need advice: 30 year old HB9 wants marriage and children

[visions]

Fellow Mature DJ's, I need your advice here!

I'm hardly the kind to ask for advice, but this is one of those occasions where I really need it.

In November 2014 I met an HB9 at a mall in D.C (cold approaching). At the time she was 28 years old (she turned 30 last October). She is from Ethiopia, and has been in the U.S. since the age of 17. She seems to have traditional family values which I find attractive.

Here are some pictures of her:
http://imgur.com/m1Tu4yk
http://imgur.com/AiTj45v


We hung out for 2 weeks before I went overseas. She got attached quick during those 2 weeks. I told her I never was so attracted to another woman before (and I meant it), and she made me re-consider my wish to never get married. The fact that she made me re-think my decision scared me.

We kept in touch while I was gone. When I came back to the U.S. last summer we re-united, but she became upset that I was still talking (on a friendly level) to my ex, and so she disappeared on me. I then left to the West Coast to start grad school later in the summer. A few months later we started talking again.

Here is an email she sent 2 days ago, I have yet to respond:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
hi Visions how r u? sorry i didn't respond you because i went to my country for two weeks to visit my grandmother. Hope all is well with u

and how is school going?
Look, I really want our relationship to work so bad, im not playing games either , i know you are there for school and I have the same thing here and i don't know how we keep
doing long distance all the time, and when i wrote you last time saying that i want to be serious you really didn't respond me what you wanted. The only thing you said was for me to come and vist
I can come and visit you but first I want you to tell me if what you want and how we going to keep this long distance.
And i still don't know if you want to be in relationship because you told me when you were here you even scared because i made you think about having family and staff after you met me and im not saying do it now but I want to have and start family one day and I really like you and I can see my self with you. But just because I want this i don't want to push u to the things u don't want
so please tell me what you want so i can make up my mind.

and let me know if you changed your number so i can call u or you can call me too .

I miss u !!!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



I own a fairly expensive home and I am working on my Ph.D in the sciences. I'm sure she feels I'm a good catch.

My older male friends have advised to me never get married. They are both divorced and paying child support. They enjoy playing the field.

But the fact that this one is from a country with traditional values makes me feel differently.
But she wants kids, and I am freaking out imagining myself having any.

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Your advice is much appreciated.

 

[CMNILS87]

Work on finishing your degree and taking care of your house and finances. She could be lovey dovey now and 3 months totally cold. Just do you man and go your own path.

 

[visions]

All totaled how many weeks/months have you actually spent together physically? I get the initial two weeks but after that how much time did you actually spend happy and PHYSICALLY together?

When i got back, a few weeks.
All in all the time spent together wasn't that long.

I'm not interested in marrying her now, i'm asking if a woman of her age with traditional values is worth it.

 

[visions]

Wow, that was a lot and i appreciate you commenting.

I do want to stress that 1) we have been communicating for more than a year, 2) her culture and values are traditional. 3) in her culture it's acceptable to bring up marriage like that.

I think point 2) is what makes this case different.

I'm not interested in marrying her now, i'm asking if a woman of her age with traditional values is worth it.
When we met i was (and still am) driving a beater, and i was renting a room, living frugally. She was ok with this, so it doesn't appear she is golddigging. I only bought the house later.

I should add that i would never get married without a prenup.

 

[Malcontent]

If a chick can't just be with you and be happy, there's a hidden agenda. Why is a contract needed?

Marriage = hidden agenda.

 

[visions]

The point about her moving here is a valid one. That is prerequisite.

She is already a citizen....

A big thing i want to mention is that when we met i was (and still am) driving a beater, and i was renting a room, living frugally. I was living cheap and she was ok with it, so it doesn't appear she is golddigging. Further, i bought the house later on.

 

[visions]

I seem to have given the impression that i was considering marrying her right now. I won't, as i would have to physically be with her longer.

I meant to gather feedback on whether or not it is a bad idea to marry a woman of that age given the fact she has traditional values.

I hope this clarifies possible confusion.

 

[visions]

Truth--How many other woman have you gone out with in the last 12 months?
The last 24 months? How many other short term and long term relationships have you already had? How many and how long?

I suspect your sense of urgency and her sense of specialness may come from lack of seeing/experiencing other women.

Last summer, right after she disappeared on me, i banged a flight attendant (met her on a plane), had a 6 week fling with another woman, banged my ex, and am currently banging a petite Chinese girl (she is OK looking). In addition, had dates in between.

I like HB9 because she is down to earth (probably due to her being raised in Ethiopia), and seems like she knows her role as a woman. And of course she is stunning.

 

[visions]

Great...like her, bang her, have fun with her...

DO NOT suddenly feel driven to discuss and consider marriage and potential baby making timelines, with any woman, no matter what their perceived value is, when you have only spent a handful weeks together in person, ever!

Definitely agree!

 

[visions]

Correction: HB9 is 29 years of age. Met her when we were both 27.

Would also like to add that immediately after our first date, we went to a get together at the house of one of her friends. Introducing a suitor to your friends is a big deal in her culture.



Mature DJs, please chime in on this thread

 

[BeExcellent]

My take for whatever its worth is a little different. Through my business I know many people (men and women) from outside the US. Arab and African cultures are very conservative compared to the US. She knows she has something to offer. A "good" woman from a conservative and traditional culture often will not even take the time to date someone at all unless she knows she is not going to be used as a fling. It is not what "good" women do in these cultures. Furthermore, usually in a conservative culture the family asks the questions that she has posed to the OP, and they ask in a rather pointed manner.

I have an Egyptian physician friend who met his wife to be in an emergency room in Cairo. His mother-in-law to be was ill, and he was the treating physician on staff. He met his wife as she tended her ill mother. They were married after a short courtship. He never saw her in any state of undress before they were married and he is very happy and would do it again. I asked him once why he got married so quickly. His response was that in his culture there were few opportunities to meet people you had attraction for and that as a man he knew to move quickly and choose his wife else someone else would.

I have another friend from a prominent family in an African country who lives in the US and is herself successful, beautiful and very smart. She is both confused and dismayed by US men who are not typically traditional in the sense she knows and because she doesn't want to be someone's "fling" she chooses not to date unless she knows the man has a serious interest in her. To do otherwise would disgrace her family. Her family are high ranking officials on an international stage and she dares not cause controversy that may reflect upon them back home. So she rarely dates. Same very traditional values.

So I think some consideration should be given due to the cultural differences. Only the OP can decide what is right for him.

You could make the argument that the happily married men on SS all have "oneitis" too. I think this site is hypocritical to on the one hand champion finding an unspoiled unicorn from a traditional family while she is young and locking her down, versus juggling plates. There are sometimes outlier situations in life and only the OP can make those decisions.

I have another friend who took a young Russian bride after a long distance relationship and a few meetings before they got married. She is beautiful, feminine, charming, submissive and sweet. He is VERY happy. Not everywhere is the dating scene like the US. The OP has to discuss her expectations with her in a direct and candid way. This is the only means by which he can determine her motives. The idea that her motives MUST automatically be bad is painting with a broad brush.

Her age would concern me far less than her values. How long has she been in US? Is she also studying for an advanced degree?

Typically long distance fails. Typically situations like this one fail. Only the OP can know what he should do. If she is Ethiopian and here for an education she is likely from a well-to-do family or influential family who can afford to send her here. The OP must make these decisions. I'm not sure how much help screaming "No" really is.

Maybe she's a unicorn. Who knows? It is easy to forget that they exist but they do. How many here would recognize one? That's more the trouble I think and that is for the OP to figure out.

 

[Young OG]

Do not get married. Its not worth it. You hand her a bomb she can pretty much drop at anytime she wants. When she drops it, you will lose your house and most of what you own. If you have a child with her, you will be paying child support. Marriage is a good arrangement for a woman, but its bad for a man.

 

[glass half full]

I believe you should get to know her family very well (this will tell you a lot about her). And her friends (same reason). don't be paranoid, just keep your head and be a detective. A friendly one of course...Ordinarily I would say nay on this in most cases, but this one you may have a genuine chance with. Watch, learn and most importantly listen to your gut instinct (not your balls! lol)

 

[Bible_Belt]

She's not bad looking, but I don't know if I'd call her a HB9.

Having kids when only one parent wants them is a pretty sh!tty thing to do to the kids. I always wondered why my dad was never that interested in me as a kid - turns out, mom tricked him into having me.

 

[dustmuffin]

I think live your dreams covered it. Don't get married.

 

[Rainman4707]

This situation you talk about. I would say no to getting married.

Unfortunatley, I agree with the principle of what my uncle told me & he's had two failed marriages. He said something similar to what "live your dreams" said "Don't get married or have kids with someone until you have been with them for eighteen months."

 

[visions]

Thanks for the input guys.
Do any of you have kids?

Do you think her upbringing is a mitigating factor?

I'm amazed that even though i lived like a cheapo in D.C., where people have money, she looked past my old car and frugal ways.

She later told me that when i approached her, she felt i was saying real things and that attracted her.

I agree a prenup is the way to go for any man that marries.

 

[sodbuster]

What religion?, How fat is mom? How close are your beliefs to hers? Do you get along with the family? All these things play a bigger part of your life than you'd guess.... I don't think you'd have as high a chance of Divorce with a traditionally minded woman....but, guard your heart and your money. Set up a pre-nup, set up a trust to put your house in, etc. But none of that matters if you get divorced in a liberal state.....

 

[visions]

What religion?, How fat is mom? How close are your beliefs to hers? Do you get along with the family? All these things play a bigger part of your life than you'd guess.... I don't think you'd have as high a chance of Divorce with a traditionally minded woman....but, guard your heart and your money. Set up a pre-nup, set up a trust to put your house in, etc. But none of that matters if you get divorced in a liberal state.....

I haven't seen her mom, but her brother is thin. Her parents are still together. She is Ethiopian Orthodox, i was raised Catholic but am now agnostic. Not sure if she really follows it, but doesn't appear religious. I grew up in a single mother household looking out for myself, and grew to disdain the world, telling myself i did not want to leave anything behind. But if i have kids i will.

 

[visions]

N O T A 9

Ok George Clooney