Forgiving vs holding grudges...

[Black Widow Void]

And if you're like me, you "Wait" years even.

Absolutely. Nice to see another mental chess player on board.

 

[Pierce.Manhammer]

An addendum: in relationships the best thing to do is never reply, but truly only if you’ve been slighted. I believe in providing closure for everyone but those who’ve utterly fraked me over. Not replying is the ultimate f-u it lets peoples worst possible thoughts of why take over their thinking, they in fact torture themselves, no effort required.

End up looking like this, (oh so satisfying):

 

[Black Widow Void]

An addendum: in relationships the best thing to do is never reply, but truly only if you’ve been slighted. I believe in providing closure for everyone but those who’ve utterly fraked me over. Not replying is the ultimate f-u it lets peoples worst possible thoughts of why take over their thinking, they in fact torture themselves, no effort required.

End up looking like this, (oh so satisfying):

This is good. And you kept her going for six months (at least). Nice!

I've used this variation twice; which I find just as satisfying.

Her: "blah blah blah."
Me: (If she has an iphone, I set my iphone to enable "read status") "This is embarrassing. I cleared some old phone contacts a while back, but it looks like we know each other. May I ask who this is?" This reply in itself is a slap to her ego.
Her: "It's _____ "
Me: No response.

I then set my phone back to "disable read status." The next time they send a text (even if I've read it) their message will appear as "delivered" rather than "read." You will have pleasure of knowing that she'll be revisiting her last message countless times to see if the status changes to "read"... or wondering if you were too busy to reply... or wondering if you somehow over looked her message.... or if you blocked her.

My above action might sound petty and immature to some, but the idea of investing 30 seconds and knowing that I'll be living in their head a *whole* lot longer is rewarding.

 

[Pierce.Manhammer]

That’s almost as good as the “sorry who is this? New phone.” Response.

 

[manfrombelow]

This is good. And you kept her going for six months (at least). Nice!

I've used this variation twice; which I find just as satisfying.

Her: "blah blah blah."
Me: (If she has an iphone, I set my iphone to enable "read status") "This is embarrassing. I cleared some old phone contacts a while back, but it looks like we know each other. May I ask who this is?" This reply in itself is a slap to her ego.
Her: "It's _____ "
Me: No response.

I then set my phone back to "disable read status." The next time they send a text (even if I've read it) their message will appear as "delivered" rather than "read." You will have pleasure of knowing that she'll be revisiting her last message countless times to see if the status changes to "read"... or wondering if you were too busy to reply... or wondering if you somehow over looked her message.... or if you blocked her.

My above action might sound petty and immature to some, but the idea of investing 30 seconds and knowing that I'll be living in their head a *whole* lot longer is rewarding.

No it's not petty nor immature because each person has their own story. I'd say this is a very good move.

 

[ubercat]

Kind of depends who they are and how important in your life And the impact on you. You do get weird game players. There was this chick at work who never acknowledged my Hi or Good morning and had plenty of other passive aggressive behaviour. I d alternate between rushing up to her and giving her a very fake I how are you good to see you again and asking her in a concerned voice if she was ok and if she ever needed to talk I was here for her (because she must have been preoccupied and missed my greeting). She eventually quit. I hope I had something to do with that

 

[catsmeow]

There was this chick at work who never acknowledged my Hi or Good morning and had plenty of other passive aggressive behaviour. I d alternate between rushing up to her and giving her a very fake I how are you good to see you again and asking her in a concerned voice if she was ok and if she ever needed to talk I was here for her (because she must have been preoccupied and missed my greeting). She eventually quit. I hope I had something to do with that

Lol, I'm envisioning this scenario and you're quite the ball buster, aren't you! It was actually perfect.

Dont ignore, mock, humiliate instead. In that type of scenario.

I never would because I'm too passive but in your case @ubercat .... .

 

[Smok1nAce]

forgive but dont forget.

I had a friend who wronged me several times before in my early 20s. he moved away and I wanted revenge, he contacted me 10 years later. he never apologized for his behavior and acted as if nothing happened. I forgave him so i could forgive myself, for every being friends with someone like that.

Now when he contacts me I have total contempt for him, I had to be the bigger person.

 

[Grounded eagle]

All my life I’ve struggled with the concept of forgiveness. I find it hard to comprehend the idea that someone can wrong you and pretty much say,”Sorry,”, and you’re supposed to just let it go and forget it happened.So for most of my life the the idea has been screw forgiveness.I only ever considered it if I got even with the offending party.

As I got older,though, I began to feel that holding onto things,like it or not,has a way of messing with your peace.So I made an exception,I’d be willing to forgive someone if they showed me they were sorry by taking quantifiable,actionable steps towards remedying the situation.If they didn’t make the effort,they could take their apologies and shove ‘em where the sun doesn’t shine.

 

[Reyaj]

So obviously a personal circumstance prompted to write this thread.. A close friend did me dirty many years ago.. we hadn't talked for a decade.. I ran into him a few years ago and decided to let it go.. Things were ok for a while but then he crossed the line again...

My family was disrespected and I'm having a hard time getting the idea of getting some kind of revenge on him out of my mind...

His life is pathetic... But I still feel disrespected.... I feel like doing something.

 

[ubercat]

I should set the record straight. I only play a player. And some players I don't play because they are way above my league. Best to move on if you meet a true dark one.

 

[samspade]

So obviously a personal circumstance prompted to write this thread.. A close friend did me dirty many years ago.. we hadn't talked for a decade.. I ran into him a few years ago and decided to let it go.. Things were ok for a while but then he crossed the line again...

My family was disrespected and I'm having a hard time getting the idea of getting some kind of revenge on him out of my mind...

His life is pathetic... But I still feel disrespected.... I feel like doing something.

There is an old saying, that revenge is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

Personally I forgive (even if I don't verbalize it), but that doesn't mean they get to be part of my life again. Stewing over the past is the same as worrying about the future - big waste of the present.

 

[Barrister]

How do you all feel about forgiving people versus holding grudges or just staying angry?

Obviously the easy answer is to say forgive.. however if someone insulted or did something bad to a loved one it's easier said than done.. Also if someone you were close with/trusted does something bad, you take it worse versus some bloke who means nothing to you.

Just want to see how you all draw the line and approach levels of disrespect in terms of forgiveness or continuing to hold resentment.

This completely depends on the situation. When it comes to relationships with women, holding grudges is silly. You gain nothing from doing that except you expend energy on something that means nothing in the end. The relationship is over - move on and don't interact with them.

I do hold "grudges" professionally. When someone violates my trust in my profession I never forget it. They have shown me their true colors. "Always believe someone when they show you who they are the first time" as we like to say around here. This applies to everything in life and not just women with dating.

 

[catsmeow]

I do hold "grudges" professionally. When someone violates my trust in my profession I never forget it. They have shown me their true colors. "Always believe someone when they show you who they are the first time" as we like to say around here. This applies to everything in life and not just women with dating.

I don't think you should ever forget it, even IF you chose to forgive (for yourself NOT for them). Nor do I think you should ever associate with them again.

Forgiving is for your own peace of mind, so you're not carrying any jadedness and bitterness around with you. No one should have that much power over you especially someone who wronged you.

Rise above it, release it, let it go.

Agree with bolded.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. ~ Maya Angelou

I'm still working on that one myself, it's not as easy as it sounds.

 

[Chuck Taylor]

the idea that someone can wrong you and pretty much say,”Sorry,”, and you’re supposed to just let it go and forget it happened.

Forgiving someone doesn't mean to forget it happened. It does mean to let it go though.

In Colossians 3, we're taught to 'forgive as the Lord forgave you.'

 

[Barrister]

I don't think you should ever forget it, even IF you chose to forgive (for yourself NOT for them). Nor do I think you should ever associate with them again.

Not only do I not forget it - but I also will not forgive it. There are certain things you don't do. And it isn't so much I sit around and let it burn me forever. But this person will never be given a break by me after they have made that choice.

 

[Mike32ct]

You don’t completely forget for your own protection. You know not to trust that person anymore, or at least you are more careful around them.

But you forgive to the extent that you let it go and not let it bother you anymore.

 

[EyeBRollin]

I proudly hold grudges.

 

[catsmeow]

But this person will never be given a break by me after they have made that choice.

We could go round and round about this, but fair enough.

But to clarify, forgiving does not mean giving the person a break, they don't matter. Or shouldn't. They're irrelevant and shouldn't factor into why you forgive.

You forgive for YOU but I understand what you're saying @Barrister I truly do.

I just know for me, if I didn't choose to "forgive" all the people who have hurt me and wronged me in my life, I might be insane right now, consumed with bitterness.

So I rose above and let it go - forgave (for me).

I will never forget though, never ever and will never associate with them again.

 

[Barrister]

We could go round and round about this, but fair enough.

But to clarify, forgiving does not mean giving the person a break, they don't matter. Or shouldn't. They're irrelevant and shouldn't factor into why you forgive.

You forgive for YOU but I understand what you're saying @Barrister I truly do.

I just know for me, if I didn't choose to "forgive" all the people who have hurt me and wronged me in my life, I might be insane right now, consumed with bitterness.

So I rose above and let it go - forgave (for me).

I will never forget though, never ever and will never associate with them again.

I would have agreed with you about 10 years ago. What I have come to find as I have gotten older is that some people simply don't deserve forgiveness or a break for their bad behavior. Sometimes, people need to reap what they sow - for good. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt - but once they clearly show me they aren't deserving of my trust I would say it is done for. Especially in a professional setting.

You seem to think you need to "forgive" someone or else you would "be insane" right now. This isn't a mindset that I have. I don't sit around thinking about these people - but they have by no means been "forgiven" for their unacceptable actions - nor will they be.