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Why do I not find my wife attractive?

Plinco

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I don't find my wife sexually attractive. Been married for over a year and have not had sex, not because she didn't want it, but because I did not want to do it with her. There's nothing wrong with the way she looks, but she does not have any confidence in the way she looks (body issues) and I think this is the root of it.
Here are some observations:

Observations of what and possibly why I am attracted to:

  • Strong, but submissive libidos. Or they may be aggressive and sexualized, but the relationship does not last long.
  • Brunettes who appear to be “smarter and healthier” maybe appear more confident and high energy.
  • They have been mostly young, but some are in their 30’s. Most have been brunettes, but some blondes.
  • Young, pretty, and confident, but also submissive in bed.
  • Girls who appear to be high maintenance. Perhaps as a sign of high value, high confidence (respect ~ sex).
  • I look at obtaining women as a symptom of self-improvement, and if I stay with her, then I will not self-improve (?)


Observations of my relationship with her, and possible causes:

  • She is socially awkward and has body image issues, the girls I was with before didn’t have that problem.
  • The relationship makes demands from me that I view as aggressive toward me, such as getting emotionally involved, to slow down, giving into demands that are not a part of my goals. She is emotionally involved because she cares more about me, which I am not used to.
  • She is boring when she talks to me. Probably because she sits at home all day, and has few friends.
  • During attempted sex, she does not feel aroused enough by my actions. Probably because I don’t act in a way that I find her attractive.


Possible root causes:

My libido draws from my core values, but does not match with my expected values, that is, living aggressively. My libido corresponds with my ambitions.



I have to see her as sexualized (confident with her body), submissive in bed, not getting in my way. I expect a woman to be turned on sexually by me being aggressive.
 
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Modern Man Advice

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I don't find my wife sexually attractive. Been married for over a year and have not had sex, not because she didn't want it, but because I did not want to do it with her. There's nothing wrong with the way she looks, but she does not have any confidence in the way she looks (body issues) and I think this is the root of it.
Here are some observations:

Observations of what and possibly why I am attracted to:

  • Strong, but submissive libidos. Or they may be aggressive and sexualized, but the relationship does not last long.
  • Brunettes who appear to be “smarter and healthier” maybe appear more confident and high energy.
  • They have been mostly young, but some are in their 30’s. Most have been brunettes, but some blondes.
  • Young, pretty, and confident, but also submissive in bed.
  • Girls who appear to be high maintenance. Perhaps as a sign of high value, high confidence (respect ~ sex).
  • I look at obtaining women as a symptom of self-improvement, and if I stay with her, then I will not self-improve (?)


Observations of my relationship with Lara, and possible causes:

  • She is socially awkward and has body image issues, the girls I was with before didn’t have that problem.
  • The relationship makes demands from me that I view as aggressive toward me, such as getting emotionally involved, to slow down, giving into demands that are not a part of my goals. She is emotionally involved because she cares more about me, which I am not used to.
  • She is boring when she talks to me. Probably because she sits at home all day, and has few friends.
  • During attempted sex, she does not feel aroused enough by my actions. Probably because I don’t act in a way that I find her attractive.


Possible root causes:

My libido draws from my core values, but does not match with my expected values, that is, living aggressively. My libido corresponds with my ambitions.



I have to see her as sexualized (confident with her body), submissive in bed, not getting in my way. I expect a woman to be turned on sexually by me being aggressive.
You have two options:

1) Seek professional help if you think your marriage and Lara are worth fighting for. And be patient with dealing with what might come up or the end result.
2) Don't waste your time nor hers and move on. Life is full of amazing experiences waiting for you to live a miserable or unfulfilling life. Brak away and go seize those moments.

Modern Man Advice
 

Plinco

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You have two options:

1) Seek professional help if you think your marriage and Lara are worth fighting for. And be patient with dealing with what might come up or the end result.
2) Don't waste your time nor hers and move on. Life is full of amazing experiences waiting for you to live a miserable or unfulfilling life. Brak away and go seize those moments.

Modern Man Advice
Those are my conclusions as well. The counseling didn't do jack and I found that doing things myself to be more effective. I'm trying to save the marriage, and I'm hoping that someone can make an observation that I missed.
 

TheCharmingGuy

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Don’t feel bad about drifting away from her if you don’t find her attractive anymore. If you were truly compatible, you would find her attractive anyway. The lack of physical attraction may be the first sign of your boredom with the relationship. I’ve been in relationships with a wide variety of types of looking girls, and I never found them at all physically attractive after the breakup.
 

Modern Man Advice

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Those are my conclusions as well. The counseling didn't do jack and I found that doing things myself to be more effective. I'm trying to save the marriage, and I'm hoping that someone can make an observation that I missed.
It's good that you are open to outside observations, speaks volumes of your mindset. Having said that sounds like your lack of sexual desire comes from a mental state. But you already know that. However, the point we are trying to make is that is a deep issue and it seems to stem from your wife's own personal issues. For as much as you try to work on it, it would be highly dependent on her own work with herself. We are not saying it's all on her, surely, there are things on your end that contribute to the state you both are in, but your lack of sexual desire comes from how view her based on inner traits that she developed probably before she met you.

She would need to:

1) Be aware of her own situation and 'issues'
2) Be willing and agree to change them for her OWN good
3) Actually put in the work to improve for HER sake
4) Realize that you letting her know this is an issue comes from a place of wanting to fight for it.

And again, that last one, if you are not if it's not really in you, then it is simply a waste of your time and her time. Also, realize marriages are unrealistic and most fail. At the end of the day, whatever happens, this should be an exciting experience for you in the sense that you'll (hopefully) come out of it a better man. And that is life, go through enough things to make you a better human being. If you are not, you are not living life.

Modern Man Advice
 

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Plinco

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The problem was, that the physical attraction wasn't there to begin with. She is compatible in terms of our personalities, but not in a sexual way. If I could find her attractive physically, that would be great, otherwise she is more of a maid in my house.
 

Plinco

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It's good that you are open to outside observations, speaks volumes of your mindset. Having said that sounds like your lack of sexual desire comes from a mental state. But you already know that. However, the point we are trying to make is that is a deep issue and it seems to stem from your wife's own personal issues. For as much as you try to work on it, it would be highly dependent on her own work with herself. We are not saying it's all on her, surely, there are things on your end that contribute to the state you both are in, but your lack of sexual desire comes from how view her based on inner traits that she developed probably before she met you.

She would need to:

1) Be aware of her own situation and 'issues'
2) Be willing and agree to change them for her OWN good
3) Actually put in the work to improve for HER sake
4) Realize that you letting her know this is an issue comes from a place of wanting to fight for it.

And again, that last one, if you are not if it's not really in you, then it is simply a waste of your time and her time. Also, realize marriages are unrealistic and most fail. At the end of the day, whatever happens, this should be an exciting experience for you in the sense that you'll (hopefully) come out of it a better man. And that is life, go through enough things to make you a better human being. If you are not, you are not living life.

Modern Man Advice
agreed.
 

jimwho

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(How can this happen?) Was it an arranged marriage? You have been here for well over ten years, been married "one" have not been attracted to her for a year at least. Just humor me please, with all due respect, you married a woman you were not attracted to? The honeymoon had to have been awkward. At best..
 

LARaiders85

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The problem was, that the physical attraction wasn't there to begin with. She is compatible in terms of our personalities, but not in a sexual way. If I could find her attractive physically, that would be great, otherwise she is more of a maid in my house.
arranged marriage?
 

jimwho

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arranged marriage?
Some cultures, Indian/Japanese/Chinese, still arrange marriages for their youngsters. My comment was satire, I just can't fathom how the OP had this happen. Marrying a woman your not into (he see's her as the maid) just seems, well hell I don't know?
 

LARaiders85

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Some cultures, Indian/Japanese/Chinese, still arrange marriages for their youngsters. My comment was satire, I just can't fathom how the OP had this happen. Marrying a woman your not into (he see's her as the maid) just seems, well hell I don't know?
I think it really was an arranged marriage honestly.
 

Plinco

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I have the opposite problem of some; chose too much with my brain and not enough from the other decision maker.
 

Plinco

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Plinco

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that is nuts lol
Never, ever, thought I would have this problem, except with women over 45 or fat, or disfigured. She's 25, average to slim build, healthy. Don't feel like having sex with her.
 

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Grinderman

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She is not transmitting to you (vibrating to you) the energy that you need...

I get it. You can't be attracted to a sack of potatoes, not matter how fancy the wrapping.

the tragedy is....you knew this from the get go and still..............got married.

Please tell the class...............why???
 

Plinco

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1.) Never occurred to me that this could happen. Never met a girl between 18 to 45 and healthy that I would not have sex with.... or maybe I didn't notice that such women existed.
2.) Women I have been with before were not family materiel, I thought I was making a smart decision.
 

Grinderman

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1.) Never occurred to me that this could happen. Never met a girl between 18 to 45 and healthy that I would not have sex with.... or maybe I didn't notice that such women existed.
2.) Women I have been with before were not family materiel, I thought I was making a smart decision.
DID YOU NOT HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH THIS WOMAN BEFORE MARRYING HER?????

HOW COULD IT NEVER OCCUR TO YOU??? DID YOU NOT FVCK THE BIATCH BEFORE GETTING MARRIED?? OR WERE YOU FVCKING HER WITH NO PROBLEMS AND THEN SOMETHING WENT BAD???

YOU ARE NOT MAKING FVCKING SENSE
 

bcude

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Rich Cooper usually says that men love to complicate their lives and rationalize why they do it. This is what this feels like.
Why on earth did you give your ultimate, life changing commitment to a woman who didn't meet your basic needs? Because sex is a basic need for all men. This is not to point fingers, it's a valid question. I'm assuming you dated and vetted her for a while before you gave her the ring.
I've experienced the same. In my earlier blue pill days i had a hot gf that i wasn't really sexually craving and it was because of her personality, demands and off-putting behavior. It took a while for me to realise but behavior can make you turn your head away from an otherwise attractive woman.
This unfortunately only has one solution since your feelings for her will never change. Divorce her for both of your sake and never make the same mistake again. You can't be living like this. A woman absolutely needs to pass the boner test, that is fundamental.

I get it. You're like me, you're analytical, try to dissect everything and look for answers to why this is, which is good to a certain point. But desire is pretty simple and basic and we can clearly see that your desire for her was never there from the beginning. I'm not for dissolving an established marriage but somewhere you've to see the situation you're in for what it is and cut your losses.
 
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Plinco

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Rich Cooper usually says that men love to complicate their lives and rationalize why they do it. This is what this feels like.
Why on earth did you give your ultimate, life changing commitment to a woman who didn't meet your basic needs? Because sex is a basic need for all men. This is not to point fingers, it's a valid question. I'm assuming you dated and vetted her for a while before you gave her the ring.
I've experienced the same. In my earlier blue pill days i had a hot gf that i wasn't really sexually craving and it was because of her personality, demands and off-putting behavior. It took a while for me to realise but behavior can make you turn your head away from an otherwise attractive woman.
This unfortunately only has one solution since your feelings for her will never change. Divorce her for both of your sake and never make the same mistake again. You can't be living like this. A woman absolutely needs to pass the boner test, that is fundamental.
Unfortunately I think you're right. I'm making a last effort to save it but it doesn't look good. It's worth a shot anyway.
 
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