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Why do I not find my wife attractive?

Serenity

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OP, sorry bro but I think you are missing a trick here. You are seeing an opportunity as a problem and you need to fix that fast.
If i understood you well, you married a religious virgin who had zero sexual experience. Effectively you married a clean slate, a blank untainted canvass. You are failing to realise therefore that you are the artist who needs to mould and shape her into the masterpiece you desire.

Your sexual appetites are aroused by traits common in sexually experienced women, i.e women who have been rammed by a couple of dudes. Instead of viewing your blank canvass as an opportunity to create a customised one-off from the ground up, you’re pining for canvasses already painted over by multiple artists.

With the patience of a primary school teacher, you can slowly coach and develop her into the woman of your dreams. Sometimes we dont get the outcomes we want because we are giving wrong or poorly timed instructions. Sometimes its not what we say, but how we say it.

Think about it. This is a good opportunity to create a true original
This!

My wife was also a virgin when I met her, but unlike OP we had sex one month after first meeting (nobody on this forum would have that patience, lol). She had no clue about sex and hadn't even masturbated, ever! So I had to teach her everything and obviously the sex wasn't amazing or anything fancy at first. She enjoyed it, hard not to enjoy a good orgasm though. Over time I added something new to her, like various positions, different places in the house, mixing up foreplay etc. I remember oral was a bit tricky, she was very hesitant, but I told her to at least try it first and if it's really that bad then we'll never do it again. Well, I'm getting BJ's all the time now.

Today she's the perfect partner in bed for me, she does everything I want and genuinely enjoys it. All through coaching and positive reinforcement.

She too was shy about her body and such to begin with, I too could have said she has issues and called it a day. Instead I showed that I loved her body both through actions and words, guess what, she has no issues with her body when around me. Now she acts confident, sexy and attractive towards me, but this wasn't always so, it's a result of how I responded to her.

I told her many times over a couple of years to let me know if she has any ideas she wants to try out in bed. I also told her to stop asking about sex and instead just put her hands on my d!ck by surprise, because I find that incredibly hot. Both those things have taken a lot of time, I just kept reinforcing that I'd like that a lot (no pressure) and one day she just started doing it.

Point is, it can take a very long time with women who didn't burn their virginity ASAP.
 

TheNewStyle123

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Sorry to hear this man. I started to feel like a roommate with my ex wife (only married 3 years). We rarely had sex. I always wanted to but there was always an excuse (tired, depression, no libido, getting help to try to figure out why she 'just isn't in the mood ever', etc.) TBH it was a major fuucking drag for a 24 year old me to come to the realization. After 3 years I just couldn't take it (throw in her cheating on me too), but my point being - if you're not happy it's OK to get divorced. My mom said this exact quote to me and that was all it took to make me realize that I did not want to compromise MY life or MY happiness anymore for a woman that was not giving me her best effort.

Although I had sex with my ex wife before I married her, we did not live together (religious custom with her family - Catholic; Puerto Rican) so I can empathize with you in a sense that you didn't really know what you were walking in to.

Trust me when I say this: the first steps of making the decision to get divorced and having that conversation with your wife are the toughest. But one year from then you'll be looking back and thanking yourself that you did it.... for YOU.
 

spikeanut

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Sorry to hear this man. I started to feel like a roommate with my ex wife (only married 3 years). We rarely had sex. I always wanted to but there was always an excuse (tired, depression, no libido, getting help to try to figure out why she 'just isn't in the mood ever', etc.) TBH it was a major fuucking drag for a 24 year old me to come to the realization. After 3 years I just couldn't take it (throw in her cheating on me too), but my point being - if you're not happy it's OK to get divorced. My mom said this exact quote to me and that was all it took to make me realize that I did not want to compromise MY life or MY happiness anymore for a woman that was not giving me her best effort.
Sorry NewStyle, but the issue with your case isn't because she had low libido...it was because she had low libido with you. The fact she cheated on you should have been the reason for your divorce, not all the other things you identified. This is not the same as the OP's case of being married 1 year with a virgin wife. His is still salvageable, whereas yours was dead in the water the moment she cheated. All those excuses your ex-wife gave you through the years, indicates to me she was probably cheating then as well. You should be glad to have such a toxic woman out of your life and it should have been a very easy conversation to have once she cheated.
 

RickTheToad

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I don't find my wife sexually attractive. Been married for over a year and have not had sex, not because she didn't want it, but because I did not want to do it with her. There's nothing wrong with the way she looks, but she does not have any confidence in the way she looks (body issues) and I think this is the root of it.
Here are some observations:

Observations of what and possibly why I am attracted to:

  • Strong, but submissive libidos. Or they may be aggressive and sexualized, but the relationship does not last long.
  • Brunettes who appear to be “smarter and healthier” maybe appear more confident and high energy.
  • They have been mostly young, but some are in their 30’s. Most have been brunettes, but some blondes.
  • Young, pretty, and confident, but also submissive in bed.
  • Girls who appear to be high maintenance. Perhaps as a sign of high value, high confidence (respect ~ sex).
  • I look at obtaining women as a symptom of self-improvement, and if I stay with her, then I will not self-improve (?)


Observations of my relationship with her, and possible causes:

  • She is socially awkward and has body image issues, the girls I was with before didn’t have that problem.
  • The relationship makes demands from me that I view as aggressive toward me, such as getting emotionally involved, to slow down, giving into demands that are not a part of my goals. She is emotionally involved because she cares more about me, which I am not used to.
  • She is boring when she talks to me. Probably because she sits at home all day, and has few friends.
  • During attempted sex, she does not feel aroused enough by my actions. Probably because I don’t act in a way that I find her attractive.


Possible root causes:

My libido draws from my core values, but does not match with my expected values, that is, living aggressively. My libido corresponds with my ambitions.



I have to see her as sexualized (confident with her body), submissive in bed, not getting in my way. I expect a woman to be turned on sexually by me being aggressive.
Seems to be you then, not her. Have you gone to a therapist to help figure out what's going on in your own head?
 

TheNewStyle123

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Sorry NewStyle, but the issue with your case isn't because she had low libido...it was because she had low libido with you. The fact she cheated on you should have been the reason for your divorce, not all the other things you identified. This is not the same as the OP's case of being married 1 year with a virgin wife. His is still salvageable, whereas yours was dead in the water the moment she cheated. All those excuses your ex-wife gave you through the years, indicates to me she was probably cheating then as well. You should be glad to have such a toxic woman out of your life and it should have been a very easy conversation to have once she cheated.
Don't be sorry man - you're right! Looking back I know that it wasn't anything except the fact that she just didn't want to fuuck me. And yeah, once I found out it was pretty easy to eject from the marriage hahaha.
 

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DonJuanjr

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It worked out to your advantage. Your peak smv years are ahead of you, and you are not saddled down.
 

mrgoodstuff

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Sorry to hear this man. I started to feel like a roommate with my ex wife (only married 3 years). We rarely had sex. I always wanted to but there was always an excuse (tired, depression, no libido, getting help to try to figure out why she 'just isn't in the mood ever', etc.) TBH it was a major fuucking drag for a 24 year old me to come to the realization. After 3 years I just couldn't take it (throw in her cheating on me too), but my point being - if you're not happy it's OK to get divorced. My mom said this exact quote to me and that was all it took to make me realize that I did not want to compromise MY life or MY happiness anymore for a woman that was not giving me her best effort.

Although I had sex with my ex wife before I married her, we did not live together (religious custom with her family - Catholic; Puerto Rican) so I can empathize with you in a sense that you didn't really know what you were walking in to.

Trust me when I say this: the first steps of making the decision to get divorced and having that conversation with your wife are the toughest. But one year from then you'll be looking back and thanking yourself that you did it.... for YOU.
The no sex part is a big deal. Even a few feminist i know mentioned its bull chit. They don't have to do it, but if they give two chits they can do it even if it wasn't their idea.
 

FuzzX

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You should post a pic of said wife so that we can all weigh in. Perhaps its not you at all. Otherwise your wife sounds just like my wife, from your description it sounds like they have a lot in common.

My wife, when not at work, is in PJs within 30 seconds of arriving home.
Within 2 minutes she is watching Chinese TV.
She can even fall asleep 10 minutes after getting home.
She has no friends except my mom and the cat.
I tell her once in awhile that she's fat, just to keep her on her toes.

Sometimes I think her 14 hour work days might be too much.... then I remember, we get 50% off chicken tendies.
 
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Ricky

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This is interesting.
I'd suggest you not give up, but also be sure not to have kids until you are certain.
She must have had alot of other good qualities.
 

Clamslammer

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I don't find my wife sexually attractive. Been married for over a year and have not had sex, not because she didn't want it, but because I did not want to do it with her. There's nothing wrong with the way she looks, but she does not have any confidence in the way she looks (body issues) and I think this is the root of it.
Here are some observations:

Observations of what and possibly why I am attracted to:

  • Strong, but submissive libidos. Or they may be aggressive and sexualized, but the relationship does not last long.
  • Brunettes who appear to be “smarter and healthier” maybe appear more confident and high energy.
  • They have been mostly young, but some are in their 30’s. Most have been brunettes, but some blondes.
  • Young, pretty, and confident, but also submissive in bed.
  • Girls who appear to be high maintenance. Perhaps as a sign of high value, high confidence (respect ~ sex).
  • I look at obtaining women as a symptom of self-improvement, and if I stay with her, then I will not self-improve (?)


Observations of my relationship with her, and possible causes:

  • She is socially awkward and has body image issues, the girls I was with before didn’t have that problem.
  • The relationship makes demands from me that I view as aggressive toward me, such as getting emotionally involved, to slow down, giving into demands that are not a part of my goals. She is emotionally involved because she cares more about me, which I am not used to.
  • She is boring when she talks to me. Probably because she sits at home all day, and has few friends.
  • During attempted sex, she does not feel aroused enough by my actions. Probably because I don’t act in a way that I find her attractive.


Possible root causes:

My libido draws from my core values, but does not match with my expected values, that is, living aggressively. My libido corresponds with my ambitions.



I have to see her as sexualized (confident with her body), submissive in bed, not getting in my way. I expect a woman to be turned on sexually by me being aggressive.
You never found her sexually attractive from the beginning. You likely settled because it was comfortable just like most people do thus the high divorce rate. Normally this happens to girls thus why they initiate most divorces as they settle because they are about to hit the wall. In your case it is you who settled. It is up to you what you want to do going forward as it is your life. Either get divorced and find someone that blows your mind from a physical and emotional level or just remain in the relationship. The risk you take divorcing is you may not find another person ever hence the initial reason you married her and settled.
 

TheNewStyle123

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The no sex part is a big deal. Even a few feminist i know mentioned its bull chit. They don't have to do it, but if they give two chits they can do it even if it wasn't their idea.
Absolutely agree with this. Withholding sex from your partner is just wrong. I always thought to myself “ok, you don’t want to. Whatever. Can you at least throw me a freaking bone here?” Major red flags to look out for in my next LTR
 

Plinco

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Although I had sex with my ex wife before I married her, we did not live together (religious custom with her family - Catholic; Puerto Rican) so I can empathize with you in a sense that you didn't really know what you were walking in to.
Yes my situation was similar. I made a lot of assumptions of what I was getting myself into based on my past experiences. The problem is, for better or worse, she's not at all like girls that I have been with before, which led to the self reflection that you see in my original post.
 

Plinco

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You never found her sexually attractive from the beginning. You likely settled because it was comfortable just like most people do thus the high divorce rate. Normally this happens to girls thus why they initiate most divorces as they settle because they are about to hit the wall. In your case it is you who settled. It is up to you what you want to do going forward as it is your life. Either get divorced and find someone that blows your mind from a physical and emotional level or just remain in the relationship. The risk you take divorcing is you may not find another person ever hence the initial reason you married her and settled.
It was bad judgment on my part. I'm going to try to salvage the situation and make it work in my favor, if not then I'm afraid divorce is inevitable.
 

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mrgoodstuff

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I don't find my wife sexually attractive. Been married for over a year and have not had sex, not because she didn't want it, but because I did not want to do it with her. There's nothing wrong with the way she looks, but she does not have any confidence in the way she looks (body issues) and I think this is the root of it.
Here are some observations:

Observations of what and possibly why I am attracted to:

  • Strong, but submissive libidos. Or they may be aggressive and sexualized, but the relationship does not last long.
  • Brunettes who appear to be “smarter and healthier” maybe appear more confident and high energy.
  • They have been mostly young, but some are in their 30’s. Most have been brunettes, but some blondes.
  • Young, pretty, and confident, but also submissive in bed.
  • Girls who appear to be high maintenance. Perhaps as a sign of high value, high confidence (respect ~ sex).
  • I look at obtaining women as a symptom of self-improvement, and if I stay with her, then I will not self-improve (?)


Observations of my relationship with her, and possible causes:

  • She is socially awkward and has body image issues, the girls I was with before didn’t have that problem.
  • The relationship makes demands from me that I view as aggressive toward me, such as getting emotionally involved, to slow down, giving into demands that are not a part of my goals. She is emotionally involved because she cares more about me, which I am not used to.
  • She is boring when she talks to me. Probably because she sits at home all day, and has few friends.
  • During attempted sex, she does not feel aroused enough by my actions. Probably because I don’t act in a way that I find her attractive.


Possible root causes:

My libido draws from my core values, but does not match with my expected values, that is, living aggressively. My libido corresponds with my ambitions.



I have to see her as sexualized (confident with her body), submissive in bed, not getting in my way. I expect a woman to be turned on sexually by me being aggressive.
Maybe if you ****ed her correctly a half dozen times it'll ignite her sexualized self and raise her body confidence. What are you feeding her mind? Sometimes we gotta put some work into things.
 

Clamslammer

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Maybe if you ****ed her correctly a half dozen times it'll ignite her sexualized self and raise her body confidence. What are you feeding her mind? Sometimes we gotta put some work into things.
He didn't find her attractive from the get go so no amount of f'ing her is going to do anything. When you are highly attracted to a girl her just sitting by you makes you little guy tingle.

When people say looks don't matter are full of it and just settled. I am a firm believer that you need both attraction and a connection for a long-term successful relationship. You cannot just have one or else you eventually get what OP is feeling.
 

mrgoodstuff

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He didn't find her attractive from the get go so no amount of f'ing her is going to do anything. When you are highly attracted to a girl her just sitting by you makes you little guy tingle.

When people say looks don't matter are full of it and just settled. I am a firm believer that you need both attraction and a connection for a long-term successful relationship. You cannot just have one or else you eventually get what OP is feeling.
She needs to be attractive enough to cause lust
 

Plinco

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So after reading this carefully, I can now summarize the questions to be:

Can she cause enough lust in me to get her started?

Is she going to be open to my advances as an aggressor (is she really a blank slate)?
 
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