Master Don Juan
- Apr 29, 2019
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I was in the same situation as you around the beginning of last year, except with weed and not with booze, but I've made huge inroads since then and my life has improved in kind. But the drug is not your problem, it's just the symptom.This is just a rant, I have no respect for myself, I don't expect any of you either, I've become an absolute disgrace.
My country went in lockdown beginning of March, that is where it all started to go wrong I think. That plus a girl.
Was bored most of the time, so started drinking every day in the evening. Then was gaming online with some friends in the afternoon and thought "well a beer or shot might make it even more fun". In the beginning it was still 'ok', but I started drinking more and more. I can count the days where I didn't have a drink from half of March till today on one hand.
After the lockdown I had to go back to work, I do want to make clear I never went to work intoxicated, but 5 minutes after I got home, I had a drink in me. There was a period these were at least 2 shots of vodka/whiskey (after 1h30 I usually had like 5 shots in total).
The other part of the story is a particular girl I met at work. HB9. I'm a very shy guy, but I managed to text her and we were texting a lot, nearly every day and some great conversations, but at work I was just too shy to just talk to her. Those great conversations happened because I was usually slightly intoxicated, but it never got to the point where I was over the top. These were naturally flowing conversations, just like a normal person could have with a girl he's interested in and where she's interested too. I could because I felt like it (because of the alcohol). It never 'hurted' our friendship, on the contrary, it got better and better. I was amazed I could be like this and I could get this attention from a hb9, but it caused an alcohol dependency... When I woke up in the morning sober, I felt useless again: should I text her something? does she still like me? why didn't I receive a text from her yet?...
The last month and a half it really went downhill though. I still don't have to go to work that often. There were some days I started drinking before noon. There were days I just spent in bed drinking. One day about 4 weeks back it just was too much, was crazy drunk at 1pm and just started being annoying towards her (stuff like "text me, blow up my phone, I think something is going on between us,...). Ofcourse our conversations haven't been the same ever since. To be honest, she tried to reconnect, but I just can't anymore, I'm too ashamed. I still drink almost every day, it's less though, but it's still too much.
Before the lockdown I had a great looking physique, I went to the gym nearly every day and was paying attention to my food and alcohol intake. I've gotten to the point again where I go to the gym again, but I feel so fvcking miserable because of her. I've always been shy and had low self-esteem all my life, but I'm just a fraction of who I was right now and I don't know how to get out of this.
I've started seeing a psychologist, but to be honest, I don't know if it's gonna work. I do realize it's all in my mind and I've never been this low in my life before. But I don't know how to recover. And I'm afraid I'm becoming a guy who I never wanted to become.
Your problem is that you think compulsively, and especially with being couped up like this, all you have to think about are your own thoughts. So you over-analyze everything and you think that you should somehow be able to control every factor that plays into how your life works, then you beat yourself up when you make a mistake which only leads to more thinking and more drinking, which then makes it even worse. Your thoughts are in a positive feedback loop, and this is very dangerous, as you've found out.
I would hazard a guess that you're smart and too intellectual and analytical for your own good.
First off, you need to realize that you can never control everything to the point where you don't make mistakes or get what you want. You have to accept that you are a small part of the universe as a whole that is constantly expressing itself moment by moment and it doesn't give two sh!ts about you or anyone else. Sh!t happens and there is nothing you can do about it except roll with the punches and not complain about that which you have no control over.
If you've seen the movie groundhog day that's a REALLY good analogy. The main character has a sudden fling with the female romantic interest and it's magical and flows like wine, but then every day he tries to force that interaction happen to again and she rejects him because it's not natural and the interaction flows like diarrhea. In the end he only gets with her and breaks the cycle of repeating the same day when he realizes that he has to just let things flow and accept that the outcome might not be what he wants. You are in the same situation with this woman and alcohol. The minute you stop drinking is the minute you start thinking and you get uptight and insecure again.
The solution to this problem is to learn to stop thinking. For me, it became a spiritual journey. I started working on meditation and cutting off the trains of thought that would lead to dark places or feed my insecurities. It didn't happen overnight, but over the course of a few months I no longer found myself thinking my way into self-destructive downward spirals. Nowadays I don't even get them anymore except when I smoke weed, so I've mostly eliminated that from my life.
All 12 step programs work on this same principle, as do all religions: Learn and accept that you can't control most things in life.
Also, this is a lifelong trajectory. Just like you have to keep going to the gym to stay ripped, you have to keep working on your mental fortitude to stay sharp, if you stop practicing your mind will weaken.
I highly recommend Zen and the book 'Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind".