IVLVS Field Journal

[BackInTheGame78]

Wanted to post an update since I'm supposedly meeting a 22-year-old girl next Sunday. We matched on Tinder, talked for a bit, she asked for my number, and we've been texting since. I asked her out last week, but I guess she was busy because we never managed to lock down a date.

Then, out of nowhere (at least from my perspective), she started giving me **** about a video I posted on social media from a rock event I attended past Saturday. She was saying things like, "So that's why you like rock?" and making these over the top comments that basically implied, "My taste is so much better than yours."

I figured they were probably **** tests, or maybe just poorly calibrated teasing. For the first one, I replied, "Yeah, and I'm tired of pretending I don't." She came back with another jab, so I answered by sending her a video of myself leaning into exactly the kind of thing she was making fun of. My attitude was basically, "Girl, I like having fun." She responded with a surprised sticker, and at that point I didn't feel like continuing the conversation, so I just left her on read. That was last Sunday.

Yesterday she texted me asking for help with a couple of things. I helped her out, and after a few messages today she asked, "So when are we finally going out and swapping stories?"

She's cute, definitely provocative, and her sense of humor is pretty dark, lol. I honestly considered telling her, "Look, that's kind of rude, and I don't really hang out with rude people." I didn't, partly because I was a bit drunk and just having a good time.

Anyway, the date is set for this Sunday. I'm also planning to see the girl I mentioned yesterday on Saturday, so it should be an interesting weekend.

Why does she have access to your social media? This is used to disqualify you. Never give this out freely to people

 

[Clockwerk50]

Well, here's a bit of an update.

I don't know whether it was something I did or just bad luck, but everything went to ****. Spectacularly. Both dates.

FIRST GIRL
Let's start with the girl I asked out after getting her number while she was walking her dogs (the one who ended up standing me up).

We'd been texting, nothing over the top. Just normal conversation. Every now and then she'd react to one of my stories with a heart or something similar. Things seemed perfectly fine.

Last night I replied to one of her texts, and she left me on read. No big deal. The next day (Saturday), since it was the day of our date, around 2 p.m. I figured, "What the hell," and texted her.

We were supposed to meet at a bar at 6 p.m.

I sent her, "Hey, her name, how's your hot afternoon going?" She replied, we teased each other a bit, and honestly I don't think I said anything weird or off-putting.

Then I went to the gym for a run, headed home to shower, and by then it was almost 5 p.m. I ordered an Uber and texted her:

"I'm on my way. I made a reservation and wanted to check the place out a bit. Just let me know when you're nearby and I'll come outside to meet you."

The place was an arcade bar, looked like a pretty fun spot.

She replied:
"Oh, I think I got confused. So you're already heading there because of the reservation?"

I answered:
"Yeah, I'm almost there. I took an Uber because I didn't want to deal with parking."

Then she said:
"Oh, okay. I think I misunderstood from the beginning. I thought at 6 we were leaving from here together. I'm still not ready, and I think I'll get there around 6:30."

I simply replied:
"That's okay. Take your time."

I got to the bar around 5:35. Since I'd never been there before, I figured I'd get familiar with the place while I waited.

Then... nothing.

At 7:40 p.m. she finally texted:
"Hey, you know what? You were right. It was impossible to find parking. I spent like 30 minutes looking, got desperate, and left. Sorry, I owe you one."

I replied:
"Really? You should've told me you were there. I could've come out and helped you."

She answered:
"No, you were already inside playing, and honestly I just couldn't get close. I kept driving in circles and never found a spot. I got really stressed. Sorry."

My last reply was:
"Well, we could've figured something out, but okay."
Then I sent an animated sticker of two cats shaking hands.

SECOND GIRL
This is the one who got back in touch after giving me a hard time at first and was actually the one who suggested we hang out.

We agreed to go out this Sunday.

Everything seemed normal. Friday night I replied to her last message before going to bed. I'm generally not someone who replies immediately anyway(I'm usually working, reading, driving, walking, or at the gym).

I sent three simple messages:

• Asked if she'd managed to get herself a beer (she had mentioned she wanted one).
• Told her I wouldn't really be drinking again until Sunday since I'd gone out last Saturday and had a quick beer on Wednesday.
• Sent her a screenshot of a conversation with one of my coworkers because it related to a joke we'd been talking about.

That was it.

She left everything on read for the entire Saturday.

Normally I wouldn't think much of it. I'd just shrug and move on. But what I don't understand is why this always seems to happen right before we're supposed to meet.

Why leave the conversation hanging the day before the date?

Just... keep the conversation going. Am I' supposed to double-text someone I barely know?
----------------------------------
That's it fellas.

Now for the internal stuff I noticed.

For the most part I actually felt pretty relaxed while texting. But there were definitely moments where I got nervous about screwing things up.

Whenever that happened, I'd catch myself thinking: "Does this text sound needy? I don't want to come across as needy... Wait, who the hell decided this was needy in the first place?"

And then I'd spend way too much time overthinking what to send next.

The classic one also popped into my head: "If I double text, she'll think I'm desperate. The ball's in her court now."

Other than those moments, though, I honestly think the texting was fine. Before we got into the logistics of actually meeting up, the conversations had good back-and-forth. I genuinely don't know what I did that would suddenly make someone go silent the day before a date.

Getting stood up definitely messed with my head for a while.

For a moment I caught myself thinking: "What the **** is wrong with me? My ex left me the way she did, and now this girl doesn't even show up?"

My phone was almost dead (about 5% battery) so I left the bar and went home. At first I was thinking about charging it, taking my car, and heading back out to salvage the night somehow.

But once I was lying in bed, I stopped myself.

I thought:

"Wait a minute. Why do you want to go out right now?"

And the answer wasn't a good one. It wasn't because I genuinely wanted to have fun. It was because I wanted validation from women. I wanted proof that they were the problem, not me. Once I realized that, I decided I wasn't going to chase that feeling. I can stand up for myself.

Tomorrow, next week, or whenever I actually feel like going out because I want to enjoy myself (not because I need someone else's approval) that's when I'll do it.

So at 11 p.m., I stayed home.

First of all, there are a couple of principles worth keeping in mind.

1. Rapport and escalation = Rapport is the mutual comfort, trust, and connection you build through conversation, shared experiences, humor, empathy, and simply spending time together. Escalation is moving the interaction forward based on the level of comfort that has already been established.

Escalation can take different forms: logistical (coffee → dinner → another venue), physical (light touches → hugs → kissing), or emotional (small talk → flirting → deeper conversations). The timing varies depending on the situation, but the principle remains the same: build rapport, escalate, build more rapport, then escalate again.

The relationship between the two is important because escalation requires enough rapport behind it. If you escalate too quickly, you risk making someone uncomfortable. If you never escalate, the interaction can become stagnant.

At the same time, you still have to attempt to escalate because it gives you information. Her response is the green light or red light. If she is receptive, you know you can continue. If she isn't, either you moved too quickly and need to build more rapport, or the interest simply isn't there.

2. Presence, absence, suspense, and anticipation = Presence creates attraction through shared experiences and emotional connection. Absence gives those experiences time to grow because it allows someone to think about you, replay moments, and look forward to seeing you again.

Suspense and anticipation keep curiosity alive. If someone always knows exactly what to expect from you, interest can fade. The goal isn't to play games, but to allow someone to discover new sides of you over time. Attraction grows not only from the moments together, but also from the space between those moments.

The balance between these ideas is that presence creates the memories, absence allows those memories to develop, and suspense keeps curiosity alive. Attraction is not only built through what happens during the interaction but also through what happens afterward when someone is alone and reflecting on the experience.

Conclusion: With girl one, I think the main issue was probably a rapport and escalation problem. You went from meeting her while she was walking her dogs to setting up a date at an arcade bar. This isn't necessarily wrong, but the level of investment may have been higher than the comfort built between you two. More rapport through lighter interactions or a lower-pressure first meet could have made the escalation feel more natural.

With girl two, I think the bigger question is why you felt the need to restart the conversation the day before the date when she was already the one who suggested hanging out. Since she had already shown initiative, the interaction already had momentum and there was no need to seek reassurance through more texting. The move is to stay available for logistics while also allowing the other person to invest and show their level of interest. Hopefully, the date still happened, but I would have kept it simple and sent a confirmation text the morning of. Keep communication open, but avoid feeling like you need to constantly maintain the interaction to prevent someone from losing interest.

Overall, women with high interest usually make things easier. They give you more room for mistakes, are more receptive, and help move things forward. When someone is interested, their actions usually align with that interest. When they aren't, you often end up analyzing messages, interpreting mixed signals, and wondering where you stand.

 

[nicksaiz65]

Well, here's a bit of an update.

I don't know whether it was something I did or just bad luck, but everything went to ****. Spectacularly. Both dates.

FIRST GIRL
Let's start with the girl I asked out after getting her number while she was walking her dogs (the one who ended up standing me up).

We'd been texting, nothing over the top. Just normal conversation. Every now and then she'd react to one of my stories with a heart or something similar. Things seemed perfectly fine.

Last night I replied to one of her texts, and she left me on read. No big deal. The next day (Saturday), since it was the day of our date, around 2 p.m. I figured, "What the hell," and texted her.

We were supposed to meet at a bar at 6 p.m.

I sent her, "Hey, her name, how's your hot afternoon going?" She replied, we teased each other a bit, and honestly I don't think I said anything weird or off-putting.

Then I went to the gym for a run, headed home to shower, and by then it was almost 5 p.m. I ordered an Uber and texted her:

"I'm on my way. I made a reservation and wanted to check the place out a bit. Just let me know when you're nearby and I'll come outside to meet you."

The place was an arcade bar, looked like a pretty fun spot.

She replied:
"Oh, I think I got confused. So you're already heading there because of the reservation?"

I answered:
"Yeah, I'm almost there. I took an Uber because I didn't want to deal with parking."

Then she said:
"Oh, okay. I think I misunderstood from the beginning. I thought at 6 we were leaving from here together. I'm still not ready, and I think I'll get there around 6:30."

I simply replied:
"That's okay. Take your time."

I got to the bar around 5:35. Since I'd never been there before, I figured I'd get familiar with the place while I waited.

Then... nothing.

At 7:40 p.m. she finally texted:
"Hey, you know what? You were right. It was impossible to find parking. I spent like 30 minutes looking, got desperate, and left. Sorry, I owe you one."

I replied:
"Really? You should've told me you were there. I could've come out and helped you."

She answered:
"No, you were already inside playing, and honestly I just couldn't get close. I kept driving in circles and never found a spot. I got really stressed. Sorry."

My last reply was:
"Well, we could've figured something out, but okay."
Then I sent an animated sticker of two cats shaking hands.

SECOND GIRL
This is the one who got back in touch after giving me a hard time at first and was actually the one who suggested we hang out.

We agreed to go out this Sunday.

Everything seemed normal. Friday night I replied to her last message before going to bed. I'm generally not someone who replies immediately anyway(I'm usually working, reading, driving, walking, or at the gym).

I sent three simple messages:

• Asked if she'd managed to get herself a beer (she had mentioned she wanted one).
• Told her I wouldn't really be drinking again until Sunday since I'd gone out last Saturday and had a quick beer on Wednesday.
• Sent her a screenshot of a conversation with one of my coworkers because it related to a joke we'd been talking about.

That was it.

She left everything on read for the entire Saturday.

Normally I wouldn't think much of it. I'd just shrug and move on. But what I don't understand is why this always seems to happen right before we're supposed to meet.

Why leave the conversation hanging the day before the date?

Just... keep the conversation going. Am I' supposed to double-text someone I barely know?
----------------------------------
That's it fellas.

Now for the internal stuff I noticed.

For the most part I actually felt pretty relaxed while texting. But there were definitely moments where I got nervous about screwing things up.

Whenever that happened, I'd catch myself thinking: "Does this text sound needy? I don't want to come across as needy... Wait, who the hell decided this was needy in the first place?"

And then I'd spend way too much time overthinking what to send next.

The classic one also popped into my head: "If I double text, she'll think I'm desperate. The ball's in her court now."

Other than those moments, though, I honestly think the texting was fine. Before we got into the logistics of actually meeting up, the conversations had good back-and-forth. I genuinely don't know what I did that would suddenly make someone go silent the day before a date.

Getting stood up definitely messed with my head for a while.

For a moment I caught myself thinking: "What the **** is wrong with me? My ex left me the way she did, and now this girl doesn't even show up?"

My phone was almost dead (about 5% battery) so I left the bar and went home. At first I was thinking about charging it, taking my car, and heading back out to salvage the night somehow.

But once I was lying in bed, I stopped myself.

I thought:

"Wait a minute. Why do you want to go out right now?"

And the answer wasn't a good one. It wasn't because I genuinely wanted to have fun. It was because I wanted validation from women. I wanted proof that they were the problem, not me. Once I realized that, I decided I wasn't going to chase that feeling. I can stand up for myself.

Tomorrow, next week, or whenever I actually feel like going out because I want to enjoy myself (not because I need someone else's approval) that's when I'll do it.

So at 11 p.m., I stayed home.

Glad you’re out approaching in real life too. Keep running those sessions!

 

[ivlvs_veridivs]

Hi friends, here comes the update. There are a couple of things I want to share, with the motto "SIX AND ABOVE, I APPROACH".

THE DATE ON SUNDAY

This last Sunday I didn't think I was going to have any dates as mentioned in my previous post, but girl number 2 sent me a sticker like at 1 p.m. So I knew that sticker was because she wanted the date to happen. I do a little back and forth and proceed to confirm the plan. The BIG difference compared to the first girl is that this second girl ACTUALLY WANTED THE DATE TO HAPPEN. I know this because she was pretty far away and actually asked for an Uber to see me at midpoint, where I picked her up. I don't know if she wanted to **** straight from the beginning, because just a minute after she was inside my car she asked "So, where do you live?". Go figure.

I think girls will show interest, then no interest, then interest again, might flake, later regret the flake, or who the **** knows; the key here is just to not allow signs that YOU INTERPRET as disinterest to cause an IMPRESSION on you. As Epictetus says, we have to be aware of the kind of impressions we assent to, especially if they are phantasies. It's no use wondering if the girl is doing this or that because she likes you or not, particularly when they do not answer; just hope and act for the best and let things happen. Do not be afraid to make a mistake, as you will only get better, and as others have already mentioned, if there is attraction, girls will actually allow you to make some mistakes. Remember that PERFECT IS BORING, for you and her.

I took the girl to a dog event where there was supposed to be a pool for the dogs, and I really wanted to go. I have a chihuahua and wanted to see if I could buy some outfits for him and also see the dogs that people brought to the event. Unfortunately, because I live in a place with hot weather, the girl quickly became uncomfortable and wanted to go to a place where A/C was available instead of outdoors. Still, I enjoyed it there, bought a couple of things, and saw that I should have arrived alone as there were several good-looking girls alone with their pets (maybe a red flag?). lol.

Now I asked the girl if she was hungry, and we were, so we decided to try some sushi. As I wanted to drink some ****tails, I took her to a sushi bar. Also, I'll say here that the girl looked prettier on Tinder than in real life, so the interest in my mind diminished, but I managed to stay engaged by looking at her boobs (pretty nice) and realizing she had a good sense of humor; also, her age (22) is a plus. As a side note, I think I actually want to try to go all the way to the FC with her without falling into an LTR, just casual. During the walks and over the car, I saw that she was comfortable with me being near her, so I wanted to take it up a notch inside the bar.

We arrived at the bar, asked for some drinks and food. The conversation with her up until this point was kind of lame because, as I said, she was uncomfortable with the weather and was more focused on making sure her makeup didn't wear off or something. I think I was doing like 60-70% of the talking, not eagerly avoiding the silence, but also not letting it go to hell. Now at this place, that feeling changed, and as she was actually talking, I remembered the rule of asking questions instead of just talking about myself, so I did that with funny comments here and there. None of us got drunk, and we were laughing and having a good time. The main escalation I did here was physical, by placing my arm on her back while we were sitting and touching her briefly on the arm and things like that. A close was not going to happen because we both needed to go to work, and it was almost 10 p.m.; she may still live with her parents and could be expected to arrive at a certain time. I think patience is also key; I didn't want to rush anything, just convey my sexuality through eyes, conversation, and slow escalation. At the end, I took her near her house and proceeded to head to mine.

I have a couple of questions regarding how to keep it warm from now on until the next date. My best guess and what I usually do is just send messages over the week, nothing needy, just a couple unless a conversation actually happens.

GIRL I SEE EVERY WEEK OR TWICE A MONTH

Now let's go and talk about the other girl. Because of my job, I have to go once every week (usually) to job training. This is the place where I see other colleagues that do not work with me, but we work in the same area, doing the same stuff, just in different offices. Only a couple of them are the ones I actually work with.

In the third week when this training started, I saw this girl and became infatuated with her, never did anything as I was still with my ex. She has a slim frame and a pretty face, with lovely eyes. She basically checks all of the boxes in my mind for what attractive and LTR material means to me. I'm not crazy about big tits and really big butts; I mean, they are good, but I prefer slim girls.

After things ended with my ex, a couple of weeks later this girl sat next to me and asked me for a pen, so I lent it to her, and together we solved a puzzle related to the training. Unfortunately, one of her female friends with whom she works invited her to change places so they could be together, and that was it.

Deep inside I knew I had to have this girl. And today I decided to do something. I want to play it under the water because I do not want to screw up my or her reputation with gossip and things like "oh look IVLVS is flirting with her". Fortunately, I think the several dates I have been going out, the approaches I have tried, and the ways I'm looking for to have fun during the weekend started to pay dividends.

Today I arrived a little bit early, chose my place to sit, and by chance or whatever, she sat next to me again. But this time we were also next to her friends. At the beginning, I ignored her a little bit, just focusing on the training and on being social. I was playing with the trainer (woman) and having a good vibe in general. The time to eat arrived; I finished and started to read a little bit. I indirectly took a look at her by looking to the left but not straight at her, and I saw that at some point, she turned to my face and looked at me and then looked away. I started to get a little nervous but deep inside I knew if I didn't start talking with her I was going to have to face my cowardice alone and I'm not fair with myself regarding that. So, with 5 minutes left until we have to start the training again, I started talking with her.

The thing I said is "hey, so where is your office located?" she told me and took it from there. The nervousness quickly went away after my first question, and I felt pretty confident, chill, fun, and of course, I teased her a little bit. I noticed she may be introverted; when she laughs, she tends to cover her mouth and talk softly, and I find all of these things just adorable. We continued talking about our pets. I showed her some pictures of my cat and my dog with the cowboy hat I bought on the previous date. I told her that she was the crazy cat lady of the neighborhood (she has 7 cats, although she still lives with her parents). After some time she also started to ask me questions and contribute to the conversation. I was just talking nonsense with funny experiences I have had in my life, and she was really enjoying it. The five minutes went away, and thank God the trainer took more time, like half an hour, which I used to talk with her.

When the training ended I said goodbye to her friends and her. Completely loved her eyes.

My plan with this girl is to take things slowly due to the context and because it's guaranteed I will see her again. Maybe I'm not going to be able the next time to sit next to her, but I'll definitely keep an eye to see a window and start a conversation with her again, using some of the things she already told me, like "so, you never showed me your 7 cats, only one!" Eventually maybe after three or four weeks I will ask her out and see where things go from there. I think the IOI from her were really there.

BACKBURNER

I have a chick that I have been talking to over hinge. It's been on and off since she answers for three days straight, and then disappears for 5 days. the last time this girl answered was when I asked her out and never got an answer lol. Today she apologized, told me she wanted it to happen but didn't look at my message and forgot to open the app. I'm talking with her again about stuff and a couple of minutes ago asked her out again, well I asked how her week was to see an option to go out.

 

[ivlvs_veridivs]

First of all, there are a couple of principles worth keeping in mind.

1. Rapport and escalation = Rapport is the mutual comfort, trust, and connection you build through conversation, shared experiences, humor, empathy, and simply spending time together. Escalation is moving the interaction forward based on the level of comfort that has already been established.

Escalation can take different forms: logistical (coffee → dinner → another venue), physical (light touches → hugs → kissing), or emotional (small talk → flirting → deeper conversations). The timing varies depending on the situation, but the principle remains the same: build rapport, escalate, build more rapport, then escalate again.

The relationship between the two is important because escalation requires enough rapport behind it. If you escalate too quickly, you risk making someone uncomfortable. If you never escalate, the interaction can become stagnant.

At the same time, you still have to attempt to escalate because it gives you information. Her response is the green light or red light. If she is receptive, you know you can continue. If she isn't, either you moved too quickly and need to build more rapport, or the interest simply isn't there.

2. Presence, absence, suspense, and anticipation = Presence creates attraction through shared experiences and emotional connection. Absence gives those experiences time to grow because it allows someone to think about you, replay moments, and look forward to seeing you again.

Suspense and anticipation keep curiosity alive. If someone always knows exactly what to expect from you, interest can fade. The goal isn't to play games, but to allow someone to discover new sides of you over time. Attraction grows not only from the moments together, but also from the space between those moments.

The balance between these ideas is that presence creates the memories, absence allows those memories to develop, and suspense keeps curiosity alive. Attraction is not only built through what happens during the interaction but also through what happens afterward when someone is alone and reflecting on the experience.

Conclusion: With girl one, I think the main issue was probably a rapport and escalation problem. You went from meeting her while she was walking her dogs to setting up a date at an arcade bar. This isn't necessarily wrong, but the level of investment may have been higher than the comfort built between you two. More rapport through lighter interactions or a lower-pressure first meet could have made the escalation feel more natural.

With girl two, I think the bigger question is why you felt the need to restart the conversation the day before the date when she was already the one who suggested hanging out. Since she had already shown initiative, the interaction already had momentum and there was no need to seek reassurance through more texting. The move is to stay available for logistics while also allowing the other person to invest and show their level of interest. Hopefully, the date still happened, but I would have kept it simple and sent a confirmation text the morning of. Keep communication open, but avoid feeling like you need to constantly maintain the interaction to prevent someone from losing interest.

Overall, women with high interest usually make things easier. They give you more room for mistakes, are more receptive, and help move things forward. When someone is interested, their actions usually align with that interest. When they aren't, you often end up analyzing messages, interpreting mixed signals, and wondering where you stand.

Hey friend, thanks for your feedback, it was really helpful. Now that you put it in these terms I think the issue was that the investment still wasn't there. Pretty sure the date might have happened if I did what she expected, which was wait her near her house, and arrive together. Well, I prefer to make mistakes instead of wondering what if. Live and learn.

I like your advice regarding not needing to constantly maintain the interaction to prevent losing interest. And also your advice presence and absence played a huge part today. Since there's a girl I want to go out (see girl I see every week at my previous post) and that's exactly what I'm going for, being attractive, making her interested and then letting the days we do not see each other do the magic.

 

[ivlvs_veridivs]

Why does she have access to your social media? This is used to disqualify you. Never give this out freely to people

Sorry, I said social media, but actually meant WhatsApp status.

 

[ivlvs_veridivs]

Sure, we all been there. Sometimes 6s and 7s will flake. Sometimes 8s and 9s will have sex with you. Its part of the game.

Unless you aré a single dad, I will recommend you stay away from single moms. You could make an exception if you meet a truly exceptional woman, but remember, exceptions make the rules.

I like how you frame it. A game. Which it is. Thanks for your advice, although there's a single mom on Hinge that looks cute and the conversation has been going pretty well, I'll have to evaluate her further.

 

[zekko]

We were supposed to meet at a bar at 6 p.m.

I can't believe you didn't pick her up.

 

[ivlvs_veridivs]

I can't believe you didn't pick her up.

Yep, that was my bad. I treated the context the same way I have done with other dates, with girls that live far from my place and we meet at a midpoint or at the place. In this case, the context was different; the girl lived like five minutes away, and it was expected that I pick her up.

 

[pipeman84]

I noticed she may be introverted; when she laughs, she tends to cover her mouth and talk softly, and I find all of these things just adorable.

Indeed. So what's her age and relationship status? The fact she has 7 cats is quite weird; noticed any other red flags with her?