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In need of some help/advice please!

GoodOne123

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So I met a girl at a house-party. We talked for about an hour, got her number, texted her, and set a date a couple days later.

The first few dates went well, and she had high interest. We continued dating for 3 months. However, I noticed some things that made me feel uneasy.

She mentioned she was abused in the past. She unfortunately seemed to find it hard to enjoy sex and intimacy because of this. As a matter of fact, she could not do a lot of things, and was prone to flashbacks and getting very upset after or during the act. She also mentioned that she had scars from cutting herself in the past. She mentioned all these things on the 3rd date.

After about the first month, I noticed disrespectful attitude starting to show. We had a few mutual friends, so we saw each other during big group meet-ups and parties too. She would disrespect randomly, usually in front of her friends. Acting like I am not a big deal, talking in a condescending tone, not fully acknowledging my presence. I asked her why her mood was like that, but she would just make excuses. I found this confusing, since she was cool on text or during one to one dates.

During the 2 & 1/2 month period, I was tired of the rude attitude and mood swings. I stopped pursuing for dates, or initiating contact, and went cold. She reached out to me after a few days, so I set a date up. She flaked, so I dropped her and never heard from her again. This was mainly because I felt my instinct telling me to get out.

Its been a little less than a month since I last contacted her. But whats strange is that how I feel is that I now start to miss her and I don't know why. She was quite difficult during those 3 months with her issues, which I think I could have dealt with if she wasn't disrespectful or acting mean. I assume she might have not appreciated the effort I put in, and I admit I might have been trying to fix her a bit.

Did I do the right thing to let her go? Does anyone have experience with this type of girl? And why do I feel this way?
 

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ZTIME

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Hmmmm, sexually abused, cries during and after sex, scars from self cutting, disrespects you in front of others. You really missing all this?

Perhaps you should have chosen "sadist123" as your user name.
 

searching solace

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Yeah, some of what you said resounded with my own experiences, even down to her telling you she was abused very quickly and the getting upset after sex. It was likely not going to get much easier.

If you had stayed and invested in her by trying to fix and help her, when she would have dropped you - and she eventually would have - you'd be in a MUCH worse position than you are now.

Continue to follow your instincts.
 
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Alvafe

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why you miss her? ask yourself this, why you would? you are lacking the sex and maybe the intimacy you had.

way to fix that? new girl or better yet, go out and do something you like, keep you mind busy
 
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GoodOne123

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Wow, thanks for the advice everyone. I'm new to this forum and I appreciate the help. I have looked at the points you have all raised and I can say that I completely agree.

I guess I'm just a little shook from the whole experience. I have genuinely never been with a girl like this. As a result, I have felt my confidence take a bit of a hit.

In the beginning, we connected and got close very fast. It felt amazing. I guess I'm afraid I might not get that with another girl any time soon. I thought that maybe it was my fault she was disrespectful and had this hot/cold behavior, but it couldn't have been. I was always the confident male that I am, doing my thing. That's why I find it so confusing.

Apart from the things I mentioned in my first post, she did some other things that seemed out of the ordinary. For example, she once joked about being angry at her co-workers at work and wanting to hurt them badly, it was in a dark way that worried me.

What are your thoughts on what I was dealing with? And of course I appreciate further advice as usual.
 

ZTIME

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I have genuinely never been with a girl like this.

As a result, I have felt my confidence take a bit of a hit.

I thought that maybe it was my fault she was disrespectful and had this hot/cold behavior,

I was always the confident male that I am, doing my thing. That's why I find it so confusing.
Do you find any of this contradictory?
 

Yewki

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She mentioned she was abused in the past
Red flag

She unfortunately seemed to find it hard to enjoy sex and intimacy because of this. As a matter of fact, she could not do a lot of things, and was prone to flashbacks and getting very upset after or during the act.
Next

She also mentioned that she had scars from cutting herself in the past.
Run

I feel is that I now start to miss her and I don't know why.
Get other options
 

Twodogs

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You absolutely did the right thing getting her out of your life, don't look back and maintain no contact.

A borderline personality disordered woman is my thoughts on what you were dealing with.
Lots of us here have been through the wringer with one and found this site looking for answers in the aftermath.

What you've described are typical traits:
  • Deep connection in a short time
  • Tales of abuse
  • Self harm
  • Hot/cold, disrespect etc.
  • Unstable relationships at work
They will confuse you and shake your confidence, they are the masters of mind fvcking.
You're lucky you got out early.
Here's the link to the borderline thread.
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/index.php?threads/the-official-borderline-personality-disorder-thread-merged.164551/
 

ZTIME

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Can SS start diagnosing the men in the relationship before we diagnose every chick with BPD????

We're here to fix the guy, not diagnose his past GF with BPD.

Hell almost every relationship here has a BPD chick in it.

Here we go.......My last relationship failed because I let go of the things that were important to me after I met her!

Does that make her BPD? Nope! It makes me a dumdass! Hard pill to swallow (red or blue) but it's true.

I thought we were here to hold accountably for men's actions?? Not to offer them excuses so they have them to fail moving forward.
 
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Twodogs

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What are your thoughts on what I was dealing with?
My response was directed at the OP's question and reading up on BPD may provide some answers.
Yes it gets thrown around a lot but in this guys case there are a lot of traits pointing towards cluster B.
If you're clueless about it it can't hurt to inform yourself.
 

Fugitive

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You did the right thing by letting her go. Now you need to get new women in your life. When you do that she'll become a distant memory and you'll find someone much better - which shouldn't be hard as she sounds like a nightmare.
 

searching solace

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Can SS start diagnosing the men in the relationship before we diagnose every chick with BPD????

We're here to fix the guy, not diagnose his past GF with BPD.

Hell almost every relationship here has a BPD chick in it.

Here we go.......My last relationship failed because I let go of the things that were important to me after I met her!

Does that make her BPD? Nope! It makes me a dumdass! Hard pill to swallow (red or blue) but it's true.

I thought we were here to hold accountably for men's actions?? Not to offer them excuses so they have them to fail moving forward.
No one is diagnosing her. They are simply acknowledging warning signs that are extremely common with these type of women. Most women, to my experience, do not discuss very intimate details such as abuse/self-harm and especially not at such an early stage and so freely.

And your comparison to your own relationship doesn't make sense whatsoever as it has nothing to do with her behaviour but instead something completely unrelated to what's being discussed.

Anyway OP, most of what you described and are feeling reminds me of the earlier stages of my foregone relationship. It did not end well.
 

ZTIME

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No one is diagnosing her. They are simply acknowledging warning signs that are extremely common with these type of women. Most women, to my experience, do not discuss very intimate details such as abuse/self-harm and especially not at such an early stage and so freely.

And your comparison to your own relationship doesn't make sense whatsoever as it has nothing to do with her behaviour but instead something completely unrelated to what's being discussed.

Anyway OP, most of what you described and are feeling reminds me of the earlier stages of my foregone relationship. It did not end well.
The intent of my post was to pinpoint the OP's issues, and concentrate less on the girl.

Is she BPD? I don't know. I've never met her. Did she display characteristics of BPD? Maybe.

The problem Still is to figure out why The OP was willing to accept her flaws, why he was willing to accept being treated the way he was, and why he is still doubting if he did the right thing by breaking up with her. ("Did I do the right thing to let her go?) These are not the writtings of a confident guy with many options.

My example of the past relationship was left as an example of what I did wrong. I left the info about the girl out of it because she doesn't matter. The same as the OP's previous relationship.......:.What part he played in all of this is paramount, where really the girl doesn't matter.
 

Twodogs

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The problem Still is to figure out why The OP was willing to accept her flaws, why he was willing to accept being treated the way he was, and why he is still doubting if he did the right thing by breaking up with her. ("Did I do the right thing to let her go?) These are not the writtings of a confident guy with many options.
I think the OP did well,he listened to his gut and nexted what would most likely have been a nightmare woman.
I think these type more so than healthy women are harder to get out of your mind. They tend to have a certain allure and with the quick,deep attachment it fools many into thinking they've found "the one".
I might have been trying to fix her a bit.
Herein lies the OP's problem (in my opinion) as others have pointed out.
The early tales of abuse are designed to ignite a mans white knight tendencies.
It's not healthy though if you derive a sense of self worth from helping/fixing someone.
 
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Tedhe

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So I met a girl at a house-party. We talked for about an hour, got her number, texted her, and set a date a couple days later.

The first few dates went well, and she had high interest. We continued dating for 3 months. However, I noticed some things that made me feel uneasy.

She mentioned she was abused in the past. She unfortunately seemed to find it hard to enjoy sex and intimacy because of this. As a matter of fact, she could not do a lot of things, and was prone to flashbacks and getting very upset after or during the act. She also mentioned that she had scars from cutting herself in the past. She mentioned all these things on the 3rd date.

After about the first month, I noticed disrespectful attitude starting to show. We had a few mutual friends, so we saw each other during big group meet-ups and parties too. She would disrespect randomly, usually in front of her friends. Acting like I am not a big deal, talking in a condescending tone, not fully acknowledging my presence. I asked her why her mood was like that, but she would just make excuses. I found this confusing, since she was cool on text or during one to one dates.

During the 2 & 1/2 month period, I was tired of the rude attitude and mood swings. I stopped pursuing for dates, or initiating contact, and went cold. She reached out to me after a few days, so I set a date up. She flaked, so I dropped her and never heard from her again. This was mainly because I felt my instinct telling me to get out.

Its been a little less than a month since I last contacted her. But whats strange is that how I feel is that I now start to miss her and I don't know why. She was quite difficult during those 3 months with her issues, which I think I could have dealt with if she wasn't disrespectful or acting mean. I assume she might have not appreciated the effort I put in, and I admit I might have been trying to fix her a bit.

Did I do the right thing to let her go? Does anyone have experience with this type of girl? And why do I feel this way?
Gotta take care of yourself first brother, as much as you liked this girl I don't see any outcome which would have have resulted in a good outcome - trust me, iv been with girls with similar pasts - they are emotional voids which will just drain you if goodness and do nothing to help the girl in question.
 

searching solace

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The intent of my post was to pinpoint the OP's issues, and concentrate less on the girl.

Is she BPD? I don't know. I've never met her. Did she display characteristics of BPD? Maybe.

The problem Still is to figure out why The OP was willing to accept her flaws, why he was willing to accept being treated the way he was, and why he is still doubting if he did the right thing by breaking up with her. ("Did I do the right thing to let her go?) These are not the writtings of a confident guy with many options.

My example of the past relationship was left as an example of what I did wrong. I left the info about the girl out of it because she doesn't matter. The same as the OP's previous relationship.......:.What part he played in all of this is paramount, where really the girl doesn't matter.
I agree that he needs to become aware of the part that he played and why he feels the way he does. But it is also very important to understand her behaviour - which is why he is asking if anyone has had similar experiences - hence my response. We all accept flaws in other people, it's not his fault that he did. But he did do well to only accept these particular ones for a short period of time. In fact, I'd say he'd only need to examine his own behaviour if he chose to get involved again.

As he mentioned, his gut instinct urged him to get out. But now time has passed - and so too the negative feelings he associated with her behaviours - he wonders whether he did the right thing to let her go. I think this is a common occurrence is 'BPD' style relationships and maybe it might help him to be aware of this.
 

ZTIME

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I agree that he needs to become aware of the part that he played and why he feels the way he does. But it is also very important to understand her behaviour - which is why he is asking if anyone has had similar experiences - hence my response. We all accept flaws in other people, it's not his fault that he did. But he did do well to only accept these particular ones for a short period of time. In fact, I'd say he'd only need to examine his own behaviour if he chose to get involved again.

As he mentioned, his gut instinct urged him to get out. But now time has passed - and so too the negative feelings he associated with her behaviours - he wonders whether he did the right thing to let her go. I think this is a common occurrence is 'BPD' style relationships and maybe it might help him to be aware of this.
I agree with the advice given. I also believe that the majority of people here truly want to help where they can.

It's good that the OP was strong enough to remove himself from a toxic environment (with a little help from her not showing for a date and never calling again).

One thing I do know is that we can't fix the girl. She's not the OP. We can help the OP to understand and better himself.

I.e. We can explain to him and warn him about his environment: "Hey Op it's raining outside, stay inside or you'll get wet."

Or we can better him to handle his environment: "OP here's an umbrella, carry it with you and go out whenever you want."

Either way, I know the intentions are good.

In case anyone didn't get the intention of this post......... The umbrella is an extension of the OP. The rain is the BPD girl, or any other chick for that matter.
 

GoodOne123

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Thanks for the further insight guys. I agree with the points being made about me bettering myself. In hindsight, I lacked knowledge about these types of girls, was naive in thinking I could change or fix them so easily (especially when they seem to show disrespect), and perhaps could have left the relationship sooner. I gained knowledge from this experience, and this website. My confidence can be improved with time and more experience.

As for the possibility that she may have a disorder, now I wouldn't be surprised if she did. Apart from the previous mentioned signs, she had a bunch of other potential ones I haven't mentioned. For example, having a strong interest with Japanese anime. Being particularly seductive/sexual to me in the beginning, and wouldn't mind showing it in public.

I'd appreciate anything more you'd like to add or advise, or your thoughts about the disorder part.
 

GoodOne123

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Update:

Unfortunately, I recently seen her in one of our mutual friends parties. The vibe was quite awkward, so I though I might as well be civil and talk a little to her, and then get on with the rest of the night. I did this to remove awkwardness between us, and seemed like the right thing to do, especially since there wasn't much closure between us.

However, she was colder than ever, and rude. I immediately regretted doing this, since I didn't expect her to be so immature and mean or humiliate me, especially since I never did anything bad to her at all. This really confused me since it seemed she almost hated me for no reason, and was a contrast to when I first dated her when she was good to me (before the disrespect and hot/cold behavior started). Nevertheless, I walked off and never plan to talk to her again ever.

Also, I saw the new guy with her that rumors are she is dating with walk into the party, later on in the night. All I can say is that I am surprised of how much of a downgrade in terms of looks he is compared to me. Its very strange, since she came off as particularly superficial in terms of looks when I was with her, and I didn't expect her to go with someone like that at all.

One of my friends who is experienced, a bit older, and a good judge of character talked to me later on in the night. He said that he talked to this girl at the party, and said to me that he got a feeling something was kinda not right about her, although he couldn't put his finger on it.

I have looked into cluster B and borderlines, and I see similarities with other peoples stories and mine. I'm just left in a bit of a confusion. Why didn't she just be normal to me, and not treat me badly? Why would she downgrade so much with her supposedly new guy? And do you think my friend sensing that something was not right about her is a sign?
 
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