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Pep talk needed - GF cheated

BJP1991

Senior Don Juan
Joined
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Hi Everyone,

Before getting into it. Please save any “you were being a beta male/no frame, etc” comments. I’ve thought about those enough and I promise you, I’m not that person. Im not Mr Niceguy. I’ve been around long enough and dated long enough to know better...

Long story short, my girlfriend of 1 year cheated on me two weekends in a row last month with a former guy she used to be on/off with before she met me.
I am heartbroken - devastated. Broke up with her that day and told her off for lying to me and I didn’t want to see her again. She had been living out of state for a short term job via school and returns next month. She wants to talk and see what she can do (if anything) to salvage a future for us.

I am so hurt. Mad, angry, harrowing depression at times. Trying to focus on my awesome job and friends. Even been on a couple first dates that didn’t really go anywhere.

What is hard for me is the following: even though she lied to me, then tried so hard to lie even when I found out, I still love her. I still care for her. In a f***** up way, I still want her to be happy. All of this despite her doing what I consider “unforgivable”...

This girl was telling me she wanted babies with me, loved me so much, spent the holidays with my family. Then two short months later she cheated on me. I was visiting her out of state when I found out - being the best boyfriend I could be and giving in the relationship.

She comes home in a couple weeks. She’s been trying to email me and setup times to meet and talk (I blocked her on all other forms of communication). Part of me (the weak part, the denial part) thinks I could be rid of the awful sadness im feeling if she PROVES to me she can change and be better and EARN my trust back. But, I feel like this is the wrong mindset - even though it hurts to admit.

The other part of me, the part of me that has been through this before, thinks I should prevent her from seeing me at all and vanish from her life in ghost-like fashion and let her live with her choice.

Can I please get some advice or recommendations on how to get my mind right and do what is best? I think seeing her will just trigger more pain for me. But the denial in me says it could be helpful...
 

manfrombelow

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The other part of me, the part of me that has been through this before, thinks I should prevent her from seeing me at all and vanish from her life in ghost-like fashion and let her live with her choice.

Can I please get some advice or recommendations on how to get my mind right and do what is best? I think seeing her will just trigger more pain for me. But the denial in me says it could be helpful...
You already had the answer for yourself in the bolded part.
 

aloofgoof

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If you do get back together, it will never be the same. She’s a good liar. She knew exactly what she was doing. You will never have peace of mind if you get back together. It won’t be healthy wondering when she’s going to cheat again (and she will). It sucks, but it’s not worth it. Move on.
 

manfrombelow

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The paradox here is that, by taking back a cheater, you're basically communicating to her that it is 100% okay to cheat, therefore she'll definitely do it again, BECAUSE you told her so, in a subconscious way.

So if she cheated. Let her go. OP is refusing to admit himself a beta while having one-itis all over this case.
 

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ThisIsSparta

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Can I please get some advice or recommendations on how to get my mind right and do what is best? I think seeing her will just trigger more pain for me. But the denial in me says it could be helpful...
Dude, get her the hell outa your mind!

She is a lying biatch and you caught her cheating this time but that doesnt mean she hasnt cheated on you for the last year!
She wants babies with you because she thinks you are becoming her beta cuck that pays the bills. Fvck it.... for all you know she could get pregnant while cheating on you and tell you its your kid, maybe she already is?! She already has shown that she doesnt respect you and neither should you give shiat about what happens to her. There is no future for/with a cheating woman!

Unless you live together .... dont meet her, dont answer her messages. If you have any shiat of her at your place, send it.

Get yourself busy, translate your pain into spite and use that energy to improve your position, become the best version of yourself to set you up for the glorious rest of your life!
 

RickTheToad

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Hi Everyone,

Before getting into it. Please save any “you were being a beta male/no frame, etc” comments. I’ve thought about those enough and I promise you, I’m not that person. Im not Mr Niceguy. I’ve been around long enough and dated long enough to know better...

Long story short, my girlfriend of 1 year cheated on me two weekends in a row last month with a former guy she used to be on/off with before she met me.
I am heartbroken - devastated. Broke up with her that day and told her off for lying to me and I didn’t want to see her again. She had been living out of state for a short term job via school and returns next month. She wants to talk and see what she can do (if anything) to salvage a future for us.

I am so hurt. Mad, angry, harrowing depression at times. Trying to focus on my awesome job and friends. Even been on a couple first dates that didn’t really go anywhere.

What is hard for me is the following: even though she lied to me, then tried so hard to lie even when I found out, I still love her. I still care for her. In a f***** up way, I still want her to be happy. All of this despite her doing what I consider “unforgivable”...

This girl was telling me she wanted babies with me, loved me so much, spent the holidays with my family. Then two short months later she cheated on me. I was visiting her out of state when I found out - being the best boyfriend I could be and giving in the relationship.

She comes home in a couple weeks. She’s been trying to email me and setup times to meet and talk (I blocked her on all other forms of communication). Part of me (the weak part, the denial part) thinks I could be rid of the awful sadness im feeling if she PROVES to me she can change and be better and EARN my trust back. But, I feel like this is the wrong mindset - even though it hurts to admit.

The other part of me, the part of me that has been through this before, thinks I should prevent her from seeing me at all and vanish from her life in ghost-like fashion and let her live with her choice.

Can I please get some advice or recommendations on how to get my mind right and do what is best? I think seeing her will just trigger more pain for me. But the denial in me says it could be helpful...
Leave and block her. No excuses. She doesn't respect you. There is no other option but to walk away. If you stay or consider taking her back, then you have your own self-respect issues to deal with.
 

Clamslammer

Senior Don Juan
Joined
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208
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Hi Everyone,

Before getting into it. Please save any “you were being a beta male/no frame, etc” comments. I’ve thought about those enough and I promise you, I’m not that person. Im not Mr Niceguy. I’ve been around long enough and dated long enough to know better...

Long story short, my girlfriend of 1 year cheated on me two weekends in a row last month with a former guy she used to be on/off with before she met me.
I am heartbroken - devastated. Broke up with her that day and told her off for lying to me and I didn’t want to see her again. She had been living out of state for a short term job via school and returns next month. She wants to talk and see what she can do (if anything) to salvage a future for us.

I am so hurt. Mad, angry, harrowing depression at times. Trying to focus on my awesome job and friends. Even been on a couple first dates that didn’t really go anywhere.

What is hard for me is the following: even though she lied to me, then tried so hard to lie even when I found out, I still love her. I still care for her. In a f***** up way, I still want her to be happy. All of this despite her doing what I consider “unforgivable”...

This girl was telling me she wanted babies with me, loved me so much, spent the holidays with my family. Then two short months later she cheated on me. I was visiting her out of state when I found out - being the best boyfriend I could be and giving in the relationship.

She comes home in a couple weeks. She’s been trying to email me and setup times to meet and talk (I blocked her on all other forms of communication). Part of me (the weak part, the denial part) thinks I could be rid of the awful sadness im feeling if she PROVES to me she can change and be better and EARN my trust back. But, I feel like this is the wrong mindset - even though it hurts to admit.

The other part of me, the part of me that has been through this before, thinks I should prevent her from seeing me at all and vanish from her life in ghost-like fashion and let her live with her choice.

Can I please get some advice or recommendations on how to get my mind right and do what is best? I think seeing her will just trigger more pain for me. But the denial in me says it could be helpful...
How did you find out?
 

manfrombelow

Master Don Juan
Joined
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Messages
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From this moment on, OP must STOP all communications with her.

Of course she'll try to contact him, giving him wall of texts that are full of drama and bullsh!t like that. And they do no matter. Don't reply to her, in any way possible.
 

dude99

Master Don Juan
Joined
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Messages
2,374
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2,889
Age
48
Hi Everyone,

Before getting into it. Please save any “you were being a beta male/no frame, etc” comments. I’ve thought about those enough and I promise you, I’m not that person. Im not Mr Niceguy. I’ve been around long enough and dated long enough to know better...

Long story short, my girlfriend of 1 year cheated on me two weekends in a row last month with a former guy she used to be on/off with before she met me.
I am heartbroken - devastated. Broke up with her that day and told her off for lying to me and I didn’t want to see her again. She had been living out of state for a short term job via school and returns next month. She wants to talk and see what she can do (if anything) to salvage a future for us.

I am so hurt. Mad, angry, harrowing depression at times. Trying to focus on my awesome job and friends. Even been on a couple first dates that didn’t really go anywhere.

What is hard for me is the following: even though she lied to me, then tried so hard to lie even when I found out, I still love her. I still care for her. In a f***** up way, I still want her to be happy. All of this despite her doing what I consider “unforgivable”...

This girl was telling me she wanted babies with me, loved me so much, spent the holidays with my family. Then two short months later she cheated on me. I was visiting her out of state when I found out - being the best boyfriend I could be and giving in the relationship.

She comes home in a couple weeks. She’s been trying to email me and setup times to meet and talk (I blocked her on all other forms of communication). Part of me (the weak part, the denial part) thinks I could be rid of the awful sadness im feeling if she PROVES to me she can change and be better and EARN my trust back. But, I feel like this is the wrong mindset - even though it hurts to admit.

The other part of me, the part of me that has been through this before, thinks I should prevent her from seeing me at all and vanish from her life in ghost-like fashion and let her live with her choice.

Can I please get some advice or recommendations on how to get my mind right and do what is best? I think seeing her will just trigger more pain for me. But the denial in me says it could be helpful...
Her words were bull$#it. Wanting babies and loving you etc. Never pay any attention to what a chick says. All her blah blah blah went out the window in 2 months.


What did her actions tell you? Her actions screamed from the hilltops she is a cheater
 

RangerMIke

Master Don Juan
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USA, Louisiana
First sorry you are going through this... it sucks and really there isn't anything any of us can say that will make you feel better. There is no magic pill. All you need is time... and the only advice I can give you is to make that time as short as possible.

Best best way to recover from something like this is to put serious distance between you and her, and TRY not to think about her. Get busy with other things occupy your thoughts with productive activity. You are not going to forget this, and you shouldn't because everything is a learning experience, but don't dwell on it.

Next... now this is VERY important. There in nothing you could have done to prevent this... nothing. The root cause of obsession is the idea that 'maybe' there was something you could have done to get a specific result. You can not do ANYTHING that will cause a chick to do or not do anything.

When I was deployed in Afghanistan my wife at the time cheated on me with multiple dudes. When I got back I ended the marriage. I really do not hate her for this, and really didn't at the time... but I took a very pragmatic approach which was, I can not be in a relationship with someone I can not trust and who does not respect me or my children enough to maintain emotional control. My ex is who she is, and no amount of effort on my part was going to change her, all you can do is walk away.

Things will get better and I will end this with my favorite quote for situations like this "When you find yourself in hell... walk through the fvcking place like you own it... but walk quickly."
 

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In2theGame

Master Don Juan
Joined
Oct 17, 2005
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2,094
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New York City
Hi Everyone,

Before getting into it. Please save any “you were being a beta male/no frame, etc” comments. I’ve thought about those enough and I promise you, I’m not that person. Im not Mr Niceguy. I’ve been around long enough and dated long enough to know better...

Long story short, my girlfriend of 1 year cheated on me two weekends in a row last month with a former guy she used to be on/off with before she met me.
I am heartbroken - devastated. Broke up with her that day and told her off for lying to me and I didn’t want to see her again. She had been living out of state for a short term job via school and returns next month. She wants to talk and see what she can do (if anything) to salvage a future for us.

I am so hurt. Mad, angry, harrowing depression at times. Trying to focus on my awesome job and friends. Even been on a couple first dates that didn’t really go anywhere.

What is hard for me is the following: even though she lied to me, then tried so hard to lie even when I found out, I still love her. I still care for her. In a f***** up way, I still want her to be happy. All of this despite her doing what I consider “unforgivable”...

This girl was telling me she wanted babies with me, loved me so much, spent the holidays with my family. Then two short months later she cheated on me. I was visiting her out of state when I found out - being the best boyfriend I could be and giving in the relationship.

She comes home in a couple weeks. She’s been trying to email me and setup times to meet and talk (I blocked her on all other forms of communication). Part of me (the weak part, the denial part) thinks I could be rid of the awful sadness im feeling if she PROVES to me she can change and be better and EARN my trust back. But, I feel like this is the wrong mindset - even though it hurts to admit.

The other part of me, the part of me that has been through this before, thinks I should prevent her from seeing me at all and vanish from her life in ghost-like fashion and let her live with her choice.

Can I please get some advice or recommendations on how to get my mind right and do what is best? I think seeing her will just trigger more pain for me. But the denial in me says it could be helpful...
I'm going to give you the realist advice that I can based on my past experience with this. First, Whatever I tell you or anyone else on this board tells you, you're still going to feel upset and pretty sh*tty. So be prepared for that. Secondly, Do not take her back and what happened, happened for a reason. You may not know the reason for it right now but trust me when I tell you, there IS a reason. Meaning there is something better around the corner that you just dont know about yet. Strange how life works but its true.

By her telling you she loves you so much and wants babies with you means nothing, zero, nada. My ex girlfriend told me the same and wanted to marry me. she insisted that our families meet and when they did, everyone was convinced that her and I were for real and end up married in the future. We were together for 5 years and then one day she switched off and broke up with me (I found out she fvcked some guy) guess what? She ended up breaking up with me and engaged to him within 2-3 months. Imagine how I felt? All this went down towards the end of 2010. Ive been single since 2010 and just now am trying my next relationship that started in 2019.

To say I was devastated is a huge understatement. I was emotionally and mentally fvcked up for a long time. What was the result of her leaving me for another guy? I ended up losing 100 pounds to get very lean and muscular, I ended up teaching myself investments and business, I ended up meeting hundreds upon hundreds of Women and I also ended up meeting a guy through a mutual friend who became my best/closest friend.

When things like this happen, it's for a good cause that we dont understand yet but there is good behind it. You also become colder and more realistic of Women. Things like this in the future won't bother you much and expect that Woman can be like this. Don't try to dwell on it too much. I know it sucks and it hurts but you have to take the punches right now and deal with it. DO NOT TAKE THIS WOMAN BACK. There are way too many more beautiful/sexy Women out there to get caught up with one.
 

Lookatu

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my girlfriend of 1 year cheated on me two weekends in a row last month with a former guy she used to be on/off with before she met me.

Even been on a couple first dates that didn’t really go anywhere.

I still care for her. In a f***** up way, I still want her to be happy.

She’s been trying to email me and setup times to meet and talk
Fact is she did it twice in a row.

Fact is you're in a scarcity mindset and is having a harder time letting her go since you don't have anyone else to distract you with. I bet if one of the couple dates actually led somewhere, you're mind might be in a different place.

She is trying to talk to you. Yes, talking = manipulation. This is where it's even more important to pay attention to her actions and not her words. Her actions is she cheated on you and she was weak. Her talk is going to be to sucker you back into seeing her again.

Do not reward bad behavior. Next her and move on and don't waste anymore time with someone like that. Look forward to meeting a quality gal instead of living in the past. What's done is done.

It's ok if you still love her and care for her and wanna see her happy. But understand that her being happy isn't going to be with you so you must realize this and let her go to let her find her happiness.
 

Barrister

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1. No Contact -- the most important thing you can do and obviously the most difficult. You absolutely cannot keep talking to her. Block her on every platform if you need to.

2. Focus on yourself -- get into the gym if you are not already and start up something completely new in your life hobby-wise. This is about trying to take your focus off of her.

3. Go out with your friends. But try not to talk about her with them. This is self-explanatory.

4. Start dating as soon as you are ready. This won't be to jump into another LTR and at first you aren't going to feel like you want to date casually. Do it anyway. This is slowly going to trigger your brain to begin thinking about sex with other women on a regular basis which is actually pretty important.

Like others have said, you are going to feel like sh1t for awhile regardless. Doing the above will expedite your healing though and make you get over this faster though. Good luck, brother.
 

Bigpapa

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Well , if you really want to know , she cheated on you because she knew that she has you by being this perfect boyfriend .

Basically you were her safe bet , so safe that she thought that you will not walk away if she ever did something like this

more or less you forgot to be a challenge to her with a super high attainability , and most likely you put her at the North Star of your existence

the other guy was just tingling her vagina and brought excitement in her life

the only way forward is to go no contact , as things will never be the same . Trust lost is forever lost

if you will become a couple again and she does not respond fast to you , you will forever think that she is jumping on another guy . And this things will make you go mad eventually . Not worth it

take your time to heal , sleep with some skans and try to move on

if she loved you , she would not have put you in a position to suffer like a dog

also read this discussion

https://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/women-and-ltrs.268713/#post-2822644
 

BackInTheGame78

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This is why being physically unavailable never works...she is gone for a while, one day she gets lonely and knows she shouldn't do it but she decides to take up a guy on his offer because you weren't there...

And make no mistake she will likely try and turn this around on you and make it about you not being there and her being lonely. Which is BS.

The most likely scenario is she did it because she figured you would never find out. Which is why she is freaking out now...because you never were supposed to find out and she would come back and resume things with you with you being none the wiser. Now her plans are shattered and she is desperately trying to salvage them.

As much as you want to resolve things you can't. It will only be a matter of time before she does it again.
 
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