8 yr LTR since 19 now engaged then I was red pilled...

[Builditandtheywillcome]

Like the title says Ive been in my ltr for sometime from a young age. My partner in recently yrs has become more persistent about marriage.
I do care for her however, I started feeling uneasy when intimacy and ultimatums started being used for her own leverage.
I caved after a long dragged out discussion an proposed to her. I hoped things like intimacy would improve an they did for a time after. Prior to engagement sex was feeling forced given we are years into our relationship have gotten comfortable. I was always being the one to initiate sex. It had turned into a chore for her and it felt transactional.

Then I read the rational male and was unplugged so to speak. My perspective change an I haven't been letting the cookie be dangled in-front of me anymore.
I stopped asking and pursuing it all together. Changed a few things in my routine an the script as since changed.

Still I cant help but feel I would be doing myself a disservice if I didn't go out and sow my oats. I don't want to enter marriage having never spun plates or refined my skills. Especially entering my late 20s coming into my own. Possibly things might not be greener on the other side but, I wont know that until I go for myself.

Any of you guys been in a similar situation?

Anyone have thoughts/commments on couples with different level of sex drives???
personally feel like for myself im on the higher end of the scale like 8/10
where as i feel shes more like 3-4/10
are we as a couple too unbalanced?

 

[fenix2021]

It's only natural for her to want to get married and have kids.
It's only natural for you not to. (though having kids IS the best thing that will ever happen to you)
You are way too young to get married.
Every man, and i mean EVERY man must go through period of sleeping around. You must get to the stage where you can come into any space, look around then pick the best looking woman and have your way with her. If you never experience that feeling of power you will always long for it. It's not about getting laid but being master of your destiny.
For me it happened in my late 20s to early 30s.
Then i found a woman of my dreams, got married, had kids. 10 years later we are getting amicable divorce with joint custody of kids.
I still respect her as a great mother of my kids and i'm grateful that i had kids with her but we drifted apart. She realized that she will never change me into what she wants (she got an adventurous lover of life and now she needs a husband that can be easily shaped into whatever she needs him to be at the moment) and i realized that whoever i was becoming through this marriage wasn't the person i liked anymore (of course, i also stopped liking my wife too).

Bottom line: don't get married at such a young age.

 

[Focal core]

Damn..

 

[Plinco]

Like the title says Ive been in my ltr for sometime from a young age. My partner in recently yrs has become more persistent about marriage.
I do care for her however, I started feeling uneasy when intimacy and ultimatums started being used for her own leverage.
I caved after a long dragged out discussion an proposed to her. I hoped things like intimacy would improve an they did for a time after. Prior to engagement sex was feeling forced given we are years into our relationship have gotten comfortable. I was always being the one to initiate sex. It had turned into a chore for her and it felt transactional.

Then I read the rational male and was unplugged so to speak. My perspective change an I haven't been letting the cookie be dangled in-front of me anymore.
I stopped asking and pursuing it all together. Changed a few things in my routine an the script as since changed.

Still I cant help but feel I would be doing myself a disservice if I didn't go out and sow my oats. I don't want to enter marriage having never spun plates or refined my skills. Especially entering my late 20s coming into my own. Possibly things might not be greener on the other side but, I wont know that until I go for myself.

Any of you guys been in a similar situation?

Anyone have thoughts/commments on couples with different level of sex drives???
personally feel like for myself im on the higher end of the scale like 8/10
where as i feel shes more like 3-4/10
are we as a couple too unbalanced?

You need to think long and hard about your long term goals. Write them down and look at everything logically. Does everything pass the logic test? Or in other words, do you have goals that all go together in congruence or do you have conflicting long term goals?

Imagine yourself where you want to be career wise, and in other circumstances ideally for yourself in ten years from now. How does she fit in all of that? Does she?

Ultimately you have to be the one in charge of your own life. Typically when people tell you what you should do, they are either promoting their own self-interests, or they are projecting what would be in their best interest if they were you. You are the only person who can decide what is in your best interest.

 

[Machine10033]

it’s completely up to you. I sowed my oats from my 20’s thru my 30’s and in my opinion there really wasn’t any benefit to banging a bunch of girls and spinning plates. During this time I advanced significantly in my career and was able to keep myself in amazing shape. I am 41 now and wish I would have actually spent time finding a good one...building a meaningful relationship... getting a rock solid prenup ... and having a family.

 

[samspade]

I caved after a long dragged out discussion an proposed to her. I hoped things like intimacy would improve an they did for a time after. Prior to engagement sex was feeling forced given we are years into our relationship have gotten comfortable. I was always being the one to initiate sex. It had turned into a chore for her and it felt transactional.

She is caving on sex (post-engagement spike notwithstanding) and you are caving on commitment. It sounds to me like your priorities are not aligned. These things should not be concessions for appeasement. Surrendering your happiness will not make someone else happy.

I've been in LTRs where I knew I still wanted to fukk around and it dogged me. I eventually left them of course and was much happier living life my way, even though the breakups sucked. (Well, one was a sigh of relief.)

If you strive for anything in life, it should be 100% self-acceptance.

 

[RickTheToad]

Like the title says Ive been in my ltr for sometime from a young age. My partner in recently yrs has become more persistent about marriage.
I do care for her however, I started feeling uneasy when intimacy and ultimatums started being used for her own leverage.
I caved after a long dragged out discussion an proposed to her. I hoped things like intimacy would improve an they did for a time after. Prior to engagement sex was feeling forced given we are years into our relationship have gotten comfortable. I was always being the one to initiate sex. It had turned into a chore for her and it felt transactional.

Then I read the rational male and was unplugged so to speak. My perspective change an I haven't been letting the cookie be dangled in-front of me anymore.
I stopped asking and pursuing it all together. Changed a few things in my routine an the script as since changed.

Still I cant help but feel I would be doing myself a disservice if I didn't go out and sow my oats. I don't want to enter marriage having never spun plates or refined my skills. Especially entering my late 20s coming into my own. Possibly things might not be greener on the other side but, I wont know that until I go for myself.

Any of you guys been in a similar situation?

Anyone have thoughts/commments on couples with different level of sex drives???
personally feel like for myself im on the higher end of the scale like 8/10
where as i feel shes more like 3-4/10
are we as a couple too unbalanced?

Only you know what will make you happy. If she's pulling away from sex now, it's only going to get worse as time goes on. You should have a heart to heart with her and see if you can work on things prior to breaking up. Yes, it's quite easy to lay another female or 10 these days. It's much harder to find one to build a family with.

 

[RickTheToad]

It's only natural for her to want to get married and have kids.
It's only natural for you not to. (though having kids IS the best thing that will ever happen to you)
You are way too young to get married.
Every man, and i mean EVERY man must go through period of sleeping around. You must get to the stage where you can come into any space, look around then pick the best looking woman and have your way with her. If you never experience that feeling of power you will always long for it. It's not about getting laid but being master of your destiny.
For me it happened in my late 20s to early 30s.
Then i found a woman of my dreams, got married, had kids. 10 years later we are getting amicable divorce with joint custody of kids.
I still respect her as a great mother of my kids and i'm grateful that i had kids with her but we drifted apart. She realized that she will never change me into what she wants (she got an adventurous lover of life and now she needs a husband that can be easily shaped into whatever she needs him to be at the moment) and i realized that whoever i was becoming through this marriage wasn't the person i liked anymore (of course, i also stopped liking my wife too).

Bottom line: don't get married at such a young age.

Curious. What does an amicable divorce in your eyes look like?

 

[firstbornunicorn]

How jacked are you? You can flirt with other women to get an idea of your value/attractiveness. If you're attractive to other women, your girl will realize it and her sex drive will magically change, I guarantee it.

A long relationship like this is still fulfilling, but you need to be having sex. Don't make her jealous in a childish manner, but do make yourself attractive to other women, and don't be afraid to flirt to keep your skills sharp. Something this long is worth trying to salvage, try to change the direction it's going before calling it quits if you decide to.

 

[2Rocky]

I married at 21, while in college. Managed to make it last for 20 years. Got some good kids out of it. But ultimately grew apart. Wish I'd had more sex partners before settling down.

You don't know what you don't know. Especially before 25.

Sex doesn't get easier as a relationship goes on. Especially when kids come along. If you are dissatisfied NOW before kids, you will be miserable later...Either fix thator get out.

If I would have the chance to tell 19 year old me about life in my 30's and 40's, I would have said: If she is worth marrying, YOU ARE worth waiting for. I've totally eclipsed my goals I set back then, had some setbacks and built back better financially. Money will wreck a relationship and put a damper on your sex life worse than anything else.

Read Married Man Sex Life by Athol Kay (its $4.49 on kindle right now).

 

[Plinco]

Something this long is worth trying to salvage, try to change the direction it's going before calling it quits if you decide to.

Maybe, but beware of the sunk cost fallacy.

 

[Modern Man Advice]

Like the title says Ive been in my ltr for sometime from a young age. My partner in recently yrs has become more persistent about marriage.
I do care for her however, I started feeling uneasy when intimacy and ultimatums started being used for her own leverage.
I caved after a long dragged out discussion an proposed to her. I hoped things like intimacy would improve an they did for a time after. Prior to engagement sex was feeling forced given we are years into our relationship have gotten comfortable. I was always being the one to initiate sex. It had turned into a chore for her and it felt transactional.

Then I read the rational male and was unplugged so to speak. My perspective change an I haven't been letting the cookie be dangled in-front of me anymore.
I stopped asking and pursuing it all together. Changed a few things in my routine an the script as since changed.

Still I cant help but feel I would be doing myself a disservice if I didn't go out and sow my oats. I don't want to enter marriage having never spun plates or refined my skills. Especially entering my late 20s coming into my own. Possibly things might not be greener on the other side but, I wont know that until I go for myself.

Any of you guys been in a similar situation?

Anyone have thoughts/commments on couples with different level of sex drives???
personally feel like for myself im on the higher end of the scale like 8/10
where as i feel shes more like 3-4/10
are we as a couple too unbalanced?

Do you live up to your username? Meaning, do you feel like you feel you've achieved and built yourself individually to where you are in a place to share that with someone, provide for someone, and more importantly feel fulfilled?

See, getting married is not a bad deal if you take the necessary legal precautions, and you have experienced and built yourself up to a place you feel solid. That is you as an individual.

Also caring is not the same as loving and genuinely desiring. Sounds like you are being forced to which can only be problematic in the near future.

Take a step back and be honest with yourself.


Modern Man Advice

 

[Timerist]

personally feel like for myself im on the higher end of the scale like 8/10
where as i feel shes more like 3-4/10
are we as a couple too unbalanced?

the reason why men cant get laid is cus of men like you "8/10" dating uglys "3/10" instead of their own league

 

[Barrister]

It's only natural for her to want to get married and have kids.
It's only natural for you not to. (though having kids IS the best thing that will ever happen to you)
You are way too young to get married.
Every man, and i mean EVERY man must go through period of sleeping around. You must get to the stage where you can come into any space, look around then pick the best looking woman and have your way with her. If you never experience that feeling of power you will always long for it. It's not about getting laid but being master of your destiny.
For me it happened in my late 20s to early 30s.
Then i found a woman of my dreams, got married, had kids. 10 years later we are getting amicable divorce with joint custody of kids.
I still respect her as a great mother of my kids and i'm grateful that i had kids with her but we drifted apart. She realized that she will never change me into what she wants (she got an adventurous lover of life and now she needs a husband that can be easily shaped into whatever she needs him to be at the moment) and i realized that whoever i was becoming through this marriage wasn't the person i liked anymore (of course, i also stopped liking my wife too).

Bottom line: don't get married at such a young age.

Wanting to sleep around never disappears. Even when I am in an LTR I want to look around. This is just naturally how men are wired. In fact, once you have tasted the success of a variety of different hot women active in your life at once, I think it almost gets to be more of a challenge settling for one in some ways even if she is hot herself. Once the excitement begins to wear off of that LTR the calling of getting back into the game is stronger than if you have never had any success with it. My two cents.

 

[samspade]

the reason why men cant get laid is cus of men like you "8/10" dating uglys "3/10" instead of their own league

I thought that's what he meant too, but I realized he's talking about sex drive.

 

[Focal core]

the reason why men cant get laid is cus of men like you "8/10" dating uglys "3/10" instead of their own league

looks like she has no better option than op.