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Once the respect is gone is there any way to get it back?

Foe

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So my BPD LTR ended today, posted about it last year and ended up staying with her for another year. I rationalised it by assuming her out of control behaviour was just typical woman stuff and the sex was great, probably the best Ive had so that kept me going.

So normal behaviour for her is starting a fight (usually out of nothing), grabbing all her things (and any gifts she has given me) storming out of the house and going no contact for days sometimes up to a week. I used to call her during these breaks but found out pretty quickly that it just made it worse so now I deal with it by doing nothing and eventually she calls me back pretending nothing happened and nothings wrong. We bang and hang for about another week then she'll start that process again. I could go into details about the BPD craziness but thats not on topic.

Lately its been getting worse, fighting over more stupid **** then usual (thats saying something) and the level of disrespect is getting brutal. Previously I was able to deploy a level of stoicism, grit my teeth and wait for the storm to pass but this new level is starting to get to me. Im losing my ****, yelling back etc and today's breakup was a direct result from that. The question is what to do from here?

Her BPD will force her to reach out eventually but probably not before she starts monkey branching (she ended up ****ing some guy last year after one of these breakups which I forgave as I was doing the same because technically we were broken up). I mean is my standard to low or is this normal woman behaviour?

Is there anyway to get this thing on track or should I just get over it? Its day 1 so Im feeling miserable and if she called now I probably would take her back.
 

Plinco

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Just get over it. BPD are a lot of work to whip into shape but in your case it's not worth it.
 

BackInTheGame78

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Walk away and don't look back. If she lost respect for you the best thing you can do is to walk away from yourself which demonstrates you have self respect.

In these cases there is no other way to really get it back other than not be present in her life but that should be done for you not hoping you get her back.
 

Gamisch

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Hi op

I can relate, been in toxic LTR,s with women like this and like backinthegame78 says, i should've walked away way sooner .

Just my opinion, but maybe the sex is so good because of familiarity, and the thrill of conquering her again. I even think there is another dude in the picture, maybe not, but that could explain her going back and forth. A simple fight with you is a legitimate reason to walk away, and Lord knows what's happening during those weeks..you dont even enanna know OP, believe me because that will be her next stick to hit you with as they say in my language.


I posted something like this and what opened my eyes was when somebody said:she is stealing your frame
You know you should walk away and focus on other women . I do t care how hot she is in you eyes. Open up to other women and see how good they'll treat you. Like another poster said In another thread, you keep sending this energy into the universe everytime when you even think about her.


She has no respect for self so how can she respect you?? It's a lost battle at this point. Even if she would engage in therapy she needs to take it extremely serious, do allot of homework and we all know that something most women just wont do.

Your last paragraph tells alot. No ,do t get this back on track, use day 1 as the first day of let's say 60. Bounce, there is nothing to gain anymore. All your sweet fantasies wont come true. Dont give her anymore chances.

Don't save her..
She dont wanna be saved..
Dont save her..
 

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Sounds like the juice is no longer worth the squeeze. Dont give her exclusivity anymore. She can be a plate at most.
 

Atom Smasher

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You’re both addicted to each other. It’s time for you to demonstrate some self-respect and leave her.
You will absolutely be leaving her eventually anyway. You will have to once she destroys your inner core to the point where leaving is literally survival.
Don’t let that happen. Declare a new STANDARD for yourself and enforce it. She is a destroyer. Stop the destruction.
 

Gamisch

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You’re both addicted to each other. It’s time for you to demonstrate some self-respect and leave her.
You will absolutely be leaving her eventually anyway. You will have to once she destroys your inner core to the point where leaving is literally survival.
Don’t let that happen. Declare a new STANDARD for yourself and enforce it. She is a destroyer. Stop the destruction.
Perfect reply. GOLDEN WORDS

Edit: let her be the sloot she wanna be. I can heavily relate to this. Tyson once said, why is my love going through a woman?

Your ego (like mine) is connected to her actions. Detach now . She will do crazy **** regardless of who you are and how good you can be for her.

She is cocaine and you are a junkie trying to get sober.

Above poster said it so much better then I ever could.
 
Last edited:

IKO69

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In my experience when things get to the point that you described where the relationship seems like it is a chore and there is a lot of fighting, drama, back biting, in short things are drastically different compared to how they used to be, things don't get better what time. You may think that you can do something about it, but you really can't. You can't because the woman's mind is already made up which is why she's acting this way. Now I know there are cases in which people overcome these things - hell there are cases in which people break up and get together again after long periods of time apart, but either way your best bet is to cut her off and move forward. If you need a reason: for your own sanity. You deserve nothing but the best man and don't want to live in such a way as you describe. It isn't worth it. She comes to view you poorly because in her head she thinks how could this guy put up with this bs and you will be miserable for the duration of time.

There are no winners - one of the most important lessons in a man's life is to know when to stop beating a dead horse and to move on.
 

LARaiders85

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1. She isn't qualified to respect or lose respect for any person.

2. Your question should be: "How can you help me change, because I clearly don't respect myself at all?"
 

Foe

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Hi op

I can relate, been in toxic LTR,s with women like this and like backinthegame78 says, i should've walked away way sooner .

Just my opinion, but maybe the sex is so good because of familiarity, and the thrill of conquering her again. I even think there is another dude in the picture, maybe not, but that could explain her going back and forth. A simple fight with you is a legitimate reason to walk away, and Lord knows what's happening during those weeks..you dont even enanna know OP, believe me because that will be her next stick to hit you with as they say in my language.


I posted something like this and what opened my eyes was when somebody said:she is stealing your frame
You know you should walk away and focus on other women . I do t care how hot she is in you eyes. Open up to other women and see how good they'll treat you. Like another poster said In another thread, you keep sending this energy into the universe everytime when you even think about her.


She has no respect for self so how can she respect you?? It's a lost battle at this point. Even if she would engage in therapy she needs to take it extremely serious, do allot of homework and we all know that something most women just wont do.

Your last paragraph tells alot. No ,do t get this back on track, use day 1 as the first day of let's say 60. Bounce, there is nothing to gain anymore. All your sweet fantasies wont come true. Dont give her anymore chances.

Don't save her..
She dont wanna be saved..
Dont save her..

Yeah I think your right about the other guy. So get this when she broke up with me last year after going through my phone and reading all my messages to my mates about her BPD she gives me a bunch of weird half in half out wanna get back together no I dont etc etc. This goes on for 4 weeks. From my experience this is classic cheating behavior, wants her cake and eat it to. Meanwhile Im DTF mode with whatever comes my way, infact the 4th week I met a girl who was pretty bloody awesome but who should message and ask to get back together but good old BPD girl, almost like she knew I was about to move on.

Anyway the deal was we don't talk about what happened when we were split, she tells me nothing happened she only went on a couple of dates and that's it, no funny business. I dont care as long as it stays in the past but every now and again she would say how many girls did I sleep with while we were split. I know this trap and never divulge anything but she always ends the convo/fight "I never did anything while we were broken up".

So couple of weeks ago she does her usual fight and comes in the next day, "I have to tell you something". Ok here we go, "what is it". Well she says "last night I rang the guy I was seeing when we were split". So instantly I have to re-calculate the situation, if she only went on a couple of dates why would she call this guy a year later.

Well after a bunch of wiggling around the truth of the matter it turns out she was banging this guy. Now when we fight she likes to drop in things like his name "Sean was such a nice guy, he does karate and his girls are teenages" etc etc. So yeah pretty sure shes at the very least imagining a alternate life with him at worst cheating on me with him.

Though I guess now we are broken up its none of my business.
 

Gamisch

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Yeah I think your right about the other guy. So get this when she broke up with me last year after going through my phone and reading all my messages to my mates about her BPD she gives me a bunch of weird half in half out wanna get back together no I dont etc etc. This goes on for 4 weeks. From my experience this is classic cheating behavior, wants her cake and eat it to. Meanwhile Im DTF mode with whatever comes my way, infact the 4th week I met a girl who was pretty bloody awesome but who should message and ask to get back together but good old BPD girl, almost like she knew I was about to move on.

Anyway the deal was we don't talk about what happened when we were split, she tells me nothing happened she only went on a couple of dates and that's it, no funny business. I dont care as long as it stays in the past but every now and again she would say how many girls did I sleep with while we were split. I know this trap and never divulge anything but she always ends the convo/fight "I never did anything while we were broken up".

So couple of weeks ago she does her usual fight and comes in the next day, "I have to tell you something". Ok here we go, "what is it". Well she says "last night I rang the guy I was seeing when we were split". So instantly I have to re-calculate the situation, if she only went on a couple of dates why would she call this guy a year later.

Well after a bunch of wiggling around the truth of the matter it turns out she was banging this guy. Now when we fight she likes to drop in things like his name "Sean was such a nice guy, he does karate and his girls are teenages" etc etc. So yeah pretty sure shes at the very least imagining a alternate life with him at worst cheating on me with him.

Though I guess now we are broken up its none of my business.
Yip, like I told you, and I learn while I reading your post, she has a lotta skeletons in her closet. I can ,once again, relate to the calculations you talk about(" wait a sec, that means you were lying then and then already????"). Mind you ,these calculations hurt you as well makes you feel.like a chump in retrospect. No righteous man wants to hear this bs from the woman he loves . Although it shouldn't matter (bc you guys broke up),it still does.

that's why time away from her (for good) is necessary. Stay DTF ,but just not with her. Yiu probably the best that ever happened to her ,and deep down she knows...She just wants to hurt you bc she Is broken, she is a lying ***** and will only deteriorate for the worse from this point.

Let karate Sean have her.

Promise your DJ bros you'll stay TF away from her and report ina week how thing went..
 

RickPound

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Hey man, you need to focus on your self respect, not ruminate over more details of her sh**y behavior and try to make sense of why she’s doing it. I know it’s hard, trust me, but you deserve better. You can’t fix it. I’ve been there and tried and wish I bailed out way sooner. Then at least you valued yourself and, when she eventually realizes it, you can feel better knowing that’s how she sees you and you’ve moved on to bigger and better things (hotter and nicer chicks). You can then reject her and get the last laugh.

Broken chicks are broken. As much as we wish it was different there’s nothing we can do except move on.
 

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Foe

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OP, question...why the hell would you want to be in this sort of toxic relationship? This is no way to live bro. You can do better, you just have to start believing it.
To answer your question I think all my relationships have been like this (to varying degrees) which is why I have such a low standard. Its like the devil you know that will screw your brains out vs the one you don't who may or may not. Not to mention dating girls who are f'ing x number of guys and being part of there roster is almost just as demoralising. The flaking, not answering messages hot and cold **** is all part of the game but when you have a super hot sexy crazy chick who says she loves you and wants to work through it, its hard to see the merit on the other side of the scale (dating).

This girl has this weird delusion of reality where she is constantly the victim and I'm the abuser while if you were to break down the actual relationship I'm pretty sure it would be objectively the other way around. In saying that I cant help but see the irony of what I just did which was to make her the abuser and myself the victim and its in that frame that she wins the fights. I enter her world of abuse and victimhood, her frame and I lose. Infact many times I've seen these situations as lose/lose where there is no way to exit without compromising myself.

I think I lost this at the start when I saw dating her like winning the lottery, she was the hottest thing Id ever encountered and I guess I always saw it as me punching above my weight. It was lost in that frame. My self esteem isnt what it should be so why should this situation not be exactly what it is.

I know the answer is work on yourself, hit the gym more etc, Im doing those things its just not working right now.
 

Gamisch

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To answer your question I think all my relationships have been like this (to varying degrees) which is why I have such a low standard. Its like the devil you know that will screw your brains out vs the one you don't who may or may not. Not to mention dating girls who are f'ing x number of guys and being part of there roster is almost just as demoralising. The flaking, not answering messages hot and cold **** is all part of the game but when you have a super hot sexy crazy chick who says she loves you and wants to work through it, its hard to see the merit on the other side of the scale (dating).

This girl has this weird delusion of reality where she is constantly the victim and I'm the abuser while if you were to break down the actual relationship I'm pretty sure it would be objectively the other way around. In saying that I cant help but see the irony of what I just did which was to make her the abuser and myself the victim and its in that frame that she wins the fights. I enter her world of abuse and victimhood, her frame and I lose. Infact many times I've seen these situations as lose/lose where there is no way to exit without compromising myself.

I think I lost this at the start when I saw dating her like winning the lottery, she was the hottest thing Id ever encountered and I guess I always saw it as me punching above my weight. It was lost in that frame. My self esteem isnt what it should be so why should this situation not be exactly what it is.

I know the answer is work on yourself, hit the gym more etc, Im doing those things its just not working right now.
Damn I could've wrote this post..

Do you also reject "lesser hot" women in this process and only fall for the hotter once?(makes sense)

I remember a friend of mine had a blonde, kinda hot, but psycho gf( fighting him during the day intercity, throwing his **** out the window ect). When I asked him why he stayed he said; she is the hottest girl I ve ever had"..

That sounded really stupid ,as in , that's not a valid reason bro...

Maybe punch a little bit below your weight for now? You admittedly say you always have this type of relationship, so maybe you should consider a new type of woman altogether..and look In the mirror

Confusingly enough most man will tell you that your hard **** should be the indicator to get in relationships, I dont agree with that(anymore).

Happiness and being the prize should be your indicator.
 

Bigpapa

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So my BPD LTR ended today, posted about it last year and ended up staying with her for another year. I rationalised it by assuming her out of control behaviour was just typical woman stuff and the sex was great, probably the best Ive had so that kept me going.

So normal behaviour for her is starting a fight (usually out of nothing), grabbing all her things (and any gifts she has given me) storming out of the house and going no contact for days sometimes up to a week. I used to call her during these breaks but found out pretty quickly that it just made it worse so now I deal with it by doing nothing and eventually she calls me back pretending nothing happened and nothings wrong. We bang and hang for about another week then she'll start that process again. I could go into details about the BPD craziness but thats not on topic.

Lately its been getting worse, fighting over more stupid **** then usual (thats saying something) and the level of disrespect is getting brutal. Previously I was able to deploy a level of stoicism, grit my teeth and wait for the storm to pass but this new level is starting to get to me. Im losing my ****, yelling back etc and today's breakup was a direct result from that. The question is what to do from here?

Her BPD will force her to reach out eventually but probably not before she starts monkey branching (she ended up ****ing some guy last year after one of these breakups which I forgave as I was doing the same because technically we were broken up). I mean is my standard to low or is this normal woman behaviour?

Is there anyway to get this thing on track or should I just get over it? Its day 1 so Im feeling miserable and if she called now I probably would take her back.
dealt at some point with a woman like that , since then I screen thoroughly for everything above ONS

you have to understand that she is sick and you can not help her . The only person that can help her is a shrink by giving her proper medication

in terms of you , why would you try to build something with a person that is sick ?

on the long term people with BPD also have a high probability to get other mental problems as well

“Abstract. Rates of conditions comorbid with bipolar disorder are very high, with anxiety disorders, impulse-control disorders, and drug and alcohol problems being the most distinctly over-represented conditions”

the future is just grim and you do not get anything in return besides some vagina

you can not raise a family the right way , and she will be an unfit mother that will traumatize the children . In addition to this , the endpoint will be you putting her in an asylum and paying a good amount of money for her to be there
 

BackInTheGame78

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To answer your question I think all my relationships have been like this (to varying degrees) which is why I have such a low standard. Its like the devil you know that will screw your brains out vs the one you don't who may or may not. Not to mention dating girls who are f'ing x number of guys and being part of there roster is almost just as demoralising. The flaking, not answering messages hot and cold **** is all part of the game but when you have a super hot sexy crazy chick who says she loves you and wants to work through it, its hard to see the merit on the other side of the scale (dating).

This girl has this weird delusion of reality where she is constantly the victim and I'm the abuser while if you were to break down the actual relationship I'm pretty sure it would be objectively the other way around. In saying that I cant help but see the irony of what I just did which was to make her the abuser and myself the victim and its in that frame that she wins the fights. I enter her world of abuse and victimhood, her frame and I lose. Infact many times I've seen these situations as lose/lose where there is no way to exit without compromising myself.

I think I lost this at the start when I saw dating her like winning the lottery, she was the hottest thing Id ever encountered and I guess I always saw it as me punching above my weight. It was lost in that frame. My self esteem isnt what it should be so why should this situation not be exactly what it is.

I know the answer is work on yourself, hit the gym more etc, Im doing those things its just not working right now.
You ask why she chose you? Because women like that always know the type of guy they can use and abuse.
 

BuckledWheel

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You’re stuck in a vicious circle bro. She’s playing you out of the park & you’re letting her. No matter how hot a girl is, there is no reason to stay. I bet she had daddy issues? She has no respect for you. Move on bro & don’t look back.
 
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