Handling hints of serious talk

[filerfiler]

Being seen by this girl recently, I am over 40. She is second half of her 20s and an objective 9. She is not ready for an LTR in my assessment with the way she generally behaves - she enjoys the attention of orbiters and doesn't set good boundaries. We have been seeing each other for about 8 months. Things are generally really good and we have a lot of chemistry together but I don't think I want to take it beyond that.

She frequently drops hints that she is thinking about some serious topics like kids and moving in together but she doesn't talk about these in the short term. She talks about them in the general sense. She doesn't necessarily talk about it directly; she just hints.

For example yesterday she went on a long monologue about whether people are having kids at the right time and whether they are considering their financial situation. She went on about this for a long time and I'm not sure why. It's certainly the case that this is playing up in her mind but it's probably the case that she is fishing for my view on these things. I've never really expressed whether I want them either way.

Whenever she talked about this stuff I don't really respond. Sometimes she asks me direct questions like, "Will you want to move from your place at some point" or " do you want kids in your life?" and I would say something deflective like "At the right time" or "Maybe in the future" or "I'm not thinking about that right now."

I think I handle the direct questions we'll just looking for some input on how to handle when she is fishing for my thoughts... I generally just let her talk and don't respond and when she stops the monologue I switch topics

 

[BPH]

I had a friend who experienced something like this with a girl he'd been hooking up with for a while.

He came to me, stressed out, because he thought this girl wanted a relationship.

Why did he think that? Was she dropping hints? Did she ask him if he was seeing anybody else? Maybe she asked him to be her boyfriend?

Nope. He just assumed that's something she wanted because they had been "seeing each other for a while". I told him he was stressed out over a problem that only existed in his head.

Regardless, he felt guilty, and this ate at him, so he ended up asking her to be his girlfriend, which she accepted. He folded under zero pressure. I told him I didn't understand why he asked me for advice when he created his own problem.

TL;DR if you're gonna have that conversation, have it or don't have it. But don't make assumptions based on hints that she may or may not be dropping.

 

[BillyPilgrim]

Gaslighting aside lol, next time she's doing this, turn to her and look at her without saying anything, and once she shuts it do the fishing reel thing with your hands. She should get the idea to drop it or go direct. Then if she does repeat your prior vague answers lol.

 

[filerfiler]

BPH your response strong ironic element I’ll let you figure out

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Bro you are at 40+.

Those are ridiculous answers to give at your age. When is the right time going to be, when you are 70?

 

[filerfiler]

With the right woman why not… but I don’t want to give false hope when she isn’t behaving like she warrants that sort of serious upgrade

 

[BackInTheGame78]

With the right woman why not… but I don’t want to give false hope when she isn’t behaving like she warrants that sort of serious upgrade

These sound like nonsense excuses. You don't want kids. That's the real issue, which is fine.

Just be a grown ass man and tell her the truth instead of trying to drag out sex as long as you can.

You simply are not compatible. Nothing wrong with that. There is something wrong with intentionally lying to her when you know the truth.

 

[BillyPilgrim]

These sound like nonsense excuses. You don't want kids. That's the real issue, which is fine.

Just be a grown ass man and tell her the truth instead of trying to drag out sex as long as you can.

You simply are not compatible. Nothing wrong with that. There is something wrong with intentionally lying to her when you know the truth.

I don't think OP actually lied to her though. Nor were the answers he gave her dishonest. Vague, yes, but not too far from what he has revealed here in this thread.

Bro you are at 40+.

Those are ridiculous answers to give at your age. When is the right time going to be, when you are 70?

There's no marriage and kids law in the USA to my knowledge. This answer is no less ridiculous.


OP to be more fair to the chick, tell her she should be more mature for consideration of what she desires the next time she goes fishing. That would impart maturity on your part as well. Set the example.

 

[filerfiler]

These sound like nonsense excuses. You don't want kids. That's the real issue, which is fine.

Just be a grown ass man and tell her the truth instead of trying to drag out sex as long as you can.

You simply are not compatible. Nothing wrong with that. There is something wrong with intentionally lying to her when you know the truth.

Nope I do want kids. And I have already. Thanks for your input.

 

[BaronOfHair]

@filerfiler "Things are generally really good and we have a lot of chemistry together but I don't think I want to take it beyond that"

Comparable to Popeyes Chicken... Enjoy dining there, until the day things get unruly

Then move on

 

[Bokanovsky]

She frequently drops hints that she is thinking about some serious topics like kids and moving in together but she doesn't talk about these in the short term. She talks about them in the general sense. She doesn't necessarily talk about it directly; she just hints.

In case you haven't figured this out independently in your 40+ years on this planet, women are rarely if ever direct, especially when it comes to important stuff like relationships and life goals. Being indirect is how they protect their egos. So the fact that she's asking you indirect questions does not in any way, shape or form mean that she wants to express abstract, philosophical thoughts on the subject of children and families. That should be obvious.

It should also be obvious that an attractive woman in her 20's is not going to date a guy nearly twice her age because he's "hot". There are really only two possibilities here. The first possibility is that she sees you as $$$$. The second possibility is that she considers guys her own age to be "immature" and wants to be with someone older, someone who she thinks is ready to start a family.

 

[filerfiler]

In case you haven't figured this out independently in your 40+ years on this planet, women are rarely if ever direct, especially when it comes to important stuff like relationships and life goals. Being indirect is how they protect their egos. So the fact that she's asking you indirect questions does not in any way, shape or form mean that she wants to express abstract, philosophical thoughts about the subject of children and families. That should be obvious.

It should also be obvious that an attractive woman in her 20's is not going to date a guy nearly twice her age because he's "hot". There are really only two possibilities here. The first possibility is that she sees you as $$$$. The second possibility is that she considers guys her own age to be "immature" and wants to be with someone older, someone who she thinks is ready to start a family.

There is some wisdom in this…

 

[BackInTheGame78]

I don't think OP actually lied to her though. Nor were the answers he gave her dishonest. Vague, yes, but not too far from what he has revealed here in this thread.



There's no marriage and kids law in the USA to my knowledge. This answer is no less ridiculous.


OP to be more fair to the chick, tell her she should be more mature for consideration of what she desires the next time she goes fishing. That would impart maturity on your part as well. Set the example.

Very few people are going to have the energy levels to keep up with small children at that age on a daily basis.

I mean I am in elite shape and I wouldn't even want to try it at my age, let alone in another 20+ years. Most people will never be in the type of shape I am in right now in their entire life, forget about at age 70+.

You shouldn't need laws to dictate common sense. Unfortunately many do apparently.

 

[Clockwerk50]

There are fears and insecurities that often differ between men and women. A woman may be attracted to a man's confidence and strength, but too much of it can come across as cold, distant, or emotionally unavailable. One common concern is that the man is interested only in sex and not in a deeper connection.

OP, even if you are not interested in an LTR, this is about as close to a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship as it can get without an official title. The cycle of romantic attachment revolves around comfort tests, such as this one, which you are already passing, so I'll save my time and energy explaining what they are and how to pass them. Then you will become comfortable, and later she will start ****-testing you in other ways, like the "orbiters" from one of your previous posts.

To be fair, your strategy is what I use in my own life to extend the lifespan of my plates, and it eventually comes to a point where it requires too much effort, too much repetition, too much emotional maintenance, or one person starts looking elsewhere. At that point, the ending is usually inevitable.

So I don't really have much advice for you. If you already know you don't want an LTR with her, then what you're experiencing is fairly typical. This is often how these situations play out when you're involved with someone you enjoy but don't see as a long-term partner.

 

[Rainman4707]

Being seen by this girl recently, I am over 40. She is second half of her 20s and an objective 9. She is not ready for an LTR in my assessment with the way she generally behaves - she enjoys the attention of orbiters and doesn't set good boundaries. We have been seeing each other for about 8 months. Things are generally really good and we have a lot of chemistry together but I don't think I want to take it beyond that.

She frequently drops hints that she is thinking about some serious topics like kids and moving in together but she doesn't talk about these in the short term. She talks about them in the general sense. She doesn't necessarily talk about it directly; she just hints.

For example yesterday she went on a long monologue about whether people are having kids at the right time and whether they are considering their financial situation. She went on about this for a long time and I'm not sure why. It's certainly the case that this is playing up in her mind but it's probably the case that she is fishing for my view on these things. I've never really expressed whether I want them either way.

Whenever she talked about this stuff I don't really respond. Sometimes she asks me direct questions like, "Will you want to move from your place at some point" or " do you want kids in your life?" and I would say something deflective like "At the right time" or "Maybe in the future" or "I'm not thinking about that right now."

I think I handle the direct questions we'll just looking for some input on how to handle when she is fishing for my thoughts... I generally just let her talk and don't respond and when she stops the monologue I switch topics

I have always handled questions like this like a breeze. The way i see it is she can talk about it as much as she wants, i just say "if i meet the right girl, then maybe." Wait for her to ask you OUTRIGHT. Anything else let it breeze off you.

 

[The Duke]

Being seen by this girl recently, I am over 40. She is second half of her 20s and an objective 9. She is not ready for an LTR in my assessment with the way she generally behaves - she enjoys the attention of orbiters and doesn't set good boundaries. We have been seeing each other for about 8 months. Things are generally really good and we have a lot of chemistry together but I don't think I want to take it beyond that.

She frequently drops hints that she is thinking about some serious topics like kids and moving in together but she doesn't talk about these in the short term. She talks about them in the general sense. She doesn't necessarily talk about it directly; she just hints.

For example yesterday she went on a long monologue about whether people are having kids at the right time and whether they are considering their financial situation. She went on about this for a long time and I'm not sure why. It's certainly the case that this is playing up in her mind but it's probably the case that she is fishing for my view on these things. I've never really expressed whether I want them either way.

Whenever she talked about this stuff I don't really respond. Sometimes she asks me direct questions like, "Will you want to move from your place at some point" or " do you want kids in your life?" and I would say something deflective like "At the right time" or "Maybe in the future" or "I'm not thinking about that right now."

I think I handle the direct questions we'll just looking for some input on how to handle when she is fishing for my thoughts... I generally just let her talk and don't respond and when she stops the monologue I switch topics

I think your replies are fine. Honest, but vague because you havent made up your mind. Nothing wrong with that. This is how I've always handled stuff like this.

However, I am always very forward from the start that I am never getting married again and it doesn't stop them from getting close to me or begging me for marriage.

She is looking for a provider for producing children and financial benefit. Notice how she coupled having kids with the financial conditions. Women always look to the system or society to make their lives easier. Don't forget that.

 

[zekko]

Being seen by this girl recently, I am over 40. She is second half of her 20s and an objective 9. She is not ready for an LTR in my assessment with the way she generally behaves - she enjoys the attention of orbiters and doesn't set good boundaries. We have been seeing each other for about 8 months. Things are generally really good and we have a lot of chemistry together but I don't think I want to take it beyond that.

You can continue to deflect with her if you want, or you can be more direct and just tell her you're not into her plans. Just don't be surprised if she suddenly decides to break it off with you, because it sounds like she definitely wants to start a family some day. I'm not in favor of lying to her to string her along, but that's just me.

 

[filerfiler]

The cycle of romantic attachment revolves around comfort tests, such as this one, which you are already passing, so I'll save my time and energy explaining what they are and how to pass them. Then you will become comfortable, and later she will start ****-testing you in other ways, like the "orbiters" from one of your previous posts.

I think this is golden. I think these monologues and questions are comfort tests in disguise. I think when she starts going off about finance and children like that something validating like "I agree, having children is a a major decision and shouldn't be rushed, it requires both parties to be comfortable and ready for it".

A pattern with this is girl is she completely swoons when I validate her feefees and thoughts...

 

[filerfiler]

yeah we are not gf/bf but we are a lot more than just fbuddies, we are fairly romantically and emotionally interlinked

 

[Dash Riprock]

Being seen by this girl recently, I am over 40. She is second half of her 20s and an objective 9. She is not ready for an LTR in my assessment with the way she generally behaves - she enjoys the attention of orbiters and doesn't set good boundaries. We have been seeing each other for about 8 months. Things are generally really good and we have a lot of chemistry together but I don't think I want to take it beyond that.

She frequently drops hints that she is thinking about some serious topics like kids and moving in together but she doesn't talk about these in the short term. She talks about them in the general sense. She doesn't necessarily talk about it directly; she just hints.

For example yesterday she went on a long monologue about whether people are having kids at the right time and whether they are considering their financial situation. She went on about this for a long time and I'm not sure why. It's certainly the case that this is playing up in her mind but it's probably the case that she is fishing for my view on these things. I've never really expressed whether I want them either way.

Whenever she talked about this stuff I don't really respond. Sometimes she asks me direct questions like, "Will you want to move from your place at some point" or " do you want kids in your life?" and I would say something deflective like "At the right time" or "Maybe in the future" or "I'm not thinking about that right now."

I think I handle the direct questions we'll just looking for some input on how to handle when she is fishing for my thoughts... I generally just let her talk and don't respond and when she stops the monologue I switch topics

I'm not sure I understand the dilemma. Just be 100% with her and tell where you are in life and what your goals are. Will save you and her frustration down the road. She's at that age where she probably wants to focus on one guy but wants to ensure her and your vision are congruent.

No need to be coy, Roy.