need advice: 30 year old HB9 wants marriage and children

[visions]

Fellow Mature DJ's, I need your advice here!

I'm hardly the kind to ask for advice, but this is one of those occasions where I really need it.

In November 2014 I met an HB9 at a mall in D.C (cold approaching). At the time she was 28 years old (she turned 30 last October). She is from Ethiopia, and has been in the U.S. since the age of 17. She seems to have traditional family values which I find attractive.

Here are some pictures of her:
http://imgur.com/m1Tu4yk
http://imgur.com/AiTj45v


We hung out for 2 weeks before I went overseas. She got attached quick during those 2 weeks. I told her I never was so attracted to another woman before (and I meant it), and she made me re-consider my wish to never get married. The fact that she made me re-think my decision scared me.

We kept in touch while I was gone. When I came back to the U.S. last summer we re-united, but she became upset that I was still talking (on a friendly level) to my ex, and so she disappeared on me. I then left to the West Coast to start grad school later in the summer. A few months later we started talking again.

Here is an email she sent 2 days ago, I have yet to respond:
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hi Visions how r u? sorry i didn't respond you because i went to my country for two weeks to visit my grandmother. Hope all is well with u

and how is school going?
Look, I really want our relationship to work so bad, im not playing games either , i know you are there for school and I have the same thing here and i don't know how we keep
doing long distance all the time, and when i wrote you last time saying that i want to be serious you really didn't respond me what you wanted. The only thing you said was for me to come and vist
I can come and visit you but first I want you to tell me if what you want and how we going to keep this long distance.
And i still don't know if you want to be in relationship because you told me when you were here you even scared because i made you think about having family and staff after you met me and im not saying do it now but I want to have and start family one day and I really like you and I can see my self with you. But just because I want this i don't want to push u to the things u don't want
so please tell me what you want so i can make up my mind.

and let me know if you changed your number so i can call u or you can call me too .

I miss u !!!!!
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I own a fairly expensive home and I am working on my Ph.D in the sciences. I'm sure she feels I'm a good catch.

My older male friends have advised to me never get married. They are both divorced and paying child support. They enjoy playing the field.

But the fact that this one is from a country with traditional values makes me feel differently.
But she wants kids, and I am freaking out imagining myself having any.

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Your advice is much appreciated.

 

[CMNILS87]

Work on finishing your degree and taking care of your house and finances. She could be lovey dovey now and 3 months totally cold. Just do you man and go your own path.

 

[LiveYourDream]

All totaled how many weeks/months have you actually spent together physically? I get the initial two weeks but after that how much time did you actually spend happy and PHYSICALLY together?

 

[visions]

All totaled how many weeks/months have you actually spent together physically? I get the initial two weeks but after that how much time did you actually spend happy and PHYSICALLY together?

When i got back, a few weeks.
All in all the time spent together wasn't that long.

I'm not interested in marrying her now, i'm asking if a woman of her age with traditional values is worth it.

 

[LiveYourDream]

When i got back, a few weeks.
All in all the time spent together wasn't that long.

Regain YOUR center!!!
You stated that YOU ARE NOT interested in marriage You stated that the idea of kids freaks YOU out.

EVEN IF you were the most Beta man in the world, it is NEVER wise to EVEN CONSIDER GETTING ENGAGED to a woman, until you have at spent least a year together PHYSICALLY.

The initial "in love" phase and biochemistry that drives us and makes us feel so good through that period ALWAYS wears off. How you relate and get along without the massive buffer of "I LOVE YOU" chemicals is entirely different.

That said, I always find it questionable when someone needs to say, I am being honest or I am not playing games. As a truth teller it NEVER occurs to me to qualify what I say as if it may not be true.

Her biological clock is ticking, you appear to be a great financial provider and you got along well for A FEW WEEKS, that IS NOT THE BASIS OF EVEN CONSIDERING DISCUSSING MARRIAGE even if she was an HB1,000,000.

Any woman that is pushing you for to invest emotionally into the idea of marriage when you hardly know her is ALWAYS a RUN AWAY and NEVER LOOK BACK sign in my book. It is a woman who has her own agenda and it is not a balanced one and nor does it have ANYTHING to do with your well-being,

This reeks of emotional manipulation to serve her biological and financial desires.

The fact that after just a few weeks time together you are reconsidering SACRIFICING YOUR VALUES, for her, should tell you to STOP! GET SOME DISTANCE NOW!

Otherwise that nice house will likely become half hers, and where she lives with your kids, while you pay her monthly support, to do so while you live in an apartment somewhere and get occasional visitation with your kids.

If you do see her, which I don't recommend, and you have sex, DO NOT give her access to your sperm in any way. A quick little touch of those guys and a finger in herself and you could be lined up with child support for the next 18 years.

I have no doubt she came across as charming, friendly, sexy, attractive, etc. I wholeheartedly tell you that a few weeks of that facade is NOT likely to be more than just that, a FACADE. Even if she was genuine, (which I wouldn't believe till you have been married for 10 years) YOU DO NOT SHARE THE SAME VALUES! She wants marriage and kids, SOONER THAN LATER, you DO NOT and nor are you in a hurry to change your mind in anyway.

YOU HAVE NOTHING TO GAIN FROM TAKING SUCH A BLIND LEAP--NOTHING!!!

Everything about this screams regret to me!!!

No SANE woman WITHOUT AN ULTERIOR MOTIVE pushes a man toward marriage (& kids), after only spending a few weeks in person together!!!

You are a smart man! Act accordingly!

Walk away and never look back! Emotional hooks can run deep. In my case I was targeted and played for 2 YEARS before he even got any tangible gains. I understand others will be played much longer just to set things up, if needed, if you are considered a desirable target for another's gain. I was played for 3 more years after the initial set-up. Watch out!

Rant over.

 

[visions]

Wow, that was a lot and i appreciate you commenting.

I do want to stress that 1) we have been communicating for more than a year, 2) her culture and values are traditional. 3) in her culture it's acceptable to bring up marriage like that.

I think point 2) is what makes this case different.

I'm not interested in marrying her now, i'm asking if a woman of her age with traditional values is worth it.
When we met i was (and still am) driving a beater, and i was renting a room, living frugally. She was ok with this, so it doesn't appear she is golddigging. I only bought the house later.

I should add that i would never get married without a prenup.

 

[LiveYourDream]

Wow, that was a lot and i appreciate your advice.
I do want to stress that 1) we have been communicating for more than a year, 2) her culture and values are traditional.
I

People can think they are a mutual match based on written or even Skype communication. I can not emphasize enough that it DOES NOT COMPARE TO ACTUAL PHYSICAL TIME SPENT TOGETHER!! I would not even equate a year of long distance communication with one week of living together. They are world's apart. I understand you appreciate her culture and the traditional values. Until you experience those IN ACTION, IN PERSON, OVER A LONG PERIOD OF TIME, for YOURSELF, they are just words!!! They are just a representation in your mind of what you hope her to be UNTIL you have actually gotten to know her, IN PERSON, and EXPERIENCED HER IN REALITY, for at least a year, you really do not know, you only project, fantasize and hope.


I do not suggest this at all. I think you are best walking away. I really do. I would not trust any woman or man that pushes marriage with so little physical contact, regardless of her traditional values or culture.

If you decide to risk it all and she continues to push and TRULY, DEEPLY believes you are her soul mate, LET HER CHANGE HER LIFE and HER FINANCE IT ALL, to move near you so you two can date (NOT EXCLUSIVELY), WITH NO AGENDA OR PROMISES, for at least a year, before ANY FURTHER talk of marriage. Even then it can ONLY be your idea. In the meanwhile you continue to lead YOUR life focused on your goals and dreams. She will either truly be into you or truly be focused enough to manipulate you eventually so she can gain what she wants from you.

By the way, will she gain citizenship or anything of that nature, in addition to finances, marriage and kids?

 

[Malcontent]

If a chick can't just be with you and be happy, there's a hidden agenda. Why is a contract needed?

Marriage = hidden agenda.

 

[visions]

The point about her moving here is a valid one. That is prerequisite.

She is already a citizen....

A big thing i want to mention is that when we met i was (and still am) driving a beater, and i was renting a room, living frugally. I was living cheap and she was ok with it, so it doesn't appear she is golddigging. Further, i bought the house later on.

 

[LiveYourDream]

The point about her moving here is a valid one.

She is alreay a citizen....

A big thing i want to mebtion is that when we met i was (and still am) driving a beater, and i was renting a room. I was living cheap and she was ok with it, so it doesn't appear she is golddigging. Further, i bought the house later on.

And you have been communicating so she has been aware of your on going success and new home etc, yes?
Gold digging or not, pushing for marriage with little in person contact is NEVER a balanced or healthy perspective.
As the poster above said, WHY EVEN THE DISCUSSION of marriage? Why not just take the natural progression and have her live near you and spend time together?

 

[LiveYourDream]

Half of marriages or so fail, even with the two loving each other and generally really having gotten to know each other first. Those are horrible odds. Why would you entertain a discussion about marriage when you yourself are not an advocate of marriage and doing so with someone you have next no time with, means your odds of a happy marriage are FAR, FAR, FAR LESS than 50%. Easily less than 25% and likely much, much less still.

Are you a betting man? Would you be willing to flip a coin for your house, your assets, and heart, right this minute, knowing nothing else? That's essentially what you are talking about.

Edit: Generally everyone believes their marriage will be on the lasting side (usually).

 

[LiveYourDream]

The point about her moving here is a valid one.

She is already a citizen....

A big thing i want to mention is that when we met i was (and still am) driving a beater, and i was renting a room, living frugally. I was living cheap and she was ok with it, so it doesn't appear she is golddigging. Further, i bought the house later on.

She wasn't here doing it with you! YOU were living frugally driving a beater! You were not asking/expecting HER to also be driving a beater and living frugally too! BIG DIFFERENCE!

She's not dreaming of moving here and marrying you so she too can live frugally and drive a beater, especially as your salary increases and you make even more money.

 

[visions]

I seem to have given the impression that i was considering marrying her right now. I won't, as i would have to physically be with her longer.

I meant to gather feedback on whether or not it is a bad idea to marry a woman of that age given the fact she has traditional values.

I hope this clarifies possible confusion.

 

[LiveYourDream]

I seem to have given the impression that i was considering marrying her right now. I won't, as i would have to physically be with her longer.

I meant to gather feedback on whether or not it is a bad idea to marry a woman of that age given the fact she has traditional values.

I think the fact that it is EVEN a question in your head says you have oneitis!!!!

She will turn 31 this year. If you wait a year to know her, a year to get married. At the earliest, she will be turning 33 when she gets pregnant if you wait till you hypothetically get married. Women who want kids do not want to delay too long. I imagine she will be really edgy about having to even wait that long "just to try" and get pregnant.

 

[LiveYourDream]

Truth--How many other woman have you gone out with in the last 12 months?
The last 24 months? How many other short term and long term relationships have you already had? How many and how long?

I suspect your sense of urgency and her sense of specialness may come from lack of seeing/experiencing other women.

 

[visions]

Truth--How many other woman have you gone out with in the last 12 months?
The last 24 months? How many other short term and long term relationships have you already had? How many and how long?

I suspect your sense of urgency and her sense of specialness may come from lack of seeing/experiencing other women.

Last summer, right after she disappeared on me, i banged a flight attendant (met her on a plane), had a 6 week fling with another woman, banged my ex, and am currently banging a petite Chinese girl (she is OK looking). In addition, had dates in between.

I like HB9 because she is down to earth (probably due to her being raised in Ethiopia), and seems like she knows her role as a woman. And of course she is stunning.

 

[LiveYourDream]

Great...like her, bang her, have fun with her...

DO NOT suddenly feel driven to discuss and consider marriage and potential baby making timelines, with any woman, no matter what their perceived value is, when you have only spent a handful weeks together in person, ever!

 

[visions]

Great...like her, bang her, have fun with her...

DO NOT suddenly feel driven to discuss and consider marriage and potential baby making timelines, with any woman, no matter what their perceived value is, when you have only spent a handful weeks together in person, ever!

Definitely agree!

 

[LiveYourDream]

Definitely agree!

It is easy for a man to get wrapped up into a women's emotions and desires and want to please her. Do not EVER sacrifice YOURSELF or YOUR VALUES to please a woman!! EVER!

 

[visions]

Correction: HB9 is 29 years of age. Met her when we were both 27.

Would also like to add that immediately after our first date, we went to a get together at the house of one of her friends. Introducing a suitor to your friends is a big deal in her culture.



Mature DJs, please chime in on this thread