Forgiving vs holding grudges...

[Pierce Manhammer]

That’s almost as good as the “sorry who is this? New phone.” Response.

 

[manfrombelow]

This is good. And you kept her going for six months (at least). Nice!

I've used this variation twice; which I find just as satisfying.

Her: "blah blah blah."
Me: (If she has an iphone, I set my iphone to enable "read status") "This is embarrassing. I cleared some old phone contacts a while back, but it looks like we know each other. May I ask who this is?" This reply in itself is a slap to her ego.
Her: "It's _____ "
Me: No response.

I then set my phone back to "disable read status." The next time they send a text (even if I've read it) their message will appear as "delivered" rather than "read." You will have pleasure of knowing that she'll be revisiting her last message countless times to see if the status changes to "read"... or wondering if you were too busy to reply... or wondering if you somehow over looked her message.... or if you blocked her.

My above action might sound petty and immature to some, but the idea of investing 30 seconds and knowing that I'll be living in their head a *whole* lot longer is rewarding.

No it's not petty nor immature because each person has their own story. I'd say this is a very good move.

 

[ubercat]

Kind of depends who they are and how important in your life And the impact on you. You do get weird game players. There was this chick at work who never acknowledged my Hi or Good morning and had plenty of other passive aggressive behaviour. I d alternate between rushing up to her and giving her a very fake I how are you good to see you again and asking her in a concerned voice if she was ok and if she ever needed to talk I was here for her (because she must have been preoccupied and missed my greeting). She eventually quit. I hope I had something to do with that

 

[Smok1nAce]

forgive but dont forget.

I had a friend who wronged me several times before in my early 20s. he moved away and I wanted revenge, he contacted me 10 years later. he never apologized for his behavior and acted as if nothing happened. I forgave him so i could forgive myself, for every being friends with someone like that.

Now when he contacts me I have total contempt for him, I had to be the bigger person.

 

[Grounded eagle]

All my life I’ve struggled with the concept of forgiveness. I find it hard to comprehend the idea that someone can wrong you and pretty much say,”Sorry,”, and you’re supposed to just let it go and forget it happened.So for most of my life the the idea has been screw forgiveness.I only ever considered it if I got even with the offending party.

As I got older,though, I began to feel that holding onto things,like it or not,has a way of messing with your peace.So I made an exception,I’d be willing to forgive someone if they showed me they were sorry by taking quantifiable,actionable steps towards remedying the situation.If they didn’t make the effort,they could take their apologies and shove ‘em where the sun doesn’t shine.

 

[Reyaj]

So obviously a personal circumstance prompted to write this thread.. A close friend did me dirty many years ago.. we hadn't talked for a decade.. I ran into him a few years ago and decided to let it go.. Things were ok for a while but then he crossed the line again...

My family was disrespected and I'm having a hard time getting the idea of getting some kind of revenge on him out of my mind...

His life is pathetic... But I still feel disrespected.... I feel like doing something.

 

[ubercat]

I should set the record straight. I only play a player. And some players I don't play because they are way above my league. Best to move on if you meet a true dark one.

 

[Barrister]

How do you all feel about forgiving people versus holding grudges or just staying angry?

Obviously the easy answer is to say forgive.. however if someone insulted or did something bad to a loved one it's easier said than done.. Also if someone you were close with/trusted does something bad, you take it worse versus some bloke who means nothing to you.

Just want to see how you all draw the line and approach levels of disrespect in terms of forgiveness or continuing to hold resentment.

This completely depends on the situation. When it comes to relationships with women, holding grudges is silly. You gain nothing from doing that except you expend energy on something that means nothing in the end. The relationship is over - move on and don't interact with them.

I do hold "grudges" professionally. When someone violates my trust in my profession I never forget it. They have shown me their true colors. "Always believe someone when they show you who they are the first time" as we like to say around here. This applies to everything in life and not just women with dating.

 

[Chuck Taylor]

the idea that someone can wrong you and pretty much say,”Sorry,”, and you’re supposed to just let it go and forget it happened.

Forgiving someone doesn't mean to forget it happened. It does mean to let it go though.

In Colossians 3, we're taught to 'forgive as the Lord forgave you.'

 

[Barrister]

I don't think you should ever forget it, even IF you chose to forgive (for yourself NOT for them). Nor do I think you should ever associate with them again.

Not only do I not forget it - but I also will not forgive it. There are certain things you don't do. And it isn't so much I sit around and let it burn me forever. But this person will never be given a break by me after they have made that choice.

 

[Mike32ct]

You don’t completely forget for your own protection. You know not to trust that person anymore, or at least you are more careful around them.

But you forgive to the extent that you let it go and not let it bother you anymore.

 

[EyeBRollin]

I proudly hold grudges.

 

[Barrister]

We could go round and round about this, but fair enough.

But to clarify, forgiving does not mean giving the person a break, they don't matter. Or shouldn't. They're irrelevant and shouldn't factor into why you forgive.

You forgive for YOU but I understand what you're saying @Barrister I truly do.

I just know for me, if I didn't choose to "forgive" all the people who have hurt me and wronged me in my life, I might be insane right now, consumed with bitterness.

So I rose above and let it go - forgave (for me).

I will never forget though, never ever and will never associate with them again.

I would have agreed with you about 10 years ago. What I have come to find as I have gotten older is that some people simply don't deserve forgiveness or a break for their bad behavior. Sometimes, people need to reap what they sow - for good. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt - but once they clearly show me they aren't deserving of my trust I would say it is done for. Especially in a professional setting.

You seem to think you need to "forgive" someone or else you would "be insane" right now. This isn't a mindset that I have. I don't sit around thinking about these people - but they have by no means been "forgiven" for their unacceptable actions - nor will they be.

 

[Grounded eagle]

Forgiving someone doesn't mean to forget it happened. It does mean to let it go though.

In Colossians 3, we're taught to 'forgive as the Lord forgave you.'

Yeah,as a Catholic,that’s the part of my faith I struggle with the most.And true forgiveness connotes forgetting it happened,”...not just seven times,but seventy seven times.”

I don’t know,I know I should,but I just feel like they’re getting away with it.

 

[Chuck Taylor]

I don’t know,I know I should,but I just feel like they’re getting away with it.

We've all gotta learn to let go of our nasty pride too. That's really the hardest thing. I know it is for me.

 

[IKO69]

Women or people in general? I'll speak on both --- up through my mid 20's or so I used to be the type to hold big grudges, for long periods of time (some spanned since teen's). During that period I was also reading different kinds of literature (Joseph Murphy) and I decided to let a lot of that **** go (the grudges) because I realized it was no longer serving me. Whether I had reason to be upset or not I realized it was pointless and was just hurting myself (I would feel bad if I thought about it). There was no way to undue the original incident which really was what mattered.

There have been a couple of times I have come across someone who wronged me or I found out someone had suffered misfortune and honestly I felt bad after hearing the news. I try not to get too hung up on things and just move forward with my life (in case of disappointment).

 

[mrgoodstuff]

I proudly hold grudges.

You can, keep in mind that powerful attention can be directed elsewhere. Like making your money or having other success or even fun. Not necessary to have a grudge if you aren't gonna deal with them.

 

[EyeBRollin]

You can, keep in mind that powerful attention can be directed elsewhere. Like making your money or having other success or even fun. Not necessary to have a grudge if you aren't gonna deal with them.

Grudges don’t require attention. It is simply saying that person is dead to me.

 

[Chuck Taylor]

So I got to thinking more about this and I'm wondering if you'd feel the same if the person offered you a sincere apology?

Getting honest with myself, if I believed the person who wronged me was sincerely sorry and not just tossing me a bunch of BS

The only 'sincere' apology is the one you're given before sh!t hits the fan. Any apology you get is simply that person's desperate attempt to avoid facing any consequences for their actions.

 

[Chuck Taylor]

What do you mean "before the shyt hits the fan"?

In any event, I would like to believe people have a conscience and would be sorry, but I suppose that's an idealistic way to think. Sadly I am learning this, that there are many people in this world that truly do not give a shyt.

I mean, before they're called out on their poor behavior. Say a coworker disrespects you at work and you tell your boss about it. Your coworker will then come to you and apologize - but it's not a sincere apology. They're just apologizing because your boss told them to, or they're apologizing because they want to avoid punishment.

98% of the inhabitants of planet Earth are narcissistic *ssholes who only care about themselves. Self-preservation and money is all they give a sh*t about.