Plinco said
"Since then I promoted the principle of individual authority over external authority as a corollary of the principle of acting in one's own self-interest. I noticed that people acted out by other's authority impulsively and I felt both superior and the calling to teach people the principle of self-authority."
IMHO, somewhere along your journey and your striving not to be influenced by, or to submit to external authority it appears you have put blinders on yourself. You may be aware and you may be not. You fight to maintain your viewpoint, without seeing beyond it, whether you realize it or not. You are limiting yourself and your perception. Rather than stepping OUT OF your viewpoint, expanding your perception, and REALLY considering what others here see, in your behavior and choices, it seems that you keep your blinders on and directly or indirectly, declare what is not in the limited scope of your blinders, as not so, or irrelevant, so to speak. You seem to think it has no relevance to you, as it is outside your tunnel vision. You are mistaken.
While that may keep yourself, on track with your goals and proud of yourself for not being influenced by authority, other than your own, you are failing to see the costs and pitfalls that are right around you, in your blind spots. You have tunnel vision. You are not seeing the picture as those of us, without YOUR blinders on, see it. I am not sharing this as a judgement. I am saying this to awaken you to the realization. You are moving forward with huge pot holes and sink holes next to your feet but you act as if they are not so, as long as you look forward and refuse to look down and see/acknowledge them. Or your blinders are so ingrained that you simply can't see beyond them right now.
I'll point out some of the disparity I see.
I asked you to compare statements that in my view directly contradicted each other. I expected it to be obvious to you. It wasn't. You in fact saw and justified the exact opposite of what I was hoping you would awaken to, beyond your blinders.
I asked you to compare YOUR statement of "I don't live for others." with some other things you had also written.
Consider these... Do they match???
What I see without your blinders...are statements by someone who VERY MUCH CARES what others think of him. THE OPINIONS OF OTHERS (especially 18-24 year old, popular college kids) is what is currently driving your choices, your emotions and your feelings of self worth. If one rejects you, you feel shame. Rather than their opinion, being their own, and a reflection of THEM and NOT YOU, you SEE IT AS A DETERMINANT OF YOUR VALUE. If they accept you, you feel pride. If they reject you, you feel shame. YOU have chosen to put yourself at the mercy of OTHER PEOPLE'S FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS, AS THE DECIDER OF YOUR VALUE.
That is a crazy-making way to live your life. If people are in a good mood and like you than you feel good. If people are having a crappy day (unrelated to you even) and they are less than positive and you FEEL rejected, YOU EXPERIENCE shame!!! That is a REALLY, REALLY, REALLY big deal! Their feelings and projections are a reflection of them.
YOUR OWN alignment, with YOUR OWN values and actions creates CONGRUENCE within you, that creates TRUE PRIDE.
Subjecting your self to the whims of other peoples' thoughts and feelings in random moments of their life, as a determining factor of your value, is a roller coaster YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER. It has more to do with the other people and their own filters, history and emotions, than truly anything about you. It does NOT deserve to be on the pedestal you have placed it upon. They don't truly know you! They don't! They know see you as the conglomeration of their projected stuff upon you, in a moment of whatever came before, in their experience, all piled upon that and then declared as you, in some interaction. You are simply the receiver of their projections. In your experience, you are choosing for their "stuff" to determine your self-value, as in if you feel pride or shame. SERIOUSLY!
Drop any feeling of needing to be defensive. I am not attacking. I am simply trying to raise the shade on one of your blinders so you can see what you are actions are conveying. Let the ego defense go.
Look. See. Consider. That's what I and others read in what you have shared. YOUR SELF VALUE is NOT CURRENTLY about YOUR VALUES and YOUR ACTIONS and YOUR CONGRUENCE with them. It is chasing/seeking the approval/validation of a special target audience. 18-24 year old POPULAR KIDS. The approval of "those kids" and declaration and acceptance of you is what you seek. YOU WANT FOR THEM TO ADMIRE YOU and FOR THEM TO SEE YOU AS, "AS GOOD AS THEM," PREFERABLY ----EVEN BETTER THAN THEM. You do!
Not attacking. Drop any defensiveness. Consider. You have far more to gain from looking with open eyes than looking with blinders on.
I get that in a weird way it feels like life and death, that there is this intense drive in you to GAIN AND RECEIVE THEIR APPROVAL AND ADMIRATION! It is undeniable. It is all over your posts directly or indirectly. Hold back the defensiveness. Be smart. Consider it. You can declare it irrelevant or not applicable, without looking at it. What you will miss is that you have given control of your self worth and your sense of satisfaction, to nameless strangers, you have never even met yet. You are on a mission to feel accepted, by strangers! I get you will feel driven to respond and argue. I am not here for that. I am not interested in that. There is no right and wrong. It's your life and you have choices. I am simply suggesting you pull off your blinders and REALLY CONSIDER THAT YOU HAVE GIVEN YOUR POWER AWAY TO STRANGERS!
Maybe, just maybe...WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR...REALLY...IS TO TAKE YOUR OWN POWER BACK????
I contend that is really where you feel off-balance.
You think those young popular kids can somehow grant it back to you and then you will feel better about yourself and heal what did not go the way you wanted earlier in your life. What happens when a different clique of young popular kids gives you a snotty look or laughs in your direction the next day, next year, in ten years??? You will always feel powerless to how they perceive you....UNTIL YOU CHOOSE TO TAKE YOUR POWER BACK!!!!
UNTIL YOU CHOOSE....YES CHOOSE....TO REALIGN YOUR SELF VALUE, WITH YOUR OWN UNCONDITIONAL LOVING,
...AND WITH THE CONGRUENCE YOU FEEL, BETWEEN YOUR OWN VALUES AND ACTIONS.
YOU THINK THEY HAVE THE POWER TO SET YO FREE. IT'S AN ILLUSION. THEY CAN'T GIVE YOU YOUR POWER BACK. YOU TAKE IT BACK. YOU BURST THE BUBBLE OF THE ILLUSION. YOU CHOOSE TO...OR YOU DON'T.
I think you are chasing a mirage trying to find and gain self approval through the approval of 18-24 popular college kids. You won't find it there. You can come back and post a response below where declare that it is not so that it is not what you are looking for, in your interactions with them. It will be an empty declaration. Those will be words of your ego not wanting to be perceived as less than your ideal self. Get over it. Everyone here is human and has their own sh!t so to speak. You have yours. Pretending you don't isn't going to clean it up or make it stink any less. It will simply keep you on the same merry-go-round, going up and down, in circles, never really getting anywhere.
Consider that perhaps there is whole big life for you, off that merry-go-round. Consider taking YOUR power back and what life could feel like, waking up every day, lined up inside yourself, feeling great and interacting with the world that way.
Opportunity is yours. Life without those blinders is far bigger than the merry-go-round. Lots of other rides and fun to be had, in this life. Taking your power back means giving up that story. You may be able to see it and do it. You may not yet. I am offering it up, in case this helps you to see it.
Having your self worth be at the whim of strangers or simply people outside of you, is chasing a mirage. You will never feel truly satisfied. Life will you by before you know it.
Food for thought.
Wishing you the best.
LYD
