nicksaiz65 Odyssey

[nicksaiz65]

I've Found my Hairstyle

I turned in the program. I decided to give myself a haircut afterwards. I hadn't had a cut in 5 weeks. Hadn't Self Cut in a while either but I need to learn. If I'm gonna pay off my student loans, I've gotta be able to Self Cut. Haircuts can cost nearly $1000 a year if you get them every 2 weeks. $2000 if you like a cut every week, which I do honestly.

Fvck Tapers. A Low Drop Fade with 360 Waves is gonna be my style from now on. I find fades so much easier to cut compared to Tapers. I tried to do a taper at first but it looked awful so I finessed it into a fade. I have to say, I cut a mean ass blend. I'm really happy with how it came out.

I messed up my hairline though. I shouldn't have touched it. My hairline is naturally like a rainbow. I don't know how to fix that. I'll have to consult with internet barbers.

With my fades, I will trust what the Self Cut System 2.0 is telling me.

But long story short I'm saving money and feeling great. With more practice and growth I'll learn the hairline. Then I'll be saving myself thousands of dollars and be fulfilling my dreams of being a Waver/barber.

Before:

http://imgur.com/a/NVVlPjD

After:
Low Drop Fade

http://imgur.com/a/DiVkZuh

Low Drop Fade Sideshot

http://imgur.com/a/uS4RL6J

 

[nicksaiz65]

How I Want my Hair to Look:

http://imgur.com/a/YvWeqy7

I think I did a damn good job copying the fade considering that this is professional and I have no barber training! Now that my hair is low I need to brush brush brush to get my hair looking like that. Maybe I'll start listening to that new Robert Greene audiobook.

 

[nicksaiz65]

Responsibility

Also, no more of this 6 deadlines in 7 days BS ever again. I'm using Google Calendars now so I can't get blindsided by that stuff ever again

 

[nicksaiz65]

Not feeling school whatsoever today guys... I swear the only thing that gets me out of bed is the desire to be a DJ/PUA and stunt. That's my life I suppose.

Last week was literally the worst week of my life with the deadlines back to back to back. Big deadlines too!

 

[nicksaiz65]

Found my Hairstyle

Sigh, just found out my fade wasn't blended right. Back to the Tapers.

I won't give up. One of my goals is to be a Self Cutting 360 Waver who's killing life. And his **** is on spin. I swear I will learn and perfect this stuff. I want to save money by not going to the barber and be cool by being able to cut my hair whenever.

Low Taper will be the style.

I need to save money, watch barber videos, and have a chop whenever.

I'll wear a hat, let this grow back, and keep brushing in the meantime. If Nick Wavy or Enemy Cutz can do it then so can I.

I have to learn to Self Cut. I will be a Self Cutting Elite Waver, one of the big dogs. Then I'll keep that style for life because it's who I am. I'd rather mess up now and save money in the long run.

I will save this money and get this convenience!!!

 

[nicksaiz65]

Music Composition

Tried to work on my music purpose today. My compositions suck. I'm not writing another damn note until I read some books on writing music. I've got Writers' Block.

 

[GrowingPains]

Nick,

I hope these messages find you well. LYD really put the tough love on you here, mate. Lots to think about. Definitely worth considering a lot mentioned and unmentioned here. In your thinking, take your time. I have been practicing this recently as usually the best outcome does not come from sporadic thought.

I have some things to add, but I wanna know what you have to say and what questions you have about what she's posed. So I'll hold off until you respond so that the conversation can fully develop.

Be breezy.

And if this causes you to think negatively about your life... remember that you only get one of these miracles... why waste it by taking it. Make the most of it by living it to the fullest. We are young af, the possibilities are endless. You just need a reality check, then you can go cash that mfer in for some life gains.

This lyrics resonated with me recently:

"What's between heaven and hell? A brand new me."
- Mac Miller, Ascension

"Yeah, they ask me what I'm smilin' for
Well, because I've never been this high before
It's like I never felt alive before
Mhmm, I'd rather have me peace of mind than war
See me and you, we ain't that different
I struck the **** out and then I came back swingin'
Take my time to finish, mind my business
A life ain't a life 'til you live it
I was diggin' me a hole big enough to bury my soul
Weight of the world, I gotta carry my own
My own, with these songs I can carry you home
I'm right here when you scared and alone"
- Mac Miller, 2009

Damn I got quotes/references for everything.

 

[GrowingPains]

All of this stuff you think you need to do physically isn't going to end up fixing yourself on the inside. Until this gets fixed you are probably going to struggle.

 

[nicksaiz65]

[QUOTE="LiveYourDream, post: 2631420, ]
I really appreciate the write-up and I agree with much of what you say: this time I'm going to defend myself a bit though. I honestly think I've been doing much better.

As for starting last minute, I've been doing much better about that. The issues I was having were with OOP Program 1 and Databases. I started OOP 2 Weeks out and Databases a week out. I couldn't figure out OOP for the life of me. I got tutoring, I sat in front of the screen for hours... Just nothing doing. I was able to finish Databases but that was one of the most obnoxious programs I've had the displeasure of doing. I just couldn't solve the program in OOP, it didn't work. So idk what to say on that. I passed everything else and my average was looking like a 78. But take away Program 1 and it becomes a 68. Fvck.

I know it seems all I talk about is DJing from here. But on a real day of my life, I'm actually just running around doing school stuff, classes, et cetera. My mind just tends to wander to Game when I take my breaks so I end up posting on here. I promise I'm not just sitting around watching Game videos lol. It's just my mind tends to wander to it throughout the day and I like to post here to gather my thoughts. As I go throughout the tedium of my day, y'know? The Game stuff helps me take my mind off things for a few minutes. Game is dynamic so I always have new stuff on it. Classes? Study... Do the programs... Not much to say

I'll go ahead and make the discussion public that I was having about these classes. I made a D in Calculus 2 the first time. So I'm retaking it now. But I was looking at the Undergraduate Path and that may be enough to move on. I'd just have to take MATH 3070 instead of MATH 3410. If that's the case, I'm done with Cal 2. Out of every class I've ever taken, there's been none I hate more than Cal 2. It's the most frustrating, annoying, obnoxious class I've ever dealt with.

I hope I don't make a D in Databases. I SHOULD make a C if things go according to my plan. But I'm just preparing for the worst case scenario in case my program bombs or something like that. And if it does, do I have to retake it? If I pass, I'm not looking back. That class is frigging hard and I don't wanna do it again.

I'm sorry but I can't ever give up on this CS degree. If it's not CS, I don't wanna do anything at all. I love music, and cutting hair is cool, but my dream is to be a programmer AND musician. My transcript is pretty bad but I'm just gonna do the out of sight out of mind thing on this one.

I realize I've fvcked up with the money. As soon as I graduate and get a job, I'm gonna live on half my income. With the other half, I will pay off student loans and give my parents $40,000 as an apology.

As for getting thrown out? I'd have to fail absolutely everything next semester. I'm still in the clear for this semester.

And as for getting help I don't have a defense for that. I'm still running from my problems and barely staying afloat with classes.

In high school, I had a 3.6. I was determined to prove to everyone that I was the best. I did that my first semester of college but then the CS stuff got frustrating and I gave up.

I honestly feel like I'm doing better this semester thanks to you guys.

I've been avoiding my advisor like the plague. My transcript is cancer lol. I can't go see her with grades like that! She teaches a lot of the classes I fvcked up in!!! How embarrassing! I told myself I won't talk to her until I have a really good semester.

Sorry if this sounds like I'm not open to feedback or abrasive, but I honestly think this semester I have some things to defend towards myself

@LiveYourDream

 

[nicksaiz65]

Nick,

I hope these messages find you well. LYD really put the tough love on you here, mate. Lots to think about. Definitely worth considering a lot mentioned and unmentioned here. In your thinking, take your time. I have been practicing this recently as usually the best outcome does not come from sporadic thought.

I have some things to add, but I wanna know what you have to say and what questions you have about what she's posed. So I'll hold off until you respond so that the conversation can fully develop.

Be breezy.

And if this causes you to think negatively about your life... remember that you only get one of these miracles... why waste it by taking it. Make the most of it by living it to the fullest. We are young af, the possibilities are endless. You just need a reality check, then you can go cash that mfer in for some life gains.

This lyrics resonated with me recently:

"What's between heaven and hell? A brand new me."
- Mac Miller, Ascension

"Yeah, they ask me what I'm smilin' for
Well, because I've never been this high before
It's like I never felt alive before
Mhmm, I'd rather have me peace of mind than war
See me and you, we ain't that different
I struck the **** out and then I came back swingin'
Take my time to finish, mind my business
A life ain't a life 'til you live it
I was diggin' me a hole big enough to bury my soul
Weight of the world, I gotta carry my own
My own, with these songs I can carry you home
I'm right here when you scared and alone"
- Mac Miller, 2009

Damn I got quotes/references for everything.

Mac Miller is awesome. Love his music.

I think this'd be a good direction to turn the conversation as well.

Why am I so obsessed with waves and clothes and all that fun stuff? Y'know, my best friend called me out on this, and it was super similar to what you guys were saying, but he said I'm just hiding and overcompensating. @LiveYourDream you said something about a persona of myself? Well he was like I'm using these clothes, waves, muscles and so on just to hide. I'm just using them as a shield to try and feel better about myself and put up this false front.

But is there anything wrong with that? Honestly? If I were ripped, athletic, had good grades, could dance, was an elite Waver etc. etc. I bet my life that I'd feel confident. Even if it's just a front.

Actually @LiveYourDream now that I think about it... The whole reason I came to SS was "I hate my life. I'm gonna create a new self, destroy the old one, and have that be my facade"

Whether that's a good or bad thing is open to interpretation. That's just the way I see the world tbh.

 

[nicksaiz65]

And to add to this, I have no idea how that would even start. This goes even deeper than half the "inner game" articles I've read

 

[nicksaiz65]

And @LiveYourDream I'd agree, I am immature. But I have to get a CSC Degree. If I dont, that's equivalent to me giving up on myself. It has to be from my University too. Even if it's not the most fun coding all night(which I did this week) I swear I'll do it. It's funny how all this struggle is for a piece of paper like you said lol.

I was made fun of a lot growing up, which led me to Game. Then I started having some success.

I suspect what happened was that I was so determined to prove that I was the smartest. That anger kept me pushing through school. When I got the grades I wanted, I felt I had proved to myself that I was smart. Then I slacked off and school murdered me.

Are you saying school is supposed to be fun with these breakneck classes? Idk. I always thought it was supposed to be frustrating for everyone.

I know nothing, so I have to rely on the internet to compensate. That's all I can do. I don't know how to socialize, dress, date, study, code... So I figured the internet will solve my problems. I know that sounds super dumb.

I'll be at school a while longer but I'm happy about that tbh. It'll give me longer to work and kill life. And I'll pay my parents back.

I will never ever ever ever ever forgive myself if I don't have a CS Degree

 

[GrowingPains]

I can't go see her with grades like that! I told myself I won't talk to her until I have a really good semester.

What do you think she's going to do if you talk to her and tell her, your advisor, that you need her advice? Do you think she'll berate you for going through a hard time? Don't be so proud that it keeps you from succeeding. Your support system is there to support you. If you don't interact with your support system... You're all on your own. And you may feel that you have one here but your friends, family and academic advisors can do so much more for you if you than we can if you give the same honesty that you do here to them.

So inner game, right... Let's talk about it. A while back I said shared a quote - nothing new. But I think you missed the point and I didn't really acknowledge it. It was "I redefined myself, first I had to find it". To me this means that in order to become a better version of yourself, you need to be brutally honest with who you are currently. Identify the demons and then face those motherfvckers head on. This takes an immense amount of self relfection, consideration of your own observations and others, and action.

I agree with your friend, you are hiding from who you really are. And it's been presented by myself and others here that this is your true issue. In fact, I'd argue that because of your desire to be something you're not so strongly, you've missed the essence of being a DJ. Which is being comfortable with yourself. This is not to say stay where you are and never improve. But that you should be doing things for your own and not other's approval. If you build a beautiful home on a crappy foundation, it will fail. And that is what you're setting yourself up for. Do you cut your hair a certain way because it makes you feel like a champion? Or do you do it for the hoes? Do you workout because it's good for your well-being? Or do you do it for the hoes? Do you make songs because you enjoy the creative process and want to make music you enjoy even if no one else does? Or do you do it for the hoes? Do you improve because you see it necessary for what you deem a worthwhile life.. or do you do it for the validation of others?

You have run from the inner game improvement for too long. And it is what's truly hurting you. You know I've also gone through similar experiences from what I've briefly detailed here and in more in-depth PM's. So I'm coming to you from a place of understanding and relatability. Your ego is too big, and it's because of it's size that it is so fragile. Your pride is self-limiting, you put on a facade for those around you to believe you're something you're not. Your mind is in the wrong place. Whether you claim you spend most of your time on classes or not, it is clear by what you talk about that the distribution of your thoughts is mainly non-academic/purpose related. I can relate. But you need to find a way to flip the script. You cannot take on the world until you take yourself on. And you are taking on too much to realize that.

So why do you run from yourself? Are you afraid of what you'll find? Why are you afraid to share with others? I think you'll find it much more liberating, as I have, to share who you really are and what you're really experiencing than to hide it from others and yourself.

It will only truly get better when you decide to be honest with it.

 

[nicksaiz65]

Alright, I'll be 100% transparent with you guys, no covering up, no trying to look cool, any of that.

This might be a pretty long response.

I really hate opening up my emotions and talking about how I feel and all that because that's me moving into my feminine and it makes me vulnerable. But I'll do it since this is a pretty big issue

 

[nicksaiz65]

I agree @nicksaiz65 you have made some efforts. They were steps in a better direction. I agree. You can be proud of those. I apologize that I did not acknowledge them. I was not intending to say you were the same in your efforts or worse.

To be frank, sometimes you put out 'excuses' that are frankly BS weak cover-ups, for what was a by-product of your own choices all along, adding up. When you engage outings or lots of P/U videos before getting your work done and then wonder what happened when you are at deadline and cramming or missing it. To be frank, you offer excuses sometimes, when you simply should own it. The fact that you act or suggest you are a victim to some outside thing is BS. No one here buys that. Why are you selling it to yourself? You create your world!!!!

I am not pushing you in any one direction. I am not attached or think one is better than the other. You are the captain of your ship. Your current results say the house is on fire. It's time to figure out why?????

You can repaint the house, reroof the house, put in new landscaping, add a pool, invite a bunch of 'hoes' over for a pool party. That is what you are doing @nicksaiz65 Meanwhile YOUR HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!!!

Getting better at texting, approaching, brushing out your waves while you sit in a chair by the pool and YOUR HOUSE IS ON FIRE.

Trying to logically model and map out a successful diagram with picking up emotional females while YOUR HOUSE IS ON FIRE.

Trying to decide which P/U artist is the one to follow for day game, night game, "hoe" game, while YOUR HOUSE IS ON FIRE.

Cramming for exams and projects, worrying about your fraternity, while YOUR HOUSE IS ON FIRE.

I think you get the point. YOUR HOUSE IS ON FIRE.

You can runaround it, ignore it, look the other way, dress it different, it is still your house and IT IS STILL ON FIRE.

You can look away longer, you can ignore it longer, what do you think happens then????

Best handle it now. Not ion the surface. Not the facade. What is it, in the house that is on fire??? What needs to be attended to??? What is itr that will truly put it out???? What is REALLY NEEDED????

Ok... let's start with my victim mentality. Honestly I feel wronged. Why me? Why do I have to suck at everything when everyone else gets it so naturally? Everyone else with their perfect grades, hair, clothes, Natural Dating Ability.... all the motivation in my life comes from "I'm gonna one up these people if it's the last thing I do."

I'll own up to the cramming part on Databases Program 2. The one I barely finished. This hoe that I was a bit infatuated with invited me out and I went for the opportunity. That's 100% my fault. I'm an idiot, and I put going out ahead of doing my work. The slut didn't even like me back or have my number saved. 100% my own doing.

But on the last two projects, I promise you I started early. I said I would do just a bit of Program 1 over Spring Break and do the rest once I got back and could get help. Should've pored over the program the whole break and forced it to work.

I can see that Inner Game is a huge issue. I've been saying that too. But how tf do you work on it if not fixing the sh*t in your life? I don't know and I don't understand. I'm not retorting, I'm honestly asking. All the PUAs say to fix the sh*t in your life and the inner game solves itself.

Let's hypothetically say this was a perfect universe. I had a 4.0 GPA and went to an Ivy League School, I was rich, rocked nice duds, had perfect waves, was a musical prodigy, had super tight Game, and was a bodybuilder with huge muscles and rock hard six pack abs.

That's what I aspire to be but that's another conversation.

Would we even be having this conversation right now if that were the case?

I'm honestly curious. I think the answer to that question will help frame some other ones.

 

[GrowingPains]

Yo bro I'm at the gym rn about to eat some mf plates. But I wanted to get this quick response in since I saw your message.

The challenge I pose isn't to be transparent with us. It means almost nothing to do that. It's like keyboard jockeying in a way. Even though I understand thats not your intent. We can't hold you accountable. We don't have a face. You can't let us down. The people physically in your life and yourself are the only ones who can. My challenge for you is to live out your honesty in those relationships because that's what will change.

 

[nicksaiz65]

What do you think she's going to do if you talk to her and tell her, your advisor, that you need her advice? Do you think she'll berate you for going through a hard time? Don't be so proud that it keeps you from succeeding. Your support system is there to support you. If you don't interact with your support system... You're all on your own. And you may feel that you have one here but your friends, family and academic advisors can do so much more for you if you than we can if you give the same honesty that you do here to them.

So inner game, right... Let's talk about it. A while back I said shared a quote - nothing new. But I think you missed the point and I didn't really acknowledge it. It was "I redefined myself, first I had to find it". To me this means that in order to become a better version of yourself, you need to be brutally honest with who you are currently. Identify the demons and then face those motherfvckers head on. This takes an immense amount of self relfection, consideration of your own observations and others, and action.

I agree with your friend, you are hiding from who you really are. And it's been presented by myself and others here that this is your true issue. In fact, I'd argue that because of your desire to be something you're not so strongly, you've missed the essence of being a DJ. Which is being comfortable with yourself. This is not to say stay where you are and never improve. But that you should be doing things for your own and not other's approval. If you build a beautiful home on a crappy foundation, it will fail. And that is what you're setting yourself up for. Do you cut your hair a certain way because it makes you feel like a champion? Or do you do it for the hoes? Do you workout because it's good for your well-being? Or do you do it for the hoes? Do you make songs because you enjoy the creative process and want to make music you enjoy even if no one else does? Or do you do it for the hoes? Do you improve because you see it necessary for what you deem a worthwhile life.. or do you do it for the validation of others?

You have run from the inner game improvement for too long. And it is what's truly hurting you. You know I've also gone through similar experiences from what I've briefly detailed here and in more in-depth PM's. So I'm coming to you from a place of understanding and relatability. Your ego is too big, and it's because of it's size that it is so fragile. Your pride is self-limiting, you put on a facade for those around you to believe you're something you're not. Your mind is in the wrong place. Whether you claim you spend most of your time on classes or not, it is clear by what you talk about that the distribution of your thoughts is mainly non-academic/purpose related. I can relate. But you need to find a way to flip the script. You cannot take on the world until you take yourself on. And you are taking on too much to realize that.

So why do you run from yourself? Are you afraid of what you'll find? Why are you afraid to share with others? I think you'll find it much more liberating, as I have, to share who you really are and what you're really experiencing than to hide it from others and yourself.

It will only truly get better when you decide to be honest with it.

Okay, 100% honest on this one too.

I don't wanna go to that office, get chewed out by a teacher that I respect and have her tear into me, "why are you even a student with grades like this" because it'd hurt too badly. I can't have that in my life. She's a really cool teacher, and I can't show my face in that office since I failed a class that she taught. I know it's dumb but that's my reasoning.

You wanna hear a really funny story? I've been going to a different advisor all the way across campus who isn't even in my department so I can avoid her. And my current advisor sent me an e-mail. I read the first few sentences "Hi Nick, I took a look at your transcript and..." I instantly closed the e-mail and had to delete it. This CS stuff is already crazy challenging and if I hear that kind of talk it's just gonna discourage me even more. But now that I'm using books, the internet and so on, as long as I start early there's zero reason I shouldn't make it through this program.

And honestly bro, I'm still a loser. I joined this site because I didn't want to be one anymore. I've failed at so much shyt in my life it's honestly impressive. I'm less of a loser than the year ago I started this journal, yes. But this is gonna take fvcking YEARS to get to where I want to be. It's not a lack of knowledge like it used to be. I know what I need to do.

I talk a lot on this website because I told myself that I'm not gonna feel emotions anymore and I'm gonna be a logical, masculine robot. I can't tell the people in real life this stuff. If there's one thing I hate, it's looking weak, vulnerable, or needy. I try to portray myself as an emotionless robot who has his life under control to the general public anyways. The root cause is that my sh*ts not together. If it were, I guess that it would solve at least 60% of the problem.

And honestly bro, my mind does wander a lot. I'll give you that. But I honestly truly don't spend all day on Game sites or videos. I'm in class, studying and whatnot. I just do this on my breaks. Why would I want to think about school during my breaks? I honestly hate it. It's soooo stressful. Not that the classes aren't kind of cool, but I'll be damned if I'm not a CS Graduate. Gotta do what you gotta do. I don't want this stuff in my breaks. I'll be working, reach the point where I want to tear my hair out, post on SS or watch 5 minutes of a Game video, then back to it. C'est la vie, right? I feel like I'm either attacking school, which is haunting me, or working towards having Game(not having Game haunts me too.) But I'm rambling again.

You guys are tearing into me on a C grade, but my average is like a 78! I honestly don't think that's horrible, and I've honestly been studying. I could do better, yes, one step at a time.

I don't even know how I'd share this stuff with others. The closest I've come is accidentally breaking down crying when I was with my friends. I swore I'd never let something that embarrassing happen again.

These extra years in school will be my new start.

I was hoping I could confide in you guys, fix my sh*t, and then do the same as I always have with dealing with others. Not good enough, huh?

If my academics weren't so sh*t, this wouldn't even be happening... I've really let my life become a mess. It was so good before.

I WILL FIX THIS BULLSH*T IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO. I'm supposed to be killing my academics and slowly be learning Game. Lmao that failed. But I'll fix it if it's the last thing I do

 

[GrowingPains]

Would we even be having this conversation right now if that were the case?

Yes. Because none of that can fix your inner game.

That's paint on a burning house. The problem is elsewhere. Consider big Dave as an example. He claims to be fit. Attractive. Wealthy. And well off socially. Let's assume all of that is true. Where do you think his issue is if he's not having success?

 

[nicksaiz65]

Yo bro I'm at the gym rn about to eat some mf plates. But I wanted to get this quick response in since I saw your message.

The challenge I pose isn't to be transparent with us. It means almost nothing to do that. It's like keyboard jockeying in a way. Even though I understand thats not your intent. We can't hold you accountable. We don't have a face. You can't let us down. The people physically in your life and yourself are the only ones who can. My challenge for you is to live out your honesty in those relationships because that's what will change.

Like who? My parents? My siblings? My fraternity brothers? Ideally, I am supposed to be able to tell them anything.

I haven't talked to my Mom or Dad in nearly 3 weeks. I talk to my sister pretty much every day.

I could talk to my frat brothers(we're supposed to be able to tell each other anything) but I'm so tired of looking like a weak. lazy, no game little b*tch.

I re-iterate, IF I JUST HAD GOOD GRADES THIS WOULDN'T EVEN BE HAPPENING. So stupid. So fvcking stupid

 

[nicksaiz65]

Yes. Because none of that can fix your inner game.

That's paint on a burning house. The problem is elsewhere. Consider big Dave as an example. He claims to be fit. Attractive. Wealthy. And well off socially. Let's assume all of that is true. Where do you think his issue is if he's not having success?

On the inside. Boy, that sounds familiar. So even if my sh*t was perfect it'd just come out in other areas of my life?