I am broken - Marriage Decision Must be Made

Reyaj

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I do all that too, that's basic stuff. I'm no so aloof I'm out cheating and lying about it lol, tbh that's probably it.
You can be aloof without the cheating, just focus on something else for a while and make her wonder about you..

The level of egoism you display is just astonishing.... you casually mention how you're cheating on your woman and that "of course" you'll never tell her "lol", and then go on to complain about how you don't know whether using her as a house maid and cheating on her or breaking up would be better for yourself. To top it off, you explicitly call yourself (and I myself am an atheist) a "Christian". F*ck off.

I can't believe how you guys come here to cry, complain and whine about how women aren't good enough for you every f*cking day, and then you betray them without even feeling any shame about your hypocrisy. This sh!t is demoralizing.
lol oh no the moral police!

Of course I worry about myself first you daft jvack ass. I'm not hurting anybody, I make sure she doesn't know what I do on the side, I'm not about hurting people. I'm free to fornicate with whomeverI want Life isn't fair, accept it azzhole.

This is a big key for me too. I realize it sounds juvenile to admit it, but there's something about the rush of flirtation that's almost as good as conquest. The feeling that you could slay it but you haven't yet. I too was not great with women as a teen and even in college I could have been better. I think my adult/redpill years are like making up for lost time or trying to relive my adolescence or something. But, I don't have the energy to constantly create scenarios like that. When I was younger there was more drinking, more parties and get togethers. Now what? Hit up a bar? Cold approaches during the day? Half my day I'm figuring out my life and the other half just taking a load off.

Sometimes I envision this amazing married life with a couple of kids, the wife stays hot (is younger but ages well). Maybe once in a great while I stumble into a side lay but it's purely physical and never discovered. But what you say is true about most American women and plenty of other westerners. I'm in Spain now and I've noticed a marked difference in female behavior here. It's not perfect but they are nicer to men and to each other, at least where I am. It's very family-oriented here and from what I've read and seen, it's not so easy to score a casual lay - people protect reputations. So I may go through a dry spell but I'm also charmed by what I've encountered so far. (And this is a fairly liberal/open country otherwise; there are plenty of ugly feminists here too.)

Contrast that to before I left, I had drinks with an American chick in NY who told me she'd "only been in two orgies." She was 22 or 23. Good for her but why broadcast it? Lol. And I would have banged her if she let me - we made out but that was it. Probably a good thing.

Not sure where I'm going with all this other than I feel you bro...and I don't believe in "the one" of course but there's something to be said for a supportive, feminine, and yeah for lack of a better term strong (not in the bytchy sense) woman by your side. But you can do that without getting married. I personally have had the best experiences with women from traditional backgrounds/countries - women who were from Asia and South America. My worst experiences were with white Americans girls, but I lived in the Northeast so maybe that's why.
I've heard someone once say either you retire from the game or the game retires you. I also don't have the time/energy to crease those scenarios although I admit I do try at times. I have found that most females that still have the ability to bear children healthy want marriage. This is just reality... and I understand their desire for that kind of security to be honest.

What you want is the Disney equilvant of the girl dreaming of hot well hung Prince Charming who will sweep her off her feet, they move to a mansion where he dots on her while showering her with diamonds and luxury cars.

You’re gf is the adult in the relationship and the buffer representing security and stability which you don’t have without her, it seems. You want to keep that while f**king other women. She’s a safe bet and is willing to provide you something you want and you don’t want to give that up but you want to live like a single man too.

In order for clarity to be achieved it has to be based on reality and while you are saying you have this dilemma, what you are really looking for is a solution to how you can have your cake and eat it to without destroying other people and feel good about your decisions and that’s not realistic.

It really is one or the other if you want this to do this and feel ok about it.

But honestly my advice is to be single, because you really, really, really are not husband material and that’s ok.

It may hurt her for a bit, but she will get over it and meet a guy who can reciprocate what she has to offer, because you can’t. And that’s also ok just be honest about that. You’re not the one for her and she’s not the one for you.
I agree with you 100% I do want a scenario where I can have my cake and eat it too. But if it comes down to it I'd rather have her than a lonely life of chasing women. Therefore I am not giving her up at this time. As I said above I look after myself first, she can certainly leave me as well if she isn't happy. I have nothing to feel guilty about in that respect.
 

CalabreseMike

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I've been procrastinating writing this post but I can no longer do so. The title of this post is the first thought that comes to my mind in this very complicated situation.

Before I write about the decision I need to make and the circumstances around it I need to first discuss and reveal myself....

I am not normal.... I fear the house in the suburbs with the wife,kids and white picket fence. I feel like I am selling out so to speak and am just another sheep in society.

I suffer from cognitive dissonance though of wanting to be calm and simple while also wanting to be someone special and enjoy the superficial pleasures in life... driving a nice car, hooking up with hot girls whenever I want, and essentially being someone who is envied for living life to the fullest and not falling into the marriage trap and the rat race.

However I am 40 years old. I really don't feel like it mentally though... I feel like I'm in my 20's who wants to go out to bars/parties/clubs and hook up with girls if I can. I've been really living a double life doing so... whether its from going out or online I've been meeting girls on the side while In my 4 year relationship and also did so previously while I was in my 5 year relationship.

Yes it feels like deja vu all over again... You can certainly search and find a thread I wrote years back when I facing a similar marriage situation. I actually felt I upgraded my girl which I still believe I have. Unfortunately the same thing about bothering the hell out of me about both of them.... their weight!!!!

This is exactly where the internal mental conflict kicks in... part of the time I am happy with a good companion who has past all my screenings.. and the other half of the time I want a thinner woman!

Here is the irony... when I met my current girlfriend she was 24 and very attractive! The sex with her was amazing, I was so attracted to her... I would even want go down on her which is something I don't generally do. My girlfriend before her was voluptuous and pretty but turned into a whale. It caused a big problem for me which was a big factor in our relationship ending. When I ended up with my current girlfriend I felt so happy because here was a girl that was in shape, attractive and I physically into. But now I feel like I'm in a similar boat.

I guess my current girlfriend has a large frame... its something I never noticed though until the weight gain. She is just overweight a bit but I wouldn't call her a whale. My ex girlfriend, now that was a whale. My ex was lazy and didn't stick to eating healthy or a workout schedule. My current girlfriend does eat healthy for the most part (except on the weekends with eating and drinking). Maybe she is just past the Age of Expiration of 27 I've read about and that's just life?

I've looked at pictures of us together throughout the years... she was so beautiful early on... I'm not saying she is ugly now but she just looks like a normal overweight American girl.

Now let me say how great she is... she cooks amazing, she works hard and has money saved for us to get a house, she'll do me or sexually please me whenever I want (which hasn't been much lately around her), she is intelligent. She comes from a good family that really likes me a lot.

Me... well I cheat, have crazy debt, and basically still not sure what I want to do with my life. Unfortunately at 40 I feel like I'm out of time to figure it out... especially if I want to have children.

I've been writing down a lot of my thoughts lately about the situation. Here they are in no particular order:

Thoughts

  • Should my mission be to find the hottest girl I can attain?

  • Should I accept that I can't retain hot women? I've had sex with a few in the past but keeping a relationship with them was exhausting.

  • I'm a sex addict and can't control it. When I get horny I start craving other women and sometimes go to the strip club for extras.

  • I want to have a wife and family at home but still be able to game attractive women on the side - Thus the life I want is unattainable.

  • When I *** I feel relaxed and not consumed with sex addiction thoughts.

  • My girlfriend has gained weight and is heavy. This really bothers me. I feel like I would want a girl with a nice body but other times I wouldn't want to deal with it.

  • When I am sick or physically ill I realize mortality and the importance of essential needs with a wife with good values can provide.

  • I get upset when I look at my girlfriend and see a big girl then I see thinner girls with boyfriends who appear less attractive than me and I feel I should have one of them.

  • I don't like dealing with the game of dating and the efforts attached to it. Yet I am still very attracted to other women. Maybe I need to live a double life?

  • I am in terrible financial shape.

  • My girlfriend is a successful worker who manages money well.

  • Sometimes I feel very content in my relationship but my sexual attraction for my girlfriend has waned.
Help me!
Are children involved ?
 

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Reyaj

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Bokanovsky

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Reyaj, you said that your finances are in terrible shape. Obviously, that's weighing heavily on your mind because you said it twice. It seems that part of the reason why you want to marry this girl is that she's got her sh!t together (except for her weight) and you don't. Would you still consider marrying her if your finances weren't a mess or would you try to pursue a hotter woman?

Why are your finances in such bad shape? Are you too lazy to work hard? Lack of ambition/motivation? Out of control spending on things you can't really afford? Do you have a gambling or drug problem? I'm not being condescending - just trying to understand what the issue is.

A marriage is the last thing someone in your position should be considering. It's not going to end well. You don't love your girlfriend; in fact, you are not even attracted to her. Your are cheating on her and will continue to do so after marriage. Eventually, you will get caught. She is going to resent you not only for being a cheater but also for not being financially successful (trust me, if she doesn't now, she will after you get married). It's all going to end in a messy divorce. You are going to end up like one of those deadbeat dads, with no money to pay child support and an ex that hates him. You re going to ruin your life, and probably your girlfriend's life too.
 

KarmaSutra

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The whole premise of this thread boils down to a unicorn.
Obviously the OP has a dilemma. So why did he get into the situation in the first place? Now he’s wasted five years of another person’s life.
Not only did he not follow his own nature but he’s going to have to thrash her to get back to where he needs to be.

She knows how to manage money and he is a financial wreck. I don’t have a dog in this hunt so I don’t give a $hit. The fact is, he’s a chump under all of that.
Blunt answer but true nonetheless. It's this guys' complete disregard for his own boundary which is leading him in five directions at the same time. Insecurity in his decision making is what's weighing him down like a Blue Whale, gasping for air through a pinched straw. Make a decision then stand with it. Whether it's good or bad for someone else is, in truth, irrelevant. Sometimes being selfish is the most appreciative thing you can do for your long-term mental state.
 

JST8828

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1 - Do not settle down with this girl. Your frame of mind is nowhere near that of someone ready to get married.

2 - I feel you on the weight gain topic. It's a touchy subject but sadly it's just reality for American women these days. They get comfortable after being in a relationship, don't care anymore, and go to hell. Short of finding either a gym nut or someone with genes that will keep her thin, most American women will become big. I experienced this in a relationship years ago as well. It is saddening. She didn't become a "whale" so to speak, but she clearly digressed even a year into the relationship.

Good luck.
 

Reyaj

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Reyaj, you said that your finances are in terrible shape. Obviously, that's weighing heavily on your mind because you said it twice. It seems that part of the reason why you want to marry this girl is that she's got her sh!t together (except for her weight) and you don't. Would you still consider marrying her if your finances weren't a mess or would you try to pursue a hotter woman?

Why are your finances in such bad shape? Are you too lazy to work hard? Lack of ambition/motivation? Out of control spending on things you can't really afford? Do you have a gambling or drug problem? I'm not being condescending - just trying to understand what the issue is.

A marriage is the last thing someone in your position should be considering. It's not going to end well. You don't love your girlfriend; in fact, you are not even attracted to her. Your are cheating on her and will continue to do so after marriage. Eventually, you will get caught. She is going to resent you not only for being a cheater but also for not being financially successful (trust me, if she doesn't now, she will after you get married). It's all going to end in a messy divorce. You are going to end up like one of those deadbeat dads, with no money to pay child support and an ex that hates him. You re going to ruin your life, and probably your girlfriend's life too.
I like your post..
Would you still consider marrying her if your finances weren't a mess or would you try to pursue a hotter woman?

I've tried to be true to myself and ask myself this question. The answer I seem to come to ambivalence... My thought process is if I was affluent I could have a thinner girl... a head turner... But then my logic immediately tells me that girls like that are only with you for money and if the girl I a with accepts me at a low state in my life, then that's a keeper and that's priceless.

I do have a gambling and spending problem.

I do love my girlfriend and I am attracted to her at times.. but not the same as when we first were dating and she was in good shape. I can't disagree with what your future prediction is for me but it's contingent on the mindset I have..

If this is not the right mindset I don't understand why people aren't encouraging me to change? Basically it just seems people think I'm beyond repair and could never change. Why can't I be encouraged to fix these areas of my life instead of just being seen as incorrigible? I'd like someone to make me see the light of why a life cheating and chasing tail is fruitless. I think I objectively know it but I have a dark passenger.

Blunt answer but true nonetheless. It's this guys' complete disregard for his own boundary which is leading him in five directions at the same time. Insecurity in his decision making is what's weighing him down like a Blue Whale, gasping for air through a pinched straw. Make a decision then stand with it. Whether it's good or bad for someone else is, in truth, irrelevant. Sometimes being selfish is the most appreciative thing you can do for your long-term mental state.
This was the philosophy I followed in my last marriage predicament. I think history will be repeating itself.

1 - Do not settle down with this girl. Your frame of mind is nowhere near that of someone ready to get married.

2 - I feel you on the weight gain topic. It's a touchy subject but sadly it's just reality for American women these days. They get comfortable after being in a relationship, don't care anymore, and go to hell. Short of finding either a gym nut or someone with genes that will keep her thin, most American women will become big. I experienced this in a relationship years ago as well. It is saddening. She didn't become a "whale" so to speak, but she clearly digressed even a year into the relationship.

Good luck.
Yes my gf is not a whale.. my last one was. She just is heavier from when she was when I was first seeing her... I couldn't get enough sex from her initially, now I lust for other women.

You're right my frame of mind is not marriage material... but if its better for myself to get married and have a family shouldn't I work on it?
 

Reyaj

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I think I'm the problem. I have a sex addiction that I embrace.

Onto probably a deeper feeling here... This might be the sappiest you'll ever hear me sound on here.. I also am not the biggest proponent of trendy songs on MTV. But if you go to 2:39 in this video and look at the left hand side this is a pretty good representation of when I've felt the most rushing happiest moments in life.

Being out with a girl you like, hoping she likes you but you aren't 100% sure what will happen... you end up kissing... I can't describe this feeling of acceptance in words but hopefully someone can relate.

 
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samspade

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My girlfriend is fat :( She used to look good such a shame.
Are you in good shape and do you work out? Does she feel any competition anxiety?
 

Reyaj

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Are you in good shape and do you work out? Does she feel any competition anxiety?
I'm technically a bit out of shape but I look good physique wise if that makes any sense. We both said we are going to work out consistently this new year so we'll see. The thing that is scary is she does actually work out a few times a week and eats relatively healthy during the week, just not on weekends. I fear it might be her age that is diminishing her looks and weight retention. As Des says once a women hits 27 they expire, my girl is now 28.

Part of me feels likes a dirt bag for being so superficial... the other side of me wants to bang hot girls with thinner bodies.
 

Fzatf

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I'm technically a bit out of shape but I look good physique wise if that makes any sense. We both said we are going to work out consistently this new year so we'll see. The thing that is scary is she does actually work out a few times a week and eats relatively healthy during the week, just not on weekends. I fear it might be her age that is diminishing her looks and weight retention. As Des says once a women hits 27 they expire, my girl is now 28.

Part of me feels likes a dirt bag for being so superficial... the other side of me wants to bang hot girls with thinner bodies.
Metabolism slows with age but she can still lose weight by eating less calories and exercising. If she has trouble eating less, she should eat foods that will keep her satiated such as complex carbs and fiber dense foods such as vegetables.

The myfitnesspal app is good for tracking how much you're eating and calculating how much you need to eat on a daily basis to lose weight.
 
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Reyaj

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Metabolism slows with age but she can still lose weight by eating less calories and exercising. If she has trouble eating less, she should eat foods that will keep her satiated such as complex carbs and fiber dense foods such as vegetables.

The myfitnesspal app is good for tracking how much you're eating and calculating how much you need to eat on a daily basis to lose weight.
Is it free?
 

Glassguy

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Lots of good advise on here. Very tough situation for sure.

I agree the most with @Bible_Belt . You have a reluctant attitude about marrying this woman now and I think it stands to be reasoned that things you dont like about her now are only going to be intensified over time, as they already have, but more so after you would potentially marry her.

At the end of the day you owe it to yourself to do what is best for you. You also in a way owe it to her to not get into a situation that seems to surely have a very high rate for failure, just to appease her "need" for marriage.

Just ask yourself this- where are you going to be in a year from now both with and without her? In 5 years? In 10 years?

If you walk away to find a more complete and fulfilling woman, are you going to be ok and happy being single for the next 5 years assuming you dont "settle" on another one?

True there are so many women out there that hooking up, short term dating, etc is EASY. Especially if you get back in good shape and get your mind and finances headed to a better place. But out of all of those easy situations it truly is tough to find someone that you are very compatible with.

Only you can answer as none of us know either of you on a personal level and we do not truly know all of the story.

We only live once. Based on your responses to some of these posts, I dont think you will truly be happy with her over time and as long as you can be successful with your own happiness during times of being alone, it is the safer option.
 

Killakittie

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Be authentic. Be true to yourself and be honest with her about your perspective and let the chips fall where they may.

It will probably be the first time you feel truly free
Exactly. And I'll add that you need to seriously sit down and be open and honest with yourself about what you want. Your 40 your not going to be able to play the field with hot bi!ches forever man. As you get older there will be less options you'll have for a good partner.

Cognitive dissonance tells us there's an imbalance in our lives, that somethings wrong. You know already what's wrong. What's stopping you from acting on it? Could it be that you don't trust your own judgment..if you fear the white picket fence why bother with relationships at all? Especially marriage?? I have a feeling you haven been honest with your gf/wife at all and you probably should. After you figure it out clearly.
 

longtail

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You are clearly NOT in love with her and clearly do NOT want to marry her. You've already answered your own question.

The problem is, you don't have anywhere near the SMV required to live the lifestyle you want. Think about this realistically. I have never met a man and I've known quite a few guys who are serious players, who had a series of many hot girlfriends. As much as we criticize women, they're not dumb and they don't act against their instincts.

Your SMV is far lower than the top players I've met who have a string of 6's, and if they are extremely lucky, score with an occasional 8. Since your SMV is below average (40+, ethnic) you won't be hooking up even with these 6's consistently. I'm not even sure you could pull 4's and 5's consistently. As a matter of fact, I'm certain you could not.

That means your sex life would be far worse than it would be if you were married. You'd at least have occasional sex (without paying). Without a wife, now you're looking at nothing.

The question I have is, why do you still have this delusional sense of entitlement at 40+ when nothing in your experience supports that this could become a reality? Your judgement is severely lacking. That's what you need to work on first above all else.
 
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