NC – Day 18
I can't believe I have to keep doing this. But I'm committed to what I say, and I usually finish what I start, so here's this week's journal. As always, these are thoughts from last week.
Story time
I’m putting this here to look at the situation objectively rather than emotionally. Back in July 2025, two employees from a company, whom I believe were the CEO and an HR manager, were caught having an affair at a Coldplay concert. The picture went viral, and I believe both of them ruined their professional and personal lives.
My situation came to a head about a month later. Seeing that story didn't make me paranoid or panic, and I hadn't suddenly developed a conscience or new morals. I was simply realizing the importance of discretion.
To be fair, I had already started being more cautious and easing off the gas for several reasons. On the other hand, she was becoming less like a lover and more like a girlfriend, and I guess I was losing attraction as a result. She wanted to take pictures together, see me twice a week, go to a Blue Jays game, go dancing, and go on dates at places like the mall in broad daylight. She also did some icky things the last time we were together that I don’t want to get into. She thought the Coldplay incident was “funny” and didn’t see anything wrong with it, yet she was taking more risks with our privacy.
Our arrangement was to see each other once a week. The day before she was leaving for a week-long family trip, she wanted to see me on Friday, even though I had already seen her on Monday. I couldn’t go because my internet went down, and I had to wait for a technician.
After nagging, complaining, and threatening to send a breakup text, she eventually sent one saying she was going to “step back” and leave her phone back home, even though she ended up taking it. My position was that if she wanted all those things, I was not the right man for her. I accepted her decision and let things end there. I wanted to avoid resentment, grudges, or revenge and leave things on good terms.
After all, the arrangement was supposed to have an expiration date, and being cruel was never my intention.
Even when she came back twice to “be on the same page,” I was already leaning toward moving on. Ending things meant fewer responsibilities, fewer people to take care of, and less running around to see her.
These feelings resurfaced last month, but thankfully, things are getting better.
Physical and Personal Life
The first week was rough. I drank a lot, took a couple of days off work, and had little motivation. I’m still struggling to sleep properly so I am taking a mix of melatonin-ashwagandha pill. I haven’t been to the gym in about two weeks, and I feel like I’ve lost some of my gains. I weigh 168 lbs, and while my chin still looks “shizzled,” my body looks skinny-fat. I feel like I’ve lost muscle, and my hips and lower back seem to be accumulating fat, which I suspect is related to all the liquor I drank. My strength has also dropped. I'm thinking that by Wednesday, I'll have finished everything I've put off over the last two weeks and can start going back to the gym.
Even though I have no issues attracting women, I might need to take some time off dating and get my life in order. I’ve been careless over the past year and haven't made enough progress toward my goals. First, I need to get my finances in order. I've said many times on here that I'm terrible with money. Second, I need to buy a new car next year, after the winter. Mine is literally covered in rust. The good thing is that it's paid off, and I plan to drive it into the ground. However, I'm tired of people telling me I need a new car. The alternative would be financing or leasing one, which would mean another monthly payment.
Third, I need to think about my job and why I've become so unmotivated. Most of my work involves delegating tasks and making sure they're done correctly, so I need to figure out what to do next.
I’m thinking of posting a body pic at New Year’s, but I haven’t made up my mind yet.
Next week, I’ll work on a more concrete plan.