Was I used by this girl?

Sandmale

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#1
I casually dated a girl on and off for a year(I know this was dumb). She started going through rough financial times and she asked me for money. I helped her and she started ghosting and flaking on me. When I addressed she said she was depressed and wants to be alone. Eventually after me arguing with her saying that I don’t feel appreciated, she dumped me for good claiming that I’m hanging **** over her head too much and I keep briging up the favors I did for her; I helped her financially three times, twice for rent and once for helping her buy things she needed for work. I gave her money to overturn her eviction notice; I saved this girl’s life!!! I didn’t mind doing so cuz she invested in me, bought me gifts ,dinner and the like. All I wanted to do was continue seeing her. Is it too much to ask that she doesn’t flake w/o a word or ghost me. What’s the lesson here? Not asking for sympathy. I know I ****ed up.
 

mrgoodstuff

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#2
I casually dated a girl on and off for a year(I know this was dumb). She started going through rough financial times and she asked me for money. I helped her and she started ghosting and flaking on me. When I addressed she said she was depressed and wants to be alone. Eventually after me arguing with her saying that I don’t feel appreciated, she dumped me for good claiming that I’m hanging **** over her head too much and I keep briging up the favors I did for her; I helped her financially three times, twice for rent and once for helping her buy things she needed for work. I gave her money to overturn her eviction notice; I saved this girl’s life!!! I didn’t mind doing so cuz she invested in me, bought me gifts ,dinner and the like. All I wanted to do was continue seeing her. Is it too much to ask that she doesn’t flake w/o a word or ghost me. What’s the lesson here? Not asking for sympathy. I know I ****ed up.
Thats not rewarded im this country. Dont do that ( unless its your woman or wife ) even then a bad woman or wife may not support you. Even after you did all that.
 

Sandmale

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#3
Thats not rewarded im this country. Dont do that ( unless its your woman or wife ) even then a bad woman or wife may not support you. Even after you did all that.
Was I in the wrong from a moral perspective for saying things like “I helped you through a rough time, why would you ghost and flake on me without a word”?
 

mrgoodstuff

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#4
Was I in the wrong from a moral perspective for saying things like “I helped you through a rough time, why would you ghost and flake on me without a word”?
USA isnt a moral country. So by principle you did "good" but she doesnt have to do anything back for you. She can even hurt you eith your help...

If you ever do it again i suggest building to that level of reciprocity. Never do a huge effort for someone who doesnt do for you.

Watch Mr Locario youtubes on "simp" theres a few. One is we are conditioned to be a simp.

The other thing about "hot" women. They should want to do for you to pursue you. Dont get in the trap of trying tp treat her better. They look at it like weakness.
 

lamath

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#5
gratitude is the shortest lived emotion

From experience giving stuff or helping a women usualy lead to disrespect or expectation of more to come without gratitude
 

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HankHill

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#6
Did you help her thinking that you could buy her love/intimacy etc? that never works and is the wrong way to go about it. If you helped her without expecting anything in return because you as her man (I don't know if it was casual or a true relationship) couldn't just stand by watching her life go down the toilet then you did the right thing. However, never throw it back in her face. If she ghosts you simply walk away. She knows what you did for her and if she's a half way decent person she'll realize it and either pay you back, say thanks etc and if there are any feelings for you she'll probably even return with more admiration for you. If she doesn't do any of those things she's a sh1tty person, nothing you can do about that but to be thankful that she's out of your life.
 

oldmanofthesea

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#7
What's the lesson?

1. Never let money into the equation until you are married (and even then try to keep it segmented as much as feasibly possible). Loaning a woman money puts you into a the position if debt-collector which GUARANTEES to ruin her attraction to you, and to piss you off. It also puts you in the position of now wanting two things from her: your money back, and her time/attention/s*x. The more you need from her, the less she will value you.
2. You didn't bail out when she first started flaking on you. You stuck around despite her mistreatment of you, further lowering your value in her eyes. As such, she lost attraction in you and left you.
3. You will never make a girl wet for you by doing her favors. I can't tell you how many times it took me to learn this lesson and sometimes, I still fail it. Sadly, the more you do to help a woman out, the less respect she has for you. You want HER to be helping YOU. At the very least, she should be helping you equally, but I am skeptical of even going that far. Any time I've helped women (fix their car, repair furniture, whatever), they are extremely gracious in the moment but it seems to be the beginning of the end in terms of their attraction to me. They feel they have hooked me. They stop returning the favors. I stop giving them, but then it's too late.
4. You can't fix someone. If she needs money all the time, she has a problem. Loaning her money is enabling her to continue being irresponsible. She must learn to help herself.
 

Sandmale

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#8
Did you help her thinking that you could buy her love/intimacy etc? that never works and is the wrong way to go about it. If you helped her without expecting anything in return because you as her man (I don't know if it was casual or a true relationship) couldn't just stand by watching her life go down the toilet then you did the right thing. However, never throw it back in her face. If she ghosts you simply walk away. She knows what you did for her and if she's a half way decent person she'll realize it and either pay you back, say thanks etc and if there are any feelings for you she'll probably even return with more admiration for you. If she doesn't do any of those things she's a sh1tty person, nothing you can do about that but to be thankful that she's out of your life.
I helped cuz I cared for her and she had been so kind to me the past year, buying me **** . I did expect us to get closer and for her to show appreciation. We were on and off cuz I travelled out of state a lot but I don’t travel anymore and we started seeing each other more and I wanted to make it official. So much for that lol.
 

Chi Town

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#9
It's alright, some people don't appreciate sh!t, it happens, learn from it.

Do things for others who do things for you and if they show appreciation for what you do for them, other than that, let them help themselves

And yeah, sounds like you got used
 

marmel75

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#10
Was I in the wrong from a moral perspective for saying things like “I helped you through a rough time, why would you ghost and flake on me without a word”?
If you allow yourself to be taken advantage of that's on you. Stop being upset at her and dont do dumb sh!t like this anymore.
 
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HankHill

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#12
If you allow yourself to be taken advantage of that's on you. Stop being upset at her and dont do dumb sh!t like this anymore.
Well yeah in general that's true but there are situations (like in committed relationships) where it's not practical to just stand by and watch the other person on fire when you're holding a bucket of water especially if this person is someone you genuinely care about. But there's a difference in doing it because you're a man of values, good intentions and integrity vs. a needy man who's looking to do favors in exchange for her love/sex. The latter can't be bought.

As for women losing attraction (in committed relationships) because you do favors for them, it's only when you feel that your favors will somehow prove your value to her. That's not why you should do them. Your favors should come with no strings attached. If you can't do that don't do those favors. As an example I maintain my own cars so if I replace the brake pads for my wife's car (or a LTR gf) it's no big deal, it's just something I do anyway and enjoy the process. If I did it because that would get me redeemable points in bed there's something majorly wrong with that picture. Sex and love can never be bought for either gender, people share them when they feel the same way about each other.
 
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Sandmale

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#13
I was already sleeping with her. I
Well yeah in general that's true but there are situations (like in committed relationships) where it's not practical to just stand by and watch the other person on fire when you're holding a bucket of water especially if this person is someone you genuinely care about. But there's a difference in doing it because you're a man of values, good intentions and integrity vs. a needy man who's looking to do favors in exchange for her love/sex. The latter can't be bought.

As for women losing attraction (in committed relationships) because you do favors for them, it's only when you feel that your favors will somehow prove to her your value. That's not why you should do them. Your favors should come with no strings attached. If you can't do that don't do those favors. As an example I maintain my own cars so if I replace the brake pads for my wife's car (or a LTR gf) it's no big deal, it's just something I do anyway and enjoy the process. If I did it because that would get me redeemable points in bed there's something majorly wrong with that picture. Sex and love can never be bought for either gender, people share them when they feel the same way about each other.[/QUOTE
I was already sleeping with her. I expected her to show gratitude whenever things improved. In the meanwhile I wanted to continue our routine : seeing each other on the weekends.
 

HankHill

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#14
I helped cuz I cared for her and she had been so kind to me the past year, buying me **** . I did expect us to get closer and for her to show appreciation. We were on and off cuz I travelled out of state a lot but I don’t travel anymore and we started seeing each other more and I wanted to make it official. So much for that lol.
Bingo!
I know what you mean because I've been there, done that too as most other people here. However, it just doesn't work that way. She has to want to get closer to you too if she doesn't you'll come across as needy and every favor you do will also be tainted and seen that way which will naturally push her further away. When you chase a cat, she runs. You can keep running after her all through your neighborhood but she's only going to run faster. Or you can let her realize that you provide her safety, love etc...only then SHE will come to you. In other words NEVER chase women or they'll run straight into the arms of the other guy (and there's almost always one in the picture).
 
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HankHill

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#16
I was already sleeping with her. I


I was already sleeping with her. I expected her to show gratitude whenever things improved. In the meanwhile I wanted to continue our routine : seeing each other on the weekends.
That's neediness though i.e. strings attached to the said favors.
 

marmel75

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#17
I was already sleeping with her. I


I was already sleeping with her. I expected her to show gratitude whenever things improved. In the meanwhile I wanted to continue our routine : seeing each other on the weekends.
It doesn't work like that dude. You gave her money with the expectation of getting something from her in return---namely a commitment which in itself is ass backwards because SHE should be the one pushing for that NOT YOU.

That's the crux of the problem and why things went badly for you.
 

Sandmale

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#18
I don’t
It doesn't work like that dude. You gave her money with the expectation of getting something from her in return---namely a commitment which in itself is ass backwards because SHE should be the one pushing for that NOT YOU.

That's the crux of the problem and why things went badly for you.
What could I do to turn things around in theory? NC and be calm and flirty when we talk again ? I know it might not be the best idea to date her again I’m just curious as to how you guys would go about it using the principles you’ve learned on this forum.
 

lamath

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#19
I don’t


What could I do to turn things around in theory? NC and be calm and flirty when we talk again ? I know it might not be the best idea to date her again I’m just curious as to how you guys would go about it using the principles you’ve learned on this forum.

NC
ignore her dont anwser txt,call or msg.
Delete everything you got on her phone, social network etc.

You were too needy time to let her know you have some standard and wont be treated like this
 

marmel75

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#20
I don’t


What could I do to turn things around in theory? NC and be calm and flirty when we talk again ? I know it might not be the best idea to date her again I’m just curious as to how you guys would go about it using the principles you’ve learned on this forum.
Bro let me explain something to you. Once you have been with someone for an extended period of time and they know who you really are, this "oh I'm going to start acting different" stuff doesn't work because she knows its just that, an act.

She will throw the bait out there and you will thristily take it and then she will know its all a charade. Tigers dont change their stripes.

No bro, you lick your wounds, learn from your mistakes and dont make them again with the next women.
 
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