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Forgiving vs holding grudges...

catsmeow

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You seem to think you need to "forgive" someone or else you would "be insane" right now. This isn't a mindset that I have. I don't sit around thinking about these people - but they have by no means been "forgiven" for their unacceptable actions - nor will they be
Interesting point..

I'm wondering now if I'm actually doing the same thing, but calling it "forgiveness" because that's the 'politically correct' thing to do or what my Eastern religious beliefs teach me to do.

Reason I say that is cause when I think about it -- never forgetting and vowing to never associate with them again, IF I truly forgave them, would I be feeling that way? Probably not.

Instead, I would have truly let it go and forgotten about it, allowed them to remain in my life, isn't that what forgiveness is?

As in what @Chuck Taylor posted?

"In Colossians 3, we're taught to 'forgive as the Lord forgave you.' "

I may have to re-think this, it's possible I have not forgiven them at all.
 
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Grounded eagle

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Forgiving someone doesn't mean to forget it happened. It does mean to let it go though.

In Colossians 3, we're taught to 'forgive as the Lord forgave you.'
Yeah,as a Catholic,that’s the part of my faith I struggle with the most.And true forgiveness connotes forgetting it happened,”...not just seven times,but seventy seven times.”

I don’t know,I know I should,but I just feel like they’re getting away with it.
 

IKO69

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Women or people in general? I'll speak on both --- up through my mid 20's or so I used to be the type to hold big grudges, for long periods of time (some spanned since teen's). During that period I was also reading different kinds of literature (Joseph Murphy) and I decided to let a lot of that **** go (the grudges) because I realized it was no longer serving me. Whether I had reason to be upset or not I realized it was pointless and was just hurting myself (I would feel bad if I thought about it). There was no way to undue the original incident which really was what mattered.

There have been a couple of times I have come across someone who wronged me or I found out someone had suffered misfortune and honestly I felt bad after hearing the news. I try not to get too hung up on things and just move forward with my life (in case of disappointment).
 

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catsmeow

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So I got to thinking more about this and I'm wondering if you'd feel the same if the person offered you a sincere apology?

Getting honest with myself, if I believed the person who wronged me was sincerely sorry and not just tossing me a bunch of BS, I might be able to forgive and forget, let bygones be bygones. But again the apology would have to be 100% sincere, and being the perceptive person that I am, I would be able to tell.

I can recall two times in my life wherein I was truly wronged, one of those times viciously and violently wronged and the person did not apologize. I have let it go and carried on believing I had forgiven them (for ME, not them) but after reading some of these responses, specifically @Barrister , I actually don't think I have forgiven them, not deep down.

If they had offered me a sincere apology, I might have but at this point that is not likely to happen.

But it's okay, I am not bitter about it, I haven't allowed it to affect my life in any sort of negative way. But I will never forget, and if I were to ever see this person again, I honestly have no idea how I would react.

I cannot imagine being kind or pleasant to them, I do know that. Hopefully, that will never happen and I won't have to face them ever again.

Interesting discussion, gave me a lot to think about.
 
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mrgoodstuff

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I proudly hold grudges.
You can, keep in mind that powerful attention can be directed elsewhere. Like making your money or having other success or even fun. Not necessary to have a grudge if you aren't gonna deal with them.
 

Chuck Taylor

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So I got to thinking more about this and I'm wondering if you'd feel the same if the person offered you a sincere apology?

Getting honest with myself, if I believed the person who wronged me was sincerely sorry and not just tossing me a bunch of BS
The only 'sincere' apology is the one you're given before sh!t hits the fan. Any apology you get is simply that person's desperate attempt to avoid facing any consequences for their actions.
 

catsmeow

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The only 'sincere' apology is the one you're given before sh!t hits the fan. Any apology you get is simply that person's desperate attempt to avoid facing any consequences for their actions.
What do you mean "before the shyt hits the fan"? I mean, I know what it means, just not in the context of someone severely wronging me (say a sexual assault for example).

In any event, I would like to believe people have a conscience and would be sorry, but I suppose that's an idealistic way to think. Sadly I am learning this, that there are many people in this world that truly do not give a shyt.
 

Chuck Taylor

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What do you mean "before the shyt hits the fan"?

In any event, I would like to believe people have a conscience and would be sorry, but I suppose that's an idealistic way to think. Sadly I am learning this, that there are many people in this world that truly do not give a shyt.
I mean, before they're called out on their poor behavior. Say a coworker disrespects you at work and you tell your boss about it. Your coworker will then come to you and apologize - but it's not a sincere apology. They're just apologizing because your boss told them to, or they're apologizing because they want to avoid punishment.

98% of the inhabitants of planet Earth are narcissistic *ssholes who only care about themselves. Self-preservation and money is all they give a sh*t about.
 

catsmeow

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I mean, before they're called out on their poor behavior. Say a coworker disrespects you at work and you tell your boss about it. Your coworker will then come to you and apologize - but it's not a sincere apology. They're just apologizing because your boss told them to, or they're apologizing because they want to avoid punishment.

98% of the inhabitants of planet Earth are narcissistic *ssholes who only care about themselves. Self-preservation and money is all they give a sh*t about.
I see. Yeah in that case, I agree it wouldn't be a sincere apology.

Re the bolded, lol, this is not something I would do (tattletale on my co-worker for disrespecting me), I would deal with it myself directly with the person, and have! I try to not involve my boss in personal office drama like that.

Second paragraph, again yeah I am learning this, sadly.
 

Reyaj

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There is an old saying, that revenge is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

Personally I forgive (even if I don't verbalize it), but that doesn't mean they get to be part of my life again. Stewing over the past is the same as worrying about the future - big waste of the present.
I do understand this and often agree with the sentiment of "living well is the best revenge"

However I think context may matter... There can be varying degrees of being wronged.

 

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ubercat

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Wel as a hypothetical exercise if somebody was going to do it fish oil in a syringe down car door seals and air conditioning vents works. Cost them thousands to get it cleaned. And of course that hypothetical someone would need to be careful cameras everywhere these days
 

Reyaj

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I've really tried to let something go but I can't and am haunted by it to a degree. I think plotting out vengeance may be the only way past it.

I did try to resist it for a very long time..
 
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