The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[Avocadow]

How long were you in this relationship? Twice a month isn’t bad and you did flag longer term plans. I don’t think its loss of attraction. She might have had a low interest level to begin with or there maybe someone else closer to home, which is another indication of low interest.

i guess she rationalized it by think that the lockdowns and quarantines usually for 14 days now if you go to another country meant that it may be awhile for you two to get together again.

The mutual value thing is incorrect . You obviously valued her more and wanted to go on despite the current situation. Again it goes back to interest level. You had a higher interest level than her. I mean you could have thought the same and said ‘well screw it...I wasn’t in too her that much anyway, so this gives me a chance to end it’. At the end it comes to you liking her more than you. That’s not your fault though.
Maybe you could have played some games, like being aloof, unavailable and that may have increased her attraction to you but if her interest level came from a low base, this wouldn't have made a huge difference.

My advice is just try and forget it. Easier said than done but you have to. Delete her number and pictures and anything else that reminds you of her. Importantly try and do something so you don’t think about her.

I guarantee you all will be good in a few months.

We were together 9 months meeting every 3 weeks on average.

I would honestly say her interest was high for the first 6-7 months. Only last month was low/ colder which was the time she felt sick ( and this I believe was true). However she also started seeing me differently and told herself a different story as our interactions last month and a half were colder, she would still have oneday a week where she would show her old self. I really thought it was due to her mood not feelinggood health and locked home. I did pull away.

I think her interest level on average was good, it would raise when in person and sex...gradually go down when 2/3 weeks apart. Maybe she did find someone else online or maybe the pandemic took away any chance of short term adventures together. The way she spoke/ looked at me last month was like someone quite cold, really different person.There was chemistry in person but I guess she realised this was not going to get better and prob worse.
I appreciate your thoughts man.

 

[mikey2012]

We were together 9 months meeting every 3 weeks on average.

I would honestly say her interest was high for the first 6-7 months. Only last month was low/ colder which was the time she felt sick ( and this I believe was true). However she also started seeing me differently and told herself a different story as our interactions last month and a half were colder, she would still have oneday a week where she would show her old self. I really thought it was due to her mood not feelinggood health and locked home. I did pull away.

I think her interest level on average was good, it would raise when in person and sex...gradually go down when 2/3 weeks apart. Maybe she did find someone else online or maybe the pandemic took away any chance of short term adventures together. The way she spoke/ looked at me last month was like someone quite cold, really different person.There was chemistry in person but I guess she realised this was not going to get better and prob worse.
I appreciate your thoughts man.

Actually I know how you feel. I’m going through a similar situation myself. The relationship dynamics and timeline are similar. My gut tells me there is someone else. I’ve had a lot of experience as I am twice divorced. The sudden coldness is usually because there is another guy in the picture and I’ve been on both sides. Most probably she is also intimate with the other guy. She is cold to you because she is trying to get rid of you. There’s nothing you can do to salvage the situation. Calling her out, ask her why she is doing this or even any relationship talk is futile. At the end of the day, relationships don’t last. She wasn’t into you as you were into her so she bounced. It may have been the other way around.
The only thing you can do now in drinking parlance is an “English exit`’. Don’t say anything. Not even goodbye , good luck, take care. `There‘s no point. Just vanish. Block her number. This is very important . If you don’t you keep looking at your phone. Blocking her number means you won’t be doing this and it will be easier to forget.
Next steps are work on yourself. Go to the gym. Take a up a new hobby. Go out with friends if you can. ah I forgot we are still living in the COVID lie.
I’m sorry this didn’t work out for you. I know it’s hurting but continued contact will prolong the pain. Relationships are never balanced. She had the power because you cared more. Nothing you can do.
Best thing to do is to get on with your life. This wont be the last time.
I guarantee you, if you come back to this thread in a few years, you would be wondering what the big deal is about. Even the thought of her getting gang banged will have zero effect on you.

 

[Mike41090]

so I’ve been around 6 months of complete no contact since the second she broke up with me. We share a lot of mutual friends and I’ve barely uttered a peep to them about the break up and let them find out on their own. About a week ago she texted me for the first time sending condolences about a family member that passed away. I Just said much appreciated. Then she asked how I’m doing and what not and I kept it light but very brief and very short and made sure it was less than a five min exchange. I dk I’m kinda a little pissed she even hit me up like that because I can’t not respond to someone wanting to pay thier respects to a serious situation like that right? Anyways I plan on continuing no contact (even though I guess I broke it under circumstances).

 

[Lynx nkaf]

so I’ve been around 6 months of complete no contact since the second she broke up with me. We share a lot of mutual friends and I’ve barely uttered a peep to them about the break up and let them find out on their own. About a week ago she texted me for the first time sending condolences about a family member that passed away. I Just said much appreciated. Then she asked how I’m doing and what not and I kept it light but very brief and very short and made sure it was less than a five min exchange. I dk I’m kinda a little pissed she even hit me up like that because I can’t not respond to someone wanting to pay thier respects to a serious situation like that right? Anyways I plan on continuing no contact (even though I guess I broke it under circumstances).

don't sweat it, you handled yourself good.

an ex got ahold of me 11 years later to wish me condolences on a death in family.
After googling my name they saw the obituary. I let 4 phone calls each progressively longer until I realised they were seeking validation. (no mistaking it)

I changed my number, lol!!

 

[Mike41090]

don't sweat it, you handled yourself good.

an ex got ahold of me 11 years later to wish me condolences on a death in family.
After googling my name they saw the obituary. I let 4 phone calls each progressively longer until I realised they were seeking validation. (no mistaking it)

I changed my number, lol!!

Jeez, an ex seeking validation 11 years later through a death in your family? Some people just really never change with stunts like that. I honestly find that more sad than anything lol not even joking

 

[Lynx nkaf]

Jeez, an ex seeking validation 11 years later through a death in your family? Some people just really never change with stunts like that. I honestly find that more sad than anything lol not even joking

I did too.

Its amazing how they suck you back in. The compliments, talking about old sex life, insisting you were special to them.

But then what? Within those 4 phone calls I began to see the old personality traits I didn't approve of. Or I should say, accept.
My pity was triggered because I thought they must be desperate after 11 years.

I have to watch how I react to my feelings of pity that come up, especially that type of scenario from the past.

 

[bcude]

so I’ve been around 6 months of complete no contact since the second she broke up with me. We share a lot of mutual friends and I’ve barely uttered a peep to them about the break up and let them find out on their own. About a week ago she texted me for the first time sending condolences about a family member that passed away. I Just said much appreciated. Then she asked how I’m doing and what not and I kept it light but very brief and very short and made sure it was less than a five min exchange. I dk I’m kinda a little pissed she even hit me up like that because I can’t not respond to someone wanting to pay thier respects to a serious situation like that right? Anyways I plan on continuing no contact (even though I guess I broke it under circumstances).

Hey Mike,
You also had the option to blatantly ignore her. That's what No Contact really is, except if you're entertaining something with her again in the future. If so, i think it was handled well. I understand your frustration but you've to realise when women break up they more often than not try to hit you up indirectly because of fear and to avoid rejection, even if they just wanna see how you're doing and get some validation that you still like her. So it doesn't surprise me that she "used" this opportunity to hit you up to check the temperature.
For example, my ex pretended to have butt dialed me by mistake 4 months later, which was so improbable that i found it hilarious which i think she noticed but i saw it for what it was and then the same occured. She wanted to know everything about me, which was her plan all along.

You can use your anger to fuel getting over her, but in the end it will only hurt yourself being pissed about something nonsensical like that.

 

[Mike41090]

Hey Mike,
You also had the option to blatantly ignore her. That's what No Contact really is, except if you're entertaining something with her again in the future. If so, i think it was handled well. I understand your frustration but you've to realise when women break up they more often than not try to hit you up indirectly because of fear and to avoid rejection, even if they just wanna see how you're doing and get some validation that you still like her. So it doesn't surprise me that she "used" this opportunity to hit you up to check the temperature.
For example, my ex pretended to have butt dialed me by mistake 4 months later, which was so improbable that i found it hilarious which i think she noticed but i saw it for what it was and then the same occured. She wanted to know everything about me, which was her plan all along.

You can use your anger to fuel getting over her, but in the end it will only hurt yourself being pissed about something nonsensical like that.

Yeah I felt like I handled it well. It kinda sucks though because this summer, once everything presumeably opens back up, I will most likely run into her at local spots since it’s a small neighborhood. Really would prefer to never see her again and her not see me but what are ya gonna do right?

 

[RyanMan]

So I’ve been doing this myself (I decided to give myself 6 months before I even saw this thread) as a choice since my last girlfriend split up with me.

Bit of background... We’d been going out several months, got on great & the sex was amazing. Looking back now, I can see the problems were:

A) She’d been single a long time & enjoyed a lot of her own time

B) My main previous girlfriend before her had criticised me for not making enough effort to see her, so I decided I wouldn’t make that mistake this time (BIG mistake! I ‘thought’ I was making the effort to see her more, but looking back now it came across as I was always wanting to see her)

C) I’d been recently laid off & had a lot of free time while I set up my new Business, so I thought I’d make the effort to see her now as I’d be so busy later (again, likely looked clingy!)

I said we should split up in December as she was basically too busy to see me, hoping she’d use that as a spur for her to want me properly. She agreed, not what I wanted to hear ha! She said she was too busy for dating & I said let’s see how things are in the new year.

In the meantime I dated other women, slept with a few but realised I still missed her. We went out again early Feb, had sex but afterwards she said the same, didn’t want anything proper at the time.

Carried on other women still, messaged her mid-March as I had tickets for a gin festival where she said it sounds fun, but she is in early stages of a relationship with a guy she knew & it just happened, so didn’t think it’d be appropriate (if she’s really seeing someone or just saying it who knows, but he definitely wasn’t the reason we split up & would not have been around till later)

My sister was pretty ill at the time so I was unfortunately emotionally fragile at the time, & stupidly told her I was crushed (I know, I know!), but not that my sister was ill. She said the sex was amazing but she couldn’t put her finger on why we hadn’t clicked.

I told her it was because I appeared too clingy, which is awkward because I’m not like that.
We agreed we should stay friends, and I figured I’d give myself 6 weeks to sort my **** out & give her enough time to miss me.

Anyway more than 2 months have just gone by on Sun & I haven’t contacted her, but 2 months to the date (last Sun) she deleted me from her Facebook, which I’ll be honest really hurt.

We never actually communicated on Facebook / liked each other’s posts etc, but I kinda wanted her to see how good my life was going ha. What would you all do now?

She’s not blocked me, we’re still friends on whatsapp but I’m pretty hurt. My sister has since died so ive been upset there, but I’ve never been more popular with women. I slept with one the other night, but I was still thinking about my ex then.

I feel I’m doing everything I should but don’t feel any better, I still miss her. Would you still leave it till October time to message, or send a brief funny ping text now? I’m inclined to leave it till the end of the year, but wanted you guys to weigh in with the Coronavirus lockdown as it’s changed dating habits here in the UK especially.

Additionally I have her mates email as she offered to get me a job at her place in Jan. Should I
A) Not message her at all
B) Ask if there’s jobs available and randomly at the end, how’s Clare (my ex)
C) Ask about jobs & make small talk but not mention the ex at all

I have never thought to speak to an ex’s mate before (and never would if it was left to me!), but as I have the details I wondered if any of you pro’s have any thoughts of that?

I’m just wondering the best way forward for me now basically. If we do go out again I know exactly what to do right this time, it’s just letting enough time go by to try and reset things / make her remember my positives & if she is single now ha.

 

[Mike41090]

So I’ve been doing this myself (I decided to give myself 6 months before I even saw this thread) as a choice since my last girlfriend split up with me.

Bit of background... We’d been going out several months, got on great & the sex was amazing. Looking back now, I can see the problems were:

A) She’d been single a long time & enjoyed a lot of her own time

B) My main previous girlfriend before her had criticised me for not making enough effort to see her, so I decided I wouldn’t make that mistake this time (BIG mistake! I ‘thought’ I was making the effort to see her more, but looking back now it came across as I was always wanting to see her)

C) I’d been recently laid off & had a lot of free time while I set up my new Business, so I thought I’d make the effort to see her now as I’d be so busy later (again, likely looked clingy!)

I said we should split up in December as she was basically too busy to see me, hoping she’d use that as a spur for her to want me properly. She agreed, not what I wanted to hear ha! She said she was too busy for dating & I said let’s see how things are in the new year.

In the meantime I dated other women, slept with a few but realised I still missed her. We went out again early Feb, had sex but afterwards she said the same, didn’t want anything proper at the time.

Carried on other women still, messaged her mid-March as I had tickets for a gin festival where she said it sounds fun, but she is in early stages of a relationship with a guy she knew & it just happened, so didn’t think it’d be appropriate (if she’s really seeing someone or just saying it who knows, but he definitely wasn’t the reason we split up & would not have been around till later)

My sister was pretty ill at the time so I was unfortunately emotionally fragile at the time, & stupidly told her I was crushed (I know, I know!), but not that my sister was ill. She said the sex was amazing but she couldn’t put her finger on why we hadn’t clicked.

I told her it was because I appeared too clingy, which is awkward because I’m not like that.
We agreed we should stay friends, and I figured I’d give myself 6 weeks to sort my **** out & give her enough time to miss me.

Anyway more than 2 months have just gone by on Sun & I haven’t contacted her, but 2 months to the date (last Sun) she deleted me from her Facebook, which I’ll be honest really hurt.

We never actually communicated on Facebook / liked each other’s posts etc, but I kinda wanted her to see how good my life was going ha. What would you all do now?

She’s not blocked me, we’re still friends on whatsapp but I’m pretty hurt. My sister has since died so ive been upset there, but I’ve never been more popular with women. I slept with one the other night, but I was still thinking about my ex then.

I feel I’m doing everything I should but don’t feel any better, I still miss her. Would you still leave it till October time to message, or send a brief funny ping text now? I’m inclined to leave it till the end of the year, but wanted you guys to weigh in with the Coronavirus lockdown as it’s changed dating habits here in the UK especially.

Additionally I have her mates email as she offered to get me a job at her place in Jan. Should I
A) Not message her at all
B) Ask if there’s jobs available and randomly at the end, how’s Clare (my ex)
C) Ask about jobs & make small talk but not mention the ex at all

I have never thought to speak to an ex’s mate before (and never would if it was left to me!), but as I have the details I wondered if any of you pro’s have any thoughts of that?

I’m just wondering the best way forward for me now basically. If we do go out again I know exactly what to do right this time, it’s just letting enough time go by to try and reset things / make her remember my positives & if she is single now ha.

Seems like low interest dude to be honest. The only way she’d ever come back to you is if you not reach out to her ever. She would have to be the one to reach out to you. And even then, it’s almost always to check your temperature. Happened to me with a lot of girls I’ve dumped and been dumped by. Crazy how a lot of them are very similar in this manner. Just my two cents

 

[RyanMan]

Seems like low interest dude to be honest. The only way she’d ever come back to you is if you not reach out to her ever. She would have to be the one to reach out to you. And even then, it’s almost always to check your temperature. Happened to me with a lot of girls I’ve dumped and been dumped by. Crazy how a lot of them are very similar in this manner. Just my two cents

Hey, you’re right I suppose it could be that. I mean I never got that impression when we went out, in fact she seemed pretty keen but she had just started a new job as well and was working away, she genuinely seemed pretty busy. And even when we weren’t going out in December/Jan she was still texting me then just in general talk.

Like you say, you think I should leave it & see if she messages me at some point (which I could see), another ex did that a few days back actually!

I’m not so much bothered by us not talking right now even if I’m missing her, I’m just trying to work out if I can take advantage of this once in a lifetime Coronavirus lockdown & ping now (especially as she’s been unable to go out too) or wait another 6 months or so (IF I’m single then)

 

[Mike41090]

Hey, you’re right I suppose it could be that. I mean I never got that impression when we went out, in fact she seemed pretty keen but she had just started a new job as well and was working away, she genuinely seemed pretty busy. And even when we weren’t going out in December/Jan she was still texting me then just in general talk.

I’m not so much bothered by us not talking right now even if I’m missing her, I’m just trying to work out if I should ping now & if I can take advantage of this Coronavirus lockdown or in 6 months (IF I’m single then)

Like you say, you think I should leave it & see if she messages me at some point (which I could see), another ex did that a few weeks back actually!

You should absolutely not contact her. My ex broke up with me six months ago, I also dated her a few years ago as well. After both break ups I’ve been consistently going to the gym 6x a week, am very cut and borderline ripped (I just need to eat some more to put on a little bit of more muscle- 5’11 180 lbs). Every time she dumped me I’ve basically had a fire inside of me to be the best I can be, but it will never be enough, I’m simply not her long term ideal type. The worst part is I always get with better looking girls after we break up that are very much into me but this ex is legit glued to my brain like you have no idea lol. It took me this long to realize that she just isn’t as into me as I would like her to be. And that is super hard to accept because I personally feel like I check any girls check box, but that is very unrealistic. This one is going to be very hard to let go but I know it’s the right move. And I believe you know letting this one go is the right move as well but your scared of feeling emotionally uncomfortable in my opinion, because that’s what I’m feeling at the moment too to be honest. My dignity and self respect REFUSES to reach out to her. I will not give her the benefit of the doubt of seeing me grovel or seem bent outta shape about her. I do not want to exist in her world whatsoever. And I recommend you do the same for your own good.

 

[Mike41090]

You should absolutely not contact her. My ex broke up with me six months ago, I also dated her a few years ago as well. After both break ups I’ve been consistently going to the gym 6x a week, am very cut and borderline ripped (I just need to eat some more to put on a little bit of more muscle- 5’11 180 lbs). Every time she dumped me I’ve basically had a fire inside of me to be the best I can be, but it will never be enough, I’m simply not her long term ideal type. The worst part is I always get with better looking girls after we break up that are very much into me but this ex is legit glued to my brain like you have no idea lol. It took me this long to realize that she just isn’t as into me as I would like her to be. And that is super hard to accept because I personally feel like I check any girls check box, but that is very unrealistic. This one is going to be very hard to let go but I know it’s the right move. And I believe you know letting this one go is the right move as well but your scared of feeling emotionally uncomfortable in my opinion, because that’s what I’m feeling at the moment too to be honest. My dignity and self respect REFUSES to reach out to her. I will not give her the benefit of the doubt of seeing me grovel or seem bent outta shape about her. I do not want to exist in her world whatsoever. And I recommend you do the same for your own good.

Do not wait on this girl to reach out. She knows what your about and will reach out if she wants. Just
Move on

 

[bcude]

Hey RyanMan,
You should be grieving your sister, not thinking about women right now tbh.
This one is just not interested in you unfortunately.

She said she was too busy for dating & I said let’s see how things are in the new year.

This means she's busy to date YOU in particular. Do you think she would be saying the same to Brad Pitt? No, an interested woman is too busy dating YOU if anyone else is asking anything.

messaged her mid-March as I had tickets for a gin festival where she said it sounds fun, but she is in early stages of a relationship with a guy she knew

And here we have the confirmation that she suddenly wasn't too busy to date another guy.

Anyway more than 2 months have just gone by on Sun & I haven’t contacted her, but 2 months to the date (last Sun) she deleted me from her Facebook, which I’ll be honest really hurt.

Eventhough facebook is not important, especially for men.
This is just sending a clear message to you.

Just leave her be for now and if she'll come to you then you're in a better position to make something happen.
It's perfectly normal to miss her, it will get better with time. Realise that rejection breeds obsession and that we tend to want things that we can't have, especially when feelings are involved.

 

[RyanMan]

Hey RyanMan,
You should be grieving your sister, not thinking about women right now tbh.
This one is just not interested in you unfortunately.


This means she's busy to date YOU in particular. Do you think she would be saying the same to Brad Pitt? No, an interested woman is too busy dating YOU if anyone else is asking anything.


And here we have the confirmation that she suddenly wasn't too busy to date another guy.



Eventhough facebook is not important, especially for men.
This is just sending a clear message to you.

Just leave her be for now and if she'll come to you then you're in a better position to make something happen.
It's perfectly normal to miss her, it will get better with time. Realise that rejection breeds obsession and that we tend to want things that we can't have, especially when feelings are involved.

Thanks for the advice guys, kinda what I thought but deep down you always want to hear what you want to be told, you know. It’s rather ironic as one of the women I’ve dated since used to date one of the biggest pop stars in the UK (& a former England football captain, till she found out he was married!), it really opened my eyes to my self worth.

Im not in a good place right now with what happened to my sister like you say, I haven’t even processed it or started to grieve properly yet (and kinda hoped focusing on my ex meant I wouldn’t have to confront the fact I haven’t even been able to get my head round my sister not being here any more)

I honestly think if I leave things she will reach out, though when I don’t know. And I’m certainly not waiting for her, I’m focusing on myself in the meantime (just hoped I could use this lockdown to my advantage somehow!)

Thanks again for listening guys, it means a lot! And if anyone else has any more tips I’d love to hear them.

 

[bcude]

Your head seems to be in the right place RyanMan. I'm no expert in grieving but i can quite comfortably say that avoiding such a painful loss is not the right way, it will re-surface when you least expect it. Allow yourself to be sad and go through the different stages of grief and close the chapter properly. You will be better off in the long run.

And back to your initial question. Space and time work the best on women to make them wonder about you, question themselves etc. eventhough it doesn't make sense to distance yourself when you care for someone, but be confident in that.

 

[RyanMan]

Your head seems to be in the right place RyanMan. I'm no expert in grieving but i can quite comfortably say that avoiding such a painful loss is not the right way, it will re-surface when you least expect it. Allow yourself to be sad and go through the different stages of grief and close the chapter properly. You will be better off in the long run.

And back to your initial question. Space and time work the best on women to make them wonder about you, question themselves etc. eventhough it doesn't make sense to distance yourself when you care for someone, but be confident in that.

Thanks SO much for this, these are all great reminders and just what I needed to hear. The fact I’m in lockdown and can’t see the rest of my family is making it even harder, but it’s genuinely a help to remind me to grieve for her.

And I’m so relieved you said that about my ex as well! I was only worried there may have been some opportunity I’d missed almost with this lockdown & knew you guys would know the right things. Truthfully I don’t even want to see her for a while longer while I keep working on myself. In the past I would have reacted rashly & emotionally, the fact I planned to leave it ‘at least’ 6 months even before seeing this thread makes me feel I’m finally growing as a person. Thanks again!

 

[Mike41090]

Thanks SO much for this, these are all great reminders and just what I needed to hear. The fact I’m in lockdown and can’t see the rest of my family is making it even harder, but it’s genuinely a help to remind me to grieve for her.

And I’m so relieved you said that about my ex as well! I was only worried there may have been some opportunity I’d missed almost with this lockdown & knew you guys would know the right things. Truthfully I don’t even want to see her for a while longer while I keep working on myself. In the past I would have reacted rashly & emotionally, the fact I planned to leave it ‘at least’ 6 months even before seeing this thread makes me feel I’m finally growing as a person. Thanks again!

Good to hear dude. When I go no contact on a female I actually find it, hmmmm, interesting? What I mean is in regards of testing my dignity and emotional stability. I have friends that lash out against ex’s(some from even years ago) to this day and it’s flat out embarrassing. When I do no contact, it makes me feel emotional stabile compared to the majority of the male population if you catch my drift. When I bring up the fact to some of my guy friends that I haven’t seen or spoke to my ex since, they’re like blown away. And I’m basically like “ dude, she said she doesn’t want to be with me anymore. What else is there to say or do lol”?

 

[Mike41090]

Good to hear dude. When I go no contact on a female I actually find it, hmmmm, interesting? What I mean is in regards of testing my dignity and emotional stability. I have friends that lash out against ex’s(some from even years ago) to this day and it’s flat out embarrassing. When I do no contact, it makes me feel emotional stabile compared to the majority of the male population if you catch my drift. When I bring up the fact to some of my guy friends that I haven’t seen or spoke to my ex since, they’re like blown away. And I’m basically like “ dude, she said she doesn’t want to be with me anymore. What else is there to say or do lol”?

I personally reached a point in my life that when it comes to relationships, not even just gaming chicks but anyone in general. I have nothing to prove or convince them of. I know who I am and that’s enough for me.

 

[Mike41090]

Just got another text from the ex lol. She basically stated that she has been praying for me and the unit (so to speak) I work for since we are directly dealing with the protests and riots lately (emergency worker). I basically just responded with appreciate it and a tad bit of small talk that lasted five minutes. Did not get into anything whatsoever though. TBH the convo didn’t phase me whatsoever and I treated it like talking to any Joe Schmoe. Kinda felt fine and not hung up over it at all and could care less. A very liberating feeling of indifference which I haven’t felt in a while which seems to be that I’m making good progress. Never thought I’d get to this point.