Hello Friend,

If this is your first visit to SoSuave, I would advise you to START HERE.

It will be the most efficient use of your time.

And you will learn everything you need to know to become a huge success with women.

Thank you for visiting and have a great day!

A friend in need... Indeed?

Duster11

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There is a problem that needs a resolution. So I come here to you, brothers, for advice. But before the main point, a background story.

I was 18 and just had a transformation from being a fat, shy boy to being a socialite. This is partly because of the fact I got rejected from a crush I had on my classmate because I was “not the right guy”. Therefore, it was interesting for me to finally be able talk to girls my age and get the attention I wanted. But then, I met this girl through a mutual friend. We talked everyday. It seemed normal. But somehow, I started feeling attracted to her. I wanted to be near her and listen to her. And her eyes... So powerful and mysterious. (I have a thing for eyes). So desperate was I that I decided to go to the same university as her in order to be near her and letting go of my dreams. (I know, pathetic). During university, I just could not get near her. We were in different classes so meeting was near impossible. Within 6 months, I realised that I cannot even get near her because she was excellent in studies while I struggled. I decided that it just is not possible for me to be with her because “I am not good enough for her.” So, I decided to let her go.

We have been friends ever since. It has been a decade. Yes, a decade. We are best friends as well, or so I want to believe.
During this time, I met many woman. Dated some but never made the relationship official. Fell for another woman thinking that she is the one but again the same story, “I was not the right guy”. Shattered but got back up and continued, improved myself. In the mean time, my friend and I became really close. We are best friends. Once out of university, we would talk everyday, hang out every other night, have insane conversations like normal friends do. But things again changed 4 years ago.
4 years ago, she moved out of the country to pursue her career and is at the other side of the globe. We have been in touch but due to the time difference, it has been difficult. Sometimes, months would go by and we would not talk. Whenever she visits the country, we always hang out and act the same.

Near the end of last year, we somehow started talking a lot again. Her tone was different. As if she was acknowledging my existence again. It was weird at first since we did not usually talk that much but we were texting almost everyday, regardless of the time difference. And then, I feel my feelings resurfacing again. I kept telling myself that it is just a “phase” like in the past and nothing is serious about this and should acknowledge the fact that she is trying to reconnect.
And then she tells me this: At the beginning of this year, she told me that she was with someone and were serious about getting married. They had broken up a few months ago and that she was devastated. She never told me about her past relationship and only told me once she was feeling better. This confused me: if I am suppose to her “best friend”, why did not she tell me this before? Even if she was in a relationship, why did she not tell me? I told her about all the woman I was seeing so why did she hide this? Is there something here? This really did puzzle me but what was more troubling was it made me fell worse to think that I almost lost her to another guy. I do not know why this came up because in the past, we would talk about our weddings and would tell each other the role we would play during each other’s wedding. However, this incident that she was with someone and that they wanted to get married caught me off guard. I consoled her as a good friend and let it be. For the next few days, it was evident that my feelings had resurfaced and I know for a fact that I am screwed. This time, I knew that when she would come back to the country, I would make the move and let know about how I feel. If the feeling is not mutual then I really need to move on even from this friendship because I did not want to hurt myself further. Till the mean time, I decided to create the attraction I wanted that I tried with other woman in the past. It worked to some considerable extend. Ghosting, being the first to leave the conversation, creating mystery about myself and my actions. It really did work.
And then, a few months ago, she made a surprise visit to the country because her dad was sick. When I went to the hospital, I saw her. When she saw me, she started crying. Tears running down. The doctors said that there was no hope that he would survive. I went near her and we embraced each other. This was the first time in a decade that we really did embrace each other. We have hugged before but this was different. We stood there in that position until I broke off. All I knew was that at that time, I need to be a friend and not a potential lover. The feeling of lose was mutual because I lost my dad a few years ago too and she was with me the whole time. Everyday, I would be with her. Helping her and her family with anything they would need help in. Not a day would pass when I would not be talking to her or helping her out. I was even with her at the time her dad breath his last.

2 weeks after the funeral, she left the country with her family. In the meantime, I have been in constant contact with her. We talk every week or 2. However, now I feel that the seduction has broken. When she was here, I had to go back to being the overly caring person because it was the right thing to do. I knew this would shatter the seduction I have created but I also knew that I need to be a friend right now. I just could not stand her tears. She now often mentions her ex and says she cannot her over him.

So my problem is this: I have strong feelings for my dear friend. I want to seduce her through the art I learned but I just cannot shake the feeling that I am also her friend. During my time, she was there for me, therefore, I have to be there for her now that she needs me. I know for a fact that long distances do not work but I am planning to move abroad next year as well so I want to give this thing a chance.

Therefore, I seek your advice my brothers: What should I do? I want to leave her but I cannot because of my ties with her. I know that if I leave, she would be devastated. She is already in mourning. However, if I keep talking to her, it would make things worse for me. I need help in this.

Much regards!
 

AttackFormation

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Out of experience I never read posts of this length by new guys. Here is my advice:

1 - The problem is how you feel about yourself. You don't love yourself. You don't respect yourself. The woman is merely the symptomatic expression of that. It's not about her, and if you don't treat yourself with love and respect, neither will she.

2 - Your case is not special.

3 - She does not want you and you cannot make her or any woman want you. You can only treat yourself with the most love and respect you can and then see who wants you.
 

Duster11

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Out of experience I never read posts of this length by new guys. Here is my advice:

1 - The problem is how you feel about yourself. You don't love yourself. You don't respect yourself. The woman is merely the symptomatic expression of that. It's not about her, and if you don't treat yourself with love and respect, neither will she.

2 - Your case is not special.

3 - She does not want you and you cannot make her or any woman want you. You can only treat yourself with the most love and respect you can and then see who wants you.
1 - Harsh as it may be, I agree with your statement.

2 - I searched far and wide in different forums (including this) to identify a way to resolve this. Only after I gave up did I start a thread.

3 - You are a Master Don Juan. You have greater experience than I. How am I to love and respect myself? Without these, I will not be fully content with life. Love will come but right now, I need to be mentally and emotionally stable. Your guidance will be highly valuable.
 

Desdinova

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At the beginning of this year, she told me that she was with someone and were serious about getting married. They had broken up a few months ago and that she was devastated.
She's been alpha-widowed and is now damaged goods. All she's good for now is a fvck n' toss. She is no longer capable of being in a life-long committed relationship.

This confused me: if I am suppose to her “best friend”, why did not she tell me this before? Even if she was in a relationship, why did she not tell me? I told her about all the woman I was seeing so why did she hide this? Is there something here?
#1: It was none of your damn business
#2: Women can sniff out a man who desperately wants to be with them. She knows you have one-itis and she doesn't want to hurt your feelings, but she also doesn't want to be involved with you sexually.

I consoled her as a good friend and let it be.
...thus securing your place in the friend zone.

All I knew was that at that time, I need to be a friend and not a potential lover.
You never were a potential lover. You secured your place in the friend zone long before she met the guy who alpha-widowed her. You have over a decade of non-sexual friendship with her. People generally don't change their opinions about other people. Her opinion of you is "nice friend who I'm not sexually attracted to".

She now often mentions her ex and says she cannot her over him.
Again, she's been alpha-widowed and is no longer capable of having a life-long committed relationship. If she isn't already, she's going to be fvcking lots of other men, none of them being YOU.

So my problem is this: I have strong feelings for my dear friend. I want to seduce her through the art I learned but I just cannot shake the feeling that I am also her friend. During my time, she was there for me, therefore, I have to be there for her now that she needs me. I know for a fact that long distances do not work but I am planning to move abroad next year as well so I want to give this thing a chance.

Therefore, I seek your advice my brothers: What should I do?
You cannot seduce your best friend. You will be wasting your time, energy, money, and life moving to where she's located. Even if you were to become involved with her sexually, it won't last because she's already met her "soulmate", and it's not you.

There are 3,836,415,580 women in the world, so why in hell are you wasting your time chasing one when there's 3,836,415,579 other women out there? Quit wasting your time and leave her to enjoy the ride on the c0ck carousel. You can easily find another woman if you put your effort into it.

One-itis is an illness that men can recover from if they put in the effort. One-itis is a terminal illness for women, and your female friend has it for the rest of her existence.
 

mrgoodstuff

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Out of experience I never read posts of this length by new guys. Here is my advice:

1 - The problem is how you feel about yourself. You don't love yourself. You don't respect yourself. The woman is merely the symptomatic expression of that. It's not about her, and if you don't treat yourself with love and respect, neither will she.

2 - Your case is not special.

3 - She does not want you and you cannot make her or any woman want you. You can only treat yourself with the most love and respect you can and then see who wants you.
Long postings are indicative of a guy thinking way more a out her than she thinks about him. As you say.
 

image

"If you love women, you must read the SoSuave Guide to Women. It's fantastic!"

Snake-eyes

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There is a problem that needs a resolution. So I come here to you, brothers, for advice. But before the main point, a background story.

I was 18 and just had a transformation from being a fat, shy boy to being a socialite. This is partly because of the fact I got rejected from a crush I had on my classmate because I was “not the right guy”. Therefore, it was interesting for me to finally be able talk to girls my age and get the attention I wanted. But then, I met this girl through a mutual friend. We talked everyday. It seemed normal. But somehow, I started feeling attracted to her. I wanted to be near her and listen to her. And her eyes... So powerful and mysterious. (I have a thing for eyes). So desperate was I that I decided to go to the same university as her in order to be near her and letting go of my dreams. (I know, pathetic). During university, I just could not get near her. We were in different classes so meeting was near impossible. Within 6 months, I realised that I cannot even get near her because she was excellent in studies while I struggled. I decided that it just is not possible for me to be with her because “I am not good enough for her.” So, I decided to let her go.

We have been friends ever since. It has been a decade. Yes, a decade. We are best friends as well, or so I want to believe.
During this time, I met many woman. Dated some but never made the relationship official. Fell for another woman thinking that she is the one but again the same story, “I was not the right guy”. Shattered but got back up and continued, improved myself. In the mean time, my friend and I became really close. We are best friends. Once out of university, we would talk everyday, hang out every other night, have insane conversations like normal friends do. But things again changed 4 years ago.
4 years ago, she moved out of the country to pursue her career and is at the other side of the globe. We have been in touch but due to the time difference, it has been difficult. Sometimes, months would go by and we would not talk. Whenever she visits the country, we always hang out and act the same.

Near the end of last year, we somehow started talking a lot again. Her tone was different. As if she was acknowledging my existence again. It was weird at first since we did not usually talk that much but we were texting almost everyday, regardless of the time difference. And then, I feel my feelings resurfacing again. I kept telling myself that it is just a “phase” like in the past and nothing is serious about this and should acknowledge the fact that she is trying to reconnect.
And then she tells me this: At the beginning of this year, she told me that she was with someone and were serious about getting married. They had broken up a few months ago and that she was devastated. She never told me about her past relationship and only told me once she was feeling better. This confused me: if I am suppose to her “best friend”, why did not she tell me this before? Even if she was in a relationship, why did she not tell me? I told her about all the woman I was seeing so why did she hide this? Is there something here? This really did puzzle me but what was more troubling was it made me fell worse to think that I almost lost her to another guy. I do not know why this came up because in the past, we would talk about our weddings and would tell each other the role we would play during each other’s wedding. However, this incident that she was with someone and that they wanted to get married caught me off guard. I consoled her as a good friend and let it be. For the next few days, it was evident that my feelings had resurfaced and I know for a fact that I am screwed. This time, I knew that when she would come back to the country, I would make the move and let know about how I feel. If the feeling is not mutual then I really need to move on even from this friendship because I did not want to hurt myself further. Till the mean time, I decided to create the attraction I wanted that I tried with other woman in the past. It worked to some considerable extend. Ghosting, being the first to leave the conversation, creating mystery about myself and my actions. It really did work.
And then, a few months ago, she made a surprise visit to the country because her dad was sick. When I went to the hospital, I saw her. When she saw me, she started crying. Tears running down. The doctors said that there was no hope that he would survive. I went near her and we embraced each other. This was the first time in a decade that we really did embrace each other. We have hugged before but this was different. We stood there in that position until I broke off. All I knew was that at that time, I need to be a friend and not a potential lover. The feeling of lose was mutual because I lost my dad a few years ago too and she was with me the whole time. Everyday, I would be with her. Helping her and her family with anything they would need help in. Not a day would pass when I would not be talking to her or helping her out. I was even with her at the time her dad breath his last.

2 weeks after the funeral, she left the country with her family. In the meantime, I have been in constant contact with her. We talk every week or 2. However, now I feel that the seduction has broken. When she was here, I had to go back to being the overly caring person because it was the right thing to do. I knew this would shatter the seduction I have created but I also knew that I need to be a friend right now. I just could not stand her tears. She now often mentions her ex and says she cannot her over him.

So my problem is this: I have strong feelings for my dear friend. I want to seduce her through the art I learned but I just cannot shake the feeling that I am also her friend. During my time, she was there for me, therefore, I have to be there for her now that she needs me. I know for a fact that long distances do not work but I am planning to move abroad next year as well so I want to give this thing a chance.

Therefore, I seek your advice my brothers: What should I do? I want to leave her but I cannot because of my ties with her. I know that if I leave, she would be devastated. She is already in mourning. However, if I keep talking to her, it would make things worse for me. I need help in this.

Much regards!
What should you do? Hmmm...Welll to begin with, this girl doesn’t even see you as a lover. As the guys mentioned before, she’s alpha widowed. Meaning she’s pining over the other guy that treated her like dog ****. You have become her emotional tampon, and have been willing to bend over backwards for her. She knows this, you’re her little teddy bear. The moment you confess your love for her, she’s going to feel disgusted by those words. Right now you’re her girlfriend she doesn’t see you as anything more. This is why I don’t believe in being friends with a women with out any sexual agenda. Women have boyfriends and girlfriend, if you’re not ****ing guess what you are?...What you need to do is: become your own mental point of origin(put your self first). Stop obsessing over her, start realizing that she’s not going to be in to you. Also quit ****ing adjusting you life to be around a woman, that’s pathetic. I doubt she’ll do the same for you. Stop living in that blue pill Disney fantasy of yours. It’s hurting you but have full control over it.
 

Duster11

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She's been alpha-widowed and is now damaged goods. All she's good for now is a fvck n' toss. She is no longer capable of being in a life-long committed relationship.
This is new for me. Since she is now an alpha-widow, there is no point of being with such a woman as the emotional drama is something I am not willing go through. However, I must ask: due to my long relationship with her even as a “friend”, is it not my responsibility give her an ear to hear her problems since it is humane thing to do? I listen to her since she and I have both lost a parent so I can empathise with her to a great degree. Her focus is around fixing her family so she comes to me because I can understand how hard it can be to manage a family now that the head is out. I have been looking after my family ever since my dad passed away.
However, I can tell you that a couple weeks ago, she told me that she cannot forget her ex. I am sure she was expecting that I would console her but I replied that she would definitely find a way to deal with this problem because I have confidence in her ability. I never got a reply but I believe I sent a clear message that I am not willing to hear about her ex.

You cannot seduce your best friend. You will be wasting your time, energy, money, and life moving to where she's located. Even if you were to become involved with her sexually, it won't last because she's already met her "soulmate", and it's not you.
I want to move abroad for business and residential reasons. My plan is to move to either of the North American countries. My friend is in the South America. Therefore, regardless of whether I be with her or not, my plans are not going to change. I have been planning to move abroad for more than a decade now but had to suspend the move due to personal and financial reasons.

There are 3,836,415,580 women in the world, so why in hell are you wasting your time chasing one when there's 3,836,415,579 other women out there? Quit wasting your time and leave her to enjoy the ride on the c0ck carousel. You can easily find another woman if you put your effort into it.

One-itis is an illness that men can recover from if they put in the effort. One-itis is a terminal illness for women, and your female friend has it for the rest of her existence.
I am actually a supporter of polygamy. I do not mind being in a relationship with more than one woman and have entertained the thought a couple of times. People close to me know about this.
 

Alvafe

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This is new for me. Since she is now an alpha-widow, there is no point of being with such a woman as the emotional drama is something I am not willing go through. However, I must ask: due to my long relationship with her even as a “friend”, is it not my responsibility give her an ear to hear her problems since it is humane thing to do? I listen to her since she and I have both lost a parent so I can empathise with her to a great degree. Her focus is around fixing her family so she comes to me because I can understand how hard it can be to manage a family now that the head is out. I have been looking after my family ever since my dad passed away.
However, I can tell you that a couple weeks ago, she told me that she cannot forget her ex. I am sure she was expecting that I would console her but I replied that she would definitely find a way to deal with this problem because I have confidence in her ability. I never got a reply but I believe I sent a clear message that I am not willing to hear about her ex.


I want to move abroad for business and residential reasons. My plan is to move to either of the North American countries. My friend is in the South America. Therefore, regardless of whether I be with her or not, my plans are not going to change. I have been planning to move abroad for more than a decade now but had to suspend the move due to personal and financial reasons.


I am actually a supporter of polygamy. I do not mind being in a relationship with more than one woman and have entertained the thought a couple of times. People close to me know about this.
no, girls problems she goes to cry to her girl friends, plus you don't take this as a way to make fun out of her, so ther eis nothing to it for you, I would wonder more about the reason she don't have any other friend then you to talk about, I bet she want validation, and what is the best way to get it then talking with a guy she knows its will give her anything, my bet is she is hoping you try to hit her up again so she can turn you down again

nothing more move on, be busy,

and polygamy, you only say that because you don't care about having a harem, but that is not what will happen, this thing is a bad deal for the guy
 

Duster11

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What should you do? Hmmm...Welll to begin with, this girl doesn’t even see you as a lover. As the guys mentioned before, she’s alpha widowed. Meaning she’s pining over the other guy that treated her like dog ****. You have become her emotional tampon, and have been willing to bend over backwards for her. She knows this, you’re her little teddy bear. The moment you confess your love for her, she’s going to feel disgusted by those words. Right now you’re her girlfriend she doesn’t see you as anything more. This is why I don’t believe in being friends with a women with out any sexual agenda. Women have boyfriends and girlfriend, if you’re not ****ing guess what you are?...What you need to do is: become your own mental point of origin(put your self first). Stop obsessing over her, start realizing that she’s not going to be in to you. Also quit ****ing adjusting you life to be around a woman, that’s pathetic. I doubt she’ll do the same for you. Stop living in that blue pill Disney fantasy of yours. It’s hurting you but have full control over it.
My problem arose when I came to accept the fact that I have “fixer” mindset or being the “white knight”. I accept this fault of mine and am trying to fix myself.
I quit my job last year because I was not happy about it and the stress it gave. Took a 6 month break, refreshed my mind and did a self-SWOT analysis.
I started my own business, joined the gym again to get back in shape as I used to before joining my ex-employer and got back to my hobbies of travelling, reading and playing my instrument.
I am also very much aware that I cannot be the “emotional tampon”. I have read this forum up and down so I know being one is what an AFC does. My only way out is to leave her because, why not? Why mess my present and future for someone I cannot be with? Even if she gets disgusted, it is better than being reminded how I cannot be with her. My own mental health is more important.
But the thing comes to morality. She was there for me when I needed her at my time of need when I lost my parent. Now that she is going through this, I have to be there for her as well. But whilst doing so, I know that my feelings keep arousing and I am having difficulty containing them. The best for me is to leave and look for other woman but when I try, my friend just keeps popping up. I tried going on a date with another woman but my mind was fixated towards my friend. This is where I need help. I want to move but I am stuck in an obligation I cannot forgo. Think of it as a reciprocation. As long as I am stuck in this reciprocation, I know I will not be able to move on.
 

Duster11

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no, girls problems she goes to cry to her girl friends, plus you don't take this as a way to make fun out of her, so ther eis nothing to it for you, I would wonder more about the reason she don't have any other friend then you to talk about,
I personally think that the reason is because I made myself too available. Whilst she was here, all of her friends were busy with their jobs so could not make time for her. I, on the under hand, was able to do so since I am running my own business and have a very good flexible time. Since she knows that I can create time because of my work, I will not ignore her.

I bet she want validation, and what is the best way to get it then talking with a guy she knows its will give her anything, my bet is she is hoping you try to hit her up again so she can turn you down again


nothing more move on, be busy,
And busy, I am. I have ventured into other prospects to keep myself busy. I am expanding my business so I am occupied 6 days a week. However, I always leave one weekend off as a breather and give myself as much time as I can. The problem arises when I am not doing anything. Even for an hour, she pops up. This mind boggle is distracting me.

and polygamy, you only say that because you don't care about having a harem, but that is not what will happen, this thing is a bad deal for the guy
Depends on the capabilities of the guy. Would you not agree?
 

Snake-eyes

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My problem arose when I came to accept the fact that I have “fixer” mindset or being the “white knight”. I accept this fault of mine and am trying to fix myself.
I quit my job last year because I was not happy about it and the stress it gave. Took a 6 month break, refreshed my mind and did a self-SWOT analysis.
I started my own business, joined the gym again to get back in shape as I used to before joining my ex-employer and got back to my hobbies of travelling, reading and playing my instrument.
I am also very much aware that I cannot be the “emotional tampon”. I have read this forum up and down so I know being one is what an AFC does. My only way out is to leave her because, why not? Why mess my present and future for someone I cannot be with? Even if she gets disgusted, it is better than being reminded how I cannot be with her. My own mental health is more important.
But the thing comes to morality. She was there for me when I needed her at my time of need when I lost my parent. Now that she is going through this, I have to be there for her as well. But whilst doing so, I know that my feelings keep arousing and I am having difficulty containing them. The best for me is to leave and look for other woman but when I try, my friend just keeps popping up. I tried going on a date with another woman but my mind was fixated towards my friend. This is where I need help. I want to move but I am stuck in an obligation I cannot forgo. Think of it as a reciprocation. As long as I am stuck in this reciprocation, I know I will not be able to move on.
So you complicate your situation and then you justify it, got it.
 

Desdinova

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due to my long relationship with her even as a “friend”, is it not my responsibility give her an ear to hear her problems since it is humane thing to do?
Doesn't she have other friends she can talk to? Why are you supposed to be her emotional tampon?

As long as you remain in touch with her, you're never going to move on. Think about all the time you wasted "pursuing" this woman. You could have found yourself a damn good, loyal companion in that time. Instead, you keep wasting your time on this damaged woman.


I am actually a supporter of polygamy. I do not mind being in a relationship with more than one woman and have entertained the thought a couple of times.
I also support the idea of polygamy, but it has to be on the man's terms. You can't let a woman dictate how many other men she can fvck while she's fvcking you. It should be the man who is married to multiple women, not the other way around.

Also, having multiple sex partners without marriage isn't polygamy. It's called "being a wh0re".
 

Duster11

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So you complicate your situation and then you justify it, got it.
I am very open to any criticism you may have with regards to my justification. My experience and knowledge hit a wall so I come to you, a Don Juan. Any insight with be grateful.
 

Duster11

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Doesn't she have other friends she can talk to? Why are you supposed to be her emotional tampon?
Probably because of the similarity of the situation: death of a parent. None of her other friends know the feeling except for me.

As long as you remain in touch with her, you're never going to move on. Think about all the time you wasted "pursuing" this woman. You could have found yourself a damn good, loyal companion in that time. Instead, you keep wasting your time on this damaged woman.
I quit pursuing her within 6 months we started our university. Back then, I thought “she is out of my league” so decided to quit. Been with multiple woman since then.
It is very recently that my feelings resurfaced. I believe, because I have always been in touch with her, I did not grow out of this. And honestly, I am not willing to be the “white knight” again because of my past experience. This fixer mindset has been toxic.

I also support the idea of polygamy, but it has to be on the man's terms. You can't let a woman dictate how many other men she can fvck while she's fvcking you. It should be the man who is married to multiple women, not the other way around.

Also, having multiple sex partners without marriage isn't polygamy. It's called "being a wh0re".
Glad to know that you and I are on the same page in this regard. Polyandry has always been contiguous and a sign of weakness for men who commit to it.
 

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Duster11

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Cut contact with her. If she messages you, don't answer. If she calls you, don't answer. After you get rid of her, you'll be able to move on.
This is were the problem is, morality vs self-respect. I know that my self-respect has more worth than any woman. There is no shortage of them. However, cutting ties with her, is it not a sign of being immoral? Especially when she was there for me at my time, should I not do the reciprocation? I have dumped women in the past because there was no reciprocation before but this time... Things got complicated.
Is there no way round this?
 

Jager

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This is were the problem is, morality vs self-respect. I know that my self-respect has more worth than any woman. There is no shortage of them. However, cutting ties with her, is it not a sign of being immoral? Especially when she was there for me at my time, should I not do the reciprocation? I have dumped women in the past because there was no reciprocation before but this time... Things got complicated.
Is there no way round this?
No. There isn’t.

It isn’t immoral. You have the right to communicate, or not communicate, with anybody you want.
 

Desdinova

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However, cutting ties with her, is it not a sign of being immoral? Especially when she was there for me at my time, should I not do the reciprocation?
There is absolutely nothing special about the support you gave her. If you didn't do it, someone else would have.

You did something nice for her. That's great! Now you can move on. You are not a slave to her because you did something nice for her.
 

kasper

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There is a problem that needs a resolution. So I come here to you, brothers, for advice. But before the main point, a background story.

I was 18 and just had a transformation from being a fat, shy boy to being a socialite. This is partly because of the fact I got rejected from a crush I had on my classmate because I was “not the right guy”. Therefore, it was interesting for me to finally be able talk to girls my age and get the attention I wanted. But then, I met this girl through a mutual friend. We talked everyday. It seemed normal. But somehow, I started feeling attracted to her. I wanted to be near her and listen to her. And her eyes... So powerful and mysterious. (I have a thing for eyes). So desperate was I that I decided to go to the same university as her in order to be near her and letting go of my dreams. (I know, pathetic). During university, I just could not get near her. We were in different classes so meeting was near impossible. Within 6 months, I realised that I cannot even get near her because she was excellent in studies while I struggled. I decided that it just is not possible for me to be with her because “I am not good enough for her.” So, I decided to let her go.

We have been friends ever since. It has been a decade. Yes, a decade. We are best friends as well, or so I want to believe.
During this time, I met many woman. Dated some but never made the relationship official. Fell for another woman thinking that she is the one but again the same story, “I was not the right guy”. Shattered but got back up and continued, improved myself. In the mean time, my friend and I became really close. We are best friends. Once out of university, we would talk everyday, hang out every other night, have insane conversations like normal friends do. But things again changed 4 years ago.
4 years ago, she moved out of the country to pursue her career and is at the other side of the globe. We have been in touch but due to the time difference, it has been difficult. Sometimes, months would go by and we would not talk. Whenever she visits the country, we always hang out and act the same.

Near the end of last year, we somehow started talking a lot again. Her tone was different. As if she was acknowledging my existence again. It was weird at first since we did not usually talk that much but we were texting almost everyday, regardless of the time difference. And then, I feel my feelings resurfacing again. I kept telling myself that it is just a “phase” like in the past and nothing is serious about this and should acknowledge the fact that she is trying to reconnect.
And then she tells me this: At the beginning of this year, she told me that she was with someone and were serious about getting married. They had broken up a few months ago and that she was devastated. She never told me about her past relationship and only told me once she was feeling better. This confused me: if I am suppose to her “best friend”, why did not she tell me this before? Even if she was in a relationship, why did she not tell me? I told her about all the woman I was seeing so why did she hide this? Is there something here? This really did puzzle me but what was more troubling was it made me fell worse to think that I almost lost her to another guy. I do not know why this came up because in the past, we would talk about our weddings and would tell each other the role we would play during each other’s wedding. However, this incident that she was with someone and that they wanted to get married caught me off guard. I consoled her as a good friend and let it be. For the next few days, it was evident that my feelings had resurfaced and I know for a fact that I am screwed. This time, I knew that when she would come back to the country, I would make the move and let know about how I feel. If the feeling is not mutual then I really need to move on even from this friendship because I did not want to hurt myself further. Till the mean time, I decided to create the attraction I wanted that I tried with other woman in the past. It worked to some considerable extend. Ghosting, being the first to leave the conversation, creating mystery about myself and my actions. It really did work.
And then, a few months ago, she made a surprise visit to the country because her dad was sick. When I went to the hospital, I saw her. When she saw me, she started crying. Tears running down. The doctors said that there was no hope that he would survive. I went near her and we embraced each other. This was the first time in a decade that we really did embrace each other. We have hugged before but this was different. We stood there in that position until I broke off. All I knew was that at that time, I need to be a friend and not a potential lover. The feeling of lose was mutual because I lost my dad a few years ago too and she was with me the whole time. Everyday, I would be with her. Helping her and her family with anything they would need help in. Not a day would pass when I would not be talking to her or helping her out. I was even with her at the time her dad breath his last.

2 weeks after the funeral, she left the country with her family. In the meantime, I have been in constant contact with her. We talk every week or 2. However, now I feel that the seduction has broken. When she was here, I had to go back to being the overly caring person because it was the right thing to do. I knew this would shatter the seduction I have created but I also knew that I need to be a friend right now. I just could not stand her tears. She now often mentions her ex and says she cannot her over him.

So my problem is this: I have strong feelings for my dear friend. I want to seduce her through the art I learned but I just cannot shake the feeling that I am also her friend. During my time, she was there for me, therefore, I have to be there for her now that she needs me. I know for a fact that long distances do not work but I am planning to move abroad next year as well so I want to give this thing a chance.

Therefore, I seek your advice my brothers: What should I do? I want to leave her but I cannot because of my ties with her. I know that if I leave, she would be devastated. She is already in mourning. However, if I keep talking to her, it would make things worse for me. I need help in this.

Much regards!
Okay Duster guy here we go. Before you post a thread or even continue to read my comment, do so only with an open mind (ready to accept various views/opinions of different people here) or else this will be just a waste of time and you'll be just where you are.

I understand your situation, you feel "obligated" to be in a relationship with her and it's fine. But the real question you have to answer is - what type of relationship are you looking for with this woman. If you want to be friends forever, it will workout perfectly until she marries/loves someone that is not you and your forever friendship is doomed to end.
If you are looking for any relationship that is beyond friendship it doesn't work and you'll have to move on. This is obvious because you've made the (mind) frame of friendship so strong (for the girl) nurturing the frame for 10 years, it's impossible for her to come out of that frame man.
Also according to your obligation theory, you might be obligated to be a good friend to her but you were never obligated to be her lover just because you were nice to her. And if you want to have any type of intimate relationship with woman, you'll have to move on because this option is not an option.
Now if your question is how to move on, just start seeing different woman without confusing your friendship (with the girl) with the date you are spending time with.
Hope this helps.
 

Alvafe

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I personally think that the reason is because I made myself too available. Whilst she was here, all of her friends were busy with their jobs so could not make time for her. I, on the under hand, was able to do so since I am running my own business and have a very good flexible time. Since she knows that I can create time because of my work, I will not ignore her.


And busy, I am. I have ventured into other prospects to keep myself busy. I am expanding my business so I am occupied 6 days a week. However, I always leave one weekend off as a breather and give myself as much time as I can. The problem arises when I am not doing anything. Even for an hour, she pops up. This mind boggle is distracting me.


Depends on the capabilities of the guy. Would you not agree?
you are not busy as long you ahve time for her, you amke time for her, and I wouldn't count loyalty as a woman trait, she is only loyal as long you are the best offer, the moment she wonders if really is you will see the lack of it.

with that in mind, we come for why waste time, resource, patience on a woman who will not open her legs for you? don't matter waht you belive you are doing, only she think you are her girlfriend, that is not a nice position for you mind, even worse when you know you are a white knight, but do nothing to change.

"Depends on the capabilities of the guy. Would you not agree?"

no, don't matter how well you belive you are, as long a woman you have spend time and resources, start to wander in anotehr men lawn its the time you replace, why? 1st rule you need to undertand about men and woman, any woman can find sex on the time she want, not always a guy can

I will repeat something its always a truth

a woman yells in the middle of street she want to fuc*, men will pop from hell to do her, and will even organize a line she will do everyone.
a guy yells in the middle of street he want to fuc*, he will be lucky if 2 gay men show up
 
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