"We have to talk. I'm moving out."

[Bible_Belt]

WHY would you limit your OWN happiness?

That's what a bad relationship does. I've been in several. Everything deteriorates until you spend most of your time hating each other.

I think you can get younger woman and better looking

I agree. I posted earlier that she moved out Saturday morning and that night I had at least somewhat of a date with a girl ten years younger than me, who asked me out. I didn't fvck her, but I have several times before. This is not about me being afraid I can't get someone else. It's more about me knowing that whoever else I would end up with would eventually just get on my nerves, either in bed or out of bed, or both.

My 21 y/o cousin lives across the street from me. He got married last summer to his only girlfriend ever, dated since high school and lived together the past three years. She's a beautiful blonde, maybe not the brightest light on the tree, but she loves him. They were fighting today. He was screaming at her in the front yard. She's a horrible driver and had just had another flat tire. He kept calling her "stupid" and "dumbass." I kept thinking, "even if she is stupid, calling her that is not helping your cause."

I remember his father and mother (my aunt & uncle) fighting exactly the same way at that age. They stuck out marriage for a long time, but she eventually left him, and within a few years, he killed himself with a pill overdose. He couldn't stand to be alone, so he would pick up any ghetto pillhead who would talk to him. It was some skank's morphine that killed him.

 

[zekko]

Roth's Iron Rule of Marriage: It's impossible for you to be happier than your spouse.

I don't believe in "iron" rules, because there will always be exceptions. But I understand the saying. It's not about limiting your own happiness. It's just that if your spouse is not happy, she will make damn sure you aren't either. I remember when my marriage went south, she basically became a source of misery for me, because she was always unhappy, grouchy, and had a bone to pick. It was my failure to let it affect me though, I should have kept a stronger frame. I don't think there was any win in that situation though.

I think she left because he offer no value to her , now when he going to propose marriage and take responsibility of the kid , she will review her decision because there is a value in staying with him.

Yeah, good point, the value theory is a strong one, IMO. The whole @sshole business is stupid, for the most part, although there are always women who will want to be abused. If a guy is offering her value, she will likely overlook the @ssholian behavior. If she isn't getting value, she won't.

I've never bought into the whole "the worse you treat her, the more she will want you" business. That may work short term, if you are into quick pump and dumps, but it's not going to work long term. Not with anything resembling a quality woman.

 

[Augustus_McCrae]

Bible,

For what it's worth, be very careful with this. She's off birth control and now, magically everything is great and you're going at it like rabbits?

Unless you are ready to have a baby and live in a sexless marriage or want to pay her child support for 18 years, think long and hard man.

Try to step back and look at what's really happening here.

Good luck...

-Augustus

 

[lgbs2004]

Bible,

For what it's worth, be very careful with this. She's off birth control and now, magically everything is great and you're going at it like rabbits?

Unless you are ready to have a baby and live in a sexless marriage or want to pay her child support for 18 years, think long and hard man.

Try to step back and look at what's really happening here.

Good luck...

-Augustus

I was thinking the same thing.

 

[Zarky]

I'm starting to hope that this is an epic troll by BB.

 

[Lexington]

One of the side effects of her old birth control is weight gain.

This is rationalization to the max. Oral contraceptives cause only a small amount of weight gain if any at all....usually temporary. They caused more weight gain back in the day when they contained lots of estrogen, but the amount has been greatly reduced in modern formulations.

Depo-Provera, which is a shot given once every 3 months was found to cause an average of 11lbs over 3 years and a 3% increase in body fat (http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/03/090304182111.htm). That's the worst offender.

It's very unlikely that birth control would account for 40 to 80lbs worth of weight gain. It's more likely that this girl is fat because of poor dietary and lifestyle choices. Is it possible she'll turn things around at age 37? It is, but it's unlikely.

 

[cordoncordon]

This is rationalization to the max. Oral contraceptives cause only a small amount of weight gain if any at all....usually temporary. They caused more weight gain back in the day when they contained lots of estrogen, but the amount has been greatly reduced in modern formulations.

Depo-Provera, which is a shot given once every 3 months was found to cause an average of 11lbs over 3 years and a 3% increase in body fat (http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/03/090304182111.htm). That's the worst offender.

It's very unlikely that birth control would account for 40 to 80lbs worth of weight gain. It's more likely that this girl is fat because of poor dietary and lifestyle choices. Is it possible she'll turn things around at age 37? It is, but it's unlikely.

My fiance has been on birth control for years and weighs 115 pounds. Then again she eats well and works out 5 days a week.

Again I think he is rationalizing. People don't gain 40-80 pounds unless they massively overeat and live the docile life of a turtle.

 

[Bible_Belt]

She was on the nuva ring, not the pill. The maker of the nuva ring lists weight gain as one of the common side effects:

http://www.nuvaring.com/Consumer/risks-and-side-effects/

 

[Zarky]

Sorry BB, you're convincing no one but yourself.

Congrats on your almost-9000th post though.

 

[Victory Unlimited]

Bible Belt,

First, much RESPECT to you for all the wisdom you’ve dropped on us here at So Suave for YEARS now. It’s much appreciated and not taken for granted.

On the subject at hand, I only have two questions for you:

1, What makes you believe that your “second chance” at having a relationship with this particular woman will be happier and more fulfilling to you than your first go around?

2, “If” this woman (and your relationship with her) NEVER improved---or if it just went back to the same, unsatisfactory way that it was---do you think you’d be happy staying tied to her (via children and/or Marriage) for the rest of your life?

 

[Bible_Belt]

Thanks.

What makes you believe that your “second chance” at having a relationship with this particular woman will be happier and more fulfilling to you than your first go around?

Because now I understand that the difference between being happy and not being happy is all in my head. It's the same relationship, but I can choose to hate it and be miserable, or to make the most of it and be happy. I had the same issues in previous relationships and never did seem to learn.

We just went from sex once a month to almost twice a day. I have never heard of such a thing happening in a relationship. Tonight was wild. Forgive me for being graphic, but it has been several years since she was horny enough to beg me for anal sex. I was joking with her later that I'm pretty sure that's not how babies are made.

“If” this woman (and your relationship with her) NEVER improved---or if it just went back to the same, unsatisfactory way that it was---do you think you’d be happy staying tied to her (via children and/or Marriage) for the rest of your life?

It has improved tremendously right now, for both of us. I think I will always be tied to her in some way, even if we broke up, because we both live in the same small town and know so many of the same people. If she had my kid and then we split up, I still don't think I would regret it. I don't even think she would turn me in to child support. We've know each other over twenty years, and I think we are at the point of always at least caring about each other even if we do not end up together. That's part of why I want to be with her.

I see people denying who they love all the time. Exes pretend to hate each other. Every guy thinks they have to hate their ex-wife. Even people who have never been together will stay apart because they deny their own feelings out of fear. People are scared to admit who they care about, because it makes them vulnerable.

 

[Lexington]

She was on the nuva ring, not the pill. The maker of the nuva ring lists weight gain as one of the common side effects:

http://www.nuvaring.com/Consumer/risks-and-side-effects/

Yeah it's a side effect but it doesn't account for 40-80lbs. Perhaps the birth control was a minor contributor. The worst offender for weight gain is Depo Provera and even that caused an average of 11 lbs over 3 years. A lot of women use birth control as an excuse, but their weight gain is more often than not more attributable to poor lifestyle and dietary choices.

 

[Married Buried]

I see people denying who they love all the time. Exes pretend to hate each other. Every guy thinks they have to hate their ex-wife. Even people who have never been together will stay apart because they deny their own feelings out of fear. People are scared to admit who they care about, because it makes them vulnerable.

I really do hate mine. It's the "Thank god every day I did not get stuck with that woman for life" kind of hate. I really want nothing to do with them, and wouldn't care if they died in a horrific car crash and burned to death.

 

[Bible_Belt]

I believe you that you feel that way. It's a coping mechanism, though, maybe an effective one too, but the hate is a way to deal with a lot of other feelings regarding both her and yourself.

 

[Zarky]

We just went from sex once a month to almost twice a day. I have never heard of such a thing happening in a relationship.

Happens every time there's an acrimonious separation and then a reconciliation. Extremely common in relationships. Some couples repeatedly break up and then get back together to re-experience those types of feelings. Unfortunately it doesn't last very long.

Ah well, I think this thread has received enough of my time. But I will continue to monitor it to see my predictions come true. Carry on.

 

[muscleman]

BB, I read through this thread and it's painful, but I understand how you feel, I really do. I've been in enough relationships to 'get it', the connection that's hard to break despite the rationale behind it. I could post a very lengthy reply, and I may, but for now I'd like to give you a little primer, or a refresher if you will:

1) How to get over your ex. As you read this, I'm sure a few points will ring a bell. Things you stopped doing, etc.

2) The basic core of relationships.

3) CH's 16 commandments of poon - read them again.

4) You both basically got 'fat and happy' together. You said yourself you gave up on a bunch of stuff. Women have a way of domesticating men. They say they want it, but they really don't. It's something YOU have to fight because it's a choice YOU make.

5) Whatever your relationship is, or will be, with her - just ask yourself if it's helping you achieve your higher goals or not. That is, if you have higher goals. If you don't, you need to get off your ass and make some.

Good luck.

 

[Married Buried]

I believe you that you feel that way. It's a coping mechanism, though, maybe an effective one too, but the hate is a way to deal with a lot of other feelings regarding both her and yourself.

What are you talking about? Most of my exes are fat now (no offense), knocked up, collecting child support, making the lives of men miserable. Why do I need a coping mechanism? I thank god it's not me they are making miserable.

Hopefully it won't be you being miserable.

 

[Die Hard]

What BB is going through reminds me a lot of the typical BPD cycles guys go through with a BPD bytch.

His situation is just a lot less extreme and not as explicit, but the same underlying dynamics are at play. The same dynamics between the guy and the woman, but also the same dynamics inside the guy's own mind.

"If I just treat her better, we'll live happily ever after. And everytime she starts acting up, I can solve that by treating her better..."

Yeah right......

 

[Married Buried]

What BB is going through reminds me a lot of the typical BPD cycles guys go through with a BPD bytch.

His situation is just a lot less extreme and not as explicit, but the same underlying dynamics are at play. The same dynamics between the guy and the woman, but also the same dynamics inside the guy's own mind.

"If I just treat her better, we'll live happily ever after. And everytime she starts acting up, I can solve that by treating her better..."

Yeah right......

If she is 80 pounds over NOW, imagine what she will be after she has a kid.

 

[Boilermaker]

We just went from sex once a month to almost twice a day. I have never heard of such a thing happening in a relationship. Tonight was wild. Forgive me for being graphic, but it has been several years since she was horny enough to beg me for anal sex. I was joking with her later that I'm pretty sure that's not how babies are made.

I hope you realize that this is a transient period, and you'll revert back to whatever your sex "norm" is, in no time. I have expressed sympathy to your sentiment, but the "data" you are providing to defend the health of your current relationship is not very reliable, right now. Come back in 6 months and try to remember the last time she "begged" you for anal sex.

All the best,