True, I don't know for certain. Based on her behaviour throughout the affair, I never had a reason to believe she was or is lying to me. In fact, I would describe her as vindictive, so the fact that she maintained this situationship for over a year, rearranged her work and home schedule around it, was patient with all the **** I put her through, and never tried to get revenge makes me think she was being honest with me.
The affair was always supposed to have an expiration date. The idea that I might marry her if she got divorced in 15 years was just extremely unlikely breadcrumbing on my part. She may have seen it as destiny or poetic, but the odds were always against it, but it extended the relationship lifespan for as long as it did.
You are right that I eventually got bored and exhausted with the logistics. Her schedule was always open while mine wasn't, and after the separation, I had no feelings for her and didn't care about staying in touch. Hence, I kept things friendly and maintained some contact in case her circumstances changed and reconnecting became an option.
What changed is that there is now another guy in the picture, and my brain is reacting to that differently. That's really the point of the post: I'm trying to understand that “reptilian brain” reaction and how to rewire it. I can still remember exactly why I got tired of the relationship, and realistically, rekindling it would be a logistical nightmare and inappropriate as of today.
Yes, for personal reasons and because of her situation, I kept my distance. It was never going to become anything official, and I wasn't going to do the BF-type things like weekends together for various reasons. She did said I made her happy in contrast to her distavorous life, even though the arrangement was what it was. I even told her that if she wanted something like that, there would be men more than happy to do it, but she wanted me to do those things with her. Regardless, I did care about her, and I still do. I asked her those questions because I genuinely wanted to know how she was doing, and I am glad she is getting a divorce rather than continuing to live in an unhappy situation.
However, I don't want her back, though. As I wrote to Barrister, it would still be a logistically terrible and the wrong situation for me because what I can offer right now is essentially the same as what I could offer a year ago, and again is not only not exciting but also exhausting and already done before. You are right, and I did think about this too, the new guy may be offering her the commitment and support through the divorce that I can't provide, and she finally decided to take the plunge, even if it takes 2 years. I mostly provide the good times throughout all my relationships.
So yes, I think ego is probably part of it. Maybe jealousy or not being needed anymore. It does look like she is building a new foundation for her life, and I should be happy for her. Hopefully writing this down and hearing other people's perspectives will help me put those emotions into perspective, move on, and stop the unnecessary texting and contact unless she wants to.
Thank you all for the rest of the responses.
