Blindsided Breakup

bacchus

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Sorry to hear that **** happened to you, but it is good to hear there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I've already come to the realization that she wasn't the one for me. I'm genuinely relieved this happened now and not later down the road when things get even deeper and more complex.

You also wouldn't believe the amount of money I'm saving because of this, and I've dropped some weight through switching up my eating habits and hitting the gym morning and night. I feel stronger and more fit then I ever recall, so I'm definitely focusing my attention on me and it's paying off.

I also take comfort in the fact that she has chosen to discard someone who is stable in their life - emotionally, mentally and financially, while she is not, which is why she has always lived at home with her parents. Plus the fact her friends and family have been irked by this. It's not much, I realize that, but it's good to know how much I was liked and appreciated by people closest to her.

This girl is a ghost, plain and simple. She may continue to haunt me for now but that will eventually pass. I do not hold on to any hope of her returning one day, nor would I welcome it.

Her best friend, I'd like to fire, but can't. I put some boundaries in place with her yesterday after she continued to ask for favors around scheduling and leaving early. She may have been privy to perks before, but no more.

I wish I had been as reasonable and pragmatic as you after my horrendous breakup. I’ll post about my experience one of these days. It was almost a year and a half ago and I’m still raw thinking about it. But it was also the catalyst to my complete transformation, and my SMV is currently 2.5-3 points higher than it was when we broke up.

This is an opportunity for you to recalibrate and become your best self. And it sounds like you’re doing just that. Good on you man. I wish you the best. And when the bltch calls/texts you in a couple months, which is a likelihood, ignore and block. You’re too good for her.
 

Bougner

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You know why I wrote it? Why I think it is a likely scenario?

Because a very, very similar thing HAPPENED to me.


In my case, it was an ultimatum that I move from my town to her city, we get a place together...…………...or she didn't see a future for us. I told her that wasn't happening, so I guess we were done. The look on her face as her jaw hit the floor? She spent 5 minutes crying - the ultimatum had backfired, big time. Asked me to stay over - slept in the same bed and never touched her, within 20 seconds she was all over me, tearing my clothes off. Trying to salvage the situation. The next morning we talked about it calmly and ended things. Three weeks later, I am dating a new girl and guess who texts me out of the blue? YEP, the one who "couldn't see me any more, because I wouldn't move"

Onto OP's case


OP and her had been discussing children, seriously. And then she goes gushy over him for two weeks...but he doesn't move forward and plant the seed in the womb / buy the ring...so then she hits him with a "breakup" but:

Spends 3 hours doing it, despite him saying over and over, "I get it and agree, please leave" - she won't leave. She is waiting for him to beg/propose, etc.


Just blew Hundreds on a watch with "love always" on the back for him

Just bought $150 of groceries for his place the day before. FWIW, women don't spend hundreds of dollars on a man the week before they are planning to break up. She never ever expected to really leave.


She had 24 hours to pack her stuff and move it out - yet had not packed a thing....because she wasn't really expecting to have to leave

I could go on and on, but I won't bother. It is as plain as the nose on your face.


OP - get her stuff out of your house ASAP, cut all contact and rush the whole cutting ties process. .

Then post back here in three weeks after she texts you saying "I think I made a mistake"
All of her **** is gone. I've blocked her number, deleted it, and blocked all her social media accounts. I still don't expect to here from her, but what you say is possible.

Get this, a month before she did this she wanted to withdraw her entire work pension and put it towards a house. She even debated resigning her full time nursing position to get it, and reapply as she wouldn't have any problem getting rehired. I talked her out of this because it was just mental. When that idea fell through she tried to get an advance on her father's life insurance for the same reason. That didn't work out either.

Little did she know I was able to secure a down payment for a house. I was going to surprise her for her birthday in August. Hence I've saved a ton of money.

Edit: FYI I never told her this, not even during her breakup.
 
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Bougner

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This tells me most of what I need to know. Of all the excuses she's made, and from what you've said. This one seems to actually hold water. You need to learn to be your own mental point of origin and learn to lead in a relationship. She was likely unimpressed that you never suggested things to do, among other things. How quickly she broke up with you tells me she has a guy on the side that was hitting on her and is more alpha than you are, which is to say: Not at all. You said she was initiating every activity you guys did, dead ringer right there.



She needs the accountability of the trainer like an ex-alcoholic needs to his 12 step meetings. Either she does that or she dies from being a 450 lb land whale at the age of 40. It might just be in her mind, but to her it's worth it. That is money well spent.

I know where you're coming from, I've been there. Work on you and make your own plans in life before you jump into a new relationship.

Read 'No More Mr Nice Guy'. you really need to learn to put yourself first.

Edit: I can almost guarantee she ****ed another guy and that's the real reason she jumped ship.
I get what you're saying. I did plan things though, not nearly on the same scale she did but there were reasons for that. She has a very large circle of friends and her family is huge. Virtually every weekend she was off she had things planned with other people and she would usually make these plans weeks, sometimes months in advance. ForShe almost always included me but the opportunity to do something spontaneously, or plan something a week in advance was almost impossible.

Take a look at the weekends leading up to her break up.

1) We were up north for my birthday
2) She worked and it was Father's Day - I spent Saturday with my dad, we spent Sunday with hers after she got off work
3) Family BBQ at her mother's which included her friends followed by going out dancing with her best friend
4) She worked
5) Can't remember the details of this weekend but she was off
6) Up north for the weekend
7) Mother's Day weekend - we got our mothers together to meet and took them out for dinner
8) She worked
9) Her mother's birthday party, dinner with her cousin and we had a double date with her best friend

This takes us back into April and all of these events were booked with people or planned well in advance. Was I suppose to book dates with her months in advance? Was I suppose to tell her no we aren't doing what you want we're doing what I want instead?

She complained about a lack of spontaneity yet the opportunity for spontaneity wasn't really possible.

This is just how she was. I don't recall ever approaching a weekend and she didn't have plans. She liked to be busy, she liked to socialize with her friends and family, and she did include me almost every time.

I'm also focusing on the weekends because that is when I'm off. I work evenings throughout the week so there is no opportunity to plan anything.

I've seen other relationships where the woman does the majority of the event planning without any problems. My dad has been in a relationship exactly like that for over 20 years. Works for them.

She also enjoyed pushing me out of my comfort zone and trying to get me to do things or try things I was not use to. It almost reassured her when I complied and made her insecure when I didn't. I also wanted to do these things. Should I instead adopt the approach that when a woman wants me to do something unfamiliar or outside my comfort zone I deny her?

I'm telling you, almost every reason she listed was bogus or greatly exaggerated. She was trying to convince herself that she was doing the right thing. Whether that was to pursue another, to gain perspective while being on her own, or to provoke a chase response from me, only she really knows at this point.

There's also no evidence or any indication prior to that last weekend that she may have been pursuing someone else or cheating on me.

Would a women who's engaged in an affair that early in a relationship still invest so much of their personal time and money in to the person she is tired of and intends to leave? Would she include him in multiple family events right up to a few days before calling it quits? Would she continue to show affection? Just 4 days before making her decision she brought up buying a house again with me.

She's impulsive and rash. I'm confident that whatever got the ball rolling on her decision to leave happened around the time she went back to work. What that was I'll probably never know.
 

Bougner

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You know why I wrote it? Why I think it is a likely scenario?

Because a very, very similar thing HAPPENED to me.


In my case, it was an ultimatum that I move from my town to her city, we get a place together...…………...or she didn't see a future for us. I told her that wasn't happening, so I guess we were done. The look on her face as her jaw hit the floor? She spent 5 minutes crying - the ultimatum had backfired, big time. Asked me to stay over - slept in the same bed and never touched her, within 20 seconds she was all over me, tearing my clothes off. Trying to salvage the situation. The next morning we talked about it calmly and ended things. Three weeks later, I am dating a new girl and guess who texts me out of the blue? YEP, the one who "couldn't see me any more, because I wouldn't move"

Onto OP's case


OP and her had been discussing children, seriously. And then she goes gushy over him for two weeks...but he doesn't move forward and plant the seed in the womb / buy the ring...so then she hits him with a "breakup" but:

Spends 3 hours doing it, despite him saying over and over, "I get it and agree, please leave" - she won't leave. She is waiting for him to beg/propose, etc.


Just blew Hundreds on a watch with "love always" on the back for him

Just bought $150 of groceries for his place the day before. FWIW, women don't spend hundreds of dollars on a man the week before they are planning to break up. She never ever expected to really leave.


She had 24 hours to pack her stuff and move it out - yet had not packed a thing....because she wasn't really expecting to have to leave

I could go on and on, but I won't bother. It is as plain as the nose on your face.


OP - get her stuff out of your house ASAP, cut all contact and rush the whole cutting ties process. .

Then post back here in three weeks after she texts you saying "I think I made a mistake"
I agree that this was a possibility, others thought so too. I just find it extremely unlikely at this point.

It seems a little unrealistic that she would stage all of this while also telling her family and friends she is breaking up with me. That would cause them stress and mixed emotions. You'd think she would want to avoid that if her goal was to further her relationship with me.

You'd also assume she wouldn't change the reservation to the Caribbean from the two person reservation we had to switching on to her friend's sisters reservation so they could share a room. (It was a destination wedding we were going to attend)

No, she is gone. It may have been spontaneous, she may not have thought it out fully or planned for it, she may even regret it one day, but she is definitely gone.

I also know she wasn't looking for a proposal or to get pregnant, and there was no gushy phase as you describe. We only talked about marriage once, briefly, and it was closer to the beginning of our relationship. I think I just asked her if she saw marriage in her future or not. That was it. As for becoming pregnant, there was very little chance of that happening until after December. She has an IUD that was set to come out then so it was almost impossible. That's why all of our plans to have kids weren't until the new year. She acted the same way she always had right up until the weekend before she broke this off.

The only big step we discussed recently, and she seemed a little anxious about making it happen sooner rather than later, was moving in to a house. Like I said earlier, she considered resigning her full time nursing position to cash out her pension, and she asked her father for an advance on his life insurance. Neither were realistic.

She never offered me an ultimatum either. There was no avenue to reconcile or way to give her what she secretly desired. Sure, she dragged out the conversation, but as most people here have hypothesized, that was probably more for her to feel better about leaving. It felt like she didn't want to leave until I was OK with everything. It was evident she cared and wanted to minimize as best she could how ****ty she was making me feel. It's true that I gave her several opportunities to leave and even told her there was no point in continuing the conversation given her decision, and she did chose to continue talking, but I'm not sure that really means anything. After all, if you really do care about a person and you know this may very well be the last time you ever see them, you'd probably want to depart as best as possible too. She expressed a desire to anyway.

For the first time in our entire relationship she expressed genuine sadness and she did so twice. The first was when I took the first rose I ever bought her and its vase and threw it in the trash, symbolically ending our relationship, and the second was when she fought back tears (a first for her) when she told me this was difficult for her too. If this was all a ruse I don't think those emotions would have been on display. She was always great at hiding her emotions so the fact she let them come through really suggests this was a genuine break up.

Of all the uncertainties and question marks surrounding why this happened, there isn't a doubt in my mind that this decision, and the effect she knew, and then saw it have on me, caused her pain. I've been in enough relationships in my life to know when someone genuinely cares and when they're full of ****. She cared, telling me to my face is evident of that.
 

DEEZEDBRAH

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This

Seriously that 3 hour conv was for her to feel better about leaving. This is all.
Dont waste time thinking about it, ***** is gone NEXT!
+1



There's a reason why dread game is Goat status. Its also why marriage is cuck.

Willingness to walk is OG.

Furthermore, even if LTR or dating, men need to be flexing their muscles. Open sets. Even if you won't cheat, you need to be seeding ones ability to.

LMR is gone when or you next her. 12hr shifts? Sounds like in a workplace prevalent with cucking.

Woman are predictable OP

She dumped you cause :

1) wants to be single = ski down cawk mountain

2) monkey branch to alpha - new D

The good news is that, men age like a fine wine and women age like bread and milk.

At midnight hotter girls are turning 18. #nextSet #micdrop

 

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Jager

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+1



There's a reason why dread game is Goat status. Its also why marriage is cuck.

Willingness to walk is OG.

Furthermore, even if LTR or dating, men need to be flexing their muscles. Open sets. Even if you won't cheat, you need to be seeding ones ability to.

LMR is gone when or you next her. 12hr shifts? Sounds like in a workplace prevalent with cucking.

Woman are predictable OP

She dumped you cause :

1) wants to be single = ski down cawk mountain

2) monkey branch to alpha - new D

The good news is that, men age like a fine wine and women age like bread and milk.

At midnight hotter girls are turning 18. #nextSet #micdrop

OP this is a mindset issue. @DEEZEDBRAH hit it right on the head. Her leaving really shouldn’t have been a problem to begin with.

Her - “I’m breaking up with you”

You - “By all means. The door is to your left.”

And you do so knowing full well that the breakup doesn’t really hurt you in any way.
 

Bougner

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OP this is a mindset issue. @DEEZEDBRAH hit it right on the head. Her leaving really shouldn’t have been a problem to begin with.

Her - “I’m breaking up with you”

You - “By all means. The door is to your left.”

And you do so knowing full well that the breakup doesn’t really hurt you in any way.
That's pretty much what I've been portraying since she left to her friends. It was the initial shock that knocked me on my ass. Not seeing it coming. I'm usually so good at reading people and situations.
 

mrgoodstuff

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That's pretty much what I've been portraying since she left to her friends. It was the initial shock that knocked me on my ass. Not seeing it coming. I'm usually so good at reading people and situations.
"Since she left to her friends"? What does that mean?
 

LARaiders85

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She needs the accountability of the trainer like an ex-alcoholic needs to his 12 step meetings. Either she does that or she dies from being a 450 lb land whale at the age of 40. It might just be in her mind, but to her it's worth it. That is money well spent.
They will even choose men based on that criteria imo, someone who will force them to improve themselves. Personally, that is not for me.
 

Jager

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That's pretty much what I've been portraying since she left to her friends. It was the initial shock that knocked me on my ass. Not seeing it coming. I'm usually so good at reading people and situations.
Why is that bothering you? Core concept I understand, but you’ve put a lot of thought and brainpower into this particular case. Is there a reasoning behind that? What’s your mindset about it?
 

Bougner

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Why is that bothering you? Core concept I understand, but you’ve put a lot of thought and brainpower into this particular case. Is there a reasoning behind that? What’s your mindset about it?
I honestly don't know. I haven't figured that part out yet. Like I've said, this is the first time I've been dumped so it's a little different this time around. I also don't like that I didn't see it coming. Losing control of the situation is definitely a part of it. With each passing day I seem to care less and less about it, so this will pass before I know it.
 

DEEZEDBRAH

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OP this is a mindset issue. @DEEZEDBRAH hit it right on the head. Her leaving really shouldn’t have been a problem to begin with.

Her - “I’m breaking up with you”

You - “By all means. The door is to your left.”

And you do so knowing full well that the breakup doesn’t really hurt you in any way.
+1

Abundance, options, spinning plates etc is GOAT STATUS. The reason all the OGs before us emphasise on having other women. I will take it one step forward.

I smashed a girl rotten on a week night. From the walk out of her bedroom of her apartment to the parking lot, i was hitting on more babes before i left.

I am not saying every man needs to go full retard on pickup. I am saying nearly every man is amateur hour with complacency. Even if no pull or digits, seed being that guy if she gets out of pocket.

That's pretty much what I've been portraying since she left to her friends. It was the initial shock that knocked me on my ass. Not seeing it coming. I'm usually so good at reading people and situations.
The red flag you missed was her unavailability. Her always having plans meaning her spinning plates and your at her beck and call.

When XYZ happens, you don't communicate. You begin your disappearing act like Houdini. You are out with the boys and getting more girls. LTR or not, spin plates. You aren't married which is phaggotry anyway. LTR means not your girl just your turn. Act as such.

I wont kick a man while he's down. Playboy, the best way to get over a girl is to get under a hotter one. #nextSet is the solution to all girl problems.
 

Jager

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I honestly don't know. I haven't figured that part out yet. Like I've said, this is the first time I've been dumped so it's a little different this time around. I also don't like that I didn't see it coming. Losing control of the situation is definitely a part of it. With each passing day I seem to care less and less about it, so this will pass before I know it.
You’re right, it will. I’ve seen this kind of outlook before. It’s rife with men of the modern age. What are your goals, man? What do you want out of life? Read my “I’m Going To Win” post, as it can be applied to goals, specifically the bottom statements. Focus every ounce of speed and intensity on your aspirations. If you look at posts made by myself, @Epic Days, @Spaz, @stormrider, and others, there’s a common theme, and I really like @stormrider take on it. Total, unrelenting pursuit of mastery on his goals.

This kind of mindset, based on my observations, is the most common missing part of a man’s life in the modern world. He wants to be something better, stronger, more intelligent. 90% of men will know that something is out of place. It just doesn’t feel right.

I don’t know what your state in life is on this topic, but the best thing you can do right now is pursue your ambitions with an unrelenting determination. Women are the bonus, a side dish, the dessert to being who you have chosen to be when you do this. She was never the focus. Ever. And somewhere, deep down, you already knew that. In fact, she doesn’t even play into how you’re going to live your life. She’s just along for the ride, man. Develop yourself, respect yourself, and you’ll soon find out that when you get value from yourself, you’ll no longer be looking to control situations like this. You simply won’t care, because it’s immaterial if she wants to be with you or not. There’s a thousand women hotter than she is downtown. Fvck it, have 5 or 6 women in your collection of plates.
 

Bougner

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I thought I'd provide a quick update on this case.

I found out this weekend that my ex did leave me and return to her ex boyfriend. Everything she said during our breakup was pretty much a cover for this as I suspected. Goes to show how emotionally unstable and weak she is to return to a guy that stuck her with so much debt to the point where she had to file for bankruptcy, and used and abused her. He has no full time employment and her friends hate him. It'll only be a matter of time until she's back to taking LOA's from work due to the same emotional distress he put her through before.
 
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sazc

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I thought I'd provide a quick update on this case.

I found out this weekend that my ex did leave me and return to her ex boyfriend. Everything she said during our breakup was pretty much a cover for this as I suspected. Goes to show how emotionally unstable and weak she is to return to a guy that stuck her with so much debt to the point where she had to file for bankruptcy, and used and abused her. He has no full time employment and her friends hate him. It'll only be a matter of time until she's back to taking LOA's from work due to the same emotional distress he put her through before.
The ex gives her emotional fluctuations she cant/didnt get from you. She is probably convinced he has changed OR she can change him/save him.

6 months from now you'll get a text from her, make sure you have moved on
 

Bougner

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The ex gives her emotional fluctuations she cant/didnt get from you. She is probably convinced he has changed OR she can change him/save him.

6 months from now you'll get a text from her, make sure you have moved on
I completely agree. They were on again off again for 18 months. It was so dysfunctional, but that's what she grew up with. He actually reminds me of her father so I wouldn't be surprised if she has a lot of daddy issues.

No chance I take her back. If she knows what's good for her she won't reach out to me again.
 

Bougner

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You got out unscathed...no kids, marriage, financial obligations. Consider yourself lucky my friend.
100% agree

A couple weeks later and I honestly don't really care. I'm glad I know why she bailed, and I'm somewhat relieved it's him she went back to. She'll get ****ed over again like she did every other time she was with him and she'll be right back where she was when I came along. I on the other hand will be and already am in a much better position in my life then I was when I first met her.

I didn't expect finding this out to feel like such a win.
 
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