When Your Wife Lies to You...

[Money & Muscle]

Due to work environment and time in the gym, it's not very reasonable for me to wear a ring. This has been a problem in my wife's eyes for years, so I made a proposition: I'll get a ring tattoo (my idea) but she needs to delete her instagram, change her last name, and cut contact with someone I know was on her backup roster (she never admitted this, but WYK,YK).

She's working on the name change (takes a long time in the states), has cut contact with backup (to my knowledge, which I don't quite trust anymore), and said she needed 1 month to transfer stuff off her instagram for our daughter's school (credible reason and I allowed it). I already have the ring tattoo.

It's been about 4 months now and I had a suspicion and checked... it shows her last login was yesterday. Verizon data usage shows 3gb usage monthly since I told her to delete it. I didn't bother following up on this because I thought I could trust her. I was wrong.

I want to ask for her phone, check her IG messages, download her activity usage, and send it to my phone. I'm very seriously considering divorce at this time. She lied to me, has continued to lie to me, and I don't think I can trust her.

How would you approach this situation?

Lets try to come up with more nuanced responses than "just leave her", please and thank you.

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

Instead of some elaborate scheme to get her to come to Jesus, maybe tell her precisely what you told us. Then, ask her to explain it. Could you, in turn, hand her your phone without fallout? If not, get your phone ready to do just that, which is what she will probably ask for in turn.

 

[Money & Muscle]

Could you, in turn, hand her your phone without fallout?

yes.

I'm not going to do any scheme to confront her. My purposes for downloading activity are for legal needs. I make a fair bit of money and do not have information that would be too well guarded should this come to divorce.

Note: I don't think this will go to divorce, but I need the absolute truth from her from here on out and I WILL leave her if I find she does not give me that. The problem with this approach is that she will be far more clever and guarded with her lies, if she doesn't come to jesus.

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

Are you in the US? If so, are you in a state that has at-fault divorce?

yes.

I'm not going to do any scheme to confront her. My purposes for downloading activity are for legal needs. I make a fair bit of money and do not have information that would be too well guarded should this come to divorce.

Note: I don't think this will go to divorce, but I need the absolute truth from her from here on out and I WILL leave her if I find she does not give me that. The problem with this approach is that she will be far more clever and guarded with her lies, if she doesn't come to jesus.

 

[Money & Muscle]

Are you in the US? If so, are you in a state that has at-fault divorce?

I'm in California. I know nothing of divorce law but I know I'd lose a lot.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Trust is the backbone of any marriage and insecurity is the destroyer of that.

From what it sounds like you both have some insecurities and trust issues going on and instead of doing all this stuff on the down low, sit down with her, discuss what is going on and then decide on a solution and be up front and honest about what you want and tell her you want her to be honest about what she wants.

Seems like 2 people who aren't happy but pretending they are and who are doing things in secret because of it.

This will destroy any relationship let alone a marriage unless it is addressed.

Also, you need to get to the root cause of the problems. She is doing this as a result of what she is unhappy about...you need to find out what that is and address that, not her actions because of it if you actually want this resolved.

 

[Solomon]

OP no shade but I'm wondering you do not have the password to your wife's IG or phone?
I'm asking cause if neither party had nothing to hide than you would just be able to access it straight up

 

[Money & Muscle]

OP no shade but I'm wondering you do not have the password to your wife's IG or phone?
I'm asking cause if neither party had nothing to hide than you would just be able to access it straight up

I have her phone password. She hands her phone to me without hesitation.

IDK the password to her instagram, but I'm quite certain she's still logged into it if I went into her phone.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

I have her phone password. She hands her phone to me without hesitation.

IDK the password to her instagram, but I'm quite certain she's still logged into it if I went into her phone.

The fact you feel the need to do this already shows this relationship is in dire straights.

 

[Money & Muscle]

The fact you feel the need to do this already shows this relationship is in dire straights.

thanks, this is very actionable advice. (sarcasm)

I don't need to do it, which is why i never even followed up on her deleting her IG when I asked her to, until this morning. I caught a funny feeling and checked, then found she hadn't done as we agreed.

I haven't snooped on her. The only reason I would do so at this point is to export data for future legal use, if there is anything that warrants such things. I'm in a state that would gladly take more than half my paycheck to support her lifestyle.

 

[The Duke]

When I suspected my ex-wife was cheating and lying to me, I pulled her phone records, credit card bills, and credit report that showed a secret card I never knew she had. I threw it in front of her and told her to explain it all. She couldn't and wouldn't. I called her a liar and told her she needed to find her own place.
Divorced was final 4months later.
Your wife has some character flaws, I promise you she will lie again.

And I never wore a wedding ring. Nor did I compromise and get a ring tattoo. Just tell them how it is. I don't compromise with women.
They can like it or leave. A woman always needs to realize you have the upper hand and live in a little fear in order to respect the man.

Op, your wife doesn't do that.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

thanks, this is very actionable advice. (sarcasm)

I don't need to do it, which is why i never even followed up on her deleting her IG when I asked her to, until this morning. I caught a funny feeling and checked, then found she hadn't done as we agreed.

I haven't snooped on her. The only reason I would do so at this point is to export data for future legal use, if there is anything that warrants such things. I'm in a state that would gladly take more than half my paycheck to support her lifestyle.

This is why it never makes sense to give people ultimatums. Because it usually does not get you the result you actually want, only forces the person to go to greater lengths to hide their actions. It also makes you look weaker in her eyes for having to ask that.

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

It’s a no fault state, in here too.Don’t bother gathering any evidence of wrongdoing it isn’t admissible in court (if that was the idea).

The only valuable information would be her moving funds around or spending without your knowledge and that you could use in court to at least put it in her column.

I'm in California. I know nothing of divorce law but I know I'd lose a lot.

 

[Money & Muscle]

When I suspected my ex-wife was cheating and lying to me, I pulled her phone records, credit card bills, and credit report that showed a secret card I never knew she had. I threw it in front of her and told her to explain it all. She couldn't and wouldn't. I called her a liar and told her she needed to find her own place.
Divorced was final 4months later.
Your wife has some character flaws, I promise you she will lie again.

Would you have left her if she had only lied, but not cheated?

 

[Dr.Suave]

I'm very seriously considering divorce at this time. She lied to me, has continued to lie to me, and I don't think I can trust her.

Lets try to come up with more nuanced responses than "just leave her", please and thank you.

Hey bro. First of all, Im sorry about the situation. We are rooting for you.

"Just leave her" is not the reply you want, but maybe its the right reply. If you dont think you can trust her, why should you stay n the marriage? For the sake of the kids? To avoid a messy divorce?

Would you have left her if she had only lied, but not cheated?

Why would she lie more than once unless she is cheating or planning to cheat? I guess its possible (to lie about stuff and not actually bang the other guy) but its improbable.

 

[RickTheToad]

Due to work environment and time in the gym, it's not very reasonable for me to wear a ring. This has been a problem in my wife's eyes for years, so I made a proposition: I'll get a ring tattoo (my idea) but she needs to delete her instagram, change her last name, and cut contact with someone I know was on her backup roster (she never admitted this, but WYK,YK).

She's working on the name change (takes a long time in the states), has cut contact with backup (to my knowledge, which I don't quite trust anymore), and said she needed 1 month to transfer stuff off her instagram for our daughter's school (credible reason and I allowed it). I already have the ring tattoo.

It's been about 4 months now and I had a suspicion and checked... it shows her last login was yesterday. Verizon data usage shows 3gb usage monthly since I told her to delete it. I didn't bother following up on this because I thought I could trust her. I was wrong.

I want to ask for her phone, check her IG messages, download her activity usage, and send it to my phone. I'm very seriously considering divorce at this time. She lied to me, has continued to lie to me, and I don't think I can trust her.

How would you approach this situation?

Lets try to come up with more nuanced responses than "just leave her", please and thank you.

Depends.

If you want to give it one more shot:
This isn't working. I do not trust you. We either work on this, or we go our separate ways.

If you say fvck it, I'm done. Tell her you're done, I've filed for divorce (do the filing first; it's not a threat, it's informing her you are done with her and her bullsh!t.) You then co-parent if the kid is yours. DNA testing helps if you are unsure. I would had been gone already. Can't build a family with a liar and cheat.

 

[Barrister]

OP,

Your biggest issue here is that you clearly don't trust your wife. If you don't trust her, continuing to maintain a healthy LTR is going to be next to impossible for you. And I am not saying you don't have a reason to mistrust her - but you can't live a happy life constantly pulling up phone records or signing in to her Instagram to make sure she isn't cheating on you.

I think you need to approach her with what you have (the Verizon data) and ask her to explain why this is showing up like this. Watch her closely when you do. If she lies or hedges, it is time to exit the relationship, which won't be easy with kids but necessary. You can't be with someone who lies to you. If she lies about this, she will lie about anything and this means you have no trust. I wouldn't bother asking for her phone. Frankly, you already have enough of a smoking gun.

I don't know what you do, but if you are in something like construction work not wearing your wedding ring is completely understandable. They do make rubber rings that you can wear while you work - although it looks like you already went the tattoo route.

Good luck, brother.

 

[soulforge]

I ain't going to lie, I don't trust any chick who is on Instagram. Instagram is like the worlds biggest dating app.

Obviously her behaviour has been somewhat suspicious and she lied.

Might not be time to get divorced, but definitely something to be concerned about and have a discussion with her about.

 

[Money & Muscle]

If you dont think you can trust her, why should you stay n the marriage? For the sake of the kids? To avoid a messy divorce?

She hasn't cheated, to my knowledge. That would be a no questions asked divorce on the spot.

She lied and I have her dead to rights. I'm not sure that I'll regain my trust in her, but going through a divorce over one lie also seems extreme so I'm going to give her a chance to be honest with me. I don't want a divorce, but I won't stay with a dishonest woman. She's got one chance.

 

[Money & Muscle]

I'm going to give her the chance to come clean and explain why. This doesn't mean all is forgiven or forgotten.

The way she answers will heavily sway my opinions on staying together or not.