. This was also from heavy drinking after having a few quid in my pocket for the first time).

The gain for you is that this story kick-started your weight loss. Another 30lbs or so to go I'd guess at, but the great news is that now every 2-3lbs will start to be much more noticeable.

Getting fitter is not a "sacrifice" either!

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Didn't mean to resurrect an ancient post but I want to provide a bit more of a contextual update.

She ended up ghosting me, then using active avoidance whenever she'd spot me. I never chased after her, but on some occasions I would walk past her without saying a word. I just treat her as another commuter now she is no different than everyone else on the train.

The real rason why I resurrected this thread though - I have completed my physical transformation. Fully locked in now. I lost over 40 lbs in last 6 months, and ran my first 10k last saturday completing it with a somewhat respectable time of 62:47. Crossing that finish line was exactly what I needed to completely detach. So in this whole mess that I put myself into - I came out on top of it and became stronger than ever. I still see her daily on the platform but never make an effort to talk to her and she no longer uses active avoidance to dodge me. There are odd times when I'm standing literally right next to her, and rather than just act civil she immediately moves in the opposite direction. She is still uncomfortable but that is not my problem and not something I need to fix for her. She needs to grow out of it.

As for me - I've made a choice. I choose myself. There is only one way to deal with this level of avoidant behaviour, and that is by turning inward.

And for clarification - in the last 2 years alone I've:
a) Quit smoking (2 packs a day ... $900 a month habit - just quit cold turkey tomorrow is the anniversary of that date)
b) Went from being an overweight monstrosity for my height (5'7" 230 lbs) at his worst - during COVID, to a lean - athletic type. I weight 175 now, and am still cutting body fat % as my goal is to reach the state where my abs are clearly defined. At the moment, I can see the outline of my abs without having to flex to achieve this.
c) Quit heavy drinking which lasted for nearly 12 months (since my last breakup in November until literally 3 weeks ago...). I was at a point where drinking 12 tall cans would be a regular occurence. Now I just have an occasional beer and never on my own.

The secondary reason why I revived the thread: as a reminder to myself. A reminder of what I have built through hard work and sacrifice, and the work that still remains ahead of me.

And to add one more thing: the reason I got so fixated on her is because I desperately needed her to choose me - especially after my last breakup. I saw her as the cure...she was never going to be that for me.

TLDR: The loss was always hers, never mine. It just took me forever to arrive at that point. And as far as she is concerned: she simply showed me her true colours.

You are way too invested for some random woman you never even went on a date with let alone fvcked.

I can't imagine what a thread would look like from you if you got dumped by a woman you were dating for any length of time.