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Might have hit rock bottom due to alcoholism, but don't get that click

Romanemp22

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This is just a rant, I have no respect for myself, I don't expect any of you either, I've become an absolute disgrace.

My country went in lockdown beginning of March, that is where it all started to go wrong I think. That plus a girl.
Was bored most of the time, so started drinking every day in the evening. Then was gaming online with some friends in the afternoon and thought "well a beer or shot might make it even more fun". In the beginning it was still 'ok', but I started drinking more and more. I can count the days where I didn't have a drink from half of March till today on one hand.

After the lockdown I had to go back to work, I do want to make clear I never went to work intoxicated, but 5 minutes after I got home, I had a drink in me. There was a period these were at least 2 shots of vodka/whiskey (after 1h30 I usually had like 5 shots in total).

The other part of the story is a particular girl I met at work. HB9. I'm a very shy guy, but I managed to text her and we were texting a lot, nearly every day and some great conversations, but at work I was just too shy to just talk to her. Those great conversations happened because I was usually slightly intoxicated, but it never got to the point where I was over the top. These were naturally flowing conversations, just like a normal person could have with a girl he's interested in and where she's interested too. I could because I felt like it (because of the alcohol). It never 'hurted' our friendship, on the contrary, it got better and better. I was amazed I could be like this and I could get this attention from a hb9, but it caused an alcohol dependency... When I woke up in the morning sober, I felt useless again: should I text her something? does she still like me? why didn't I receive a text from her yet?...

The last month and a half it really went downhill though. I still don't have to go to work that often. There were some days I started drinking before noon. There were days I just spent in bed drinking. One day about 4 weeks back it just was too much, was crazy drunk at 1pm and just started being annoying towards her (stuff like "text me, blow up my phone, I think something is going on between us,...). Ofcourse our conversations haven't been the same ever since. To be honest, she tried to reconnect, but I just can't anymore, I'm too ashamed. I still drink almost every day, it's less though, but it's still too much.

Before the lockdown I had a great looking physique, I went to the gym nearly every day and was paying attention to my food and alcohol intake. I've gotten to the point again where I go to the gym again, but I feel so fvcking miserable because of her. I've always been shy and had low self-esteem all my life, but I'm just a fraction of who I was right now and I don't know how to get out of this.

I've started seeing a psychologist, but to be honest, I don't know if it's gonna work. I do realize it's all in my mind and I've never been this low in my life before. But I don't know how to recover. And I'm afraid I'm becoming a guy who I never wanted to become.
You need to snap the fvck out of that sh1t because its a downroll spirall. I know its easier said than done but you are tougher than that, so what If you fvck up with this one girl, you will meet another one eventually. Start hitting gym, also droping alcohol and start eating well again and you can snap back. What led to you being mentally weak prior drinking problem? Did you have some tough period prior that because that can be the stressor
 

Noseekey

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What makes it especially sh!tty when waking up sober is that you've tied the positive qualities you displayed while drinking to the substance. So you feel you need the substance to be the way you liked being, that's the lie alcohol tells you. In truth that's the way you actually are, the alcohol is just the excuse you need to stop inhibiting yourself.

So when you do get over your alcoholism, remember this. Alcohol doesn't change who you are, it just temporarily softens your inhibitions. You hit the sweet spot when a little tipsy, indicating you need to practice being a bit less inhibited while sober. As you get more drunk you lose more and more inhibitions, as you have seen there is such a thing as being too uninhibited, that's when you embarrass yourself.

Just a little bit less inhibited, a little more "fvck it" attitude and you'll get back to that place you want to be. Make it a point to do it without alcohol, just to be sure you anchor this confidence to yourself and not a substance.

As for the alcohol addiction itself I don't have the knowledge or experience to give advice on that, but the advice about that already given here seems good.
Thanks for writing this man...I know it a little random having me pop out of nowhere but this is the very thing I needed to hear. Your time spent formulating this has been so greatly appreciated and has most likely changed a life for the better.
 

stringpuller

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Seams like SS is becoming a place for theraputic advice.
So when you do get over your alcoholism, remember this. Alcohol doesn't change who you are,
Tell that to my brother. This isn't true for everyone. Dude a switch literally switches in this guy at about the 6th beer.
Im not the only one who sees it in the family.
Been this way his whole life and when i say jekkl and Hyde i mean it literally.
When sober. Different dude altogether.

Seems SS going to have to add a therapy sub catergory
 

Trez

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So now I've been drinking for three days straight. I ran out of money today. I started walking back to my halfway house, i stopped and thought "man in more drunk enough, i drank a 24oz 4 loko hard seitlzer, but it's not enough." stopped in my tracks, turned around stopped, started walking back. The first person I see, some 50 yo black woman I just said "hey mami, could you help me out with a dollar?" as she pulled out her wallet and starts fingering two dollar bills i says "Anything will help" this bish literally says fvck it and puts a $20 bill in my hand. The first person I run game on all day. I'm a seasoned hustler at times. ALL women are mami and they love being called mami, or baby, or princess, or honey.
 

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Murkserious

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If you really did good on you. That means your aren't drinking at all, smoking weed, using cocaine in any form, and not using opioids or opiates. Keep it that way. I can't seem to hardly seem sober, but I wish I could one day and the sooner the better. I'm so tired of living this way but it seems to be me difficult for me than many people. I can get ***** but drugs are better. Being on the streets is a horrible life and you must resort to a form of super game. It's like being numb at all times. Can't trust anyone. Feels hopeless. The best way is to be completely clean all the time.
No, I just meant rock bottom. I still drink occasionally, but not daily alone in my house for the sake of it, maybe once a week.

I stopped smoking weed years ago.

Cocaine is on offer at birthdays/events etc. and sometimes I do partake.

I just have complete control and no dependence on any substance. However, I enjoy substances and they're in my social circles.

I've said this before cocaine is not a big deal unless you are doing it weekly or every few weeks.
 

Trez

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No, I just meant rock bottom. I still drink occasionally, but not daily alone in my house for the sake of it, maybe once a week.

I stopped smoking weed years ago.

Cocaine is on offer at birthdays/events etc. and sometimes I do partake.

I just have complete control and no dependence on any substance. However, I enjoy substances and they're in my social circles.

I've said this before cocaine is not a big deal unless you are doing it weekly or every few weeks.
You only think you have control. Ha aha a Hahaha Hehe, if you had control you wouldn't do any of it. Now quit being a ***** and either smoke crack or cut it all out.
 

Trez

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B1tch a$$ delusional fvck thinks he has a choice. Delusional like a woman.
 

Murkserious

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You only think you have control. Ha aha a Hahaha Hehe, if you had control you wouldn't do any of it. Now quit being a ***** and either smoke crack or cut it all out.
It's not one extreme or the other... life isn't as black and white as that.

I'm in a great place, I'm sorry that makes you feel negative.
 

Solomon

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Covid19 has been tough especially for people who are addicts or bored or just lack willpower
I myself noticed myself drinking more, every day at one point. Recently I keep the drinking to the weekends
It's easy to fall in the darkhole OP trust me I know especially when you're lonely and depressed
 

Trez

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It's not one extreme or the other... life isn't as black and white as that.

I'm in a great place, I'm sorry that makes you feel negative.
Don't take anything I wrote when I was drinking serious. I don't remember remember a lot of it. I slipped up, meant to only have a drink, smoked crack once I was drunk because I just don't are when I drink. Drank for another three days straight till i pass out. And I've been hung over for a few days.
 

Trez

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Seams like SS is becoming a place for theraputic advice.

Tell that to my brother. This isn't true for everyone. Dude a switch literally switches in this guy at about the 6th beer.
Im not the only one who sees it in the family.
Been this way his whole life and when i say jekkl and Hyde i mean it literally.
When sober. Different dude altogether.

Seems SS going to have to add a therapy sub catergory
Ss is like a recovery program for hardcase newcomers already. Look at the no contact thread, I can't even read that sh1t because it's absolutely miserable, not that i haven't struggled with the same thing in the past.
 

Trez

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Op you have a few options. If your have health insurance good. You could always go to your doctor and be honest, ask him for a Librium taper, but he may not give it to you to do at home. Librium is the first benzodiazepine ever developed, it has a very long half-life, actually every other benzodiazepine was created from Librium, Librium metabolizes into every other benzo as you're liver metabolizes it. It's commonly used in detoxes.

Ask to be put on gabapentin too. It's a nerve pain medication developed for fibromyalgia, but has been shown very effective for detoxes and treating cravings or paws (post acute withdrawals), it's commonly prescribed as an anti anxiety medication for people with substance abuse issues, it's non-narcotic.

Kratom would definitely work but might turn into another addiction that you'll need more and more of, it can cause constipation (sh1tting green bricks), make you skinny. And has withdrawals that are acutely less intense than opiates, but last longer, ie malaise and insomnia.

Phenibut is an option, but it's habit forming and the withdrawals are worse than alcohol depending how long you've been drinking. It's as bad as, possibly worse than benzo withdrawals.

You could try treatment such as rehab, IOP (intensive out patient treatment), or long term faith based rehabs are usually free or very cheap.

I would suggest either toughing it out if you can, or only gabapentin. But gabapentin will also taken a certain level of will power.

Kava helps too. Its a root that Polynesians make a drink out of. It acts on your gaba receptors. But it's kind of short lived and for me personally, it causes anxiety once the effects wear off. I ended up going on crazy binges with that too.

It certain ways I have extreme will power. But when it comes to mind altering substances it really Jacks me up.

Stay away from antidepressants, antipsychotics, psychiatric medications are poison.

I've met several men who are bad alcoholics and have developed seizure disorders from their drinking. They either quit drinking and have to take antiseizure meds, or they have to keep drinking whenever they're awake and some of them still might have a seizure.

I met this one couple at a bus stop when I was travelling from where I'm at to Miami, did it a few times when I was on the streets. He was friendly as fvck, but they looked absolutely tattered. He straight up told me that if he doesn't drink liquor every four hours he starts having seizures. He gave me vodka and a few smokes too.

How it works with actual alcoholics is that, as you drink and your blood alcohol level rises you get an opioid like feeling, and that's what they chase. For me i can drink liquor and I may feel like sh1t, but within a few hours i FEEL like I'm sober again, even though a breathalyzer will tell you differently.
 
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Murkserious

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Don't take anything I wrote when I was drinking serious. I don't remember remember a lot of it. I slipped up, meant to only have a drink, smoked crack once I was drunk because I just don't are when I drink. Drank for another three days straight till i pass out. And I've been hung over for a few days.
I didn't which is why I wish you well bro. I've been in dark places and done stupid drunken ****. This sin't a place to ridicule, we build each other up here.

Have you thought a bout therapy? The free kind as I know you prob can't afford it. Or even talking to friends and family.
 

Trez

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I didn't which is why I wish you well bro. I've been in dark places and done stupid drunken ****. This sin't a place to ridicule, we build each other up here.

Have you thought a bout therapy? The free kind as I know you prob can't afford it. Or even talking to friends and family.
What is a therapist going to do for me? When I went to rehab for 30 days not once was I able to feel comfortable to really talk, my mind goes blank and I become emotionless. Or after rehab, in iop I had another therapist for a couple months. I don't know what to say to them and they don't really know what to do with me. The most open I've been with someone is this sponsor I had from AA and only made it to the fourth step before I just ghosted him. I don't trust anyone tbqh. Or maybe I just don't care. I hated groups in rehab and iop. Like I'm going to talk about my feelings with strangers. Or at faith farm we had to journal every night. There's kind of a system and you follow it when you journal. The graduates read it and assist the instructor and have you read it outloud and talk about it. For example something someone might have said it done that bothered you, why did it bother you, how can you deal with it. Problem was nothing bothered me, i simply didn't give a fvck about any of those people. I keep to myself mostly. I don't allow myself to get emotional attachments, or I just shut it out and don't think about it. I hate therapists.
 

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Murkserious

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What is a therapist going to do for me? When I went to rehab for 30 days not once was I able to feel comfortable to really talk, my mind goes blank and I become emotionless. Or after rehab, in iop I had another therapist for a couple months. I don't know what to say to them and they don't really know what to do with me. The most open I've been with someone is this sponsor I had from AA and only made it to the fourth step before I just ghosted him. I don't trust anyone tbqh. Or maybe I just don't care. I hated groups in rehab and iop. Like I'm going to talk about my feelings with strangers. Or at faith farm we had to journal every night. There's kind of a system and you follow it when you journal. The graduates read it and assist the instructor and have you read it outloud and talk about it. For example something someone might have said it done that bothered you, why did it bother you, how can you deal with it. Problem was nothing bothered me, i simply didn't give a fvck about any of those people. I keep to myself mostly. I don't allow myself to get emotional attachments, or I just shut it out and don't think about it. I hate therapists.
Oh, so you're just giving up then? When my mother died a few years ago and left me all alone in this world with no family I hit the drink and drugs hard. I dug myself out of that hole after a few years through therapy and a burning desire to LIVE. LIVE HAPPY. Don't wallow, don't even post your BS on this forum. I'm not gonna have it.

You need to get sober and find a reason to live, right now you're just surviving, that isn't good enough. I'm just words on a screen, you need to dig deep and find a reason to live bro or you are going to die way before your time.
 

Trez

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I didn't which is why I wish you well bro. I've been in dark places and done stupid drunken ****. This sin't a place to ridicule, we build each other up here.

Have you thought a bout therapy? The free kind as I know you prob can't afford it. Or even talking to friends and family.
I've had people literally tell me that I am one of the most even keeled, relaxed people they've ever met. More than once. I've told them, "yeah well you just can't read my thoughts" I just act extremely aloof at all times, as long as anyone isn't putting their hands on me, and they never do.


Oh, so you're just giving up then? When my mother died a few years ago and left me all alone in this world with no family I hit the drink and drugs hard. I dug myself out of that hole after a few years through therapy and a burning desire to LIVE. LIVE HAPPY. Don't wallow, don't even post your BS on this forum. I'm not gonna have it.

You need to get sober and find a reason to live, right now you're just surviving, that isn't good enough. I'm just words on a screen, you need to dig deep and find a reason to live bro or you are going to die way before your time.
I never said I was giving up. I'm just used to it. I just stopped giving a fvck about anything, but I'll still work and do what I have to do, usually. I guess I never looked at it as giving up, I just kind of became this way and never thought about it because why would I think about it? I just kind of learned to do whatever I feel like, but in a way where I stay out of jail because I absolutely hate feeling confined.

I was so aloof when I came back to Florida this time, this pretty hard @ss older guy I worked for referred to me as "capo" or something once. Which really made me think. I didn't realize I was acting like that at all. But people will leave you the fvck alone when you act like that.

Even at faith farm, after about ten days, the instructor said "are you here yet? I mean I know you're physically present, but you're not really here"
 

HiTtc

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An update

The drinking is way less, there has only been two days where I had a serious hangover.

But I’m depressed. She doesn’t text anymore and when I get to work or any other social setting I feel worthless. Everyone seems happy, joking around,... I spend my days as most as possible in bed. Can hardly drag myself to the gym and skip many days.

It’s a combination of being heartbroken and the fact that I can not let go of the stupid things I’ve done when I was drunk and that I drank so much and let myself go.

I can not see a way out. I started seeing a psychologist but until now that’s not working, it even got worse.
 

redskinsfan92

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An update

The drinking is way less, there has only been two days where I had a serious hangover.

But I’m depressed. She doesn’t text anymore and when I get to work or any other social setting I feel worthless. Everyone seems happy, joking around,... I spend my days as most as possible in bed. Can hardly drag myself to the gym and skip many days.

It’s a combination of being heartbroken and the fact that I can not let go of the stupid things I’ve done when I was drunk and that I drank so much and let myself go.

I can not see a way out. I started seeing a psychologist but until now that’s not working, it even got worse.
Find something your passionate about and immerse yourself in it. Could be rock climbing, sailing, casino advantage play, drums, etc.
 

Trez

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An update

The drinking is way less, there has only been two days where I had a serious hangover.

But I’m depressed. She doesn’t text anymore and when I get to work or any other social setting I feel worthless. Everyone seems happy, joking around,... I spend my days as most as possible in bed. Can hardly drag myself to the gym and skip many days.

It’s a combination of being heartbroken and the fact that I can not let go of the stupid things I’ve done when I was drunk and that I drank so much and let myself go.

I can not see a way out. I started seeing a psychologist but until now that’s not working, it even got worse.
Man I can relate to that. But you have to consider that your building yourself up to relapse every time. It's like you're mind fvcking yourself into this pattern. Think about it, when you are sober and you think about something you did or said when drunk it causes you stress and anxiety and what's your reaction to that? Have a drink. I'm the same way. Plus with drinking I can do things i normally wouldn't do, sometimes illegal, because when I'm drinking I don't think about that kind of stuff. Or I might think about smoking crack, but I'm not going to, I'll just get a little tipsy and relax, but then next thing I know I'm getting some dope or doing something risky and crazy that I have no business doing.

I totally understand you think this is ridiculous. But you got to stop at some point. A therapist isn't going to help you stop drinking, maybe but I doubt it, that's if you're anything like me.

I would highly suggest you go talk to your doctor and ask for gabapentin, at minimum 400mg 3x a day, maybe 600mg. I was on 800mg. It'll help but it'll still take some discipline.

Honestly phenibut may be helpful if you can treat it like a medication and not take to much or everyday. Man I can't drink anymore because when I drink I like to drink til i pass out. I will drink malt liquor a couple days then I'm going right to liquor and last time I did that I went on a month long bender, I was coughing up green stuff, ****ting green stuff, my feet were in horrendous shape, the nurse was like what the fvck happened to you.

Even when I had been using a lot of kratom, dosing like 5 times a day, chain smoking, I found that when I took gabapentin I could go much longer in between doses, use less, and I didn't even really want to smoke cigs. Gabapentin is good for detoxing off of almost any substance and it helps prevent relapse.

But if you won't try that, at least with phenibut it's significantly less toxic to your body and it doesn't impair motor function. Phenibut has significantly more recreational value than gabapentin, but you should really try to focus on not chasing the euphoria

The thing that gives you that opioid like feeling, that euphoria, is your blood alcohol level rising. Once that tapers off and is level you're still drunk, but to get that euphoria back you have to drink more.

Any of the good drugs, or "noortropics" that really work well, are going to cause withdrawal symptoms btw.
 
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