The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[Barrister]

Why force something that isn't there at the moment? I believe it's especially important to focus on things that bring you joy fresh after a breakup. You have to care for yourself and do things that you want to do, not because it would be sensible or because this forum thinks it's the way forward. Listen to your inner voice and process the breakup in your own time and learn frorm it for the future, just don't grovel in it.

Maybe just having another woman would make me stop putting my ex on a pedestal. On other hand, I don’t want to do something that will make me feel empty or worse than I do now. That’s my dilemma. But I appreciate your advice!

 

[bcude]

Maybe just having another woman would make me stop putting my ex on a pedestal. On other hand, I don’t want to do something that will make me feel empty or worse than I do now. That’s my dilemma. But I appreciate your advice!

Since the human mind suffers from something called 'the fading effect' bias, we usually tend to romaticize our past relationships and ignore the negative parts. A good way to combat this would be to sit down with pen and paper and write down the not so good parts, why it didn't work and what ultimately led to the relationships demise. This will force you to see the whole picture and not only the one in your mind where your ex was a queen high on her pedastal. Try it and read it whevener you feel 'weak', it works along with time doing its thing.
There is a point talking to new women, but you don't necessarily have to date them. Just distracting yourself with some females with give you the illusion of abundance and that your ex wasn't the last woman on earth which we tend to believe in the beginning. You will feel when you're ready again, don't worry.

 

[Barrister]

Since the human mind suffers from something called 'the fading effect' bias, we usually tend to romaticize our past relationships and ignore the negative parts. A good way to combat this would be to sit down with pen and paper and write down the not so good parts, why it didn't work and what ultimately led to the relationships demise. This will force you to see the whole picture and not only the one in your mind where your ex was a queen high on her pedastal. Try it and read it whevener you feel 'weak', it works along with time doing its thing.
There is a point talking to new women, but you don't necessarily have to date them. Just distracting yourself with some females with give you the illusion of abundance and that your ex wasn't the last woman on earth which we tend to believe in the beginning. You will feel when you're ready again, don't worry.

I know you're right of course. I actually have already done the writing down all of the negatives of the relationships. And it does help to whip it out and read through all the bullsh1t she did to remind myself why I ended it (twice). I know realistically this is going to be a process for me when we were together 2.5 years. It doesn't happen overnight. Just sucks thinking about how long it may take until I feel 100%.

I think I will try to get some plates now. I honestly think maybe that is what I need to feel better. Thanks as always @bcude

 

[Barrister]

NC - Day 19

This past week was finally a little better for me. I’m still thinking of her off and on but it doesn’t involve the bad feelings quite as much as it did before. Last night a group of us ended up going to a place she and I went almost every week during our relationship - which I could have done without. Definitely made me think of her on an otherwise good night.

I’ve been talking to other women and have a date set up for Tuesday night. Looking forward to it. Each of the past couple of weeks has gotten a little better and I know it will continue to so long as I stay NC. Somewhat worried about her reaching out but I guess I will address that if/when it happens.

 

[matt_uk]

Day 9

We texted a bit for logistics hence only on day 9. Finally had the balls to block her on everything yesterday. Feels like a big weight off my shoulders.

 

[Barrister]

Day 9

We texted a bit for logistics hence only on day 9. Finally had the balls to block her on everything yesterday. Feels like a big weight off my shoulders.

Just curious since I am going through this like you are right now -- I have not blocked my ex on anything. Granted she isn't reaching out and essentially never updates her social media. Did you block her because she was reaching out to you or because you were finding that you couldn't resist the urge to check in on her yourself? I have had some urges myself but I have resisted them and therefore don't see any reason to mess with blocking her completely.

 

[matt_uk]

Just curious since I am going through this like you are right now -- I have not blocked my ex on anything. Granted she isn't reaching out and essentially never updates her social media. Did you block her because she was reaching out to you or because you were finding that you couldn't resist the urge to check in on her yourself? I have had some urges myself but I have resisted them and therefore don't see any reason to mess with blocking her completely.

A bit of couldn’t resist the urge, but a lot of ‘I’m done with it and want her to understand that’. She‘s one that will look for validation due to her insecurities (which she claimed were because of me), and I don’t want to be involved in that.
This is the first break up I’ve had since finding TRP and I’ve found it much easier because I’m looking after my own interests first
Keep up the good work!

 

[Barrister]

A bit of couldn’t resist the urge, but a lot of ‘I’m done with it and want her to understand that’. She‘s one that will look for validation due to her insecurities (which she claimed were because of me), and I don’t want to be involved in that.
This is the first break up I’ve had since finding TRP and I’ve found it much easier because I’m looking after my own interests first
Keep up the good work!

Same - first breakup since red pill and finding this forum. This forum helped quite a bit throughout this LTR that just ended and the old me would probably have stuck it out and kept taking the crap from her until she eventually ended it herself. Which would have been far worse. It’s been a revelation for sure.

I’ll probably sit tight myself with blocking her on FB - but if I get any more urges I may do that. Good luck brother and post if you need some support. This sh1t sucks but we’ll get through it.

 

[Barrister]

NC - Day 30

Today was interesting already for a couple of reasons. First, it obviously is 30 days into NC. Second, today was the first day I ran into her. We both were at courthouse and I was sitting and speaking to one of my clients. She came in the door and looked right at me, we locked eyes for about a second, and she raised her eyebrows and then kept walking away.

I hate to admit it but it definitely felt like a punch to the stomach. I had been doing fairly well these past couple of weeks but seeing her brought back a flood of emotions. Part of me was tempted to try to go and speak to her but I resisted the urge and ended up leaving the courthouse without speaking to her before I could make that mistake. It’s just amazing going from someone being your focus for 2.5 years to now we don’t even speak to each other. It’s sad.

I’m not going to reach out and break NC although this was the closest I had come to breaking it since I started 30 days ago. Need to keep my mind off things and keep pushing forward.

 

[Barrister]

That's a win. You may have felt all those emotions, and you can't control them. But you CAN control your actions and you did. Rest assured, she felt them 100 fold - she's a woman. It will drive her up a wall that she didn't elicit a word out of you...not that that matters (who cares what she's thinking), but it helps keep your own emotions in perspective and give you a sense of the progress you're making.

My goal, besides obviously keeping myself in a positive state and achieving growth, is avoiding giving an ex any material to flame me with down the road. Sure, when emotions are high, she'll be sad/pissed/vengeful. But after a year or two, feelings go away, and I don't need a reputation of someone who started (or continued) unnecessary drama. There's only one girl I couldn't achieve that with, but she was/is a narcissist, possibly BPD and definitely just rotten so I don't care, lol. (And she still stalks me on LinkedIn almost every other week.)

I get what you are saying. I also know that seeing her again is flooding my brain with a bunch of old positive memories that are not accurate of what the relationship had been for a long time at the end. I hate brain chemistry!

My guess is she wasn't expecting to see me there and probably walked away almost in a panic. I am sure she probably expected me to come find her at some point too. I am glad I didn't but still feel off about the whole instance. I knew it was going to happen sooner or later that we would run into each other -- so not sure what I was expecting. Oh well. Onto day 31!

 

[Max Baker]

My first post on this site but a topic that resonates deeply with me. Lived with my ex for 4 years. I'll leave out a lot of details but she finally left my house just over a year and a half ago. She jumped into a new relationship within 2 months of leaving yet still continued to contact me under the guise of friendship. It was hard to cut her off but i was ready to until she called me and told me she had cancer. So i decided to keep in contact to support her as best as i could even though she had a new guy. She appreciated it and she initiated contact 8 times to mine 2. That was the ratio.
But i started to realise every time she called me she was alone. Didn't take me long to figure out it was all behind her partners back. I stopped contacting her and she continued to initiate contact for the next 7 months. She told me she was happy but i got the i miss you text, its never too late for us and etc... The last contact i had from her was for my birthday in October last year. So, I'm pushing towards 4 months of no contact. She is still on my mind, because she proved to be an emotional cheater, immature, hot and cold and overall toxic. There was a lot to decipher. Anyway, I'm getting there. Its hard because despite who she turned out to be, i did care for her. But i had no choice but to walk away.

 

[Romanemp22]

My first post on this site but a topic that resonates deeply with me. Lived with my ex for 4 years. I'll leave out a lot of details but she finally left my house just over a year and a half ago. She jumped into a new relationship within 2 months of leaving yet still continued to contact me under the guise of friendship. It was hard to cut her off but i was ready to until she called me and told me she had cancer. So i decided to keep in contact to support her as best as i could even though she had a new guy. She appreciated it and she initiated contact 8 times to mine 2. That was the ratio.
But i started to realise every time she called me she was alone. Didn't take me long to figure out it was all behind her partners back. I stopped contacting her and she continued to initiate contact for the next 7 months. She told me she was happy but i got the i miss you text, its never too late for us and etc... The last contact i had from her was for my birthday in October last year. So, I'm pushing towards 4 months of no contact. She is still on my mind, because she proved to be an emotional cheater, immature, hot and cold and overall toxic. There was a lot to decipher. Anyway, I'm getting there. Its hard because despite who she turned out to be, i did care for her. But i had no choice but to walk away.

Continue doing NC and eventually you will get over her for good. Block her on everything available so she can't contact you sometime again.

 

[KindredSpiritzz]

I stumbled on this video about Stoicism last night which was kind of interesting philosophy i never heard of before. The art of not caring, of controlling YOUR response to the things & events around you. Guess boiled down its IDGAF attitude which would aptly apply to being dumped.
Stoicism & The Art of Not Caring - YouTube

 

[Max Baker]

I stumbled on this video about Stoicism last night which was kind of interesting philosophy i never heard of before. The art of not caring, of controlling YOUR response to the things & events around you. Guess boiled down its IDGAF attitude which would aptly apply to being dumped.
Stoicism & The Art of Not Caring - YouTube

The art of not caring is a skill that i believe very few master. It's a lot harder said than done. They say you shouldn't allow yourself to get attached either.

 

[dude99]

My first post on this site but a topic that resonates deeply with me. Lived with my ex for 4 years. I'll leave out a lot of details but she finally left my house just over a year and a half ago. She jumped into a new relationship within 2 months of leaving yet still continued to contact me under the guise of friendship. It was hard to cut her off but i was ready to until she called me and told me she had cancer. So i decided to keep in contact to support her as best as i could even though she had a new guy. She appreciated it and she initiated contact 8 times to mine 2. That was the ratio.
But i started to realise every time she called me she was alone. Didn't take me long to figure out it was all behind her partners back. I stopped contacting her and she continued to initiate contact for the next 7 months. She told me she was happy but i got the i miss you text, its never too late for us and etc... The last contact i had from her was for my birthday in October last year. So, I'm pushing towards 4 months of no contact. She is still on my mind, because she proved to be an emotional cheater, immature, hot and cold and overall toxic. There was a lot to decipher. Anyway, I'm getting there. Its hard because despite who she turned out to be, i did care for her. But i had no choice but to walk away.

Sounds like she is the type of entitled chick that feels even though you broke up and you owe her nothing, she still feels entitled to your attention and your validation.

The fact that she has cancer is a shame. I don't wish that on anyone. But she seems to be immature to think she can leave a book mark in her life on you and return to you whenever she feels she wants attention. Even 4 years later. I have an ex that does this from time to time and i never bite. I never validate.

I would remind her she is in a relationship and it "is" too late for you two, remind her she left, and you have moved on and you are seeing other women. It is too late. It was too late 4 years ago, and what she is trying to do to you isnt fair to you or to the guy she is seeing, and that just shows how immature she is

She is using the cancer guilt to make you the bad guy if you don't validate her / or give her the out she is looking for in her current relationship. Remind her her boyfriend should be the one offering her the emotional support she needs at this time. Not you.

I would wish her well and move on and nothing good will come from her

 

[matt_uk]

Day 19

Nearly caved today, but watched some RP vids are told myself I was a ***** and got over it. Feel much more clarity and sense of purpose now though which shows me that moving forward is the right thing to do.

 

[Max Baker]

Sounds like she is the type of entitled chick that feels even though you broke up and you owe her nothing, she still feels entitled to your attention and your validation.

The fact that she has cancer is a shame. I don't wish that on anyone. But she seems to be immature to think she can leave a book mark in her life on you and return to you whenever she feels she wants attention. Even 4 years later. I have an ex that does this from time to time and i never bite. I never validate.

I would remind her she is in a relationship and it "is" too late for you two, remind her she left, and you have moved on and you are seeing other women. It is too late. It was too late 4 years ago, and what she is trying to do to you isnt fair to you or to the guy she is seeing, and that just shows how immature she is

She is using the cancer guilt to make you the bad guy if you don't validate her / or give her the out she is looking for in her current relationship. Remind her her boyfriend should be the one offering her the emotional support she needs at this time. Not you.

I would wish her well and move on and nothing good will come from her

Hey mate thanks for the reply. Appreciate it. You're right it is too late and i am seeing other women. She is very immature, deceitful and disrespectful. Thing is i haven't told her these things. I feel picking up the phone after all this time to tell her is a waste of time. Therefore i decided to silently walk away a long time ago. If she ever contacts me again I'll tell her then.

 

[NSX-R]

She reached out to me 4 months after our last contact back in August . Back then we weren’t as well on talking terms , i reached out to her 3 months after our then last contact because i had some things that was hers and couldn’t use the post to send them thanks to corona lockdown.
Back in December we had normal conversations, she was initiating 99% of the time , she was sending me hearts kisses and for a small moment it felt like we were back to how we used to be .No i wasn’t easy on her or sweet , i was thinking every move that i was doing and i was 99% neutral. One day very late at night i received a long text from her apologising for everything that she did and in that moment i thought she had changed a bit . I responded with “i reform my beliefs about you but i believe it’s better to discuss this further when we meet and not through texts”. She agreed , then we had no contact for like a week . I texted that i was close to where she was(we live far away each of us) and invited her if she wanted to hang out . She said she had to be somewhere else so i didn’t pressed her further, told her she should have some fun there , then after a while she started asking how i was going to be there meaning that she was interested to meet me . I counter offered her to come and stay with me for a few days after she return from where she was and she told me she couldn’t do it because of the lockdown. It felt strange cause how can she have an excuse to be in that other place and not where i was ? Anyway , i said alright we could meet a few days later if you would like to and she was positive.
Few days pass , i was again close to where she was and i texted her if she’d like to meet . She responded again with “ i can’t i have to much work to do” . It pissed me off cause it was a bad excuse (she works in her family business and nowadays she has a lot of free time) and told her “ it would sound better if you were more honest and told me that you don’t want to see me in reality “. She gave me a few cold responses. Then i asked her why she apologised in the first place back then even when we had completely no contact and asked her if she did it because she got rejected from some dude and turned back where she thought she might not be rejected.
Anyway i told her she should stop from contacting me ever again and wished her good luck .

There’s been 10 days since then and she’s been posting nonstop insta stories of her (very unusual) and also a photo that i took last year in a place that we went together .

Anyway i do strongly believe she won’t ever contact me again which means I’ll be able to move on easier and find inner peace finally. This thing has been going on for the last year and after the end of each interaction i always had the feeling that she was going to reach out again . Hopefully not this time . I escaped from a very toxic and bad woman rationally speaking .

 

[Baibars]

She reached out to me 4 months after our last contact back in August . Back then we weren’t as well on talking terms , i reached out to her 3 months after our then last contact because i had some things that was hers and couldn’t use the post to send them thanks to corona lockdown.
Back in December we had normal conversations, she was initiating 99% of the time , she was sending me hearts kisses and for a small moment it felt like we were back to how we used to be .No i wasn’t easy on her or sweet , i was thinking every move that i was doing and i was 99% neutral. One day very late at night i received a long text from her apologising for everything that she did and in that moment i thought she had changed a bit . I responded with “i reform my beliefs about you but i believe it’s better to discuss this further when we meet and not through texts”. She agreed , then we had no contact for like a week . I texted that i was close to where she was(we live far away each of us) and invited her if she wanted to hang out . She said she had to be somewhere else so i didn’t pressed her further, told her she should have some fun there , then after a while she started asking how i was going to be there meaning that she was interested to meet me . I counter offered her to come and stay with me for a few days after she return from where she was and she told me she couldn’t do it because of the lockdown. It felt strange cause how can she have an excuse to be in that other place and not where i was ? Anyway , i said alright we could meet a few days later if you would like to and she was positive.
Few days pass , i was again close to where she was and i texted her if she’d like to meet . She responded again with “ i can’t i have to much work to do” . It pissed me off cause it was a bad excuse (she works in her family business and nowadays she has a lot of free time) and told her “ it would sound better if you were more honest and told me that you don’t want to see me in reality “. She gave me a few cold responses. Then i asked her why she apologised in the first place back then even when we had completely no contact and asked her if she did it because she got rejected from some dude and turned back where she thought she might not be rejected.
Anyway i told her she should stop from contacting me ever again and wished her good luck .

There’s been 10 days since then and she’s been posting nonstop insta stories of her (very unusual) and also a photo that i took last year in a place that we went together .

Anyway i do strongly believe she won’t ever contact me again which means I’ll be able to move on easier and find inner peace finally. This thing has been going on for the last year and after the end of each interaction i always had the feeling that she was going to reach out again . Hopefully not this time . I escaped from a very toxic and bad woman rationally speaking .

Sounds like she breadcrumbed you and just wanted the validation/attention.
Who knows the reason she contacted you but most times it’s not about you, it’s about them being in a ****ty situation. Move on and delete her from your life. She had her chance.

 

[dude99]

Hey mate thanks for the reply. Appreciate it. You're right it is too late and i am seeing other women. She is very immature, deceitful and disrespectful. Thing is i haven't told her these things. I feel picking up the phone after all this time to tell her is a waste of time. Therefore i decided to silently walk away a long time ago. If she ever contacts me again I'll tell her then.

You dont need to tell her she is a selfish immature... you know what. She will see that as you still having feelings and are acting butt hurt.

Best approach if she reaches out is just to have no time for her. Being too busy for her tells her you owe her nothing, not even your time. Nothing. It tells her she isnt even an afterthought in your life and you have moved on.