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Forgiving vs holding grudges...

Reyaj

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How do you all feel about forgiving people versus holding grudges or just staying angry?

Obviously the easy answer is to say forgive.. however if someone insulted or did something bad to a loved one it's easier said than done.. Also if someone you were close with/trusted does something bad, you take it worse versus some bloke who means nothing to you.

Just want to see how you all draw the line and approach levels of disrespect in terms of forgiveness or continuing to hold resentment.
 

Kotaix

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Getting angry and staying angry is not on the other person, it's on you. But not being angry and forgiving are two entirely different things.

I've been done wrong by people before, including people forging my checks or just general sh!t talking. The funny thing is when I get wronged like that, I don't get mad, I stay chill. But that person is usually out of my life from that point forward

And other times I've had the person reach out and try to right the wrong, and in those situations I will forgive them. I won't necessarily trust them, but everyone deserves a chance at redemption.
 

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Mike32ct

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Distance yourself from that person. Only interact with them if you absolutely must.

But otherwise try not to think about it, or keep such thoughts to a minimum. No point in continuing to stress about it ie let them live rent free in your head.
 

catsmeow

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Yes you forgive, forgiveness is very powerful.

The thing is, you don't choose to forgive for them, you choose to forgive for yourself. So you can heal and move the hell on.

People who lack the ability to forgive and carry grudges can become jaded, angry and resentful which isn't healthy for them or those they associate with.

Also, forgiveness does not mean forgetting. You never forget the hurt they caused you or your loved one(s) and for that reason, you make the conscious decision to never associate with that person again.

But try and forgive, again for yourself, not for the person who hurt you. They shouldn't be your concern, YOU should be your concern

Rise above it. Learn to let go of it. I admit it takes a somewhat enlightened and evolved person to embrace that attitude but it's so worth it!

You will be much happier and those you associate with will also be much happier.

Peace.
 

Chuck Taylor

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When my boss pisses me off, I hold that grudge. He's a noodleneck pipsqueak that I envision throwing into a wall each and everyday. I can't forgive that motherf*cker.

Everyone else is cool though.
 

catsmeow

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When my boss pisses me off, I hold that grudge. He's a noodleneck pipsqueak that I envision throwing into a wall each and everyday. I can't forgive that motherf*cker.

Everyone else is cool though.
Lol, when my ex-boss pissed me off (which was often!), I took a break, went for a short run, did some yoga in break room, and came back refreshed and over it!

I eventually left and found a job where my boss wasn't such as a$$hole!

I highly recommend doing any of those things, but especially leaving and finding better job and better boss.

Life's too short mate.
 

TheProspect

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Who you are is determined by your genetics and the conditioning you received from external influences throughout your life. You don't choose your parents. And for the most part you didn't choose the environmental influences that resulted in you becoming the person you are today...

Your voluntary actions can only operate within the constraints of your genetics and conditioning. In other words, you are largely the consequence of nature AND nurture... You have a lot less free will than you think...

Furthermore, you don't choose your thoughts, as you cannot think your thoughts before you think them -- they just spontaneously arise. If you don't choose your thoughts, then you are not the author of them. If you do not author your thoughts, and these thoughts instead are more so mental phenomena influenced by nature and nature, then there is in some sense a lack of moral responsibility for the behaviours that are of consequence of these thoughts...

... and there is an apparent lack of moral responsibility for these behaviours because the individual doesn't have true agency to choose his thoughts, to choose his genetics, and to choose his conditioning -- and if you do not have the freedom to choose, are you really morally responsible for consequences that cannot have been otherwise? Yes, as a matter of cause and effect you are responsible... but morally, ethically? How could you be.

When you realize the harm done unto you by others is merely the result of their own genetics and conditioning, and they couldn't have done otherwise, you open up a path to empathy instead of resentment. The people you meet are doing the best they can with the tools they were both born with and given by their conditioning... For many people, they aren't working with much... and no one has the same exact same toolset as you, so it is an error to judge them and resent them for it.


Now everything thing I wrote is predicated on the claim that free will, in its absolute sense, does not exist. If what I said resonates with you, then your resentment will naturally fade, and be replaced with empathy.
Many people, however, believe free will does in fact exist... and their resentment demonstrates that. They take the harm done unto them personally. How can you not feel angry or hurt and take it personally if you believe the other person could have done otherwise?

Well, it would be hard not to, and this would make forgiveness hard... but what if you chose to forgive? Or are you not free to make that choice due to your genetics, upbringing, and conditioning?
 

Chuck Taylor

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Who you are is determined by your genetics and the conditioning you received from external influences throughout your life. You don't choose your parents. And for the most part you didn't choose the environmental influences that resulted in you becoming the person you are today...

Your voluntary actions can only operate within the constraints of your genetics and conditioning. In other words, you are largely the consequence of nature AND nurture... You have a lot less free will than you think...

Furthermore, you don't choose your thoughts, as you cannot think your thoughts before you think them -- they just spontaneously arise. If you don't choose your thoughts, then you are not the author of them. If you do not author your thoughts, and these thoughts instead are more so mental phenomena influenced by nature and nature, then there is in some sense a lack of moral responsibility for the behaviours that are of consequence of these thoughts...

... and there is an apparent lack of moral responsibility for these behaviours because the individual doesn't have true agency to choose his thoughts, to choose his genetics, and to choose his conditioning -- and if you do not have the freedom to choose, are you really morally responsible for consequences that cannot have been otherwise? Yes, as a matter of cause and effect you are responsible... but morally, ethically? How could you be.

When you realize the harm done unto you by others is merely the result of their own genetics and conditioning, and they couldn't have done otherwise, you open up a path to empathy instead of resentment. The people you meet are doing the best they can with the tools they were both born with and given by their conditioning... For many people, they aren't working with much... and no one has the same exact same toolset as you, so it is an error to judge them and resent them for it.


Now everything thing I wrote is predicated on the claim that free will, in its absolute sense, does not exist. If what I said resonates with you, then your resentment will naturally fade, and be replaced with empathy.
Many people, however, believe free will does in fact exist... and their resentment demonstrates that. They take the harm done unto them personally. How can you not feel angry or hurt and take it personally if you believe the other person could have done otherwise?

Well, it would be hard not to, and this would make forgiveness hard... but what if you chose to forgive? Or are you not free to make that choice due to your genetics, upbringing, and conditioning?
You just nuked a very simple question.
 

Reyaj

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Who you are is determined by your genetics and the conditioning you received from external influences throughout your life. You don't choose your parents. And for the most part you didn't choose the environmental influences that resulted in you becoming the person you are today...

Your voluntary actions can only operate within the constraints of your genetics and conditioning. In other words, you are largely the consequence of nature AND nurture... You have a lot less free will than you think...

Furthermore, you don't choose your thoughts, as you cannot think your thoughts before you think them -- they just spontaneously arise. If you don't choose your thoughts, then you are not the author of them. If you do not author your thoughts, and these thoughts instead are more so mental phenomena influenced by nature and nature, then there is in some sense a lack of moral responsibility for the behaviours that are of consequence of these thoughts...

... and there is an apparent lack of moral responsibility for these behaviours because the individual doesn't have true agency to choose his thoughts, to choose his genetics, and to choose his conditioning -- and if you do not have the freedom to choose, are you really morally responsible for consequences that cannot have been otherwise? Yes, as a matter of cause and effect you are responsible... but morally, ethically? How could you be.

When you realize the harm done unto you by others is merely the result of their own genetics and conditioning, and they couldn't have done otherwise, you open up a path to empathy instead of resentment. The people you meet are doing the best they can with the tools they were both born with and given by their conditioning... For many people, they aren't working with much... and no one has the same exact same toolset as you, so it is an error to judge them and resent them for it.


Now everything thing I wrote is predicated on the claim that free will, in its absolute sense, does not exist. If what I said resonates with you, then your resentment will naturally fade, and be replaced with empathy.
Many people, however, believe free will does in fact exist... and their resentment demonstrates that. They take the harm done unto them personally. How can you not feel angry or hurt and take it personally if you believe the other person could have done otherwise?

Well, it would be hard not to, and this would make forgiveness hard... but what if you chose to forgive? Or are you not free to make that choice due to your genetics, upbringing, and conditioning?
At some point, personal agency must kick in...

Yes personal circumstances/environment play a key role.. however we as humans always do have some sort of choice. While statistically your narrative holds weight, the examples of those rising above do exist and thus debunk it.
 

Reyaj

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Holding grudges takes way too much emotional energy and does nothing but create negativity in your life. Never worth it in the long run.
I agree.. but sometimes it's hard not to when you feel betrayed, disrespected etc...

You naturally at least must have these initial reactions.. what thoughts do you take on afterwards though?
 

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Black Widow Void

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Although I can respect and admire those that practice Buddhist type teachings, I freely admit that I’m not cut out for that.

When someone strongly and intentionally wrongs me, I am judge, jury and executioner. I do it all legal, of course but their psychological welfare? Well, let’s just say that they’ve all regretted ever doing me wrong. It’s like playing a game of chess but with real people in real life.

I only forgive, after I have evened the score. I only have one more left to go.
 
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BackInTheGame78

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I agree.. but sometimes it's hard not to when you feel betrayed, disrespected etc...

You naturally at least must have these initial reactions.. what thoughts do you take on afterwards though?
Be glad the person showed you their true colors and that they no longer are a part of your life before it happened in a situation where you really needed them and they showed them to you then.
 

Pierce.Manhammer

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I forgot to add to the previous, and I will bide my time and wait for the perfect moment to utterly obliterate the perpetrator(s) and usually they won’t even see it coming or know why it happened…
 
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