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In a bad place - Sick family member and potential crazy/bpd ex

GoodOne123

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It feels like I am in bad place right now and need help and advice as to how to cope. This post is not just about women and relationships, but is about life and family as well.

It has been already a while since my mother has been diagnosed with a serious illness. Unfortunately, the doctors have not been able to entirely cure it. It seems to be getting worse slowly over time. There are still a few things that the doctors could do to make it better, so I still have hope. I just feel so incredibly frustrated, angry, and sad. I didn't want something so bad to happen to her and our family, it just is so unlucky. Its just hard seeing your parent deteriorating. As a result, I don't feel like I can completely concentrate when I am at my job. When I am at work my mind is elsewhere. I am always there for her if she needs anything, so I am doing that much at least. I have kept myself educated about it, and know as much as possible, but it does not help with my emotions. I try to go to the gym and let out my emotions there, but it is just a very temporary fix. Nothing really seems to really cheer me up or get my mind off it. I also try to go out with my friends which helps a bit, but its only temporary, and they don't go out that much anyway.

At the same time, my mind is occupied by an ex, that most likely was crazy and potentially bpd. She was like this:
  • Past sexual abuse
  • a past cutter (self-harm)
  • admitted the above two points as early as the 3rd date
  • very strong connection in a short amount of time
  • hot/cold behavior, and random disrespect
  • my friend suspected she was crazy
  • when drinking, would get very reckless and drunk
  • sexual, even in public areas
  • very intelligent
I decided not to take the disrespect, and unstable behavior, and withdrew my attention. We broke up but I got no closure. At the time I was glad I got out, since my instincts were telling me to. Now she has a new boyfriend. We have mutual friends so I unfortunately still see her and her guy often at bars, clubs, parties. When I see her, she is very open and flaunts her love and affection for the new guy. This makes me feel regret, and seems as if that if I would have stayed with her longer, I would get the same lovely treatment. As if I missed out on something great. A little part of me suspects that she is doing this to hurt me. I have dated a couple new girls, but they seem bland in comparison, and not as strong as a connection.

I am looking for some help, advice, and gain some clarity from these two situations that I am going through right now.
 

LiveFreeX

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VR comes out in October, get a few new hobbies and start making plans for a trip to Asia. When your mother is a bit more stable it'll be time to take your vacation.
 

movistar

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I know it must hurt a little that you can't fully devote your attention to your mother at a time when the focus should be on her. But break ups cause you to not focus on whats really important. I'm in that situation currently and have been there before, I always feel guilt for putting how I feel about a relationship ahead of family or more important issues. I don't know if you are doing that now, just assuming.
Stop going to the places she will be and try to have no contact, that would be the first step. Keep dating new girls, one will stick.
 

searching solace

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I know how you feel in regards to the jealousy and regret of letting this girl go. That is might have turned out like that for you if you had stayed.

Truth is, sometimes two people just aren't compatible. The dynamic and her behaviour with a new guy will likely be different to how it was with you. That's hard to accept but you have to. It might work out with them, it might not. it just matters that it wasn't working out for you and that you were correct to follow your instincts.

My ex is seeing someone new now. I met the guy once or twice when I visited her - a complete c*nt. Horrible little man with little in the way of morals. She knew this, but she seems happy with him now. Maybe they are a good match. Maybe he makes her happier than I ever did. It sucks and it's painful but haven't you noticed that the truth usually does and is?

But try not to regret it, because what you are seeing is not what you would have gotten. Just do make sure you avoid her.
 

Asmodeus

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It feels like I am in bad place right now and need help and advice as to how to cope. This post is not just about women and relationships, but is about life and family as well.

It has been already a while since my mother has been diagnosed with a serious illness. Unfortunately, the doctors have not been able to entirely cure it. It seems to be getting worse slowly over time. There are still a few things that the doctors could do to make it better, so I still have hope. I just feel so incredibly frustrated, angry, and sad. I didn't want something so bad to happen to her and our family, it just is so unlucky. Its just hard seeing your parent deteriorating. As a result, I don't feel like I can completely concentrate when I am at my job. When I am at work my mind is elsewhere. I am always there for her if she needs anything, so I am doing that much at least. I have kept myself educated about it, and know as much as possible, but it does not help with my emotions. I try to go to the gym and let out my emotions there, but it is just a very temporary fix. Nothing really seems to really cheer me up or get my mind off it. I also try to go out with my friends which helps a bit, but its only temporary, and they don't go out that much anyway.

At the same time, my mind is occupied by an ex, that most likely was crazy and potentially bpd. She was like this:
  • Past sexual abuse
  • a past cutter (self-harm)
  • admitted the above two points as early as the 3rd date
  • very strong connection in a short amount of time
  • hot/cold behavior, and random disrespect
  • my friend suspected she was crazy
  • when drinking, would get very reckless and drunk
  • sexual, even in public areas
  • very intelligent
I decided not to take the disrespect, and unstable behavior, and withdrew my attention. We broke up but I got no closure. At the time I was glad I got out, since my instincts were telling me to. Now she has a new boyfriend. We have mutual friends so I unfortunately still see her and her guy often at bars, clubs, parties. When I see her, she is very open and flaunts her love and affection for the new guy. This makes me feel regret, and seems as if that if I would have stayed with her longer, I would get the same lovely treatment. As if I missed out on something great. A little part of me suspects that she is doing this to hurt me. I have dated a couple new girls, but they seem bland in comparison, and not as strong as a connection.

I am looking for some help, advice, and gain some clarity from these two situations that I am going through right now.
You are suffering from a mild case of depression over your mother compounded by other factors like your ex. I suggest you seek some kind of therapy for it... Holding these things in tends to cause people to break at some point. Part of you sharing this story here is to release, as a kind of catharsis. Do not hide from your pain, people seem to try to hide form it but it always remains in the darkest recesses of their mind waiting to make them suffer again. Go find some therapist, or some group, or even some friends and associates and talk about it and work through it. It can help...

Your ex will never get better... She likely is doing all that just to screw with you and make you feel miserable. Her and her new boyfriend may seem happy but he will end up just like you, miserable. Forget about her... She is diseased and will never heal.

For some reason Cluster B people seem to form very strong connections with their mates... I have been studying this, and trying to understand it all. It is something that I have become more aware of while scouring this forum (with all the BPD posts), psychology forums, and forums for people who are recovering from a relationship with sociopaths. I am kind of like your girlfriend and have done such things to torture women, I still do. I still cannot entirely figure out the allure, I cannot figure out why so many people become so strongly attached, even when they realize that the person is pathologic. Maybe we are more passionate ,sexual, and impulsive, maybe it is all the love bombing and making someone think they are special, maybe people like the chaos, heck some people (women I have experienced) even sem like fixing what they see is broken. I am not sure what it is...

But you are not missing out on anything. In her black and white thinking she has no more love for you, only seeing you as the problem and blaming it on you as she would never be able to come to terms with what she is... There is no cure for insanity.
 

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Julian

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I spoke with a highschool friend of mine today. He suffered a stroke 2 years ago and has changed because of it. It really helped me put things in perspective...We might be feeling pain from a breakup and our crazy BPD gf is the cause but at the same time that emotional anguish is better to have then your health physically altered for the worse for the rest of your life with something as life threatening as a stroke or similar.

its a tough break man I pray your mom recovers.

As for your BPD ex gf...man that is some BS man. I couldn't imagine my bpd ex gf with another guy thats how attached we became. but she lives 3 hours away and we have parted. thats not to say i didnt get sucked back into things because numerous times even after my major postings on here. ultimately I want things to be good between us but i think ive deluded myself into thinking that possible.

I think the worst part is that post relationship loneliness. ive been alone for most of my life.Never built a true connection with a girl until i was 25 years old. She was my first only true love and we lasted 3 years. I fukked that relationship up in alot of ways and she definitely didnt deserve it. sometimes i think this bpd ex of mine is my karmic punishment. I was the only person in her life to get her to seek help and therapy and diagnose her medically so thats a positive thing if anything.

I do believe BPD women feel love...but like all people some BPD chicks can be cruel an fked up and evil and some arent.
 

GoodOne123

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Thank you all, for hoping my dear mother gets better.

I visit her mostly every day, see if she's ok. To be honest, my father isn't taking it well either, and I need to be there to support him also. If I'm honest, it does get emotionally and physically draining at times, and it just has impacted my life in such a negative way.

I feel so bad that the one time where I need a woman by my side the most, I don't have one, and that meybe I lost a good chance with my ex.

I'm angry she had to act the way she did, if she didn't, I would have made an effort to stay. She was good in the beginning, but the disrespect and wierd behaviour started. She once joked about killing her co-workers at her job, and hurting them badly, it was very worrying to me, even though she played it off as a joke. She made it obvious she was mean in general, but she said she was a nice person deep down. She still at times treated me badly, being sarcastic and rude and made me feel small, especially in front of her friends. I thought she wouldnt do this especially after I treated her right, had a great connection, and put all her issues in consideration. I withdrew some attention, because I was offended and confused. She would then flake, even when she contacted me to set a date. She would get mad if I was not available at the particular times she wanted to. I decided to leave her and let it go. I tried to rekindle a friendship afterwards, but she was so rude and disrespectful, it was not possible.

I feel meybe if I took this behaviour for a bit longer, she would have opened up to me and be the caring partner she could be. Other people just say I'm naive for thinking this, and that I dodged a bullet for getting away from her. People who I tell this story to sense she is crazy. It was such a shame because we both felt that we really got along.

I feel like the other guy has a perfect gf by being with her now. And that I lost out, and I have to deal with being alone. The way they act together seems that way.

I feel damn guilty this ex is haunting my mind while my mother is more important. It's just that it's almost so hard to control. I literally wake up in the morning, and get flooded with feelings of pain, guilt, regret, sadness, both from my mother's condition and my ex. The loneliness doesn't help either.
 

Julian

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this is going to sound beta but have you cried at all goodone123? Honestly ive tried to be such a hard ass over time i dont let my emotions out like that typically. but it hit me hard man and i would be lieing if i said i didnt shed some tears. its a natural response, your tears carry out stress hormones, literally. so thats why it can make you feel better to do it and just release it man. Honestly felt like a blubbering teenager but you just gotta say fuk it.

trust me bro, your EXGF is no good, just has been said on here alot...the reason you are lonely is because you lack options, you placed all your eggs in one basket, you bet it all on black and lost. It happens man. I never thought it would happen to me. But the thing is, its a stacked deck. you are outgunned here. how do you fight a suicide bomber? its not easy. these bpd chicks are crazy and you cannot argue logic an reason and whats right with someone who is mentally fked. dont blame yourself man just eat healthy as you can, workout everyday if you can garner the motivation and spend as much time with your folks as you can for now...time heals all wounds. you will be ok bro
 

GoodOne123

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this is going to sound beta but have you cried at all goodone123? Honestly ive tried to be such a hard ass over time i dont let my emotions out like that typically. but it hit me hard man and i would be lieing if i said i didnt shed some tears. its a natural response, your tears carry out stress hormones, literally. so thats why it can make you feel better to do it and just release it man. Honestly felt like a blubbering teenager but you just gotta say fuk it.

trust me bro, your EXGF is no good, just has been said on here alot...the reason you are lonely is because you lack options, you placed all your eggs in one basket, you bet it all on black and lost. It happens man. I never thought it would happen to me. But the thing is, its a stacked deck. you are outgunned here. how do you fight a suicide bomber? its not easy. these bpd chicks are crazy and you cannot argue logic an reason and whats right with someone who is mentally fked. dont blame yourself man just eat healthy as you can, workout everyday if you can garner the motivation and spend as much time with your folks as you can for now...time heals all wounds. you will be ok bro
Thanks man, I appreciate it.

I have been drinking a lot, and randomly break down during, just because I held my emotions too much and using alcohol as a way to get it out. I've stopping using alcohol to numb or express my emotions now, and drinking much less, it's not healthy.

Once I get more stable and my confidence back up, I'm definitely going to get back into dating. I'm sure I'll get over my ex, just need to remind myself she is crazy, toxic, and not right for me.

I'll take care of my mother, I'll stay positive and have hope. I'll get through this and finish strong.
 

searching solace

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Thanks man, I appreciate it.

I have been drinking a lot, and randomly break down during, just because I held my emotions too much and using alcohol as a way to get it out. I've stopping using alcohol to numb or express my emotions now, and drinking much less, it's not healthy.

Once I get more stable and my confidence back up, I'm definitely going to get back into dating. I'm sure I'll get over my ex, just need to remind myself she is crazy, toxic, and not right for me.

I'll take care of my mother, I'll stay positive and have hope. I'll get through this and finish strong.
You will get over her. Take your time.

Even if you got back with her, it wouldn't work out, and the further you go with her, the more painful the experience will be each and every time something like this happens. Trust me on this; if you think what you feel is bad now, after just a few months with her, can you imagine what it would feel like after a few years.

I kept going back to mine, getting roped back in, being hesitant to commit until she began to pull away. From the start, I knew something wasn't quite right about her (and her family), just as you feel the same about yours. This means that you will likely never be able to give yourself to her fully, your instinct will not let you and you will always be wary and never quite comfortable with her, yet you will still form a huge subconscious attachment to her (as you already have done) and a reliance on her (you are miserable without her). In the back of your mind, there will always be this voice quietly telling you to remove yourself from the situation and from her.

Then sooner or later, she will leave you and discard you again and she will blame you for not giving yourself fully to the relationship as she will have sensed your cautiousness. And she will partly be right about this. In short, this will mess you up massively.

I say all this because I recognise similarities in the beginnings of both our stories.

Try to focus on your mother, she is much more important.
 

GoodOne123

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You will get over her. Take your time.

Even if you got back with her, it wouldn't work out, and the further you go with her, the more painful the experience will be each and every time something like this happens. Trust me on this; if you think what you feel is bad now, after just a few months with her, can you imagine what it would feel like after a few years.

I kept going back to mine, getting roped back in, being hesitant to commit until she began to pull away. From the start, I knew something wasn't quite right about her (and her family), just as you feel the same about yours. This means that you will likely never be able to give yourself to her fully, your instinct will not let you and you will always be wary and never quite comfortable with her, yet you will still form a huge subconscious attachment to her (as you already have done) and a reliance on her (you are miserable without her). In the back of your mind, there will always be this voice quietly telling you to remove yourself from the situation and from her.

Then sooner or later, she will leave you and discard you again and she will blame you for not giving yourself fully to the relationship as she will have sensed your cautiousness. And she will partly be right about this. In short, this will mess you up massively.

I say all this because I recognise similarities in the beginnings of both our stories.

Try to focus on your mother, she is much more important.
Thanks man, I listen to your advice.

It does feel like it will definitely end up just like the way you described. I will also have resentment towards her if I get back with her, which is unhealthy for the relationship. And like you said, I will always have my instincts telling me to leave. I just sense that she will either drive me crazy/depressed, or cause trouble in my life and put me in some deep ****. My family, and my close friends have warned me about her, saying she sounds dangerous and seems crazy, which is also a bad sign.

My mind is made up and I'm going to stick to it. I'm going to find new women when I get out of this, my ex will be forgotten, and I'm going to work on myself in the meantime.

My mother is going to be my priority right now, I need to be there for her and I will. I won't give up.
 
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