Blindsided Breakup

Bougner

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Bro you went full beta. She broke up with you because you adapted yourself to her traits and lifestyle when it shoud be the other way around.

She made the plans

She set the tone

She asserted dominance in the relationship

She lost respect for you, that on top of not d1cking her down properly or regularly.

She was trying to let u down easy. She was over the relationship a longgg time ago


Women are great actresses they can act like they love u and do all this lovey dovey bs while taking backshots from random alphas off tinder or just guys shes fked before etc.

Never surrender yourself a woman or her wishes. You dont even drink dude then she comes along and you completely changed yourself for her. Thats weak and she sensed it and she led u the entire way even thru the breakup and u still cant realize why she left you?

Yoo exhibited nothing but weakness and submissive behavior. U were not a challenge at all and sexually u did not satisfy her. The writing was on the wall bro. U got blinded by being lovebombed and showered with gifts and meaningless crap like partying.


Not only that but u got rekt since she was a 300lb hambeast yikes bro.
[/Q
LOL thanks for the laugh Julian. I do agree with some of what you said.

I've come to find that women with insecurity issues, low self-esteem and self image issues are more into being treated the way you and others describe. I've dated other women with these types of problems and they're pretty consistent with just wanting to be treated like they're beneath you even if they don't realize it. They're use to not feeling good enough and seem to get satisfaction in the constant struggle of trying to be good enough. Unfortunately, this girl seems to fit in to this category and I'm simply not interested in women like that.

Also, considering this is the first time I've ever been dumped, I'm pretty confident that what I'm doing in relationships works, for the most part.

At no time did I compromise my values while I dated her either. I wanted to drink. I wanted to get drunk. Nobody made me and I did set boundaries even for that. I didn't drink everytime she did or everytime we went out. I did it when I wanted to, when I knew I would enjoy it the most, and told her not to expect this from me on a regular basis. She was cool with that for the most part, but was a little more insecure when I chose not to drink.

I also think I've portrayed myself here as incredibly weak and pathetic, and maybe that's because I'm in a moment of weakness and I do feel pathetic.

When she pushed me too far, did something I did not like or disapproved I told her. I didn't just take it.

There was one night she passed out wasted at her aunt's place and I had to work in the morning but she kept us out late. On top of that I got stuck shoveling snow off her car when I didn't even have a winter coat, and I had to drive her mom home because she was drunk too. (I didn't drink anything!) I was so pissed off. I told her the following day and threatened to never come out to these functions again if she continued to act that way. I debated just ending the relationship there but opted to discuss the problem with her to see if it could be resolved. She apologized and it never happened again.
 

Bougner

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This girl will come crawling back in a month, tops. Be ready. She will have gone out and banged several losers though so just know that. Pawn the watch, ignore her with all your soul.
I seriously hope not but it is a distinct possibility.

All of her previous relationships have been on, off, on, off.

Watch is long gone as well. Like I said, all lose ends I tied up after she was dragging her feet the couple days after the break.
 

bacchus

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I’ve been in your exact shoes, and I remember doing exactly as you did. I wanted answers, I needed to understand the why.

At the end of the day, the why doesn’t really matter, because there’s nothing you could have done to change the outcome. The most probable reason (99.9% likelihood) is that she met someone new, who she perceived (rightly or wrongly) to be higher value than you. Once she solidified him as a prospect, you became expendable. It’s not what you want to believe, but it’s really the only rational explanation for her abrupt change of heart. When a relationship is dying of natural causes and there is no other guy in the background, it’s usually pretty obvious and there is a palpable energy drain that you would have both felt in the weeks/months leading up to the end.

All the stuff she told you during your breakup talk is just her rationalizations, so she can convince herself after the fact that she made the right choice.

There is no teachable moment here for you my friend. You come across as a pretty thoughtful and level headed dude, and I can appreciate your desire to analyze what happened. But it’s really not worth your time.

Like the guys around here say, she was never yours. It was just your turn.
 

Man2Planet

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"Going along for the ride" won't cut it with chicks like that

Laying the law down would have been a better option

It's not as bad as dating abused women, but it's still tricky

One of my party sisters (all 9's btw) has settled now with an alpha

If she goes out drinking he gives her a curfew

Break that curfew and it's the silent treatment for days

It works

She hates going out now
He is no Alpha if he is laying the law down, giving her curfews, then giving her the silent treatment and sulking like a child if she breaks his rules.

If a man's girlfriend wants to f***k another man she will. As a man he has to give her the reason NOT to want to f***k another man. Telling women what they can and cannot do is not the right way. That is controlling and jealous behaviour. It is saying to the woman that the man does not trust her, he is needy and insecure of himself as a man.
 

Man2Planet

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OP, sorry to hear about what happened man. It is never easy. Just learn from this and move forward.

As some of the other posters have said, you let the blue pill mindset get the best of you and you lost your frame. It happens and has happened to all of us. Never enter into a woman's reality and succumb to your hormones and 'Disney' love. Build your own purpose in life so it is habit and never deviate from that, even if you think she is not like all the rest and makes you feel like the only man on the planet. All women are Hypergamous, remember that. Be pragmatic in how you approach love and know that if you are not the man she expects you to be she will punish you.
 

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samspade

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OP, like others said, the reasons don't really matter. If you're looking at yourself and seeing where you might have gone wrong, that's healthy. But don't let her off the hook as someone who made her own decision. There's a temptation to place all of the burden on ourselves, especially as red pill men. People can tell you, or you can tell yourself, that you went beta, weak, she lost respect, etc. Only you really know for sure how you modified your behavior, and only she really knows if she respected you or not. As for potential cheating, if someone is going to cheat there's nothing you can do about that. It's possible that you did everything right insofar as staying true to yourself, and she still wasn't feeling it. We can influence women but we can't control them. She's a whole other living breathing person, not an automaton. Based on your story, her explanation of not truly loving you sounds most plausible - but that explanation/rationalization can cover for a lot of things, and women are great politicians. But the bottom line is she can tell you anything, and you will never know the absolute truth, so you might as well be happy it ended peacefully and without kids in the picture as you said.
 

Mauser96

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Tough situation for sure. Only SHE knows the real reasons...……………….and honestly? I think you handled yourself well.

It is weird that she was so lovey dovey in the days before. Makes me suspect she is breaking up to see your reaction, and gain power. She wants to see if you crumble, and then she has you by the ballz. YES, there are twisted people that do that kind of thing. That is why she couldn't let you cut the breakup short, and just leave. Why she wanted to keep the convo going. Dragging her feet.




I think what happened here, is she revealed her true self.

I am with Robert 28, I bet within a month she is texting you. Plus, you said she has a history of on again off again with exes. This provides her the luxury of keeping you on the hook, while she decides.

You sound very level-headed, willing to accept responsibility, mature.

If I were you, I would never contact her again. She made her choice.

I had a situation where a girl I was seeing for two weeks suddenly broke it off with me because I subtly defended her ex-husband's rights to see his kids. She abruptly sent me a text that "she was bailing" and listed my defense of her ex as the reason. I responded "Wow, that came out of nowhere. Well, good luck with your school this fall, take care"

A week later I started dating someone else

Two weeks after her "bailing" text, maybe 3 weeks? She send a text that says "How is your sex life"?
Me: Pretty good, how is yours
Her: Horrible, I was hoping you would take pity on me"
Me: I would love to, but I am already seeing someone else.

That last line was maybe the happiest 11 words I have typed. Talk about satisfaction!! lol :)

I think you should accept SHE has some issues, be grateful you saw them when you did, and delete her number.

If she texts you down the road (Please let us know if she does) and says "hi, I was thinking about you today, blah, blah"
you can respond "Thanks for the text, but I am already seeing someone else." , whether it is true or not.

There is nothing in the world more satisfying than typing those words. There is nothing you could do, that would hurt her more, than that polite response.
 

Mauser96

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I thought we should sort through the BS on this . I will give opinions in bold




What’s your take on the behaviour of my recent ex?

She broke up with me last week after I failed to notice any warning signs of an impending breakup. From what I have read, there WERE no signs. You didn't fail.

The week prior was my birthday. She had her friends decorate and help prepare a party for me. Her present was a very expensive watch which she had engraved “love always.” She couldn’t wait to give it to me and filmed the entire thing to catch my reaction. A tremendous amount of effort and money spent one week prior. Doesn't sound like someone preparing for a breakup.

In the week after my birthday we were busy together with each other’s family almost daily. Dinners out, and I even took in her brother’s graduation. She made sure there was a ticket for me and I was included in all their family photos. She wouldn't include you in the grad and especially in photos that she will have forever if she was planning a REAL breakup. Something stinks here. We took a walk down by the water one night and posed in front of the sunset. A late night movie another night. Everything seemed normal. She even stocked our fridge and freezer with $150 worth of groceries on Friday, a mere 3 days before deciding to end things and move out. More proof of a "fake" breakup .

She worked nights that weekend so we didn’t see much of each other. The last time I saw her before she broke up with me was the Sunday. She came to cuddle in with me on the couch before work. On the Monday she had plans to go up north with her mom, step father and her aunt for a night at a cottage. It was on the Monday that she confided in her closest friends and parents that she was going to break up with me. So after spending a ton of effort and money, stocking the fridge, including you in a family function complete with photos that will hang on her family's wall for decades....she decides you two aren't a good fit? I don't buy it. I am more inclined to think it was designed to make you chase and propose

Tuesday when I got home she broke up with me. We talked for 3 hours before she finally left, without packing anything even though she had all day to do so. Because she doesn't expect to really leave. She expects you to chase her and bring her back. Before she left she said she was blown away at how well we were communicating. Dragging her feet, opening opportunities for you to beg/chase.I rambled on a lot during that conversation but any time I stopped and suggested she just leave as there was no point to my rambling due to the decision she made, she insisted on continuing with the conversation. Dragging her feet, opening opportunities for you to beg/chase.

I can accept when someone wants out of a relationship. I’ve been through plenty of break ups, yes they suck but I do understand them and why they happen. I don’t understand this one and I’m having a hard time making sense of her motivations. Things were very celebratory the week leading up to her breaking up with me and that's what I'm struggling with. I was built up so high over my birthday only to have everything crash down a week later. It's fake. It is to shock you into chasing/proposing

Reasons she gave me included we were too different, she never loved me at all, RIGHT.....that is why she spent all that time and money on your birthday, included you in family functions and photos.........….because "she never loved you at all" not comfortable with my family, not enough sex, incompatible parenting skills, she was worried she was forcing me to become someone I wasn’t, we had yet to argue, "We had yet to argue...….so....she is bored and trying to create some dram and shake things up. Is this the kind of life you want? To have chaos in your life because someone else is bored? and she wanted to make sure we broke up on good terms.

Let’s break down her reasons for leaving.

We were too different - we were raised differently. Her family struggles with money while mine does not. Her family is loud, the partying and drinking type, hence why they have no money mine is not. She is a party person, dance clubs, drinking on weekends. So a "party girl" I never did any of that until I got involved with her but I participated in everything and enjoyed myself. She scaled that back a bit though. Our differences didn’t bother me, they clearly made her feel insecure but she never indicated it.

She never loved me - there are far too many examples where she demonstrated how she felt about me in a variety of ways consistently. I think she's trying to convince herself of this to make the break up easier on her. Exactly. She is full of schitttt. Very common amongst women to lie to themselves. Removes responsibility.

Not comfortable with my family - true, although I didn’t know until she told me when she dumped me. She is use to everyone swearing, drinking, being loud. Sounds like her family is a real class act. She felt like she had to tame herself a bit around mine. I don’t see this as being a bad thing though. I acted differently with her family than I do with mine. That's pretty normal, all families are different. My parents really liked her and accepted her from the beginning.

Not enough sex - our work schedules made it a little challenging to find that time. She works 12 hour rotating shifts days and nights full time. I work straight evenings. When she worked nights she slept all day and went to the gym for a couple hours before work. When she worked days I was at work when she was off in the evening and she was almost always sleeping when I got home. On her days off she prioritized going to the gym for 2-3 hours late morning to early afternoon and almost always followed that up with errands or other things like tanning and getting her nails done. So, rather than use THAT time to have sex with you, she chose to do other things, and then blame lack of sex on YOU. This left time in the evening but she also complained we usually only had sex in the evening. Just no pleasing her, is there?She also worked part time at a clinic so her “days off” sometimes weren’t even days off because she was working her second job. She said she wanted it 5 times a day, in random places inside and out. That was impossible given our schedules. This screams mental instability

Incompatible parenting skills - neither of us have kids or know what it’s like to raise them. She voiced plenty that she wanted to have kids with me and we planned to start in the new year. We had discussed plans within the last few weeks. FINALLY! THE OTHER SHOE DROPS! HERE IS THE REASON FOR YOUR BREAKUP. IT WAS DONE TO FORCE YOUR HAND, GET YOU TO CHASE AND PROPOSE. I LOVE IT WHEN I AM RIGHT.

Forcing me to change - i’ve done things out of my comfort zone with her, but I did them because I wanted to. I never complained and always enjoyed myself. I was always open to new experiences and trying new things with her. She made me happy. That's all that mattered.

Never argued - the relationship wasn’t even a year old, I don't see anything wrong with not having any big blow outs at the beginning of a relationship. Who wants that conflict when you’re just starting out anyway? No one. Women sometimes start drama when bored.

Making sure we break up on good terms - who cares if we break up on bad terms or good terms. A break up sucks regardless. Why did it have to be a break up in the first place? All of these concerns are easily fixable if given the opportunity to address them. Because how else to get you to chase and propose? And by it being "on good terms" it ensures you know the opportunity is still there for you to chase and propose to this "gem"

I’ve spoken to her friends and family since and everyone is confused at the rapid turn of events, especially so soon after my birthday and her brother’s graduation. The reasons she gave me were the same she told her friends, and even they tried to convince her to speak with me before making any rash decisions as they felt she was throwing away something good without even attempting to work through what was bothering her. Simply put, you dodged a lifetime of misery.

I've gone NC with her as of this past weekend. I felt she was dragging out tying up some loose threads Of course.........trying to keep you on the hook and I just needed her to disappear from my life so I could start the healing process. Her best friend does work for me though. She pushed me to hire her just a few weeks back so now I'm stuck with that. She's been pretty supportive though, engaging with me, cracking jokes, seeking me out at the workplace, etc. She even offered to throw away her friend's mail that I had to give her so clearly she isn't impressed either. I've avoided discussing anything with her though. Do NOT confide in this woman. If anything, use her for disinformation. Feel free to tell her in a couple weeks about the new woman you started dating and how great she is. Expect your ex to contact you shortly afterwards, as word filters back to the ex.

What gives with this one?

Fake breakup designed to force a proposal.
 

Augustus_McCrae

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I do accept this is over. Believe me, I'm glad this happened now and not down the road when larger purchases have been made or kids have come along. It was clearly going to happen regardless.

I've always been the type of person that tries to make sense when something fails. I apply this to all aspects of my life, including relationships. I want to learn from it and grow so I don't make similar mistakes down the road. I'm trying to learn why things shifted so suddenly and why I was blindsided because of it. I've been in plenty of relationships in my life ranging from one night stands to several long term relationships. This has been the only time where I've been completely caught off guard so I want to understand and learn from it.

My point with the reasons was the majority of them seemed very forced, made up or greatly exaggerated. I know there isn't any way to explain or prove support that but when you have her inner circle of friends, and even her own family members sympathizing with the ex over her and offering support it's a little telling is it not?

I'm torn between thinking she ended things because there was someone else she wanted to pursue (or already had), and her just being incredibly insecure with herself and she just ran.

The events that played out suggest the latter. Her decision came very suddenly, literally overnight, and it surprised everyone in her life, and her actions leading up weren't of someone who was out banging someone else. When she's insecure she tends to make rash decisions out of panic. ****, I've even done the same in the past. We all have I'm sure.

She's also impulsive and admitted as such. She'll sometimes act before she thinks and in most cases it rarely makes sense. There was one night I came home from work shortly after 11pm and she had gone out and bought bags of cleaning supplies and groceries, and decided at 10pm when she got home that she would clean our entire place, while also cook a late night dinner for us and do laundry. It was crazy, but she felt like doing it so she got started. Obviously it all didn't get done, but it's a simple example of how impulsive she can be and do things that make no sense to other people.

When she's not the center of attention she tends to get jealous, insecure and sometimes breaks down. Her one friend confided in me recently that my ex had a small breakdown back in April because she felt I wasn't paying enough attention to her at her mother's birthday party. Everyone was drunk, me especially. My ex chalked this up as evidence that she never loved me, but the friend that was with her, while she was drunk and going through it, said it was because she overreacted to me not noticing her while I was acting drunk and stupid with some of the other guys present.

The entire week leading up to her dumping me she was not the center of attention. It was all about me (my birthday weekend and several birthday dinners with family) or her brother (his graduation). This would have contributed to some insecurity for sure, especially the multiple dinners with my family.

You have the insecurity from my birthday weekend in regards to the lack of sex when the other couple bragged about all they were having while on vacation and kid free. She almost quoted them exactly during our break up so clearly she felt insecure about that.

The insecurity during my one family dinner when my mother kept shushing my brother when he swore, and when my brother made comments about how I never use to drink and get drunk before she came along.

I also stopped initiating texting starting the Saturday night because I picked up on some grumpiness, called her out on it and thought maybe she just needed some space after all the busyness of the week. That carried through to Sunday and in to Monday and also would have made her feel insecure.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is every reason she gave me aside from "I never loved you", each one was brought up to some degree by other people during the week prior. Is that just a coincidence? Our differences, lack of sex, forcing me to change, her grumpiness, worrying about our relationship getting worse down the road, being insecure around my family, and even the parenting skills, all of those were in the spotlight at some point.

To further how insecure she is, she use to weigh 300 pounds but had lost 135 of that so far through vigorous exercising at her gym and bariatric surgery. She continues to have a real genuine fear of gaining all the weight back. She is so insecure about her body that she plans to have her breasts done and her stomach done, yet has no way to even finance the surgery because she has zero credit. She also continues to buy lessons with her personal trainer, and I'm positive she does this just to remain the center of attention at the gym. She kills it at the gym, she knows what she's doing, she knows how to lift properly. There's no need to continue paying someone hundreds and even thousands of dollars to help with exercises when you've proven you can do them just fine on your own.
Dude, she is a fvcking train wreck. She did you a favor by breaking it off.

Seriously, you didn’t see the numerous red flags with her?

You will thank your lucky stars in the future that you are no longer with her.

-Augustus-
 

bacchus

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I thought we should sort through the BS on this . I will give opinions in bold




What’s your take on the behaviour of my recent ex?

She broke up with me last week after I failed to notice any warning signs of an impending breakup. From what I have read, there WERE no signs. You didn't fail.

The week prior was my birthday. She had her friends decorate and help prepare a party for me. Her present was a very expensive watch which she had engraved “love always.” She couldn’t wait to give it to me and filmed the entire thing to catch my reaction. A tremendous amount of effort and money spent one week prior. Doesn't sound like someone preparing for a breakup.

In the week after my birthday we were busy together with each other’s family almost daily. Dinners out, and I even took in her brother’s graduation. She made sure there was a ticket for me and I was included in all their family photos. She wouldn't include you in the grad and especially in photos that she will have forever if she was planning a REAL breakup. Something stinks here. We took a walk down by the water one night and posed in front of the sunset. A late night movie another night. Everything seemed normal. She even stocked our fridge and freezer with $150 worth of groceries on Friday, a mere 3 days before deciding to end things and move out. More proof of a "fake" breakup .

She worked nights that weekend so we didn’t see much of each other. The last time I saw her before she broke up with me was the Sunday. She came to cuddle in with me on the couch before work. On the Monday she had plans to go up north with her mom, step father and her aunt for a night at a cottage. It was on the Monday that she confided in her closest friends and parents that she was going to break up with me. So after spending a ton of effort and money, stocking the fridge, including you in a family function complete with photos that will hang on her family's wall for decades....she decides you two aren't a good fit? I don't buy it. I am more inclined to think it was designed to make you chase and propose

Tuesday when I got home she broke up with me. We talked for 3 hours before she finally left, without packing anything even though she had all day to do so. Because she doesn't expect to really leave. She expects you to chase her and bring her back. Before she left she said she was blown away at how well we were communicating. Dragging her feet, opening opportunities for you to beg/chase.I rambled on a lot during that conversation but any time I stopped and suggested she just leave as there was no point to my rambling due to the decision she made, she insisted on continuing with the conversation. Dragging her feet, opening opportunities for you to beg/chase.

I can accept when someone wants out of a relationship. I’ve been through plenty of break ups, yes they suck but I do understand them and why they happen. I don’t understand this one and I’m having a hard time making sense of her motivations. Things were very celebratory the week leading up to her breaking up with me and that's what I'm struggling with. I was built up so high over my birthday only to have everything crash down a week later. It's fake. It is to shock you into chasing/proposing

Reasons she gave me included we were too different, she never loved me at all, RIGHT.....that is why she spent all that time and money on your birthday, included you in family functions and photos.........….because "she never loved you at all" not comfortable with my family, not enough sex, incompatible parenting skills, she was worried she was forcing me to become someone I wasn’t, we had yet to argue, "We had yet to argue...….so....she is bored and trying to create some dram and shake things up. Is this the kind of life you want? To have chaos in your life because someone else is bored? and she wanted to make sure we broke up on good terms.

Let’s break down her reasons for leaving.

We were too different - we were raised differently. Her family struggles with money while mine does not. Her family is loud, the partying and drinking type, hence why they have no money mine is not. She is a party person, dance clubs, drinking on weekends. So a "party girl" I never did any of that until I got involved with her but I participated in everything and enjoyed myself. She scaled that back a bit though. Our differences didn’t bother me, they clearly made her feel insecure but she never indicated it.

She never loved me - there are far too many examples where she demonstrated how she felt about me in a variety of ways consistently. I think she's trying to convince herself of this to make the break up easier on her. Exactly. She is full of schitttt. Very common amongst women to lie to themselves. Removes responsibility.

Not comfortable with my family - true, although I didn’t know until she told me when she dumped me. She is use to everyone swearing, drinking, being loud. Sounds like her family is a real class act. She felt like she had to tame herself a bit around mine. I don’t see this as being a bad thing though. I acted differently with her family than I do with mine. That's pretty normal, all families are different. My parents really liked her and accepted her from the beginning.

Not enough sex - our work schedules made it a little challenging to find that time. She works 12 hour rotating shifts days and nights full time. I work straight evenings. When she worked nights she slept all day and went to the gym for a couple hours before work. When she worked days I was at work when she was off in the evening and she was almost always sleeping when I got home. On her days off she prioritized going to the gym for 2-3 hours late morning to early afternoon and almost always followed that up with errands or other things like tanning and getting her nails done. So, rather than use THAT time to have sex with you, she chose to do other things, and then blame lack of sex on YOU. This left time in the evening but she also complained we usually only had sex in the evening. Just no pleasing her, is there?She also worked part time at a clinic so her “days off” sometimes weren’t even days off because she was working her second job. She said she wanted it 5 times a day, in random places inside and out. That was impossible given our schedules. This screams mental instability

Incompatible parenting skills - neither of us have kids or know what it’s like to raise them. She voiced plenty that she wanted to have kids with me and we planned to start in the new year. We had discussed plans within the last few weeks. FINALLY! THE OTHER SHOE DROPS! HERE IS THE REASON FOR YOUR BREAKUP. IT WAS DONE TO FORCE YOUR HAND, GET YOU TO CHASE AND PROPOSE. I LOVE IT WHEN I AM RIGHT.

Forcing me to change - i’ve done things out of my comfort zone with her, but I did them because I wanted to. I never complained and always enjoyed myself. I was always open to new experiences and trying new things with her. She made me happy. That's all that mattered.

Never argued - the relationship wasn’t even a year old, I don't see anything wrong with not having any big blow outs at the beginning of a relationship. Who wants that conflict when you’re just starting out anyway? No one. Women sometimes start drama when bored.

Making sure we break up on good terms - who cares if we break up on bad terms or good terms. A break up sucks regardless. Why did it have to be a break up in the first place? All of these concerns are easily fixable if given the opportunity to address them. Because how else to get you to chase and propose? And by it being "on good terms" it ensures you know the opportunity is still there for you to chase and propose to this "gem"

I’ve spoken to her friends and family since and everyone is confused at the rapid turn of events, especially so soon after my birthday and her brother’s graduation. The reasons she gave me were the same she told her friends, and even they tried to convince her to speak with me before making any rash decisions as they felt she was throwing away something good without even attempting to work through what was bothering her. Simply put, you dodged a lifetime of misery.

I've gone NC with her as of this past weekend. I felt she was dragging out tying up some loose threads Of course.........trying to keep you on the hook and I just needed her to disappear from my life so I could start the healing process. Her best friend does work for me though. She pushed me to hire her just a few weeks back so now I'm stuck with that. She's been pretty supportive though, engaging with me, cracking jokes, seeking me out at the workplace, etc. She even offered to throw away her friend's mail that I had to give her so clearly she isn't impressed either. I've avoided discussing anything with her though. Do NOT confide in this woman. If anything, use her for disinformation. Feel free to tell her in a couple weeks about the new woman you started dating and how great she is. Expect your ex to contact you shortly afterwards, as word filters back to the ex.

What gives with this one?

Fake breakup designed to force a proposal.


This was entertaining as fvck to read, but I think you’re reaching lol. I don’t believe this was all part of a grand plan to get a proposal.
 

Epic Days

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Her pair bonded “Alpha” that widowed her wanted her back.
The communication act was to try to lessen the blow and pull the “friends” route.
 

Medina

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He is no Alpha if he is laying the law down, giving her curfews, then giving her the silent treatment and sulking like a child if she breaks his rules.

If a man's girlfriend wants to f***k another man she will. As a man he has to give her the reason NOT to want to f***k another man. Telling women what they can and cannot do is not the right way. That is controlling and jealous behaviour. It is saying to the woman that the man does not trust her, he is needy and insecure of himself as a man.
I am aware of the general consesus of "alpha" on this forum

But I cant be swayed from what i see in the real world

Being a controlling manipulative ashole works. They keep the 9s and the 10s, you dont

You let them walk, you let then do what they like, cos after all, thats "alpha"

You have to draw boundaries and show a backbone at some point dude, and punishment isnt a bad thing either

At the end of the day, they respond to it. Some of them may even like it
 

Bougner

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Thanks to everyone for their replies and opinions. It has been helpful and it has allowed me to filter through everything and try to gain some understanding as to what happened.

I do not believe she did this hoping to force a proposal. It's possible she did it hoping I would pursue her or fight for her, but that's it and I even doubt that. She did tell her family and friends before she told me. If she wasn't serious about ending this I doubt she would have told everyone else close to her.

Writing all this out has jogged my memory a bit. All of the family events and big happy moments came to an end after Thursday. That night after dinner we walked to a nearby movie theatre and took in a show. This was truly the last time things felt fine.

Friday we did our own thing. She went back to the gym for the first time in a few days and she went out and spent $150 on groceries. In the evening she was grumpy. I called her out on it which seemed to surprise her and she apologized. We chatted at various points throughout the night before I went to bed. Aside from her grumpiness nothing seemed too out of place.

Saturday I went out to give her some peace and quiet to sleep after a long night shift. When I returned early evening she had been up for the majority of the day because she couldn't sleep. She didn't elaborate why and I didn't think anything of it at the time, she did have a habit of getting up early even after working a night shift. She did insist we go out before her shift so I could get a swimsuit for the following weekend - we were going to the beach with her family. She also commented that she wished we could have gone up to the cottage for the weekend instead of working. She continued to be grumpy and was even a little condescending. We didn't talk at all that night while she was at work. A first for us.

Sunday I was out all day with my Dad. When I got home from work there wasn't much time before her shift started but she did come and cuddle with me on the couch. She initiated that. She did text me once later that evening but it was more of a jab then anything pleasant.

Monday we talked briefly in the morning after she arrived at the cottage with her mom. All I can say is it felt different. We didn't talk again until Tuesday when she sent me a good morning text. We talked for a bit that day but I by then my alarm bells were off the hook. I knew something was up and I sensed she was going to break up with me.

It seems pretty clear to me now that something happened on the Friday that convinced her, at the very least, to seriously consider ending the relationship. Prior to Friday she still acted completely invested in the relationship and displayed no abnormal behaviour.

I'm guessing, as some of you have already theorized, that she did indeed find someone else that she wants to pursue and that individual goes to the same gym she does. I don't believe she ever cheated on me, but she would have if she didn't just end the relationship when she did.

The other option, and I'm leaning more towards this as being the most likely, is she confided or has been confiding in someone at the gym for some time and through this she came to the conclusion that she wanted out of the relationship. This is highly possible. She is very close with the owner of the gym, who also happens to be her personal trainer, and his wife, who also works at the gym on a part time basis. I also know she did talk to them about me. Her wife is also in real estate and was going to help us find a house at an affordable price when that time came.

Friday was the last time she was at the gym and she did say she took the entire weekend to think and figure out if she wanted to remain in the relationship. Friday was when her mood shifted. Friday was when she started to withdraw.

One can explain away her cuddling on Sunday, her insistence on ensuring I have a bathing suit for the following weekend, and for buying all those groceries as someone who is torn between staying in the relationship or ending it. It would also help explain why she did not confide in her friends or family until she had already made up her mind. I was close with her friends, and her family really liked me. She would have known any attempt to talk to them about what she was feeling would have been met with confusion and disapproval.

It's unfortunate she chose not to confide in me because I firmly believe if she had discussed what was bothering her we would have been able to address it and resolve the problem. She instead chose not to which ultimately doomed the relationship. I am also fully aware of what part I played. Relationships working or not rest on both parties involved. All I can do now is learn from this and not make similar mistakes in the future.
 

speed dawg

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No doubt she cheated, or will soon cheat. Girls don't leave relationships without something else lined up. Yes, you probably WERE boring to her, but again, she would have stayed had she not found someone of higher value in her chick mind.

Stop worrying about all this confiding crap, it's nothing but excuses. You need to read the DJ Bible. You posts reek of AFC. But that's OK, that's why we are here.
 

LARaiders85

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The really skilled cheating personality types are like this, some of them show almost zero signs anything is wrong.

I agree with the others that this is just one of those situations where she was in a good situation but she had greener grass syndrome or **** carousel syndrome
 
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samspade

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OP, I understand how typing stuff out can help you sort things mentally. I do that too. However it only does so much. Maybe as an exercise in therapy it's useful. But as an exercise in detective work it's futile. You'll never pinpoint the exact moment when things turned. And really the only important information is that she doesn't want to be with you anymore. She gave you that information face to face, so I'll give her that. The sad fact is that a lot of women don't even have the courage to do that, and so they cheat and/or direct their anger toward their man until things decay. Maybe she prevaricated on her reasons, maybe she cheated, who knows. Take what you can learn from it and turn your focus on you for now. Definitely don't let her come sniffing around again. And let discretion be the better part of valor around her friend at your job.

You're 36, that's a great place to be for a man. Start studying the material around here and elsewhere and know thyself.
 

In2theGame

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I understand what you're feeling and trying to make sense of but you wont really know until later down the line. It happened to me except my relationship was supposedly very serious to the point that she was talking about marriage to both my family and hers. After 5 years together, One day she did a complete 180 and started acting irrational. I didn't see it coming and I was just like you trying to figure out answers and I eventually started digging around and found some cold answers. She fvcked someone else and 2 - 3 months later was engaged and preparing to marry another guy right after she broke up with me. Just like that everything changed.

I scrambled to figure out why, how, when, where.... All the if's and but's and in the end,... it didnt matter. she left to marry another guy and left me all fvcked up emotionally which is why I ended up staying single for about 10 years. Looking back, as crazy as this sounds because I would absolutely not believe it back then when I was going through it,... It was a blessing in disguise and I got to experience a TON of different Women over the years plus i learned how to create my own business and get in top physical shape.

Now I have a girl that i finally made my girlfriend recently and well.... Seems like shes a better fit for me than my ex could of ever been. Life lessons like this can be brutal but im willing to bet that you too in the long run will look back at this girl and realize she was not the chick for you. The way you describe her wishy washy behavior is very similar to how my ex was acting when she wanted to breakup and im telling you right now, shes totally full of sh*t because she did or possibly cheated on you and thats the reason for her wacked out moods.
 
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Kotaix

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Reasons she gave me included we were too different, she never loved me at all, not comfortable with my family, not enough sex, incompatible parenting skills, she was worried she was forcing me to become someone I wasn’t, we had yet to argue, and she wanted to make sure we broke up on good terms.
This tells me most of what I need to know. Of all the excuses she's made, and from what you've said. This one seems to actually hold water. You need to learn to be your own mental point of origin and learn to lead in a relationship. She was likely unimpressed that you never suggested things to do, among other things. How quickly she broke up with you tells me she has a guy on the side that was hitting on her and is more alpha than you are, which is to say: Not at all. You said she was initiating every activity you guys did, dead ringer right there.

There's no need to continue paying someone hundreds and even thousands of dollars to help with exercises when you've proven you can do them just fine on your own.
She needs the accountability of the trainer like an ex-alcoholic needs to his 12 step meetings. Either she does that or she dies from being a 450 lb land whale at the age of 40. It might just be in her mind, but to her it's worth it. That is money well spent.

I know where you're coming from, I've been there. Work on you and make your own plans in life before you jump into a new relationship.

Read 'No More Mr Nice Guy'. you really need to learn to put yourself first.

Edit: I can almost guarantee she ****ed another guy and that's the real reason she jumped ship.
 

Bougner

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I understand what you're feeling and trying to make sense of but you wont really know until later down the line. It happened to me except my relationship was supposedly very serious to the point that she was talking about marriage to both my family and hers. After 5 years together, One day she did a complete 180 and started acting irrational. I didn't see it coming and I was just like you trying to figure out answers and I eventually started digging around and found some cold answers. She fvcked someone else and 2 - 3 months later was engaged and preparing to marry another guy right after she broke up with me. Just like that everything changed.

I scrambled to figure out why, how, when, where.... All the if's and but's and in the end,... it didnt matter. she left to marry another guy and left me all fvcked up emotionally which is why I ended up staying single for about 10 years. Looking back, as crazy as this sounds because I would absolutely not believe it back then when I was going through it,... It was a blessing in disguise and I got to experience a TON of different Women over the years plus i learned how to create my own business and get in top physical shape.

Now I have a girl that i finally made my girlfriend recently and well.... Seems like shes a better fit for me than my ex could of ever been. Life lessons like this can be brutal but im willing to bet that you too in the long run will look back at this girl and realize she was not the chick for you. The way you describe her wishy washy behavior is very similar to how my ex was acting when she wanted to breakup and im telling you right now, shes totally full of sh*t because she did or possibly cheated on you and thats the reason for her wacked out moods.
Sorry to hear that **** happened to you, but it is good to hear there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I've already come to the realization that she wasn't the one for me. I'm genuinely relieved this happened now and not later down the road when things get even deeper and more complex.

You also wouldn't believe the amount of money I'm saving because of this, and I've dropped some weight through switching up my eating habits and hitting the gym morning and night. I feel stronger and more fit then I ever recall, so I'm definitely focusing my attention on me and it's paying off.

I also take comfort in the fact that she has chosen to discard someone who is stable in their life - emotionally, mentally and financially, while she is not, which is why she has always lived at home with her parents. Plus the fact her friends and family have been irked by this. It's not much, I realize that, but it's good to know how much I was liked and appreciated by people closest to her.

This girl is a ghost, plain and simple. She may continue to haunt me for now but that will eventually pass. I do not hold on to any hope of her returning one day, nor would I welcome it.

Her best friend, I'd like to fire, but can't. I put some boundaries in place with her yesterday after she continued to ask for favors around scheduling and leaving early. She may have been privy to perks before, but no more.
 

Mauser96

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This was entertaining as fvck to read, but I think you’re reaching lol. I don’t believe this was all part of a grand plan to get a proposal.

You know why I wrote it? Why I think it is a likely scenario?

Because a very, very similar thing HAPPENED to me.


In my case, it was an ultimatum that I move from my town to her city, we get a place together...…………...or she didn't see a future for us. I told her that wasn't happening, so I guess we were done. The look on her face as her jaw hit the floor? She spent 5 minutes crying - the ultimatum had backfired, big time. Asked me to stay over - slept in the same bed and never touched her, within 20 seconds she was all over me, tearing my clothes off. Trying to salvage the situation. The next morning we talked about it calmly and ended things. Three weeks later, I am dating a new girl and guess who texts me out of the blue? YEP, the one who "couldn't see me any more, because I wouldn't move"

Onto OP's case


OP and her had been discussing children, seriously. And then she goes gushy over him for two weeks...but he doesn't move forward and plant the seed in the womb / buy the ring...so then she hits him with a "breakup" but:

Spends 3 hours doing it, despite him saying over and over, "I get it and agree, please leave" - she won't leave. She is waiting for him to beg/propose, etc.


Just blew Hundreds on a watch with "love always" on the back for him

Just bought $150 of groceries for his place the day before. FWIW, women don't spend hundreds of dollars on a man the week before they are planning to break up. She never ever expected to really leave.


She had 24 hours to pack her stuff and move it out - yet had not packed a thing....because she wasn't really expecting to have to leave

I could go on and on, but I won't bother. It is as plain as the nose on your face.


OP - get her stuff out of your house ASAP, cut all contact and rush the whole cutting ties process. .

Then post back here in three weeks after she texts you saying "I think I made a mistake"
 
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