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Might have hit rock bottom due to alcoholism, but don't get that click

HiTtc

Don Juan
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This is just a rant, I have no respect for myself, I don't expect any of you either, I've become an absolute disgrace.

My country went in lockdown beginning of March, that is where it all started to go wrong I think. That plus a girl.
Was bored most of the time, so started drinking every day in the evening. Then was gaming online with some friends in the afternoon and thought "well a beer or shot might make it even more fun". In the beginning it was still 'ok', but I started drinking more and more. I can count the days where I didn't have a drink from half of March till today on one hand.

After the lockdown I had to go back to work, I do want to make clear I never went to work intoxicated, but 5 minutes after I got home, I had a drink in me. There was a period these were at least 2 shots of vodka/whiskey (after 1h30 I usually had like 5 shots in total).

The other part of the story is a particular girl I met at work. HB9. I'm a very shy guy, but I managed to text her and we were texting a lot, nearly every day and some great conversations, but at work I was just too shy to just talk to her. Those great conversations happened because I was usually slightly intoxicated, but it never got to the point where I was over the top. These were naturally flowing conversations, just like a normal person could have with a girl he's interested in and where she's interested too. I could because I felt like it (because of the alcohol). It never 'hurted' our friendship, on the contrary, it got better and better. I was amazed I could be like this and I could get this attention from a hb9, but it caused an alcohol dependency... When I woke up in the morning sober, I felt useless again: should I text her something? does she still like me? why didn't I receive a text from her yet?...

The last month and a half it really went downhill though. I still don't have to go to work that often. There were some days I started drinking before noon. There were days I just spent in bed drinking. One day about 4 weeks back it just was too much, was crazy drunk at 1pm and just started being annoying towards her (stuff like "text me, blow up my phone, I think something is going on between us,...). Ofcourse our conversations haven't been the same ever since. To be honest, she tried to reconnect, but I just can't anymore, I'm too ashamed. I still drink almost every day, it's less though, but it's still too much.

Before the lockdown I had a great looking physique, I went to the gym nearly every day and was paying attention to my food and alcohol intake. I've gotten to the point again where I go to the gym again, but I feel so fvcking miserable because of her. I've always been shy and had low self-esteem all my life, but I'm just a fraction of who I was right now and I don't know how to get out of this.

I've started seeing a psychologist, but to be honest, I don't know if it's gonna work. I do realize it's all in my mind and I've never been this low in my life before. But I don't know how to recover. And I'm afraid I'm becoming a guy who I never wanted to become.
 

LARaiders85

Master Don Juan
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This is just a rant, I have no respect for myself, I don't expect any of you either, I've become an absolute disgrace.

My country went in lockdown beginning of March, that is where it all started to go wrong I think. That plus a girl.
Was bored most of the time, so started drinking every day in the evening. Then was gaming online with some friends in the afternoon and thought "well a beer or shot might make it even more fun". In the beginning it was still 'ok', but I started drinking more and more. I can count the days where I didn't have a drink from half of March till today on one hand.

After the lockdown I had to go back to work, I do want to make clear I never went to work intoxicated, but 5 minutes after I got home, I had a drink in me. There was a period these were at least 2 shots of vodka/whiskey (after 1h30 I usually had like 5 shots in total).

The other part of the story is a particular girl I met at work. HB9. I'm a very shy guy, but I managed to text her and we were texting a lot, nearly every day and some great conversations, but at work I was just too shy to just talk to her. Those great conversations happened because I was usually slightly intoxicated, but it never got to the point where I was over the top. These were naturally flowing conversations, just like a normal person could have with a girl he's interested in and where she's interested too. I could because I felt like it (because of the alcohol). It never 'hurted' our friendship, on the contrary, it got better and better. I was amazed I could be like this and I could get this attention from a hb9, but it caused an alcohol dependency... When I woke up in the morning sober, I felt useless again: should I text her something? does she still like me? why didn't I receive a text from her yet?...

The last month and a half it really went downhill though. I still don't have to go to work that often. There were some days I started drinking before noon. There were days I just spent in bed drinking. One day about 4 weeks back it just was too much, was crazy drunk at 1pm and just started being annoying towards her (stuff like "text me, blow up my phone, I think something is going on between us,...). Ofcourse our conversations haven't been the same ever since. To be honest, she tried to reconnect, but I just can't anymore, I'm too ashamed. I still drink almost every day, it's less though, but it's still too much.

Before the lockdown I had a great looking physique, I went to the gym nearly every day and was paying attention to my food and alcohol intake. I've gotten to the point again where I go to the gym again, but I feel so fvcking miserable because of her. I've always been shy and had low self-esteem all my life, but I'm just a fraction of who I was right now and I don't know how to get out of this.

I've started seeing a psychologist, but to be honest, I don't know if it's gonna work. I do realize it's all in my mind and I've never been this low in my life before. But I don't know how to recover.
I think your story is pretty common. Our gyms have been closed since March as well and my body is pretty much gone to s*** because I just really don't enjoy body weight stuff. I've also been drinking far too much, first out of boredom and then to manage anxiety(some probably caused by the drinking itself). I wouldn't be too hard on yourself but just try to win one day at a time.
 

mrgoodstuff

Master Don Juan
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This is just a rant, I have no respect for myself, I don't expect any of you either, I've become an absolute disgrace.

My country went in lockdown beginning of March, that is where it all started to go wrong I think. That plus a girl.
Was bored most of the time, so started drinking every day in the evening. Then was gaming online with some friends in the afternoon and thought "well a beer or shot might make it even more fun". In the beginning it was still 'ok', but I started drinking more and more. I can count the days where I didn't have a drink from half of March till today on one hand.

After the lockdown I had to go back to work, I do want to make clear I never went to work intoxicated, but 5 minutes after I got home, I had a drink in me. There was a period these were at least 2 shots of vodka/whiskey (after 1h30 I usually had like 5 shots in total).

The other part of the story is a particular girl I met at work. HB9. I'm a very shy guy, but I managed to text her and we were texting a lot, nearly every day and some great conversations, but at work I was just too shy to just talk to her. Those great conversations happened because I was usually slightly intoxicated, but it never got to the point where I was over the top. These were naturally flowing conversations, just like a normal person could have with a girl he's interested in and where she's interested too. I could because I felt like it (because of the alcohol). It never 'hurted' our friendship, on the contrary, it got better and better. I was amazed I could be like this and I could get this attention from a hb9, but it caused an alcohol dependency... When I woke up in the morning sober, I felt useless again: should I text her something? does she still like me? why didn't I receive a text from her yet?...

The last month and a half it really went downhill though. I still don't have to go to work that often. There were some days I started drinking before noon. There were days I just spent in bed drinking. One day about 4 weeks back it just was too much, was crazy drunk at 1pm and just started being annoying towards her (stuff like "text me, blow up my phone, I think something is going on between us,...). Ofcourse our conversations haven't been the same ever since. To be honest, she tried to reconnect, but I just can't anymore, I'm too ashamed. I still drink almost every day, it's less though, but it's still too much.

Before the lockdown I had a great looking physique, I went to the gym nearly every day and was paying attention to my food and alcohol intake. I've gotten to the point again where I go to the gym again, but I feel so fvcking miserable because of her. I've always been shy and had low self-esteem all my life, but I'm just a fraction of who I was right now and I don't know how to get out of this.

I've started seeing a psychologist, but to be honest, I don't know if it's gonna work. I do realize it's all in my mind and I've never been this low in my life before. But I don't know how to recover. And I'm afraid I'm becoming a guy who I never wanted to become.
Replace alcohol and her with gym time. I suggest dedicating a part of your life to it. Stay purposefully engaged in your activities.
 

mrgoodstuff

Master Don Juan
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I think your story is pretty common. Our gyms have been closed since March as well and my body is pretty much gone to s*** because I just really don't enjoy body weight stuff. I've also been drinking far too much, first out of boredom and then to manage anxiety(some probably caused by the drinking itself). I wouldn't be too hard on yourself but just try to win one day at a time.
Alcohol increases stress and anxiety.
 

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oldmanofthesea

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I have faith in you that you can get past the drinking. Difficult times we are in. But for future reference, do not invest so much time in being pen-pals with a girl. The whole time, you are thinking your investment will lead to something romantic, meanwhile she has already friend-zoned you and is just enjoying the attention and someone to talk to. Eventually once you get the courage to make a move, she will be horrified and also very confused as to why you would suddenly do this to her, which will make her break all communication with you. Never do that. If you like a girl, you make a move on her. If you are too shy or insecure to do that, then you need to address that in yourself through therapy, self development, reading books, reading this forum, watching videos, etc. Trying to pen-pal or nice your way into a girls pants has never worked for anyone and it is not an alternative option to the more direct, in-person approach.
 

TonyTenner

Senior Don Juan
Joined
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This is just a rant, I have no respect for myself, I don't expect any of you either, I've become an absolute disgrace.

My country went in lockdown beginning of March, that is where it all started to go wrong I think. That plus a girl.
Was bored most of the time, so started drinking every day in the evening. Then was gaming online with some friends in the afternoon and thought "well a beer or shot might make it even more fun". In the beginning it was still 'ok', but I started drinking more and more. I can count the days where I didn't have a drink from half of March till today on one hand.

After the lockdown I had to go back to work, I do want to make clear I never went to work intoxicated, but 5 minutes after I got home, I had a drink in me. There was a period these were at least 2 shots of vodka/whiskey (after 1h30 I usually had like 5 shots in total).

The other part of the story is a particular girl I met at work. HB9. I'm a very shy guy, but I managed to text her and we were texting a lot, nearly every day and some great conversations, but at work I was just too shy to just talk to her. Those great conversations happened because I was usually slightly intoxicated, but it never got to the point where I was over the top. These were naturally flowing conversations, just like a normal person could have with a girl he's interested in and where she's interested too. I could because I felt like it (because of the alcohol). It never 'hurted' our friendship, on the contrary, it got better and better. I was amazed I could be like this and I could get this attention from a hb9, but it caused an alcohol dependency... When I woke up in the morning sober, I felt useless again: should I text her something? does she still like me? why didn't I receive a text from her yet?...

The last month and a half it really went downhill though. I still don't have to go to work that often. There were some days I started drinking before noon. There were days I just spent in bed drinking. One day about 4 weeks back it just was too much, was crazy drunk at 1pm and just started being annoying towards her (stuff like "text me, blow up my phone, I think something is going on between us,...). Ofcourse our conversations haven't been the same ever since. To be honest, she tried to reconnect, but I just can't anymore, I'm too ashamed. I still drink almost every day, it's less though, but it's still too much.

Before the lockdown I had a great looking physique, I went to the gym nearly every day and was paying attention to my food and alcohol intake. I've gotten to the point again where I go to the gym again, but I feel so fvcking miserable because of her. I've always been shy and had low self-esteem all my life, but I'm just a fraction of who I was right now and I don't know how to get out of this.

I've started seeing a psychologist, but to be honest, I don't know if it's gonna work. I do realize it's all in my mind and I've never been this low in my life before. But I don't know how to recover. And I'm afraid I'm becoming a guy who I never wanted to become.
You have to tackle the alcohol issue first. I've been there before and I don't think it can be done alone. The first thing you can do is join an online group. One Year No Beer are good - you get access to their Facebook group, and they send daily emails. Set targets. Aim for 30 days, then 90. In your situation though, I'd also recommend AA. Just go and listen, you don't have to speak. Once you've got a few weeks alcohol free, then look at tackling your other issues. It sounds like confidence is your main issue. I'd recommend Mastery by Robert Greene. The only was you're going to gain confidence is by pushing yourself out of your comfort zones. The only way to begin to do that is to first stop drinking.
 

Serenity

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What makes it especially sh!tty when waking up sober is that you've tied the positive qualities you displayed while drinking to the substance. So you feel you need the substance to be the way you liked being, that's the lie alcohol tells you. In truth that's the way you actually are, the alcohol is just the excuse you need to stop inhibiting yourself.

So when you do get over your alcoholism, remember this. Alcohol doesn't change who you are, it just temporarily softens your inhibitions. You hit the sweet spot when a little tipsy, indicating you need to practice being a bit less inhibited while sober. As you get more drunk you lose more and more inhibitions, as you have seen there is such a thing as being too uninhibited, that's when you embarrass yourself.

Just a little bit less inhibited, a little more "fvck it" attitude and you'll get back to that place you want to be. Make it a point to do it without alcohol, just to be sure you anchor this confidence to yourself and not a substance.

As for the alcohol addiction itself I don't have the knowledge or experience to give advice on that, but the advice about that already given here seems good.
 

andreihaha

Master Don Juan
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In the end, it's all up to you.
You are stronger than you might think. It's all in your head.
 

Mauser96

Master Don Juan
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In the end, it's all up to you.
You are stronger than you might think. It's all in your head.
Not quite true.

It may be all in his head right now, or it may be a crutch.

On the other hand, if his body has become physically addicted, trust me....it is not all in your head then. The withdrawal is extremely real.

The best description I ever heard of withdrawal is "it feels like every nerve is on fire, like your skin is screaming"

Make a plan to stop drinking . Period. Focus on other stuff for a few days

If you find yourself suffering withdrawal symptoms, see a doctor. If you need a drink, have one or two to ease the withdrawal, and have a friend take you to the doctor. This is serious business.

The way alcohol is promoted in our society makes me sick, to be honest.

It is an addictive substance, and no one is immune.

Don't be embarrassed to go, just go. Your life depends on it.
 

stringpuller

Master Don Juan
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OP needs professional help. Maybe a near death experience who knows. You are self aware enough to write this so maybe there is hope for you.

One thing i do know about your shyness. Educate yourself on social anxiety.
Learn to be expressive with people and see what happens.

Drinking? Can become a problem but i like a good bourbon and don't apologize for it. If its a problem seek help but make sure your teacher is a recovered so called alcoholic. Or a recovered addict.
 

Toddz

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When COVID hit, I began drinking wine almost every night while cooking dinner. It was mainly out of boredom. I slowly began to put on some weight because of the wine and the fact that the gyms are closed. One morning, I looked in the mirror all hungover and realized I was getting a gut and my face was all bloated. I decided that was enough and haven't had a drop of alcohol in over 3 months. Alcohol is poison and brings nothing beneficial to your life. I've already lost 16 pounds this summer and feel great.
 

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Trez

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This is just a rant, I have no respect for myself, I don't expect any of you either, I've become an absolute disgrace.

My country went in lockdown beginning of March, that is where it all started to go wrong I think. That plus a girl.
Was bored most of the time, so started drinking every day in the evening. Then was gaming online with some friends in the afternoon and thought "well a beer or shot might make it even more fun". In the beginning it was still 'ok', but I started drinking more and more. I can count the days where I didn't have a drink from half of March till today on one hand.

After the lockdown I had to go back to work, I do want to make clear I never went to work intoxicated, but 5 minutes after I got home, I had a drink in me. There was a period these were at least 2 shots of vodka/whiskey (after 1h30 I usually had like 5 shots in total).

The other part of the story is a particular girl I met at work. HB9. I'm a very shy guy, but I managed to text her and we were texting a lot, nearly every day and some great conversations, but at work I was just too shy to just talk to her. Those great conversations happened because I was usually slightly intoxicated, but it never got to the point where I was over the top. These were naturally flowing conversations, just like a normal person could have with a girl he's interested in and where she's interested too. I could because I felt like it (because of the alcohol). It never 'hurted' our friendship, on the contrary, it got better and better. I was amazed I could be like this and I could get this attention from a hb9, but it caused an alcohol dependency... When I woke up in the morning sober, I felt useless again: should I text her something? does she still like me? why didn't I receive a text from her yet?...

The last month and a half it really went downhill though. I still don't have to go to work that often. There were some days I started drinking before noon. There were days I just spent in bed drinking. One day about 4 weeks back it just was too much, was crazy drunk at 1pm and just started being annoying towards her (stuff like "text me, blow up my phone, I think something is going on between us,...). Ofcourse our conversations haven't been the same ever since. To be honest, she tried to reconnect, but I just can't anymore, I'm too ashamed. I still drink almost every day, it's less though, but it's still too much.

Before the lockdown I had a great looking physique, I went to the gym nearly every day and was paying attention to my food and alcohol intake. I've gotten to the point again where I go to the gym again, but I feel so fvcking miserable because of her. I've always been shy and had low self-esteem all my life, but I'm just a fraction of who I was right now and I don't know how to get out of this.

I've started seeing a psychologist, but to be honest, I don't know if it's gonna work. I do realize it's all in my mind and I've never been this low in my life before. But I don't know how to recover. And I'm afraid I'm becoming a guy who I never wanted to become.
Go to an AA meeting
 

Trez

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Also you're not rock bottom yet. It can get worse by a lot.
 

zinc4

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OP try kratom. Its a very mild opiate that you can order online in powderd form and make into a tea. It has helped me reduce drinking greatly and is very chill just makes you feel content.
 

HiTtc

Don Juan
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Thanks all for your replies and help.

I realize the main reason why I feel depressed and grab to alcohol, is because of this girl. I don't think I would haven't gotten such an alcoholic if I never would have met her. It was nice to get her attention, which I got because I was uninhibited due to the alcohol.

I also realize I just like her because she looks cute. Tbh she's fun, but I never got a real click with her. The thoughts that make me feel bad are mainly "damn I would have liked to fvck her", "damn I'm jealous of the guys who can get in her pants".

Unfortunately I still have to see her at work, so it's gonna be a painful process.
 

Medina

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White mans burden. I'm the same

I'm even at the point where I choose drink over pvssy. I'm serious.
 
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