Tough Love Needed - Analysis Of Situation

[plumber]

your question is why does it matter you ? you know logically that it should not matter, but it does. well, she successfully convinced you that she VERY much approves of you. now she has changed that and has TOLD you that she approves of someone else instead.

she was able to cut straight through your emotions. the other posts here have explained the logistics. what your feeling is that she got through to your emotional core. take a deep breath and refocus... you know how.

 

[Clockwerk50]

^^OK, gotcha. I thought you were at least considering it because of what you posted below in your opening post.



My thought being why would you ask her out if you didn't want to go back? Or considering it?

Anywho, tnx for clarifying.

Not to write another wall of text, but it is just inappropriate and the wrong timing. My expectation was that her life would stay relatively constant for a while, but hearing that it had changed threw me off balance. I was engulfed by impatience, being concerned only with my own pleasure, being self-focused, and some egoism. I could have done better with that Tuesday call but whatever.

Anyways, the right frame of mind is to not only wish her the best, but to be happy that she is adamant about starting the proceedings and hopefully ending her chaotic life with something happier. That's the mindset I need to get back to.

This is why journaling and writing stuff like this is helpful.

 

[BillyPilgrim]

Not to write another wall of text, but it is just inappropriate and the wrong timing. My expectation was that her life would stay relatively constant for a while, but hearing that it had changed threw me off balance. I was engulfed by impatience, being concerned only with my own pleasure, being self-focused, and some egoism. I could have done better with that Tuesday call but whatever.

Anyways, the right frame of mind is to not only wish her the best, but to be happy that she is adamant about starting the proceedings and hopefully ending her chaotic life with something happier. That's the mindset I need to get back to.

This is why journaling and writing stuff like this is helpful.

If you have the time, maybe consider taking a trip out to the countryside, get in touch with nature for a bit.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

True, I don't know for certain. Based on her behaviour throughout the affair, I never had a reason to believe she was or is lying to me. In fact, I would describe her as vindictive, so the fact that she maintained this situationship for over a year, rearranged her work and home schedule around it, was patient with all the **** I put her through, and never tried to get revenge makes me think she was being honest with me.



The affair was always supposed to have an expiration date. The idea that I might marry her if she got divorced in 15 years was just extremely unlikely breadcrumbing on my part. She may have seen it as destiny or poetic, but the odds were always against it, but it extended the relationship lifespan for as long as it did.

You are right that I eventually got bored and exhausted with the logistics. Her schedule was always open while mine wasn't, and after the separation, I had no feelings for her and didn't care about staying in touch. Hence, I kept things friendly and maintained some contact in case her circumstances changed and reconnecting became an option.

What changed is that there is now another guy in the picture, and my brain is reacting to that differently. That's really the point of the post: I'm trying to understand that “reptilian brain” reaction and how to rewire it. I can still remember exactly why I got tired of the relationship, and realistically, rekindling it would be a logistical nightmare and inappropriate as of today.



Yes, for personal reasons and because of her situation, I kept my distance. It was never going to become anything official, and I wasn't going to do the BF-type things like weekends together for various reasons. She did said I made her happy in contrast to her distavorous life, even though the arrangement was what it was. I even told her that if she wanted something like that, there would be men more than happy to do it, but she wanted me to do those things with her. Regardless, I did care about her, and I still do. I asked her those questions because I genuinely wanted to know how she was doing, and I am glad she is getting a divorce rather than continuing to live in an unhappy situation.

However, I don't want her back, though. As I wrote to Barrister, it would still be a logistically terrible and the wrong situation for me because what I can offer right now is essentially the same as what I could offer a year ago, and again is not only not exciting but also exhausting and already done before. You are right, and I did think about this too, the new guy may be offering her the commitment and support through the divorce that I can't provide, and she finally decided to take the plunge, even if it takes 2 years. I mostly provide the good times throughout all my relationships.

So yes, I think ego is probably part of it. Maybe jealousy or not being needed anymore. It does look like she is building a new foundation for her life, and I should be happy for her. Hopefully writing this down and hearing other people's perspectives will help me put those emotions into perspective, move on, and stop the unnecessary texting and contact unless she wants to.

Thank you all for the rest of the responses.

Just let it go and focus on something worthwhile. That's always what has helped me. Pour your time and energy back into yourself in ways that get you further towards what you want to accomplish.

 

[SpartanWarrior77]

Don't have a lot of time to respond to this but I laudhed out loud when I read the part about how you started getting more interested ONCE another guy came in and she stopped being as responsive to you. Its amazing how the love triangle dynamic can work even on guys who are players and have "abundance". I'm not judging u brother, I've been there myself. That feeling snuck up on me a few times too, I think that feeling triply powerful on women though....Good lesson. But the strongest word for a player is NEXT, move on home boy.

 

[Clockwerk50]

I was doing some reading, and after a separation, there are basically three pathways to its conclusion: no contact, friendship, or getting back together.

Even though she was receptive to the friendship pathway, we continued staying in touch as we normally would as friends of the opposite sex, and I did most of the initiating throughout that time. The problem with this pathway is that everything works fine until someone starts dating someone new. It is not sustainable staying somewhere in between when you know why you went your separate ways, but you are still watching from the sidelines as their life continues without you. Feelings can get hurt when the other person starts dating someone new, even if you thought you were fine with the friendship. I literally still had a string attached to her through pointless, low-value interactions and catching up, and I thought I was doing something out of goodwill, maybe because of guilt or a sense of responsibility, until her life moved on for the better. In the end, I was unknowingly shooting myself in the foot. I thought I would be unaffected once she moved on, but obviously that wasn’t the case. Nonetheless, it looks like my job is done.

UPDATE: Anyways, I called her yesterday to close the book. I told her I was proud of her for moving forward with the decision. She reiterated that it was a long way from the peak and that she was still at the bottom of the mountain. I told her that I’m glad she is happy, that she is strong and determined, that she will get it done, and that I still want the best for her because I still care regardless. She said that is a normal feeling after everything we went through and that she knows there is no ill will between us. I spat some game, but I was again relegated to the friendzone, and she left for a meeting with her team. Three minutes later, she sent a text saying, “FYI - [Image] - testing new system,” which I hearted.

With that said, and those professional and friendship boundaries in place, today is day 1 of no contact, and the story is done. So much experience in the game, and every day you learn something new. At least I know what not to do, understand the three pathways, and know what to expect in the future.

Thanks everyone for letting me vent and your input. I appreciate it.

 

[BeExcellent]

I too think no contact going forward is the wise path for you. You'll always feel a certain fondness for her but you must refocus and move on.

Chalk it up to developing desire/feelings for someone unattainable. Her marriage required discretion on your part and a full relationship could not blossom. You caught feelings anyway in part because you didn't think it would ever actually develop, so in that sense the emotional connection that derived from being lovers was safe territory; you held her at arm's length but grew feelings anyway, and now you percieve, right or wrong, that the new guy is somehow more worth going forward with the divorce.

But of course you don't know. Her husband might have decided he wants out, something may have blown up in the family, who knows. She moght feel new guy is more commitment material, whatever.

Really it doesn't matter. New guy doesn't trust her around you because he has been appraised of the history, IF everything she says is true. She is not trust worthy.

More trouble than its worth. Pick a less drama enmeshed woman & think about why you picked a woman with this much drama to spend 2 years of your life with.

Your feelings will fade in time. No contact is the best path as you have already concluded.

 

[pipeman84]

I read the OP and it baffled me ... like, why would you complicate your life like that?

Her whole deal was that she just wanted a superficial sexual relationship, but after I told her that I saw her as more than sex, she eventually saw me as more than that.

Her background here is that she is married. It took me almost a whole year for her to tell me the whole story, but her husband cheated on her twice.

You want more than sex with a woman who is married ... like what? You shouldn't even want that, leave a married woman alone, that's a no brainer. It's unclear from your post if it took almost a year to tell you she's married or that she has a messed up marriage (at least according to her story). You decide which one is worse.

 

[Clockwerk50]

I read the OP and it baffled me ... like, why would you complicate your life like that?

You want more than sex with a woman who is married ... like what? You shouldn't even want that, leave a married woman alone, that's a no brainer. It's unclear from your post if it took almost a year to tell you she's married or that she has a messed up marriage (at least according to her story). You decide which one is worse.

You clearly didn’t read my post.