No second Dates. What am I doing wrong?

[seducebeginner]

I’m 28 now, but for most of my life I was the quiet, introverted type — the kind of guy who barely had any interactions with women. Approaching someone, flirting, making the first move… none of that was part of my world.

Things changed in August when I created profiles on Tinder and Hinge. I uploaded a few strong photos, and out of nowhere the matches started stacking up. Texting was rough at first, but I got better quickly. These days I usually end up exchanging numbers and setting up dates after only a handful of messages. It turns out I fit the “Chad” stereotype more than I ever realized.

Messaging flows smoothly for me: I’m relaxed, playful, confident, and there’s usually some flirting or tension. But once the conversation moves offline, something doesn’t seem to click. Since August I’ve been on 15 first dates with 15 different women — and every single one has ended there. No follow-up dates at all.

I initially suspected it might be my appearance, so on dates I sometimes ask whether I look like my photos. They always say yes with a smile, so that doesn’t appear to be the problem. Instead, the comments I hear afterward are things like: “The vibe wasn’t quite right,” “There wasn’t a spark,” “I don’t feel a connection,” or the familiar “Let’s stay friends.”

Maybe I’m not generating enough chemistry in person, or maybe I come across as overly polite. Honestly, I’m still trying to figure it out.

 

[CornbreadFed]

Sounds like there is a mismatch between how you present yourself online and how you show up in person. In other words, you might be giving off one vibe on the apps and a totally different one in real life. Most women are not just looking for whoever is available, they are evaluating the whole package.

1) Start qualifying women
Make your time valuable. Ask yourself: Does this woman actually deserve my time? Is she showing genuine interest, or is she just bored? Do we have anything in common?
I run a business and work in sales. When I meet a client, I have already done my homework. Going in blind is bad practice because you risk wasting your time or fumbling something obvious. Dating, especially dating apps, is the same. Know what you want and approach intentionally.

2) Build hobbies and social skills
Right now your emotional and social EQ feels low, which can come off as awkward or overly offline. Start building a real life: pursue hobbies, learn to enjoy yourself, talk to strangers, socialize with friends, and stop consuming red pill or black pill stuff. This is not an overnight fix, but it pays off massively over time.

3) Accept that you will not be compatible with every woman
Even with improvement, rejection still happens. Some people prefer Pepsi over Coke. Some like Chick fil A more than In N Out. It is normal. Do not let a few rejections destroy your confidence or your sense of self.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

It sounds like you don't know how to appropriately escalate or sexualize the conversations in person to be able to excite them in that way.

It's a process, you will likely need to use trial and error in time of how you act and behave in person until you start finding things that work and then fine time it from there.

 

[BPH]

@seducebeginner first off, welcome to the forum.

I'm almost certain that your problem is that you aren't escalating enough. Have you kissed any of these women? Have you slept with any of these women?

If you're attractive enough to get matches and have the girls show up to the date, they're open to the possibility of things going in that direction. However, she will almost NEVER make that move, so it has to be you.

Are you doing these things?

 

[We_ArE_VeNOM]

I’m 28 now, but for most of my life I was the quiet, introverted type — the kind of guy who barely had any interactions with women. Approaching someone, flirting, making the first move… none of that was part of my world.

Things changed in August when I created profiles on Tinder and Hinge.

Wow, is messaging someone on dating apps considered approaching nowadays?

If it isn't, then things didn't change in August as you alleged.

Since August I’ve been on 15 first dates with 15 different women— and every single one has ended there. No follow-up dates at all.

Going 0-15 is crazy work.

Question, what did the majority of those dates consist of?

The devil is in the details.

You shouldn't be taking women on dates (yet) in the first place.

I initially suspected it might be my appearance, so on dates I sometimes ask whether I look like my photos. They always say yes with a smile, so that doesn’t appear to be the problem. Instead, the comments I hear afterward are things like: “The vibe wasn’t quite right,” “There wasn’t a spark,” “I don’t feel a connection,” or the familiar “Let’s stay friends.”

Maybe I’m not generating enough chemistry in person, or maybe I come across as overly polite. Honestly, I’m still trying to figure it out.

Again, the devil is in the details of the dates.

Please provide a brief summary of the dates..particularly, who paid for what?

 

[BillyPilgrim]

Wow, is messaging someone on dating apps considered approaching nowadays?

If it isn't, then things didn't change in August as you alleged.



Going 0-15 is crazy work.

Question, what did the majority of those dates consist of?

The devil is in the details.

You shouldn't be taking women on dates (yet) in the first place.



Again, the devil is in the details of the dates.

Please provide a brief summary of the dates..particularly, who paid for what?

There's detail enough in the last bit of what you quoted from the OP. Dude isn't confident.

 

[Barrister]

OP,

You need to give us more information if you want us to be able to give constructive feedback. Generally speaking, if you went 0-15 I can almost guarantee that your in-person affect does not match your online one. You described yourself as confident and playful online. I’m guessing you’re nervous and wooden in person and it’s a big turnoff for these women who are expecting the online guy to be the in person guy.

You need to learn how to talk to women and be comfortable doing it. Practice with every woman you meet IRL. And don’t even have a goal of getting a number/date. Just interact and try to charm them. You’ll get better.

 

[BadBoy89]

OP is not attracted to the woman he's dating. If he was, he would sexualize it.

I had the same issue, I was like 0/5 for a few months and didn't sexualize the conversation on alot of 1st dates. Why? Because I wasn't attracted to them. I made them my therapist / mommy on the date instead of a woman I want to sleep with.

On 6th try, the woman was good looking. She was from Middle East but looked half Japanese, man I was in love. I kept saying "man, you an actress? You are hot. I'm in love" I got the 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th date.

I also went out with personal trainer a few times and I almost told her "I can't resist, I want to sleep with you", I got 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th date out of her too.

Point being OP is not lusting after them, he is making them their mommy, and they feel it.

 

[We_ArE_VeNOM]

There's detail enough in the last bit of what you quoted from the OP. Dude isn't confident.

I need more, though.

If all the dates consisted of dude wining and dining them ho's, then that was the problem.

They could have been using him for just that.

That is the female equivalent of pump & dump with guys..and precisely what Mode One seeks to avoid.

 

[Gamisch]

I can't believe you went 0-15 . Shyte doesn't add up..

15 women that shaved there clam , took effort to meet you, chatted, decided that YOU was " that guy" depite having 99+ likes and the ability to go on dates with anyone ect ect ect? Only to disregard you? All of them?

All the while while most men ( like me) can't even get 15 women in a year?? But the ones( 3 - 5 per year) I do get , I GET GET?

Are you SURE it was 15 women?

 

[BillyPilgrim]

I need more, though.

If all the dates consisted of dude wining and dining them ho's, then that was the problem.

They could have been using him for just that.

That is the female equivalent of pump & dump with guys..and precisely what Mode One seeks to avoid.

It could well be the type of woman he attracts as well as his own actions. Also interested in hearing the deets from OP.

The "chad" stereotype he mentioned could well be the "Beta Chad" or "Preppy Chad" stereotype and not the "Bad Boy Chad"

 

[Clockwerk50]

As everyone has said, it’s hard to give any advice since so many details are missing, especially variables such as you possibly failing tests of congruency, coming across as too relationship-focused, becoming a doormat nice guy, appearing stuck-up or not genuine enough, stingy, unconfident, or who knows what else.

Anyway, that said, if there’s one thing I can recommend, and what came to mind, it’s that you might be a porn watcher and a chronic masturbator. If that’s the case, try stopping. It can prime your body and instincts to escalate more naturally and easily in real life.

 

[seducebeginner]

OP is not attracted to the woman he's dating. If he was, he would sexualize it.

I had the same issue, I was like 0/5 for a few months and didn't sexualize the conversation on alot of 1st dates. Why? Because I wasn't attracted to them. I made them my therapist / mommy on the date instead of a woman I want to sleep with.

On 6th try, the woman was good looking. She was from Middle East but looked half Japanese, man I was in love. I kept saying "man, you an actress? You are hot. I'm in love" I got the 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th date.

I also went out with personal trainer a few times and I almost told her "I can't resist, I want to sleep with you", I got 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th date out of her too.

Point being OP is not lusting after them, he is making them their mommy, and they feel it.

I think you're right, that could be one reason.

 

[seducebeginner]

Are you SURE it was 15 women?

If I wanted to, I could have dated three women a day this summer. I was practically swimming in bitches. If you know how to text women, online dating is a game changer.

 

[seducebeginner]

Anyway, that said, if there’s one thing I can recommend, and what came to mind, it’s that you might be a porn watcher and a chronic masturbator. If that’s the case, try stopping. It can prime your body and instincts to escalate more naturally and easily in real life.

Yes, I am rebooting.

 

[seducebeginner]

You need to give us more information if you want us to be able to give constructive feedback.

Yes, that's right, I've never escalated things before, and that was probably the mistake. Too little physical contact and so on. Most of my dates involve going for a walk outside and then having a drink afterwards, depending on the mood. Once I had a first date at my place, and once I took a woman home with me after a walk, but in hindsight I realize that I didn't make the decisive move.So far, I have never tried to kiss a woman on the first date. When it comes to conversation, I try to bring up interesting topics—such as travel, adventure, or personal experiences.

 

[seducebeginner]

All the while while most men ( like me) can't even get 15 women in a year??

15 Woman in 6 Weeks hahahah

 

[We_ArE_VeNOM]

All the while while most men ( like me) can't even get 15 women in a year?? But the ones( 3 - 5 per year) I do get , I GET GET?

Are you SURE it was 15 women?

No approach, no women.

 

[Gamisch]

15 Woman in 6 Weeks hahahah

But how often did you bust a nut?

I nutted at least 150 times in a woman's body this year ..

 

[Solomon]

Honestly it's normal according to various studies 1st dates lead to 2nd dates only 10-20% at the time.
Last year I was at 19.6% this year it dropped of to 9%

The thing is, chemistry in person is a huge factor, also attraction (a woman isn't going to tell you she is not attracted to you in person to spare your feelings and in via text most women wanna let you down easy)

IMO try to vet, qualify, and meet in person keep things flirty and fun. Try to stay away from the heavy trauma talk on first dates, I know a lot of women love to do it post-covid but 1st dates are meant for fun, flirty sexy vibes