The point you perhaps miss is that many Many MANY men cannot handle direct criticism, feedback, or being called out by a woman no matter how nice or syrupy she is about it. I simply use vastly over simplified examples so the men here can appreciate the concept.
Yes I can tell my husband directly if he is being an ass hole. I was able to tell my father too, and close male friends.....and honestly these men each knew that yup, they were being a d1ck, and often would chuckle & acknowledge that yes, that was true.
But these are men who I trust and am safe with, these are men who appreciate my candor (many men are too fragile to handle it), and finally and very importantly, these men know (knew in my late father's case) that I'm not going to dissect it and punish and whine/moan/complain about something. I'm going to say. Wow. That was an ass hole move. Don't do that again, its not cool.......
But my being able to say that in such a direct way comes out of the safety and respect which mutually exists in those interactions.
In my own personal relationships I don't need to dance around with flowery language. But I also get over & move past things. We all do stupid stuff and or say stupid things at times.
But my reality is not widely applicable in all situations. Many men cannot withstand ANY critique and have extremely fragile egos.
Women learn this very early and learn indirect communication as a result more often than not. Even your suggested alternative to the example I gave seeks to soften & make less direct the criticism.
If you have to do that you are dealing with a fragile ego, which demonstrates my point.
^^Thanks BE. I
do get what you're saying and won't refute it since that's your experience. And perhaps even the experience of most or many women.
I'm not most women and I wasn't raised to verbally attack or berate men (or anyone) or angrily "call them out" when expressing negative emotions.
It's
not because I fear their reaction or believe men can't handle criticism, it's because my temperament IS softer. More gentle. I'm soft- spoken and have a refined reserved demeanor which matches my soft feminine look and style.
That's me. I've learned to use
'I feel' comments, for example "I feel confused, I feel hurt or I feel sad or disappointed or scared or whatever emotion I'm feeling."
I'm assertive but never aggressive.
Versus "
You are an a**hole,
you're being obtuse,
you're stupid,
you don't listen, YOU make me feel like crap! Like I've witnessed other women do.
This is what's natural for ME. Always has been.
It's served me well, all my boyfriends have appreciated it. Instead of an argument developing or them losing their shyt, typically I will receive an apology and I will apologize too for MY role when warranted.
I've never had an SO lose his shyt with me and I would never ever call my dad an a**hole under any circumstance - ever!
I have/had much too much respect for him for that (he's gone now). Same with boyfriends.
When I
stop respecting them, I walk away and end the relationship. Perhaps too hastily at times and I'm working on that.
I realize your style and experiences and are different and that's okay!
Different strokes.
