As a mid 30s guy in STEM, having a lot of difficulty finding a lifetime partner

[NiHaoMike]

I've been trying to find a lifetime partner for about 2 years now, I'm not having much luck. I read online that pretty much all the dating apps aren't very good, tried several different ones but OKCupid seems to be the least bad. Managed to get a few friendships out of that but not much more.

The partner I'm looking for:
* Must not have any condition that prevents birthing children, as that's the main long term objective. I assume that also sets an upper age limit of 38 or so, as my understanding is that at around age 40, the odds of successfully birthing a child start sharply decreasing. And obviously cis females only, as (so far) trans females are incapable of birthing children.
* No interest in adopting children, so that precludes women already with children. I plan to have 1 or 2 children of my own, I expect taking care of them to be a lot of work. More than that would be too much.
* No smoking, can't stand the smell or the health problems that result from it. (Those who used to smoke but have quit are OK, but not ideal.) Similarly, excessive alcohol consumption would also not be good, and drug abuse even more of a no go.
* Must be OK with my electronics hobby, as that's my way of continuing professional development. (Those who read in electronics groups about guys who have to deal with a wife not accepting their hobby would understand.) Ideally, she should work with me on that, but I would also be OK if she just wants to play video games or whatever while I work on my stuff.
* Must be at least somewhat into healthy living. More on that later.

I would be OK with either getting married or just being a couple living together but not legally married, would have to look into the pros/cons of either option when it comes time to it.

About myself:
* 36, cis male, Chinese but grew up in US from early age, 5'5" 180 lbs. Currently in Austin, TX.
* I'm very scientifically and technologically oriented. Most of what I read and watch have to do with science and technology.
* I studied electrical engineering in college, but work in software engineering nowadays.
* Aside from the electronics hobby I mentioned earlier, I'm also into DIY projects in general. Also like to play video games but more on a casual level.
* Spent most of my 20s improving my technical knowledge, I became quite good with engineering. And then the pandemic came, extending that self learning time.
* Have a lot of interest in environmentalism, actually quite a few of my projects are related to that.
* I follow an "organic flexitarian" diet. Would be willing to convert to vegetarian/vegan if that's what my partner wants. I don't drink alcohol or sweetened sodas, my favorite drink (apart from cold water) is unsweetened soda such as La Croix.
* I don't really have a favorite sport to play, unless casual weightlifting is one. 50-60 lbs is about the limit of what I can easily lift and carry which suffices for most situations of working on machines. More than that and some form of lifting aid is highly recommended or even required by workplace rules. I also highly prefer taking the stairs instead of the elevator.
* I'm still a virgin, but have been in a relationship before. I was asked out by a girl in freshman physics class, that went on for 2 years and failed for a number of reasons, but the way she got drunk all the time was a big one. Still a virgin since she didn't believe in sex before marriage.

I read some advice to not focus so much on the dating apps and try to look for girls in the real world, but where? It seems like I'm looking for a "nerdy" girl and they would stay at home a lot of the time just like I do.

 

[Plinco]

The standard advice is to first know thyself and live accordingly and be the best version of yourself in every area. You're a smart guy, so I assume that you already face in that direction.

Have you gotten your testosterone levels checked lately? I'm willing to bet that you have lower than average testosterone.

Also, how often do you go out and socialize?

 

[Gamisch]

Your job has nothing to do with it. Matter a fact, I think I wouldn't even mention it right away when being on a date. Just keep.it superficial and say something like" an office job".

Realise you will need to VOLUME DATE . That means you'll have to date approx 100 women to maybe find 3 good ones.

So I kinda agree with the post above this one. You better be social and out there . But the most important thing might be you need to be brutally honest about your status as a DESIRABLE candidate to date. Do you want an 21 year old hb8? Or are you happy with a 45 year old fat woman with 4 kids from 5 different fathers?

 

[MatureDJ]

I've been trying to find a lifetime partner for about 2 years now, I'm not having much luck. I read online that pretty much all the dating apps aren't very good, tried several different ones but OKCupid seems to be the least bad. Managed to get a few friendships out of that but not much more.

The partner I'm looking for:
* Must not have any condition that prevents birthing children, as that's the main long term objective. I assume that also sets an upper age limit of 38 or so, as my understanding is that at around age 40, the odds of successfully birthing a child start sharply decreasing. And obviously cis females only, as (so far) trans females are incapable of birthing children.
* No interest in adopting children, so that precludes women already with children. I plan to have 1 or 2 children of my own, I expect taking care of them to be a lot of work. More than that would be too much.
* No smoking, can't stand the smell or the health problems that result from it. (Those who used to smoke but have quit are OK, but not ideal.) Similarly, excessive alcohol consumption would also not be good, and drug abuse even more of a no go.
* Must be OK with my electronics hobby, as that's my way of continuing professional development. (Those who read in electronics groups about guys who have to deal with a wife not accepting their hobby would understand.) Ideally, she should work with me on that, but I would also be OK if she just wants to play video games or whatever while I work on my stuff.
* Must be at least somewhat into healthy living. More on that later.

I would be OK with either getting married or just being a couple living together but not legally married, would have to look into the pros/cons of either option when it comes time to it.

About myself:
* 36, cis male, Chinese but grew up in US from early age, 5'5" 180 lbs. Currently in Austin, TX.
* I'm very scientifically and technologically oriented. Most of what I read and watch have to do with science and technology.
* I studied electrical engineering in college, but work in software engineering nowadays.
* Aside from the electronics hobby I mentioned earlier, I'm also into DIY projects in general. Also like to play video games but more on a casual level.
* Spent most of my 20s improving my technical knowledge, I became quite good with engineering. And then the pandemic came, extending that self learning time.
* Have a lot of interest in environmentalism, actually quite a few of my projects are related to that.
* I follow an "organic flexitarian" diet. Would be willing to convert to vegetarian/vegan if that's what my partner wants. I don't drink alcohol or sweetened sodas, my favorite drink (apart from cold water) is unsweetened soda such as La Croix.
* I don't really have a favorite sport to play, unless casual weightlifting is one. 50-60 lbs is about the limit of what I can easily lift and carry which suffices for most situations of working on machines. More than that and some form of lifting aid is highly recommended or even required by workplace rules. I also highly prefer taking the stairs instead of the elevator.
* I'm still a virgin, but have been in a relationship before. I was asked out by a girl in freshman physics class, that went on for 2 years and failed for a number of reasons, but the way she got drunk all the time was a big one. Still a virgin since she didn't believe in sex before marriage.

I read some advice to not focus so much on the dating apps and try to look for girls in the real world, but where? It seems like I'm looking for a "nerdy" girl and they would stay at home a lot of the time just like I do.

Your checklist is proper - the fact that there are so few women who meet that criteria is an indictment on the current dystopic social scene.

Your height is your biggest killer.

 

[ThisIsSparta]

I've been trying to find a lifetime partner for about 2 years now, I'm not having much luck. I read online that pretty much all the dating apps aren't very good, tried several different ones but OKCupid seems to be the least bad. Managed to get a few friendships out of that but not much more.

The partner I'm looking for:
* Must not have any condition that prevents birthing children, as that's the main long term objective. I assume that also sets an upper age limit of 38 or so, as my understanding is that at around age 40, the odds of successfully birthing a child start sharply decreasing. And obviously cis females only, as (so far) trans females are incapable of birthing children.
* No interest in adopting children, so that precludes women already with children. I plan to have 1 or 2 children of my own, I expect taking care of them to be a lot of work. More than that would be too much.
* No smoking, can't stand the smell or the health problems that result from it. (Those who used to smoke but have quit are OK, but not ideal.) Similarly, excessive alcohol consumption would also not be good, and drug abuse even more of a no go.
* Must be OK with my electronics hobby, as that's my way of continuing professional development. (Those who read in electronics groups about guys who have to deal with a wife not accepting their hobby would understand.) Ideally, she should work with me on that, but I would also be OK if she just wants to play video games or whatever while I work on my stuff.
* Must be at least somewhat into healthy living. More on that later.

I would be OK with either getting married or just being a couple living together but not legally married, would have to look into the pros/cons of either option when it comes time to it.

About myself:
* 36, cis male, Chinese but grew up in US from early age, 5'5" 180 lbs. Currently in Austin, TX.
* I'm very scientifically and technologically oriented. Most of what I read and watch have to do with science and technology.
* I studied electrical engineering in college, but work in software engineering nowadays.
* Aside from the electronics hobby I mentioned earlier, I'm also into DIY projects in general. Also like to play video games but more on a casual level.
* Spent most of my 20s improving my technical knowledge, I became quite good with engineering. And then the pandemic came, extending that self learning time.
* Have a lot of interest in environmentalism, actually quite a few of my projects are related to that.
* I follow an "organic flexitarian" diet. Would be willing to convert to vegetarian/vegan if that's what my partner wants. I don't drink alcohol or sweetened sodas, my favorite drink (apart from cold water) is unsweetened soda such as La Croix.
* I don't really have a favorite sport to play, unless casual weightlifting is one. 50-60 lbs is about the limit of what I can easily lift and carry which suffices for most situations of working on machines. More than that and some form of lifting aid is highly recommended or even required by workplace rules. I also highly prefer taking the stairs instead of the elevator.
* I'm still a virgin, but have been in a relationship before. I was asked out by a girl in freshman physics class, that went on for 2 years and failed for a number of reasons, but the way she got drunk all the time was a big one. Still a virgin since she didn't believe in sex before marriage.

I read some advice to not focus so much on the dating apps and try to look for girls in the real world, but where? It seems like I'm looking for a "nerdy" girl and they would stay at home a lot of the time just like I do.

"but the way she got drunk all the time was a big one. Still a virgin since she didn't believe in sex before marriage."
You should have told her you dont believe in getting drunk before marriage.


There is A LOT of detail in your "plans"...... but as Mike Tyson said, "everyone has a plan until he gets punched in the face".

For example you, think about changing your diet for a woman. Her diet should be somewhere on rank 67 in the top 100 of most important things in a relationship for a man.
The same thing goes for you being okay with her playing video games or whatever when you do your thing/hobbies. Again you are putting to much thought into something rather irrelevant for a relationship.
Also, that you think ex-smokers are not "ideal" .....WAY TO MUCH DETAIL, if she quit a year ago, she is fine. Or do you ask her for how long she has been fat or how many vax shots she had in the last 5 years? You never get anywhere if you start picking on details like that.
"IDEAL" shouldnt be your priority as a 36 year old virgin, no offense meant.


I guess the level of detail you are planning this out comes from your proffession, interests and in general from your character, BUT
you REALLY might want to reconsider and cut your expectations back as far as possible.

Define the top 10 points that are most important to you in a woman...... lacking experience with women as you do (no offense meant), you might want listen to people with a lot of experience in LTRs, who have been there and done that.

For example:

1.) not a hoe
2.) no kids
3.) age
4.) non smoker, no drugs etc.
5.) wants kids
6.) not broke/works for her living
7.) not clingy, not controlling (as you as a man have a job and interests to pursue outside of the time you spend together)
8.) healthy, not obese, in shape to be a good mother
9.) whatever....
10.) whatever....


And after these 10 points you STOP your thought process and actually try to get into contact with woman.

With 36 and no experience with women you are WAY behind on the learning curve, no offense meant.
Stop overthinking, stick to the basics and get it going.

My guess is you will need to adjust your approach to talk to women as well.
For example, stop oversharing the little details of your life. Women dont care about that, it bores them. They just want to hear that you get **** done and that you know how to handle your self. Things like offering to change your diet puts your masculinity down 3 lvls and sends submissive signals, which should be a nogo if you want a successfull marriage/family.

I could go on for an hour but you are smart and i think you get the point i am trying to make.

 

[BaronOfHair]

I've been trying to find a lifetime partner for about 2 years now, I'm not having much luck

Chillax. You're coming across hungry and desperate HERE, in print alone... One shudders to imagine the way in which all this displays itself, in your face to face interaction

Being more nonchalant will, ironically, increase your allure

 

[pipeman84]

And obviously cis females only, as (so far) trans females are incapable of birthing children.

* 36, cis male, Chinese but grew up in US from early age, 5'5" 180 lbs. Currently in Austin, TX.

You should move to Portland or San Francisco, from what I gather from the news, there are many more people playing the cis BS in those areas than there are in Austin.

 

[Gamisch]

"but the way she got drunk all the time was a big one. Still a virgin since she didn't believe in sex before marriage."
You should have told her you dont believe in getting drunk before marriage.


There is A LOT of detail in your "plans"...... but as Mike Tyson said, "everyone has a plan until he gets punched in the face".

For example you, think about changing your diet for a woman. Her diet should be somewhere on rank 67 in the top 100 of most important things in a relationship for a man.
The same thing goes for you being okay with her playing video games or whatever when you do your thing/hobbies. Again you are putting to much thought into something rather irrelevant for a relationship.
Also, that you think ex-smokers are not "ideal" .....WAY TO MUCH DETAIL, if she quit a year ago, she is fine. Or do you ask her for how long she has been fat or how many vax shots she had in the last 5 years? You never get anywhere if you start picking on details like that.
"IDEAL" shouldnt be your priority as a 36 year old virgin, no offense meant.


I guess the level of detail you are planning this out comes from your proffession, interests and in general from your character, BUT
you REALLY might want to reconsider and cut your expectations back as far as possible.

Define the top 10 points that are most important to you in a woman...... lacking experience with women as you do (no offense meant), you might want listen to people with a lot of experience in LTRs, who have been there and done that.

For example:

1.) not a hoe
2.) no kids
3.) age
4.) non smoker, no drugs etc.
5.) wants kids
6.) not broke/works for her living
7.) not clingy, not controlling (as you as a man have a job and interests to pursue outside of the time you spend together)
8.) healthy, not obese, in shape to be a good mother
9.) whatever....
10.) whatever....


And after these 10 points you STOP your thought process and actually try to get into contact with woman.

With 36 and no experience with women you are WAY behind on the learning curve, no offense meant.
Stop overthinking, stick to the basics and get it going.

My guess is you will need to adjust your approach to talk to women as well.
For example, stop oversharing the little details of your life. Women dont care about that, it bores them. They just want to hear that you get **** done and that you know how to handle your self. Things like offering to change your diet puts your masculinity down 3 lvls and sends submissive signals, which should be a nogo if you want a successfull marriage/family.

I could go on for an hour but you are smart and i think you get the point i am trying to make.

I missed the part that we're dealing with a 36 y.o VIRGIN.

The list of 10 demands might have to be brought back to one: spreading her legs.

Dude just needs a nut and starts to " smell like fish".

 

[sevbucmash]

@NiHaoMike
You need to check out Health & Fitness section on this forum, post your body pic (without face) and come up with a program for yourself -- nutrition and exercise. Physical attraction is a must, so that's where you start, get some muscle. It will also improve your confidence and make women notice you. Make your life a lot easier.

Also, do check out the dj bible.

 

[plumber]

get a gym membership and hire a trainer for a few sessions to teach you how. then religiously lift on a schedule.

get to know some girls you don't want as a life partner. its easier to talk to them because you don't care what they think...

what type of girls do you like ?

 

[NiHaoMike]

Also, how often do you go out and socialize?

Pretty much never. And there's more than the usual chance that's also the case for the girl I'm looking for. I got to know a gamer girl online and even met in person, but she ended up wanting to be just friends. She pretty much never goes out either.

For example you, think about changing your diet for a woman. Her diet should be somewhere on rank 67 in the top 100 of most important things in a relationship for a man.
The same thing goes for you being okay with her playing video games or whatever when you do your thing/hobbies. Again you are putting to much thought into something rather irrelevant for a relationship.
Also, that you think ex-smokers are not "ideal" .....WAY TO MUCH DETAIL, if she quit a year ago, she is fine. Or do you ask her for how long she has been fat or how many vax shots she had in the last 5 years? You never get anywhere if you start picking on details like that.
"IDEAL" shouldnt be your priority as a 36 year old virgin, no offense meant.

I only mention the changing diet part since I see vegetarians and vegans as a niche with less competition, but I'm obviously not restricting myself to that niche.

If you read on electronics groups, the "wife doesn't approve of the hobby" problem is very much real and not something I want to deal with. That said, if she's reasonable, she should understand that for engineers, to not be always learning is to fall behind.

I don't go around "probing" such details, but she might tell me. Or she might keep it a secret and I'll never know. Only reason I think of that is long term health, healthcare is expensive enough as it is.

You should move to Portland or San Francisco, from what I gather from the news, there are many more people playing the cis BS in those areas than there are in Austin.

Cis = just normal, not trans or intersex.

what type of girls do you like ?

Not too picky other than what I listed, so any race is fine (very slight bias towards Asians and blacks as they're minorities just like I am, but that won't change my decision), the minimum age would be 18 as set by law but realistically I would not expect less than mid 20s to be interested.

 

[Plinco]

Pretty much never. And there's more than the usual chance that's also the case for the girl I'm looking for. I got to know a gamer girl online and even met in person, but she ended up wanting to be just friends. She pretty much never goes out either.

I only mention the changing diet part since I see vegetarians and vegans as a niche with less competition, but I'm obviously not restricting myself to that niche.

If you read on electronics groups, the "wife doesn't approve of the hobby" problem is very much real and not something I want to deal with. That said, if she's reasonable, she should understand that for engineers, to not be always learning is to fall behind.

I don't go around "probing" such details, but she might tell me. Or she might keep it a secret and I'll never know. Only reason I think of that is long term health, healthcare is expensive enough as it is.

Cis = just normal, not trans or intersex.

Not too picky other than what I listed, so any race is fine (very slight bias towards Asians and blacks as they're minorities just like I am, but that won't change my decision), the minimum age would be 18 as set by law but realistically I would not expect less than mid 20s to be interested.

There's a lot you should change before you expect to have any success. We all have much easier lives compared to our ancestors, so it's not uncommon that people today in developed countries get complacent. The good news is that it sounds like your mind and body is intact, so you are still able to make any changes you need to, and you have plenty of work to do which means there's also plenty of opportunities to go forward.

 

[Gamisch]

I know the mods won't like this but in extreme cases like this I do suggest to "get that gf experience ".

Seriously, you got the money. Money= (sexual) power. It can and will be the fastest and easiest way to "simulate" being with a woman.

If you want the kind of things you've listed you gotta have some kind leverage. It can be looks, money, status, charisma ect , and the more you possess the easier things will be done with women.

I can say so much more. But cmon now, at this age you can't wait and keep doing what you've done before when it NEVER worked..

 

[plumber]

I know the mods won't like this but in extreme cases like this I do suggest to "get that gf experience ".

Seriously, you got the money. Money= (sexual) power. It can and will be the fastest and easiest way to "simulate" being with a woman.

If you want the kind of things you've listed you gotta have some kind leverage. It can be looks, money, status, charisma ect , and the more you possess the easier things will be done with women.

I can say so much more. But cmon now, at this age you can't wait and keep doing what you've done before when it NEVER worked..

yeh. this is valid. needs to have a trusted friend help set it up maybe.. to avoid bad actors.

 

[Bible_Belt]

180 is pretty thick for being 5'5" tall. Maybe you could pull it off if you were very muscular. But if your gut sticks out farther than your chest, you are overweight.

I would think your best bet would be an Asian international student from a local college or university. They are here on temporary student visas. Some of them want to stay longer and do so by marrying an American. My cousin got married this way. He and his wife seem very happy together and from what I have seen she is a genuinely nice person.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

The fact you said "guy in STEM" as if that defines who you are as a man is the problem.

You need to have an identity outside that, but it seems your entire identity is tied to that.

That's a major problem.

Take away STEM and who are you as a man? What is your essence as a person? What do you believe in? What do you stand for?

Those are things you need to figure out.

 

[BPH]

@NiHaoMike you've been given a lot of good advice so far, but nobody's asked what I believe to be the most important question:

How willing are you to make changes in YOUR life to solve this problem?

Because it sounds like you define "trying for about 2 years now" as "spent time on OKCupid".

 

[NiHaoMike]

I know the mods won't like this but in extreme cases like this I do suggest to "get that gf experience ".

Seriously, you got the money. Money= (sexual) power. It can and will be the fastest and easiest way to "simulate" being with a woman.

If you want the kind of things you've listed you gotta have some kind leverage. It can be looks, money, status, charisma ect , and the more you possess the easier things will be done with women.

I can say so much more. But cmon now, at this age you can't wait and keep doing what you've done before when it NEVER worked..

I'm sure that with a few grand in Strix Halos (AMD's "small" AI chips) and a few months of development work, I can probably make a pretty good chatbot to act as a companion. But that won't help with the goal of having children, so I see AI as more like a "pet" than a partner.

I would say my greatest value is that I'm a great engineer, but it seems like pretty much only other engineers understand the true value of that.

180 is pretty thick for being 5'5" tall. Maybe you could pull it off if you were very muscular. But if your gut sticks out farther than your chest, you are overweight.

That's something I'm working on (hence the organic flexitarian diet), but it seems to be genetic as many in my family have a hard time losing weight.

@NiHaoMike you've been given a lot of good advice so far, but nobody's asked what I believe to be the most important question:

How willing are you to make changes in YOUR life to solve this problem?

What changes would that be?

 

[Bible_Belt]

That's something I'm working on (hence the organic flexitarian diet), but it seems to be genetic as many in my family have a hard time losing weight.

And here come the excuses. I weigh the same as you at six-two and 13 years older. And I guarantee your momma isn't as big as mine.

The things you are good at, you're successful because you don't make excuses for yourself. Excuses are a hallmark of failure. When what you're doing isn't working, make changes instead of excuses.

 

[BadBoy89]

.
About myself:
* 36, cis male,

What the heck is a cis male? Is that like a transgender thing or something?

The partner I'm looking for:

Must be OK with my electronics hobby, as that's my way of continuing professional development. (Those who read in electronics groups about guys who have to deal with a wife not accepting their hobby would understand.) Ideally, she should work with me on that, but I would also be OK if she just wants to play video games or whatever while I work on my stuff.

This is your issue.

A lot of hot women who want to have children won’t accept their husbands being in electronic groups. You will really have to sit down and talk this with her about this, It’s probably a deal breaker.