On the hook! Don’t let her off.

MtmVaott

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Fact is you have by far not enough data to gauge who she is for real. It's perfectly possible to develop feelings fast for s.o. who you would have only considered for casual sex if you'd witnessed enough data to draw conclusions right from the start.
And no, it's by far not enough to know that e.g. you both grew up in a small town or you are both orphans since young age.
You need both facts and behaviour observation, and a lot of it, to make definite conclusions on her values and attitudes.
 
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RobNeb

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And what did you reply?
Just our basic convo we do almost every day. But she had a family situation last night. Stayed in touch some but no call. And nothing this morning. Not gonna reach out yet… let her and see. What you think?
 

RobNeb

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I think you should ignore her more. Good morning texts will kill it. Basic text convo dries women up.
Absolutely! I didn’t do that today and I’ve kept things light and not much at all today and going forward because I want it to build up before our date on Sunday. In fact tonight I have a FWB coming over and won’t be texting the new girl at all.
 
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Just do not text man. Just do not reach out. Let me them reach out. Then surprise them. You have to create the effect that they come to you and not vice-versa.

If I message a chick, even if a girl I am seeing does not message me, I never bother reaching out. Sounds passive, but she should be thinking of me. Women like that. They enjoy it. If they complain that you do not reach out, I just say I am working on getting better at that lol. It shows you are improving.

Generally, I find that if I have to message a woman for her to come out or do something with me, I am forcing the relationship - i hate forcing stuff. Plus respect comes from allowing someone to appreciate you, and you gain more self-respect that way.

Also, there is no reason to talk to a chick everyday, what's the point?
 

RobNeb

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Just do not text man. Just do not reach out. Let me them reach out. Then surprise them. You have to create the effect that they come to you and not vice-versa.

If I message a chick, even if a girl I am seeing does not message me, I never bother reaching out. Sounds passive, but she should be thinking of me. Women like that. They enjoy it. If they complain that you do not reach out, I just say I am working on getting better at that lol. It shows you are improving.

Generally, I find that if I have to message a woman for her to come out or do something with me, I am forcing the relationship - i hate forcing stuff. Plus respect comes from allowing someone to appreciate you, and you gain more self-respect that way.

Also, there is no reason to talk to a chick everyday, what's the point?
I like your thinking and this one is unusual as she’s a daily texter. and I have slowed things down but see she’s getting detached into our third week of chatting. We had planned on a date for Sunday but I’m feeling she’s not into it now. I’m not texting her today and see what happens but was gonna text her tomorrow about the date and say this… “things have felt detached with you, are we still on for our date tomorrow and if not let me know so I can re-arrange and make other plans and no worries if not and was great to meet you. take care.“ It’s tough to let a hottie like this off the hook.
 

BillyPilgrim

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I like your thinking and this one is unusual as she’s a daily texter. and I have slowed things down but see she’s getting detached into our third week of chatting. We had planned on a date for Sunday but I’m feeling she’s not into it now. I’m not texting her today and see what happens but was gonna text her tomorrow about the date and say this… “things have felt detached with you, are we still on for our date tomorrow and if not let me know so I can re-arrange and make other plans and no worries if not and was great to meet you. take care.“ It’s tough to let a hottie like this off the hook.
The sense of mystery is being lost. Don't send this text. Back off as you say but when you touch base again, spice up the date offer a little. Don't get petty and emotional (the "take care" is emotional).

Rereading the OP, I get the sense the first date kiss wasn't awkward for the woman, but discussing it the next day over phone was. This woman could have used space even if she wasn't acting like it.
 

BillyPilgrim

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OP, lose the concept of "on the hook"

 

BackInTheGame78

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I like your thinking and this one is unusual as she’s a daily texter. and I have slowed things down but see she’s getting detached into our third week of chatting. We had planned on a date for Sunday but I’m feeling she’s not into it now. I’m not texting her today and see what happens but was gonna text her tomorrow about the date and say this… “things have felt detached with you, are we still on for our date tomorrow and if not let me know so I can re-arrange and make other plans and no worries if not and was great to meet you. take care.“ It’s tough to let a hottie like this off the hook.
That's a weak text to send. I would not send that if I were you.
 

CollegeMan22

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say this… “things have felt detached with you, are we still on for our date tomorrow and if not let me know so I can re-arrange and make other plans and no worries if not and was great to meet you. take care.“
Way too long of a text. Always send short texts. Always send fewer texts than her. A 2:3 ratio is ideal, even less if you can manage it.

ASSUME she is going with you. Say "See you tomorrow trouble".

If she doesn't want to go, guess what she will do? She'll TELL YOU.

You lead by assuming she is going with you. You don't ask or plead or give five different options. You say "Let's do this at XYZ date" and if she doesn't want to, she'll tell you.

Always text with assuredness when arranging plans.
 

BackInTheGame78

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The sense of mystery is being lost. Don't send this text. Back off as you say but when you touch base again, spice up the date offer a little. Don't get petty and emotional (the "take care" is emotional).

Rereading the OP, I get the sense the first date kiss wasn't awkward for the woman, but discussing it the next day over phone was. This woman could have used space even if she wasn't acting like it.
If a woman is into you then texting every day will not have a deterrent effect, actually the opposite. At least if you are good at texting. Perhaps if you are not very good it might, but I am pretty exceptional at it so it only helps me.
 

BackInTheGame78

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I think you should ignore her more. Good morning texts will kill it. Basic text convo dries women up.
Depends on how it's done. Like anything else there are skills involved. Some people have them and some people don't. No different than approaching or transitioning from making out to sex.
 

BillyPilgrim

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If a woman is into you then texting every day will not have a deterrent effect, actually the opposite. At least if you are good at texting. Perhaps if you are not very good it might, but I am pretty exceptional at it so it only helps me.
It gets tricky if there's no imminent meetup. I can keep her interested usually, but it's work if she's not super-high interest
 
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I see this differently. Like SHE may think YOU are acting detached, so now SHE has. I mean think about it. You had a great date, you connected, you kissed. Afterwards, you showed interest by texting regularly and she was responding. Enthusiastically even. You made a second date, she accepted.

I dunno what happened but you came on this board having guys tell you to stop texting, stop acting interested, pull back, ignore her. WTF. Which you started doing and SHE stepped up. But then you continued along that path acting aloof, stopped initiating texts, cut texts short, wanting HER to chase you believing that is what she wanted, and would give her "vagina tingles." Even though her actions prior indicated she liked it when you were pursuing her and she was reciprocating. Not to mention, you don't know that you DIDN'T give her vagina tingles by acting interested and pursuing, you only had one date!!

Anyway, you broke the momentum dude. Your new aloof attitude is turning her off and you've noticed she’s detaching. Personally, I am not surprised. Not all women get off on chasing guys and guys who act aloof and disinterested. Maybe young insecure women do and if that’s what you want go for it. But good quality women, women worth having want a man to act interested and pursue her. LEAD. NOT act interested pursue her as you had been doing and then pull back, ignore her, stop texting, cut texts short and stop leading expecting her to chase/lead . That behavior is a BIG red flag for women.

Observe actions and how she responds to things you do and don’t do and PAY ATTENTION. To me, it’s very obvious what’s happening. Your new aloof attitude (following the advice here) has broken the momentum and she’s detaching.
 
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RobNeb

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I see this differently. Like SHE may think YOU are acting detached, so now SHE has. I mean think about it. You had a great date, you connected, you kissed. Afterwards, you showed interest by texting regularly and she was responding. Enthusiastically even. You made a second date, she accepted.

I dunno what happened but you came on this board having guys tell you to stop texting, stop acting interested, pull back, ignore her. WTF. Which you started doing and SHE stepped up. But then you continued along that path acting aloof, stopped initiating texts, cut texts short, wanting HER to chase you believing that is what she wanted, and would give her "vagina tingles." Even though her actions prior indicated she liked it when you were pursuing her and she was reciprocating. Not to mention, you don't know that you DIDN'T give her vagina tingles by acting interested and pursuing, you only had one date!!

Anyway, you broke the momentum dude. Your new aloof attitude is turning her off and you've noticed she’s detaching. Personally, I am not surprised. Not all women get off on chasing guys and guys who act aloof and disinterested. Maybe young insecure women do and if that’s what you want go for it. But good quality women, women worth having want a man to act interested and pursue her. LEAD. NOT act interested pursue her as you had been doing and then pull back, ignore her, stop texting, cut texts short and stop leading expecting her to chase/lead . That behavior is a BIG red flag for women.

Observe actions and how she responds to things you do and don’t do and PAY ATTENTION. To me, it’s very obvious what’s happening. Your new aloof attitude (following the advice here) has broken the momentum and she’s detaching.
Fughhhhhh . Your probably right. Sooooo, what now? I haven’t chatted with her all day. She’s going out supposedly with work girlfriends tonight. I’m trying to figure out what to do or say. I’m confused And need help.
 
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Once momentum is broken, it's very difficult to get back. Just learn from this and stop following toxic advice to act aloof and ignore. Especially when things are going well! If SHE started pulling back and acting aloof first, then you can pull back. But not when things are going great, there is enthusiasm from both of you and a second date scheduled. Makes no sense.
 

MtmVaott

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Very valuable thread.
Two strategies were promoted.
1. I am doing me, I go for what I want, I am in as long as I get what I want, I'm Ok with who I am and once I have very strong indications I don't get appreciated or get what I want I'm out.
2. I make her feel seen, I change my views and actions in accordance with what I assume she will like and I let her run strategy 1.

I think it's pretty obvious which of these two is preferable.
Only way to good relationship is man and woman running strategy 1 and matching.
 

MtmVaott

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Fughhhhhh . Your probably right. Sooooo, what now? I haven’t chatted with her all day. She’s going out supposedly with work girlfriends tonight. I’m trying to figure out what to do or say. I’m confused And need help.
Good outcome. You called it a halt before it was too late. If you'd continued without applying the advice here, you'd continued the frame you supplied to her from the first date, which probably was submissive. Now it's important to see she is not interested enough to prioritize a date with you over a standard get-together with her colleagues.
 

Ricky

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I think alot of these issues we run into with women were discussed back in the day as “buying temperature” which is an old sales term i believe

Essentially everything we do is to increase their buying temperature to the point they will have sex with us.

aggressively texting all the time makes us look needy… that most certainly decreases her buying temperature . Not texting enough may allow their buying temperature time to cool off also. Not sure where the balance is and it could likely depend on the woman
 

RobNeb

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Once momentum is broken, it's very difficult to get back. Just learn from this and stop following toxic advice to act aloof and ignore. Especially when things are going well! If SHE started pulling back and acting aloof first, then you can pull back. But not when things are going great, there is enthusiasm from both of you and a second date scheduled. Makes no sense.
Gotcha. But try some
I think alot of these issues we run into with women were discussed back in the day as “buying temperature” which is an old sales term i believe

Essentially everything we do is to increase their buying temperature to the point they will have sex with us.

aggressively texting all the time makes us look needy… that most certainly decreases her buying temperature . Not texting enough may allow their buying temperature time to cool off also. Not sure where the balance is and it could likely depend on the woman
It does. And after some care posts placed at the right time of and I was able to get back on track and continue our bantering and then wished her a good night very early as she went out to dinner with friends.
Meanwhile I do have a FWB I saw Wednesday night and played it right with another gal I’ve been banging for a few weeks who got all pushy with me and I called her on that, ignored her til she apologized and now I have her at my beckoned whim. My improvement since last fall when I joined this forum had been quite encouraging and I appreciate all the help of you fellow Don’s.
 
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